Young Writers Society

Hey Steggy!! I saw the second chapter in the green room and I couldn't resist

I'm always super intrigued by stories that center around mental health issues because I work in the mental health field. I really liked the emphasis you put on this being a normal day. I've considered writing something to show what my average day looks like at work because it's so misunderstood, and in many ways under-appreciated. I just haven't gotten around to it :p But I liked that you're not trying to show the "craziest day" or make this particular day anything extreme other than this is his normal day of work and he happens to have this new interesting patient.

Since this is a first draft and LMS, I'm going to focus on big picture things you can think about for the next draft (whenever that happens) or for this remaining draft.

One big thing I'm wondering is when are we and where are we. There are a lot of misconceptions about psych hospitals and there are a ton of differences depending on where you are and when you are. True state psychiatric hospitals in the US are few and far between and are very hard to get into (at least in my state). There are psych wards in most major hospitals but they are designed to stabilize people and transition them to their next step of treatment, not for long term care (although some people do end up staying for longer periods of time). It can actually be tough to get into a psych ward too because at least where I live you need to pose imminent danger of harming yourself or someone else. Are we in a state hospital or a psych ward or something else? In terms of time - I'm assuming we're in present/modern times, but there will obviously be a lot of differences if you're going for a more historical take.

I'm definitely curious to learn why this character ended up here. I already like him I'm not sure what illness you have in mind yet, and that's fine. I think so far he feels like a real person and not like a caricature or like you regurgitated the DSM into a novel. I'm a little confused about why he's classified as having "incurable mental health". It would make more sense to me if this was historical because maybe that was really a classification at one time. But now, that would never (or at least should never) be on someone's chart.

I didn't really mind Ryan's attitude throughout this first chapter. He doesn't seem to be the most passionate person in the world or that he's really fired up and loves his job, but then again, no one does every single day To me, he sounds like he's a bit burned out. I didn't quite understand his line of questioning when he met Tad or why he's going to ask the same questions tomorrow.

Writing wise, I thought the execution was fine. You do a lot of things well writing wise. My one complaint would be that a lot of names are mentioned in this first chapter and I started to lose track of who is who and who is important. You mention some people (like Madeleine) but we never see her. I think you could either streamline the characters a little bit in this chapter just to keep it simple. Or, you could expand the chapter and show us more of his day so we can meet more people.

Overall, I think you have an intriguing start and I'm definitely curious to see what's going to happen next! I saw in a comment below that you're planning on researching psych wards more, which is awesome. I totally understand wanting to get the draft out and worrying about details and every last bit of research later Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about mental health related things! And please let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!

Omg so far it seems like Ryan is the one who ought to be seeing a psychiatrist, if he thinks "cheerful" is a mental health issue rather than a nice personality trait. Wowzers.

Also, Ryan seems awfully judgmental for a guy whose job it is to help people with mental issues. I mean, I realize he works at a psych ward as opposed to being a therapist who would provide help for people with self-esteem issues and whatnot, so that's probably good. But wow.

It disgusted Ryan. Having fun and not remembering the events, only to have a grim reminder in the morning.

“Good morning, Dr. Manhattan! How’re you today?”

“Matthew, it’s a bit too early for your loudness, so please, shut up.”

Ryan sighed, writing down ‘cheerful’.

He was a quaint and quiet man who kept everything to himself. He was young, the youngest to be working in the psych ward, and most reserved from anyone. Most of the nurses there would look at him from the corner of their eye or snicker behind his back.

When Ryan parked at the psych ward, he took a minute to collect himself. Reassuring that everything was going to be okay.

He sounded like a broken record because of Matthew would ask the same question every day.

“I get to check up on Madeleine,” Matthew said while digging his elbow into Ryan’s arm.

“You do remember what Richard said about relationships with patients?”

Matthew coughed. “To never do it because it is inhuman or some crap.”

Hello, Steggy! Lupa here for a review! Let's begin...

1) "He continued his route, humming and then glanced at the clock, making perfect time." I think you need a comma after "humming." However, the wording of that makes the sentence a bit clunky. Perhaps you could break it up into two: "He continued his route, starting to hum. When he glanced at the clock, he realized he was making perfect time." Something like that. I can't provide good examples.

2) "“Matthew, it’s a bit too early for your loudness, so please, shut up.”" Whoa! From what I've read, you describe Dr. Manhattan as a feeble-minded person. I wouldn't imagine him snapping at a cheerful guy. You could definitely be more constant with your character's personality here.

