Chapter One: Incoming & Outgoing.

by StoneHeart

Published March 21, 2013

In (New

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  Daniel Jameson, Somewhere in North America:

 

   “Dane”

    Dane’s mother’s voice echoed through the small, rickety house.

    Rolling out of his bed, Dane he rubbed his fists in eyes, stretched, and yawned, before sticking his head out of his room’s doors.” Coming!” he called.

   Turning back around he glanced critically around his room, it was the one of the smallest rooms in the tiny house where he, his mother, his father, and four of his siblings lived, second only to the broom cupboard and bathroom. It wasn’t any tidier for that though, clothes and bits and pieces of garbage were scattered all over every available surface available.

   He sighed, uncomfortable from having slept in his clothes, he hadn’t gone to sleep till late last night again; he’d been talking to his brother on Skype, trying to get as much information about Saudi Arabia from him as he could, hoping to be able to ace the essay on that country he had been working on.

   James, his eldest and favorite brother, had been in Saudi Arabia for two years, based there in a miserable, tiny navy base. He’d missed him a lot. Dane couldn’t help but grin, James had exultantly told him last night that he’d finally gotten leave to visit them for three months.

   Mom was going to be so happy. Maybe!

   A moment later he was sitting at breakfast, digging enthusiastically into his bacon, toast, and eggs, paying as little attention as possible to his family gossiping around him. They were happy, when Jim wasn’t around.

   His father was James Jameson, a hardworking, brawny builder, tall, with short blonde hair.

   His mother was Sarah Jameson, a kind and loving mother to her children, they were her life.

   His three sisters were Maria, Cara, and Kristen Jameson, aged 11, 13, and 17, all beautiful, popular, and smart girls.

   His older brother was Jacob Jameson, a 19 year old young man going who worked with his father, kind, fun, and friendly, though very tough acting.

   There was only one member of their family absent. The 22 year old James Jameson, a man who had, to his father’s great disappointment, joined the army, and left them almost three years ago, only visiting three times in all that time.

   Then of course there was him, the tall, skinny, dark haired, 15 year old boy, nothing special by any means.

   “Hey, Dane, pass the salt please.” Dane glanced up at Cara, nodded, and tossed her the salt.

   “Dane” Sarah sighed automatically, pushing her long blonde hair out of her eyes.” Please, don’t throw the salt across the table.”

   “Okay.” He answered absent mindedly. He had thirty minutes, and then he, Cara, Kristen, and Maria would be heading to Jensen County High School. Ten minutes after that Jacob and his father would leave for work.” I talked to Jim last night.”

   Everybody stopped eating and stared up at him, Jim and Dane had been particularly close and none of them had really bothered to stay in contact after he’d left, other than Dane of course.

   His father solemnly folded his newspaper which he had been trying to read while he ate.” Oh? What’d he have to say?” He asked curtly, Dane had never understood his father’s inexplicable dislike for Jim, but he’d taken it easily.

   “He’s visiting.” He announced with a grin, running his fingers through his long black hair.

   His father’s hardened, Jacob frowned, and his sisters squealed half-heartedly, with the exception of Kristen, who never said anything if she could help it. But it was Sarah who broke the silence that followed Dane’s statement.” When will he be here?”

   Dane’s grin faltered and disappeared, he sighed to himself; his mother didn’t look at all pleased at the news.” He said he’ll be here tonight, sometime late, past ten probably.”

   She nodded thoughtfully, thirty years ago, when she had been a child that would have been an impressive speed for someone to get all the way from Saudi Arabia. But time’s had changed, high speed commercial jets, cars, trains, and communication had changed things drastically.

   “He owes us a visit.” Said his father darkly, staring at his spoon as though he were ready to eat it.

   “What!” Sarah exclaimed.

   Dane suddenly wanted to shrink into his chair and disappear under the table. James was a tender subject for sure.

    “Ah, hey, I heard that The Maelstrom VI Space Probe Fleet found four new planets south of Orion’s Nebula.” Jacob carefully broke the subject.

