4:00 p.m. – Dane Jameson.
Dane shivered, he and John were pacing slowly across the green lawns in front of the school. The past twenty-four hours had been uneventful, though his father and mother had seemed strangely surlier than usual. That was probably Jims fault. He’d stayed home, working on something.
A cold breeze whipped through his hair, ruffling it about his face, and making him pull his jacket further around his shoulders. Beside him, John angrily stuffed some paper’s he’d been looking at back into his backpack, he’d just dropped by the school that afternoon with his uncle and visited the principal’s office.
Mr. Blake had just driven away, saying he needed to see someone before he left, and John had decided to walk with Dane down through town to a spot were his uncle had told him to meet him.
They walked in silence across the cold grounds, reaching the dark asphalt street and heading slowly forward for the center of town.
“John?” Dane said carefully.
John glanced sideways at him.” Yeah”
“Hey, we’ll probably see each other sometime here.” He tried to sound hopeful, but he didn’t like the prospects.” Keep in contact”
John kicked a tin can lying on the sidewalk, sending it flying across the road and bouncing off of a tree that grew in the divider.” If I can” He growled.
Dane sighed, what was he going to do without John?
Ahead of him he heard the sound of some kind of violent crashing. He glanced up curiously, his eyes wandering momentarily over the stores, apartment buildings, and homes lining the street.
A dozen cars whizzed by them, ruffling them with hot exhaust.
John spat into the road.” Damned rallies!” He muttered angrily.
Dane quickly saw that he was quite right, a crowd of hooting and yelling people where pouring around the corner ahead of them, heading for the mayor’s office.” Let’s go around.” John suggested.
He nodded, and together they turned and went down a side street, heading between and behind the buildings. He knew that in a moment they’d come into another street and could go around to their meeting place at the bus station.
Suddenly there was a rush of movement, and a half a dozen men draped in strange black robes spun out around them. Dane gave a start of surprise and jumped backwards, there was a crash as he knocked over a trash can. John looked up and frowned grimly.
They stood facing each other for a moment, not a speck of the men’s skin could be seen, every inch of them covered by dark, wafting cloth.
Then there was another flurry of movement and the men moved in, Dane cried in surprise as one man slammed a hard fist into his back and another kicked him in the side.” Hey!” He called.
Beside him John was suddenly buried in the other four men as they violently began to kick and punch him.” Run Dane!” Came Johns muffled voice, and then it was suddenly cut off by a kick in the neck.
Dane felt a flurry of anger swelling inside him; nobody was going to hurt his friend. One of the men jumped on to him, pinning him down and slammed his shoulder into his face. He felt a flash of pain in his cheek and a dull throb in his side, who were these men!
“Blake!” Cried John painfully, thrashing under the grip of the men swarming about him, making no sound as they beat him, he suddenly managed to kick one man in the neck as he jumped forward, and he slumped to the ground. The others stared at their fallen companion for a moment, and then returned to him with renewed vigor.
Fight! Dane cried to himself, trying to get over the pain he felt from all the points of pain on his body, inflicted by the two men standing over him, raining blows on him. Almost out of reflex he kicked out and one man standing beside him crumpled to the filthy street, his ankle smashed, crying angrily.
He held up his hands just in time to block a vicious kick from the other man, he glanced to the side and saw John lying on his back almost unconscious, seeming to try to muster his remaining strength and fight his attackers, blood covered his face and hands, and it was pooling on the dark pavement under him, soaking his blue jacket, and turning it black.
Another kick caught him in the side of the head, his head felt dizzy and stars danced before his eyes. That had hurt worse than anything else.
He felt a flash of violent fury flash up inside him.
He didn’t know were the flash of light came from, but the last thing he saw before he lost consciousness was Uncle Blake’s worried face, glaring unhappily down at John’s bloody face, and above him, Jim’s grim smile.
The room was white. That was the first thing Dane took in about the room he was in.
He carefully turned his head, wincing at the pain in his neck as he strained it. He was in a hospital he guessed, in a small white room filled with a bunch of white machinery he didn’t recognize, lying on a soft hospital bed, a white sheet pulled up over his white hospital clothes.