3) "It wasn’t until noon that he begins walking down to the new patient's room." There's a tense switch here, and there are quite a few later on. I suggest fixing that up. Tense switches are no fun for the reader.

There's a lot of curiosity you left me with. Why does Tad have blood stains on him? *shudders* But I guess that type of curiosity is good, especially in a chapter like this one (where we're dealing with mental illness and whatnot).
You did a pretty nice job with this, I must say. There weren't too many details, although I suspect Snazzy left you something about that. I didn't have much to say, just a few nitpicks. Well, keep writing and great work!

XOX,
Lupa22

Hi Steggy!
I see you're doing LMS! may the odds be every in your favor I'll try my best to give you some good feedback (but fair warning, I haven't reviewed consistently in a very long time).

I guess I'll just lump spelling, grammar, description and the like in together. I'm assuming this is a rough draft, so I won't spend too much time on this. There are only a couple of grammar errors in this, as far as I could find (most of them sentence fragments). I don't know what your LMS/first draft strategy is, but I'd encourage you to just "get it out" on paper, so to speak, rather than constantly edit the little things (such as grammar and spelling). It's not really detracting from your chapter, and I think they can be fixed pretty easily.

From the first time Ryan speaks, I love his personality type.

Matthew coughed. “To never do it because it is inhuman or some crap.”

Oooh the first chapter is up, yay! I love psych ward/hospital settings. I also am really intrigued by the MC--you have some strong characterization going on with the repetition of his thoughts about a "normal" day and his "normal" routine. Obviously his routine is going to get a wrench thrown in it, and I can't wait to see what that does to him.

Probably the biggest thing I noticed in this chapter is a lack of scene-setting to ground us in what's going on. "White room syndrome," so to speak. For instance, his drive in to work doesn't give us any clues about the city (which city? what part of the city--classy, rundown, subrubs, downtown, back alleys?) or time of year, nor do I have a good grasp of the hospital (well lit and new with shiny glass and metal, or old and crumbly stone and brick with patches of mold, etc etc?). Similarly, Matthew kind of came completely out of nowhere and I had no idea who he was for a while. Some description like him having a doctor's coat or whatever would help clue us in that he's a coworker and not the janitor or something (or a patient). Also, where did he come from? Did they meet at the elevator out of the parking garage, having both just parked their cars?

The other thing I noticed is that the dialogue occasional does a lot of "As you know, Bob" sort of exposition. Rather than sounding like casual conversation, some lines are obviously meant to explain things to the reader. The most obvious example is "The kid whose best friend shot himself in the head, right in front of him?" Maybe try reading the dialogue out loud, and if you can, recruit a friend to read the other character, so you can get a feel for the natural rhythm of the speech.

Tad doesn't strike me as 19 in how he speaks. I'd say he seems closer to the 13-15 range. While I imagine that's part of his mental health situation, I'm not a big fan of it. I'd rather he's actually younger, or he speaks in a manner more consistent with his age (the latter more preferable if you're planning on any romantic tension, of course).

I was also surprised at how brief and uninformative their session was. Have you been to a real life therapist or psychologist? There are a lot more basic questions Ryan could ask, such as "what do you hope to get out of our time together," "what would you consider an improvement/goal," potentially asking why he left the care of other doctors / why he felt they failed him / how he hopes Ryan can help differently, if he has any friends and family (eg to come visit, to help, or for Ryan to interview separately), etc. I also have no idea what Tad's actual mental health problem is, which makes a HUGE difference in treatment and approach. I'm guessing that it's more along the lines of delusions or schizophrenia as opposed to anxiety/depression or eating disorders or something. But I think I really need a clue in this first chapter, so I can a) know what to expect and b) understand what Ryan is up against.

In a similar vein, why is Ryan so young? Is he super super smart and skipped a bunch of school? How does this play into her personality and his approach to life? If he's so clever that he's finished med school so unusually young, maybe he's really perceptive and pieces clues together about the people around him and what they say and do. I'd like to see more of that element to his personality brought out. Actually at the moment, his dependence on routine and normality feels more like a middle-aged kinda guy, which also fits with his mannerisms and speech. Have you considered making the characters older? Ryan could be in his 40s for example, having perhaps just switched specialties and done a second residency in psychology--or even switched careers and only just finished med school. Orrrr maybe he's super experienced in pysch and that's why Tad's been referred to him--he's the best of the best, the House of the psych world.

Food for though. Best of luck!