   Sarah broke her glare way from his father and smiled sweetly.” That’s nice.”

   “Didn’t know you could even have south in space.” His father muttered. The glare suddenly returned to him.” What?” He asked innocently.” I didn’t?”

   “South usually means down or below.” Jacob answered, grinning widely again.” Anyway, they sent out the Maelstrom Fleet almost 9 months ago, even with that new Time Jumping tech, it takes ages to cross the galaxy.”

   Jacob was a complete space news nerd, Dane reflected to himself, but he had always been friendly enough to him.

   Breakfast ended quickly, and Dane was on his way to school early before he knew it.

   17th Pine Avenue was a narrow, back street, lined with identical, tiny, two story houses, all with the same red roofs, thick brick walls, small, perfectly mowed lawns, and one car garages. Dane hitched his back pack higher up over his grey t-shirt and kicked a stick that had fallen across the smooth sidewalk. It shattered.

   Breaking news didn’t seem to have much of an impact in the Jameson house anymore.

   He stopped outside of #12. It was the exact same as his home other than that the car in the garage was a blue Nissan pick-up instead of a black Ford van.

   It was the home of one of his few friends at school. Jonathan Treves. For some reason the short, skinny, wide faced, and constantly angry boy made Dane happy. Maybe it was the fact that he was even more of an outcast and ‘weirdo’ than he himself was.

   John’s past was mysterious, to say the very least, his parents had died before he and his uncle, who took care of him, had moved to Brecksville. He was, to be honest, mean (Though not a bully). And strange was definitely the word for what happened around him when he was angry, though inexplicable would work quite well.

   “John!” He called. He didn’t mind calling at Johns house, his uncle, Blake, was hardly ever home, and John didn’t mind.

   He waited a few minutes and then the front door opened and John came out, short, scrawny, thick headed and angry looking as ever. He swung a backpack of his own onto his back and paced across the lawn to join Dane.

   “Morning” He muttered in his usual, surly voice.

   “Mornin’ man” Dane answered cheerfully.

   Together they began to pace down the road, heading for the school.” I got news from Jim last night; he’s coming back for a three month visit! He’ll be in tonight”

   John glanced up and nodded.” That’s good to hear.” He liked Jim too, for some odd reason.” I’d like to talk to him again.”

   Dane skimmed a hand along the hand rail separating the sidewalk from the road.” Yeah, me too! How’s Uncle Blake doing?”

   John shrugged.” He isn’t around much anymore.” He didn’t seem at all regretful.” I haven’t seen him in three days, he said he was thinking of sending me to some new school and had to go meet someone about it.”

   Dane frowned.” You’ll be moving then.” John was his only friend, he didn’t want another. The thought of losing him wasn’t pleasant, the thought of fighting bullies without back-up, the thought of fishing in Little Moose Lake alone, the thought of spending weekends alone. . . .

   “Why would we have to move for me to go to a different school?”

   “Cuz, as far as I know, there aren’t any other high schools in Jensen County.” Dane grimaced.” You think he’ll actually send you to a different school?”

   John didn’t look too happy either, Dane was happy to see.” Yeah, I do. He’s wanted to send me to this special school for ‘gifted’ kids, for years now. But apparently it’s really hard to get in, though now he seems to think he’s got a good chance.”

   “I hope you don’t leave.” Dane said.

   “Me too”

   A car whizzed by, going so fast it was practically invisible.

 

   School went slow that day, and Dane and John managed to stick together all the time. They were left alone for a change, and as a result they left everyone else alone. Dane didn’t feel like he learned anything though, he simply sat around, hoping that John didn’t leave, or imagining going fishing after school.

   Class was the thing farthest from his mind.

   8 hours later he found himself rushing down the hall toward his locker, John pacing beside him, the sound of the bell still echoing in his ears. He swiped his card, stowed his things, then, edging himself through the crowds of kids trying to get out of the school.

   He caught sight of Kristen, surrounded by her friends, laughing, having fun. She was fun, friendly, popular, and beautiful. No wonder everybody liked her.