He blinked, all the white hurting slightly, and leaned his head back, feeling stiffer than he ever had before.
He began to doze and was suddenly woken by the sight of his father’s face looking down on him. His father’s hard, handsome face wasn’t worried. Indeed, it seemed revolted, and as he saw that his son was awake he quickly turned away.
He frowned to himself, wondering what it was he was seeing.
He tried to sit up but a hand appeared on his shoulder and he glanced up at Jim’s kindly face.” Don’t try to move.”
Dane shook his head; the words seemed to echo about his head.” What’s going on?” He muttered.
Jim grinned widely.” You weren’t damaged much. The doctors told me that you’ll be fine in a couple of days, fine enough to get back to school. No bone’s broken happily.”
Dane glanced to the side and saw his father and mother sitting next to one another, wearing strangely heavy clothing, silently. They were looking at him, looks of silent revulsion showing on their faces.
“What’s wrong with mom and dad?” He whispered, wondering at the looks.
Jims smile disappeared instantly, making Dane feel bad for some reason.” Don’t worry about that right now. Look, I’ve got to go here for a few days, I’ll come back as soon as I can and explain everything to you. Keep safe till I get back. Okay?”
Dane sighed softly.” Okay, come back soon.” He laid his head back, dimly aware of his father, mother, and brother leaving the room. Suddenly a thought occurred to him.” Jim.” He called, trying to sit up, but falling back painfully.” How’s John?”
Jim stopped and turned back to him, smiling thinly again.” He’d fine, I’ll explain more. Later.”
He was fine, Dane sighed. That was good news; hopefully he hadn’t been badly damaged.
A few minutes later a blue suited nurse entered the room, fiddling with the machinery for a moment, and then left the room silently.
His next two days went like that; the nurse would visit, ask if he needed anything, bring his meals, and then smile at him and leave. For some inexplicable reason neither his father nor mother visited him. Neither did any of his siblings.
It was slow, but he slept most of the time.
Finally the nurse entered, beside her a tall, grey haired doctor holding a pad of paper and a pen. They asked him a few quick questions on how he felt, then messed with the machinery for a few moments before finally turning to him and smiling widely announced that he would be allowed to leave in another fifteen minutes.
He wasn’t quite sure what to do or feel.
But that was taken care of for him, the hospital staff gave him some clean clothes (Normal clothes mercifully) and gave him a seat in a small white waiting room filled with chairs. He didn’t know what to do until a young man stepped out of one of the three doors to the room and led in Cara, Kristen, and Jacob.
He jumped up in excitement at the sight of them, but his feeling dropped as he saw their faces, grim, annoyed, and fearful.” Hey, what-“
“Just come on.” Cara cut in curtly, looking daintily away from him.
His temper spiked and he glared at them.” I’m not carrying the plague you know!” He growled.
Jacob simply turned away and looked disdainful, Cara ignored him, and it was Kristen who finally took mercy on him, and stepping forward rolled her eyes and embraced him.” Good to see you still in one piece Dane.”
Dane felt a surge of affection for his older sister.” Thanks.” He said, relieved, staring into her soft grey eyes.
“Okay, come on Dane, we need to get you home here.” She said, taking his hand and leading him out of one of the doors and into the hospital parking lot.” You need to have a good rest tonight, and then you have school tomorrow.”
He nodded and followed her to their fathers’ dark blue pick-up. He slipped in, noticing his father glaring at him from the driver’s seat” Hey dad?” He said tentatively.
His father didn’t answer; instead he turned on the car and sped out of the parking lot.
Dane felt a surge of annoyance at his father’s reactions, what was his problem? He stared out the blurred windows. He had no idea where the hospital, he hadn’t been paying any attention to the surroundings. He didn’t even know that North Indianapolis had a hospital.
Their speed suddenly slowed down and they turned into the Jameson garage. Dane got out and looked around; Kristen stepped up behind him and grabbing his arm, steered him along the slate walkway up across the porch into the house” Supper time!” She called merrily, glancing half-nervously at Dane.
Suddenly Sarah stepped out of the kitchen, she caught sight of Dane and her expression suddenly went sour, and he frowned. She set down the massive pot she was carrying with a clank on the shining oak table.” So, you’re back!” She announced sullenly.
He stared at her, shocked by her greeting. Weren’t any of them at all worried about him, or even remotely interested in him anymore? Was anybody going to give him a proper greeting? Besides Jim and Kristen of course!
“Hey, mom” He said tentatively.
His father’s glower suddenly turned to him.” Sit down and eat, boy!” He spat out.
Dane stared at him in shock and sat down on his chair, his hand twitching on his fork in surprise.
“Say thank you to Sarah for your meal!” His father growled suddenly.
Dane felt as though he was about to fall of his chair, and melt into the floor.” Thanks for the food mom!” He said, glancing past a glowering Maria and Jacob at his mother.” I’m sure it’s great.” He added, desperately trying to break the angry tension.
He ate his stew quickly, trying not to look up at any of the others, nervously conscious of the silence of the others as they watched him, not eating. Finally he’d had too much; he tossed his fork to the side and glared up at them.” What’s wrong? Come on!” He noticed that Kristen had eaten with him, and now was trying to edge out of her seat and out of the room.
At his words his father had stood quickly, his face looking as though he was simply seething.” Shut up you ungrateful whelp!” He cried.” What are you! You simply drain this family, eating our money, giving us no thanks! You pollute us!” His massive fists clenched slowly.
Dane stared at him in shock, what had his father just said? He couldn’t believe it; he didn’t want to believe it.
Kristen slipped out of the room, her head low.
“Get up to your room immediately!” His father roared, his face contorted with seemingly un-incited rage.” If you’re late for breakfast again tomorrow, you won’t get any! If you miss school, then I’ll – I’ll –
Dane didn’t wait for his father to finish. He leaped out of his chair, and rushed up the stairs to his room, tears of anger in his eyes. He didn’t understand what had just happened. It seemed that his attack had suddenly enraged his father and made it so he wasn’t a member of the family anymore.
He was a burden now it seemed.
Confusion filled him, and his thoughts instantly turned to Jim and John, they would help him. But John was probably already at his new school (He knew that a slight beating wouldn’t slow Uncle Blake down a bit), and Jim wasn’t going to be back for another day yet.
But Jim would understand, he would explain, he would help him. Jim had always known what to do, he had never failed. He clung to the thought as he threw himself onto his bed and lay there in desperate confusion until he finally mercifully fell asleep. . . .
End of chapter
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Hi there! It's me with another review!
This chapter was a big improvement. This is more the sort of thing that your writing style is suited to -- tension and action.
So, as for Spelling and Grammar:
Remember everything I told you last time and apply it all to this chapter too. You really need to work on this! Your grammar with direct speech is very distracting!
He felt a flash of violent fury flash up inside him.
This sentence is an example of something you should avoid. Don't repeat words. Take some time with a thesaurus and get some exciting synonyms. Watch the stars and write down every word you can think of to connect with them, even if it doesn't seem to make sense. Work on it!
Plot:
Definitely moving along at a fast pace now! I can see how the different parts of the story are connecting. It's starting to make sense, but not so much that it loses all that lovely suspense you just built up! Well done with that.
Character Development:
Not much going on here, so I think you should really take some time to build Dane, John and Jim into real round characters. At the moment they are flat and on the verge of clichés. Draw pictures, set up their strengths and weaknesses. A character with a fear of spiders and a touchy personality makes a much more interesting story than a perfect, tough, adventurous sort of guy.
Writing Style:
You have come to the sort of writing that suits you. Good! Remember to keep everything realistic and interesting. Add a few details here and there. Here is an example with pain: It could be an ache, burning pain, sharp twinges, shooting pain, stab, tenderness, throbbing bruise or a stinging welt. Use strong words to describe every feeling and emotion. Show, don't tell. You're doing very well in this chapter!
Keep up the good work!
barefootrunner
Yes, this is more like it! The suspense, the drama, the tension, the mystery...all embeded within this chapter.
My plan was to quickly glance through and review the few things I happened to catch, but the sudden mystery presented made me read every single word. This is a bog contrast to chapter one.
Now you've enticed my excitement and crave for the next chapter!