The Twins: A Fairytale

Wow, this was an amazingly powerfull story, full of a deeper meaning as well. I really truly enjoyed reading this. I loved how the daughters roles were switched. And the prince mistaking the sisters was such a wise idea. Very intruiging, and very beautifull. The ending was a little sad, but somehow it fit in with everything. Great job, If I was judging, I'd choose you to win.

One night in a storm, returning from visiting a sick woman in a far village, the queen was heavy with child. As lightning jabbed at the ground around her the pains came. Alone and without a maid she gave birth to her two daughters but died with them in her arms.

I loved the story, it was great. Yes, I did find it confusing in some places but it was very good. Believe me when I saw that your missing nothing when you haven't watched the Grim Brothers movie, it was gruesome, and to be frank, I hated it.

Anyways back to your story, good job, I didn't find any mistakes that jumped out at me and slapped me in the face. Great job in that area. Good luck with your writing.

I loved it. It did really bring out the facts about twins, but I kinda didn't like the fact about the twins forgetting about each other only in seven years.

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom(,) there lived a kind queen and her loving husband. The queen was as beautiful as she was caring and she was adored by her land. Her hair cascaded down the emerald green of her gowns like a meandering river and love for her people shone brightly in her eyes.

One night in a storm, returning from visiting a sick woman in a far village, the queen was heavy with child (children). As lightning jabbed at the ground around her(,) the pains came. Alone and without a maid she gave birth to her two daughters but died with them in her arms.

The king was distraught but he loved his daughters very much (I don't know but how did the king get his daughters to the castle?). He took them to the castle to care for them.

One grew to be as dark as a midwinter’s night. Her eyes shone like the indigo of (the) evening and her hair was made of shadows. She was sharp and quick-tongued and flew into rages easily.

The other, the younger daughter was as fair as her sister was dark. Her eyes were the colour of forget-me-nots and her hair shone like the rays of the sun. She was sweet and gentle (and cute) and loved all creatures.

The king loved both his daughters very much, but he loved his younger more than his eldest. His eldest saw this and became bitter. She began to despise her father(,) whereas every time he presented his younger daughter with a gift(,) her affection for him grew.

And so it happened, that their roles were reversed, and the younger daughter was looked up to as the next queen.

In the twins’ fourteenth year(,) a woman like the north wind that blew her their direction (What does this mean?) arrived at the palace door. The king let her in only to discover that it was his dear wife’s sister. He gave her the most lovely room in the palace with a feather bed and a wardrobe of velvet gowns.

When the woman had rested and eaten, the king asked her what business (had) brought her to his land.

The woman looked at him, beady eyes set either side of a sharp nose and said to him “My sister had two daughters and I have no children of my own. One of them belongs to me.”

The king answered that he loved them both too much.

“Let me take the youngest. You have another healthy child, she will not be of much worth.”

The king answered that he loved her even though she was younger.

“Then let me take the one you love least.”

The king answered that he loved them both equally.

But the woman had powers and she knew he was lying. “I will take the eldest in the morning,” she said. “For seven years. Then you may have her back. Or I shall take the youngest in the night and you shall never see her again.”

Frightened by these words(,) the king agreed. That morning, his eldest daughter was taken onto a black horse next to her aunt and with one last look back at her home, she left those lands for seven years.

To keep his youngest daughter company, the king found the greatest magic tutor in all the land.

And so it happened in the next seven years, the two sisters became the most powerful witches in the land.

Under the wise instruction of her aunt, the eldest sister became wise and saw when it was good to use her powers and how they may help people. In the north, the girl with the ebony hair was renowned as a wise woman who would help many. She forgot about her sister and her father and her prejudice against them and threw herself into helping the sick. The aunt was not wealthy, and the girl mended and patched her own clothes and spent little time thinking about her appearance.

But beneath her magical tutor the younger daughter grew conceited and vain. She too forgot about her sister and thought that she would be the next heir to the throne. She began to use her magic to bring herself power and beauty and tricked her father into giving her more and more gifts.

And so it happened that their roles were (again) reversed,(and) the elder sister was respected once more.

When seven years had passed, each girl was little more than a memory to the other. The aunt, true to her word, returned the eldest daughter to her father.