   Together they ran across the grassy grounds, heading for Johns house. They snuck through the woods that spread behind his house, over the fence, and into the shed where they dropped off their backpacks and grabbed some fishing things.

   Dane edged around the edge of the shed and glanced back at John’s house. He elbowed him.

   “What’s the – “John cut off, staring at his house.” Uncle Blake’s home” He sighed.” Give me a couple minutes; I’m just going to go check in on him”

   Dane nodded, staring at the lighted windows of the house with the strange sense of fear he always felt when near Uncle Blake. He was a scary man, a heavily built, violent drinker. A man who Dane felt drank to drown his past.

   John leaned his pole against the wall of the shed and climbed up onto the back of the house, and clambered through the back door.

   A minute later he came flying out, and Dane saw at a glance that it wasn’t good. The usual anger in his friend’s eyes was magnified a dozen times, and he almost flinched as he snatched up his pole and headed off into the forest.

   The screen door slammed violently, and Dane grabbed his own pole and rushed after John. It took him a couple minutes, but he finally caught up with him.” What’s wrong? What’d he say?”

   John didn’t answer for a minute, he was still fuming. He stopped abruptly by the small fishing hole were they liked to go. Dane glanced uncomfortably about the small pine forest.

   John shifted, leaves crunching under his sneakers, and sat down heavily on the bank.” He made it!” He said.” I’m going to his school, in the middle of semester! We’re leaving tomorrow!”

   Dane nodded glumly.” Where is it? The school”

   “No idea!”

   John pulled his pole back and snapped it forward, throwing his baited line far out into the sparkling pool. Dane followed suit.” Sorry.” John said finally after a moment.” I don’t want to leave here. I like it here, it’s my home! You make it home.” He sighed” But I can’t argue with Uncle Blake.” He sounded terribly bitter.

   “Tis okay” Dane muttered.” You’d have to leave sometime right?”

   John nodded.” Yeah, I guess. I just didn’t think it would be this soon. I’ll probably never see you again!”

   “Hey!” Dane protested, still staring at his feet.” Don’t say that! We can stay in contact.”

   John shook his head.” No, we can’t! This school apparently is really strict; they don’t allow any kind of technological devices. No phones, no cars, no jets, no computers. Nothing”

   “Oh” It was all Dane had to say. He’d never heard of such a school.

   “Hey guys!”

   Dane and John spun around, but both froze in surprise. Standing only a few yards away was James, leaning on a fishing pole, grinning widely, his light blonde hair giving perfect contrast to his bright blue eyes.” Mind if I join you?”

   “Jim!” Dane cried, dropping his pole and jumping up.

   “Hey Jim” John greeted, standing too. He looked happy at the new arrival as well.

   Jim stepped forward and slapped Dane on the shoulder” Great to see you bro!” He grinned wider, and dropped down onto the bank, casting his line.” Hope you don’t mind.”

   “No, no problem.” Dane exclaimed, in happy surprise, sitting down as well. His mind was bursting with questions, but they were suddenly forestalled.

   Jim glanced sidelong at John, who had sat down with a huff.” So, what’s wrong guys?”

   John and Dane stared at him.” How’d you know anything was wrong?” John asked suspiciously.

   Jim smiled.” You’re not exactly trying to hide it.”

   John glanced at Dane and sighed, then explained that he was moving.

   Jim nodded, not seeming at all surprised.” Sorry, to both of you. But, sometimes we have to accept what authority orders, no matter how much we don’t want to.” He smiled thinly, staring up at the leafy oak overshadowing the pool, shifting slightly and causing his old leather jacket to creak.

   There was a long, uncomfortable pause.” How was Saudi Arabia?” Asked Dane slowly, trying to break the silence. He didn’t like silences, especially not uncomfortable ones like this one.

   Jim sighed.” To tell the truth: miserable. We’re fighting miserable religious fanatics, really poor, untrained citizens mostly. It’s sad.”

   “Why don’t you come home?” John asked.

   Jim chuckled.” Simple: if all the good guys, like me, go home from the harder parts of the world, you end up with a nasty concentration of anti-moralist soldiers. I try to make a difference out there.”

