If you're wondering what I'm talking about, putting it up on my blog directly...
Chips
The taste of the seaside still on your lips.
The crinkling brown bag,
That oldest of family traditions.
The takeaway.
In good old national fashion,
Proper potatoes, yellow and bitter,
With far too much vinegar,
That’s all sank to the bottom, and leaves
Big grease marks,
Only stopped by a wad of napkins between your fingers.
The roar of the sea,
The look out to Wales,
And wishing suddenly,
To do it all over again.
The whole thing.
And end it once again with
That oldest of family traditions,
The crinkling brown bag,
And the taste of the seaside still on your lips.
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139,640 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hi Stella!
I find it so awesome that you wrote about food! Especially chips. The way you wrote it left me drooling for the Christmas Holidays so I can go back to England and have proper fish and chips! (which you can't get where I am from).
The poem was well written and very interesting. There is one line I don't like:
It's a very good starting line but why would chips taste like the seaside?
Deanie x
Hey Stells. I'm here to review. ^^
You know, this is kinda cute. And here in Australia we have that kind of tradition so I definitely know the feeling. ^^ And it's a lovely feeling, too. I like how you begin and end with pretty much the same line. *loffs* I think it's an awesome one, too. *chuckles*
Okay, on to nitpicking and such. The flow is brilliant and so is the rythym and the imagery. I love the imagery! It reminds me of going to the beach with my family or even my friends! And that's a good thing, too. Ah, nostalgia. *sighs* Okay...nitpicks. None, as far as I can see. So, sadly, I'm no help there.
Overall, Stells, you have a brilliant poem here. *clicks like* I adore it. It's so cute! ^^ *chuckles* Anyhow. It's perfectly fine how it is, and I love it to bits. XD Thank you for the beautiful and brilliant poetry, Stells! Keep it up adn never stop writing!
~Scar.
Welcome to YWS!
To be perfectly frank, this poem was hard to read. Two things they don't teach you in school, aside from the fact that poetry doesn't have to rhyme: it works better with punctuation, and that doesn't necessarily involve merely putting commas in every other line or starting each new line with a capital letter.
Suggestion: lose the capitals (except at the beginning of new sentences, just like with prose). And think about your punctuation a bit more. From what I can see, your commas are kind of random. If you wouldn't put a comma there in a sentence, don't put it at the end of the line in poetry. Oh yes, and watch your grammar!
Regarding the contents of the poem itself, I absolutely loved "The taste of the seaside still on your lips," but I feel it deteriorated rather rapidly after that. You have all these fascinating images and ideas - brown paper bags, family traditions, grease, the seaside - but as yet they're all jumbled together and don't really form a coherent picture. Try restructuring, and this time take those pieces and fit them together so they tell more of a story. Your reader won't always have the luxury of running off to your blog to understand what you're trying to say, and a good poem should stand on its own.
Best of luck!
Cheers,
~bubbles
This is so cute. No bad things show up to me. And now I want potato chips! *laughs*
Heh Heh. I can taist them! I really think its cool that you decided to write about food.