When the sisters met in the courtyard, the eldest, with all past events forgotten, threw her arms around her sister, pleased and delighted to see her.

The younger sister however, held the strange girl dressed in faded clothes at arm’s length and looked into her face. The face was the same, but her eyes were made of pools of ink and her hair hung over her shoulders like night itself.

Puzzled by this, that night at full moon, the younger sister walked by the lake. “Who is this girl?” she asked. “Who is like my reflection in the dark water?” For she could not remember a time when she had had a sister with hair made of shadows.

It so happened that a prince from the east where the sun rises saw her and heard her words and thought her beautiful. He decided to remain by the lakeside until he realised who she was.

With no answers to her questions, the younger sister treated the elder sister with disdain and cruelty. At new moon the elder sister walked by the lakeside and asked “Who is this girl that has done away with my dear sweet sister? For she looks like my reflection in the bright water but she cannot be.”

This time in the dark the prince found the girl so much more beautiful and her manner more touching than before. And so he elected to stay until he saw this girl a third time (I think it's the second time).

At the next full moon, the elder sister still strived to convince the younger one who she was. The younger sister walked by the lakeside and asked “Who is this girl who says she is my sister? For my sister was vain and cruel, and she is pathetic and begging. Who is she, for she shines like my reflection in the dark water, though not as beautiful as I.”

This time the prince decided to introduce himself. “I am a prince from the east,” he said. “And I have seen you by this lakeside three times now.” He looked at the girl and thought her beautiful with flaxen hair and a pretty gown. “Pray, tell me who you are so I may ask your father for your hand.”

But the younger sister simply laughed. “I have only walked here twice. Cross my heart, you have the wrong girl and in any case, I should not marry you. I shall choose my own husband, he must be as handsome as rich and tell (tells) the truth.” She looked at the prince, whose hair and eyes in the moonlight were as colourless as mud and his skin darkened like a peasant. With her magic, to punish him for mistaking him, she cursed him into a deer that may only walk as a man on the full moon and the new moon.

The prince was distraught and he wandered by the lakeside waiting for the flaxen-haired girl to return.

At new moon, the same girl walked by the lakeside. “Oh how I wish my sister would accept me, for she must be my sister, she is like my reflection in the bright water” she sighed. The prince appeared to her and said.

“You have had your fun, now change me back, four times have I seen you walk here.”

The girl, whose hair was like shadows without the moonlight said “I have only walked here twice. But tell me what curse has been laid upon you and I shall mend it.”

He told her. The girl lifted the curse and he sprang away from her so that she may not change her mind.
He was mistaken, the girl was not the younger sister, but the elder one and he could not see their differences in the darkness without a moon.

The elder sister had seen the prince’s handsome face and heard his dulcet tones and fell in love with him. She wandered (through) her sister’s palace in sighs and wished that he had not ran from her.

At full moon the younger sister walked by the lakeside and laughed, for she knew that the elder sister was in love. She looked in the water and said “The girl who is my reflection in the dark water is in love, I wish I knew with whom. Perhaps if he died she would leave.”

The prince, who had fallen in love with the girl who cured him, saw her again by the lakeside, flaxen hair now shining in the moonlight and her pretty gown trailing in the dew. He thought her lovely and though he could not hear her voice, he knew she must be speaking kind words as she had done when he cured him, He decided next time he saw her he would confess his love.

At new moon the elder sister decided to search for her true love by the lakeside. “Oh how the girl who is like my reflection in bright water scorns me, because I am in love!” she said. “If only my love would appear to me now, my father would consent for me to marry him.”

The prince, though he could not see in the darkness without a moon, knew that this was his love. He came to her.

“You have cursed me and cured me,” he said. “And now I beg for your hand, for I may think of nothing else but you until I have it.”

The elder sister, overjoyed at having her love by her side replied “Oh my love! I never cursed you! That was my sister, who is like my reflection in bright water.”

“Come to me at full moon,” he said, taking her hand and pressing it to his lips. “And we shall marry and live in my palace where the sun rises.”

Nothing could have made the elder sister happier and she agreed.

At full moon, as was her custom, the younger sister walked by the lakeside. The prince, who had his horse with him ready to leave, saw her flaxen hair and pretty gown and ran down to her.

“Oh my love!” he said. “Seven times now have I seen you. You have cursed me and cured me and last time I saw you, you consented to marry me. Come away with me now.”

The younger sister laughed. “I have only ever walked by the lakeside four times now. And now I see you, I know it was you who mistook me before.” She cursed him again, sure that no one could reverse her magic, and he remained a deer.

She walked back up to the palace and as dawn approached, the elder sister hurried down. She saw the deer standing where her love would meet her and recognised him.

The prince saw the girl’s hair like shadows and her patched and ragged dress and realised that this girl was his love though she did not have flaxen hair.

“Oh my love,” she said. “Who has done this to you?”

“The girl who is like your reflection in bright water,” he answered.

“How may I mend it?” she asked. But her powers were no stronger than her sister’s and she could not mend him a second time.

She felt that her heart would break if she could not be with him and so, because she was just as powerful as her sister, she turned herself into a deer as well so that she may stay beside her love’s side. The two of them fled from that place and lived in the woods, never to be spoken of again.

The younger sister awoke to find the girl gone and was glad.

The king saw that his younger daughter was made happy by this and decided that she would be his heir and the elder sister never spoken of again.

The aunt was saddened by the loss of her pupil and decided to find her but she never did.

And so it happened that the sister’s roles were reversed for the third and final time. The younger sister became queen, but the elder sister was happy by her love’s side.

The younger sister never married, never able to find a man who could impress her. She drove people away with her curses and her vanity, even when her hair like the sun at noon was the colour of moonlight. She ruled the country with a vicious hand and when at last she died her body was tossed into the lake.

But the elder sister lived now blissfully and contentedly with her love by her side, and her descendants around her prancing on four legs, untroubled by what happened in the people’s world. When, after many years, she died, a body of a girl with hair like shadows was found in the arms of the prince from the east who had disappeared so long before.

I don't know but it looked kinda repetive. Mostly the part about the walk near the river. That's all I can say.

Good luck.

Wow, that was awesome. I really liked the fairy tail feel of the whole thing, you don't find stories like that very often.

I guess that is all I have to say it was really great.

Keep writing

Cait

I really liked this. When I read the "Once upon a time" thing, I thought, oh great here we go... but it was great! There were a few mistakes here and there but nothing big.

This sounded like a Grimm Brother tale, yet I could tell it was your voice who was telling it... if that makes sense?

Excellent. If I were a teacher you would get an A!

Thank you guys!

This was pretty good. I enjoyed it very much. You're good with storytelling. Keep up the good work.

This is really good and sadly, really sad. I loved it! You've got a real gift for fairy tales! 0(o.o)0

you didn't give anyone a name, so that part was hard to follow since you had to keep describing the twins.

but i too looove the Grimm Brothers, and i think you're style is well-written.

I'm also a fan of the Grimm Brothers, but I have never seen the movie either, but it seems like it would be interesting.

To keep it short and simple: you need to keep your descriptions short and simple, and I would give the girls "names" Like the Dark Haired Girl and the other the Light Haired Girl. Or even come up with a name like 'Snow White' or 'Rose Red'. That way you can keep it simple when one of them is talking and it will be a little less confusing.

Also you need to format your paragraph's better.

Other than that I love the concept! It's very much like the type of fairy tale's you'd read in a Grimm's Fairy Tale book.

No, I meant Brothers Grimm as in the fairytale tellers, whom I guessing the movie is about, I've never seen it either! Their tales tended to be pretty gruesome and long winded, that's what I meant about this piece. If you like fairytales, proper fairytales-not the Disney versions (though those are cool too), these are the ones for you.

Thanks for reading!

this was very good but i have never seen the movie the brothers grimm soory

I liked it. I was always a Brothers Grimm fan, so this was right up my alley.


The thrice reversal of the sisters was interesting. It wasn't quite what I expected, but it was really nice. And hey, this stayed on track. Some of the Grimms tales go all over the place until you wonder what on earth the storytellers were thinking.

The entire bit with the prince and the moonlight and the princesses and stuff was a little confusing reading it all the way out since it is important when it is a new moon and not and so on and so forth. After I got all the way through, I caught on, but as I was reading, I was a little lost in some places.

But anyway, this was a nice tale. Thumbs up from me!

~GryphonFledgling