    “Can’t you do anything about it? I mean, to the government, or your commanders. . . .” Dane wasn’t quite sure what to say. He knew what Jim didn’t like about the war, it was simple. But he didn’t understand why he didn’t simply appeal to his commanders or something and try to get the orders and rules changed.

   Jim seemed to be reading his mind though, and he answered his unasked question.” A soldier has an obligation to obey orders, whether he agrees with them or not. If every man under the government suddenly decided he had to step out and fight for his opinion to the world, then we’d have total anarchy. We tend to have, let’s say, a duty to obey what we’re told to do, to respect authority. If every soldier decided he wanted to live by morals and understand and agree with every order he took, then nothing would ever get done.”

   John nodded.” Yeah, Uncle Blake told me the same thing. He used to be in the Special Forces.”

   Jim looked surprised.” Really! Not American Special Forces I think.”

   John shook his head.” No, not American! He’s got all these crazy badges and rewards on his bedroom wall, they’re really strange. I believe him though.”

  Jim nodded, looking thoughtful.” I would too. Your uncles a good man John.”

   John grimaced.

   “What country’s army was he in?” Dane asked, twitching his fishing rod.

   “Dunno.” John answered.” He never told me! And I’ve never gotten far enough into his bedroom to check some of those medals and find out.”

   Jim didn’t seem at all surprised for some odd reason. Dane glanced up at him curiously, he seemed . . . different. Different than the way he had been all those years ago, before he had left home. More peaceful, purposeful, and . . . content?

   John grunted beside him, distracting him from his train of thought. He glanced at him.” What?”

   “I’m going to have to be going home soon.” John said.

   “Why?” Dane asked.

   “We are to.” Cut in Jim, reeling in his line.” I should really say hi to mum and dad.” He stared solemnly at John.” I think you need to get ready to leave.”

   John nodded glumly.” I’ll go with y’all to your house –

   “No.” Dane cut in, not at all feeling happy at the thought of facing his father and mother with Jim.” Uh, Jim, why don’t you just go on to our house? I’ll see John to his.”

   Jim nodded grimly, instantly understanding Dane’s reasons, and before John could interject, nodded goodbye to them, and turning, walked silently away between the dark trunks.

   Dane glared up at the sunset, despite his vague, lurking annoyance, he couldn’t help but appreciate the brilliant colors of the sky above the mountains in the east. John patted him on the shoulder, and turning, went into the forest without a word.

   A moment later Dane followed him, glaring at everything around him, the towering oaks, maples, aspens, and birches about them, the leafy forest floor, crunching under his sneakers. . . .

   They reached John’s house only a few minutes later, and without saying a word, stowed their poles in the tiny shed, and entered the building.

   Dane had only been in the building a few times before; it was small, and rather cluttered with dusty furniture and tools. John’s room was the same as ever, practically empty, the bed in the corner looking as though it hadn’t been used in a while, the curtains on the two windows overlooking the yard falling apart. . . .

   They stood facing each other for a few moments.” It’s too bad you have to leave so soon.” Dane muttered finally.” I’ll be sad to see you go.” He grimaced at the words, they sounded soft.

   John grinned half-heartedly.” I’ll be sad to go.” He shook his head and dropped the pretense of happiness.” I’m of half a mind to go to Uncle Blake and just tell him that I won’t have anything to do with this whole thing!”

   Dane felt a surge of appreciation for his friend, stepping forward he patted him on the back.” That’s okay. Maybe we’ll see each other again someday!”

   “I seriously doubt it.”

    They both spun around in surprise, and found themselves face to face with the unsmiling form of Benjamin Blake, his hair was short and greying, his eyes were small and hard, his body thick and brutally muscular.” You boy’s sayin’ goodbye?” He grunted, squinting at them.

   Dane nodded, but John just scowled.” Why do I have to go to this miserable school again?” He asked angrily. Dane knew he already knew the coming answer, but had just asked for his sake.

