Hate Mail from People who Don't Exist -bad title...

Blame Terry Pratchett for getting ideas lodged in my head. Indigo and Skye = recycled, fun characters. Enjoy! (warning, randomness follows)

19th April 2008

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you today to complain about your article “The Logical and the Fantastic: Why the Two Should Never Mix” that was published in February’s edition of International Geographic.

In this piece, your journalist, Gio Jenidos, denied the existence of several parts of our society, including hags, banshees, zombies, vampires and werewolves. He said -and I quote: “Why should we tremble at night for fear of these blatantly false claims by people who have sworn to see a creature out of a children’s book?”

This, and the rest of the article which followed a similar view, shocked and horrified me. You see, I am one of the proud citizens of the United States of America who suffers from the unfortunately painful and unusual disease of lycanthropy, that is, to turn into a wolf when the moon is full overhead.

Shake your head all you like, however, I know others who suffer from my condition. I also know my fair share of zombies, hags, banshees and even, although I shudder at the thought, vampires. There are at least fifty of these so called “fantastic creatures” living in the wider San Francisco area. I brought their attention to your article at our last meeting. Our society is known as the Differently Alive Association, also known as the DAA. We have several affiliates around the globe, including the Society of Particularly Elderly Women (SPEW)- that is, what you would call a “hag” and the Young Werewolf Society or YWS.

Therefore, on behalf of the DAA and with the full support of these affiliates, I would like to request that you retract the comments made by Gio Jenidos in his article, as I’m sure you’ll agree that it is very hurtful when one denies your existence.

Yours faithfully,

Indigo Jones.

To:

From:

Subject: Get over here, quick!

Mack,

You gotta see this. Some nutter’s just sent me this big long letter about Gio’s article in February. Thinks he’s a werewolf! It’s hilarious!

-Neill

To:

From:

Subject: Thanks!

Dear Neill,

Just to say thanks for the laugh earlier. Hilarious. I can’t believe you replied to him. Anyway, wanted to know -’cause the wife’s just suggested, you two want to meet us at Hick’s tonight for a drink? Don’t reply, just come, we’ll be there anyway.

Slipped under Neill Johnson’s door while he was at Hick’s pub.

I’m not a nutter, Neill. And I have pretty good ears this time of month.

You might want to watch out. My girlfriend’s pretty good at predicting death and well, yours might not be too far away.

IJ.

Hello, it’s Mackey Freeman here, sorry, I’m not able to take your call, feel free to leave a message after the beep: Mack, Neill. Okay, this is serious. That crack head Indigo just left a threatening note on my apartment floor. How did he even get into the building? He’s been reading my emails. This is getting a bit freaky at this stage…

At that exact moment, dropped through Neill’s window:

Indigo’s not on drugs. He’s perfectly sane. Trust me, I know. Hi, we haven’t met before. Now, as we were saying, we’d like you to retract that article. And if you don’t… do you know what happens to people who know how long they’ve got to live?

Mostly they go mad, eventually.

And you’ve got -oh. Ooh…

So you might like to retract that article now.

Skye.

1 new message from: Mack

Ure serious? His grlfrnds after u? freaky.

1 new message received from: Neill

Got 2 b a hoax. No way is it tru.

1 new message from: Mack

Y r we txting nyway? Y not jst call again?

1 new message received from: Neill

I tnk they mite b listning.

2 new messages from: unknown, Mack

Oh, we’re reading your messages too. Your spelling is appalling, by the way.

Come on, theres no way they cud b listning 2 us.

Live.com instant messenger.

Marie says:

The men were acting a bit strange tonight…

Ala says:

Yeah… Neill’s still up… I’m a bit frightened about that letter he got. I mean, how did they know our address?

Marie says:

It is a bit strange alright.

Ala says:

Gtg… neill shouting about something.

Marie says:

Later.

Marie has signed off.

Indigo says:

See now, Ala, you’ve got the right idea… maybe you could persuade your husband for us?

Ala says:

… is that your girlfriend dropping things in our window?

Indigo says:

She tells me you’re a bit freaked. Don’t worry. We don’t bite. Well… Skye doesn’t.

Ala says:

Have you got our flat bugged?

Indigo says:

How else do you think we can hear you? My mate Phoenix is good with computers.

Ala says:

That’s a relief. Thought you might have special powers or something.

Indigo says:

We do. I do have good hearing this time of month. Just not THAT good. Look out your window, you might see what Skye can do.

Ala has signed out.

1 new message from: unknown

So Neill… tell me, before Indigo and Ala begin a passionate cyber affair, you going to retract that article?

1 new message from: Neill Johnson

U r a freak stalker and u will pay.

1 new message from: unknown.

You can’t make me pay. Your magazine says we didn’t exist.

1 new message from: Neill Johnson

Take it out on Gio, not me!

1 new message from: unknown.

We have already. So… a retraction, then?

1 new message from: Neill Johnson

Will u and ur boyfriend stop bugging me?

1 new message from: unknown

Naturally.

International Geographic, May 2008

International Geographic would like to apologize for the comments made by our journalist Gio Jenidos in his article “The Logical and the Fantastic: Why the Two Should Never Mix.” We understand that some things said were highly offensive to those of us who are differently alive and offer our most humble apologies.

Crossword puzzle June 2019:

13 across: Gio Jenidos? Werewolf who played a famous prank on editor Neill Johnson.

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AN: Why? Why not? For the record, I love National Geographic. And Terry Pratchett. And SPEW, whoever they are review, but remember, to be taken lightly! -Stel x