If this is in the wrong section, please feel free to move. Critique needed in generally every aspect, mainly written to get it out of my system, because I daren't tell ANY of my friends
His eyes are brown, darker on the inside than the outside. I know because we had to spend nearly a whole class looking at each other’s pupils dilating while our teachers flicked the lights on and off. They’re framed by beautiful camel eyelashes, the thickest and longest you’ve ever seen. I bet there are girls out there who would kill for those lashes, I know that I envy him for every feathery blink I catch sight of.
His hair is the same fluffy texture, caramel coloured and soft to touch. Back to its natural state after many months of being dyed in what could have been platinum blond or copper red, none of us were really sure. But it’s back now.
He’s nearly my size, in fact, we might be the same height now. He was always smaller than the others, small body, small face, big eyes and teeth. His teeth are huge and white against his tanned skin. Of course only a few of us know one of them is a fake, replacing one snapped in half by a rogue cricket ball.
He’s a friend, just a friend. He has a girlfriend, a girl with far too much energy to be natural. They’re lovely together, no one could deny that. They go wonderfully, both laughing and joking and friendly to everyone.
I’m just a friend.
A friend who has never thought about ever being anything else.
Until last night.
Is it the way we sit in science taking down diagrams of the human reproductive organs, me totally embarrassed and him telling me I have to take it easy if I want the child to survive? Is it the way he’s never afraid to give me a hug or put a hand on my shoulder or my hip as he stops to ask me something while he passes in the art room? Is it the endless jokes made in all of these things? Is it the way he stands up to those who make fun of me in maths? Is it because he takes an interest?
Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? It’s not the first time I’ve had strange dreams.
I haven’t had a nightmare in a long time. But this was the first truly bad dream.
I dreamt he chose me over her, and it was hell. Not because I didn’t like him, but because I did. Because I could see her heart breaking and he didn’t pay her any heed. But mostly, I woke up shaking because I realised that in the dream I didn’t care what she thought. I was happy with what we had done.
And that is something I could never do.
Even if I do like him. Even if I sometimes wish I was her just so he could look at me like that. Because I love him more than I like him. He’s a friend.
I’m a friend.
A friend who’s only begun to see something else there.
Something which a friend hopes will never manifest.
Anything you have to say regarding either the piece or my emotional state at this present time is greatly appreciated.
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140,537 Literary Works • 673,408 Reviews
I think that this was a very good piece. I especially like the ending. It shows how good a person you are. The writing itself was great.
All I can say is keep up the good work.
Cait
Agree with everything everyone said!
Glad you're over it now, it's really good though, I think. I think things are always good when many people can relate, like this. Nice job:)
x
That's good to hear. BTW, I commented on a couple of your other stories if you are interested.
Oh I'm not stressing out over it anymore. I was when I wrote this, as you can probably guess. But you know, life goes on...
Thanks for reading!!
Busboys is right. I'm not going to critique this as a writer because I know the kind of place it's coming from. To want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you in that way. Love is a tricky business, especially as a teenager when hormones run wild. One reality is that people very often do not marry their first crush.
According to Jewish beliefs, everyone as what's called a bashert, which basically means a perfect match. Until recently, I had thought I found mine, but it turned out not to be so. The search for your bashert is not an easy one. In high school, relationships should be taken seriously, but don't break your head about it. Have fun. I certainly wish I had.
I won't say much about the writing itself, which--structurally at least--was very solid. Good job on that. As for the content... well, keep your chin up, duckie, yes? It happens to us all, and I promise you'll survive. Just keep your head above water.
Hmm... very good.
Nice job!
i can't say that i can find anything wrong with it. but that's probably because i've never had anything more than a best friend (eg. no gfs. And definitely no bfs!)
Anyway, it was very good.
Hm.. it gets a little too wordy at the beginning and distracts the readers from the actual story.
[Run on]
Too much self-indulgence of a character in him/herself, may irritate a reader.
awwww i loved this.
it was really good.
I think everyone feels like that at some point and writing it down makes it seem more.......
hmm can't think of the word
but it was well written and calm if you see what I mean.
I'm not sure if i do