   Blake’s eyes softened slightly.” Because, I owe your parents, and though you may not like it, I owe you! This dratty town can only give you so much of an education!”

   “I don’t want an ‘education’” Muttered John, turning away.

   “I’ll be going here.” Dane sighed uncomfortably.” See you John, Mr. Blake.”

   Quickly he edged out of the room, leaving Mr. Blake and John glaring at one another. He knew that no matter how much John may have hated his uncle, he would never refuse an order given by him. When his father died, he’d left his mother alone to take care of little John, when his mother had died shortly afterward, she’d left John in the care of her only brother. Mr. Blake’s life had been severely stunted by his duty to John, and John knew it, and respected his uncle for it.

   Dane sighed as he stepped out of the house, tomorrow was going to be an annoying day, he decided.

Comments & reviews · 3
barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2013

Hi there! This piece was an interesting start to your novel, but there are a few issues that might need some work.

Spelling and Grammar:
You need a lot of work on your direct speech. Here is an example:
You wrote the following:
“I don’t want an ‘education’” Muttered John, turning away.

The correct format is the following:
"I don't want an 'education'," muttered John, turning away.

There should be a comma before the closing of the quotations and the rest of the sentence should not start with a capital. Here is an article out of the Knowledge Base that might help you.
viewtopic.php?f=151&t=44898

Your next problem is the comma splice.

This is what you wrote:
Turning back around he glanced critically around his room, it was the one of the smallest rooms in the tiny house where he, his mother, his father, and four of his siblings lived, second only to the broom cupboard and bathroom.

This is one way in which to correct it:
Turning back around, he glanced critically around his room. It was the one of the smallest rooms in the tiny house where he, his mother, his father, and four of his siblings lived, second only to the broom cupboard and bathroom.

A comma splice is shortly two independent clauses that are incorrectly joined by a comma. Here is an article out of the Knowledge Base to help with comma splices.
viewtopic.php?f=151&t=90899

Your paragraphing could also do with some work. Paragraphs should be made to group sentences around the same subject or timeframe together, but sometimes it seems to me that your paragraphs are only made for the sake of it. Try editing your paragraphs to clarify your entire plot and flow.

Also, this is a dreadfully long chapter! You can really condense this story into something way more powerful by cutting out anything unnecessary to the plot.

Character development:

Okay, there is something that really confused me here. You made nearly every character name, surname and place start with a J. The problem is that there is not a very clear distinction between your characters' personalities. There is very little that we know about any of the characters, and listing their names and main traits in a line is not a good way to inform your readers about them. I'm afraid to say that I promptly forgot all their names and characteristics the moment I read them. Rather try explaining who they are by way of their actions and appearances.

Plot:

I am again confused. There is not a very clear storyline, something for the readers to lift out and say, 'Wow! That is really interesting!' I'm not sure what is going on here, but perhaps it will be cleared up in the next chapters.

Writing style:

You have a very action-based, dry style of writing, which can be utilised very effectively, but does not work for this type of narration. To enliven the story, you need to use powerful words, descriptions and style. Why not have the kitchen smell like baking bread, showing readers the mother's dedication and hard work as well as the atmosphere? Why not show the readers something of the place they find themselves in? Take a few minutes and use powerful language to describe. It is really worth it!

So, well done! Go over your piece, fish out the problems and carry on!

User avatar
barefootrunner
Comment
barefootrunner commented Comment · Mar 31, 2013

User avatar
abelgaiya
Review
abelgaiya wrote a review Review · Mar 22, 2013

This was all right, although the significance of the elements is blurred. The general plot is uncertain (regardless of the chapter), as readers donot know whether the story's about John's departure, Jim's arrival or Dane's family's situations.
I think a brief prologue would've helped in letting the readers in on what the plot is. I can conjecture that the reason why there have been no reviews here is because this chapter isn't really interesting. As I suggested, it would be much better with a prologue.

There are a few grammatical errors in here which seem to be of high magnitude at the start and then lessen as the story processes.

I'm about to read the chapter two, and I hope it won't be as dry as this chapter.
Cheers.



Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson