Your lies are all coming back;
swirling around and around,
Never ceasing too amaze me
that I believed every one.
I stand here now,
wishing I had seen your lies;
before I lost my heart too them,
before it was to late to turn back.
The cars engulf my vision,
like your lies engulfed my heart.
It's too late now to wish I hadn't believed.
It's too late now, I'm too far gone
Your lies weigh me down;
pushing me over the edge.
A swirl of lights, rising to meet me.
Your lies do not exist here.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey, another quick review.
This is a fairly weak simile, you need to remove the almost or do somthing more creative and origional with the second line, it has potential but you need to maximise the effect.1.
2. I like the reppetition that you have used here, it really works well and too good effect.
3. Intentional or not, the structure of the final stanza is great! The way the lines increase in size to lead to your conclusion and climaz to the poem really made it speak to me mor ethan it could have otherwise, these visual devices are rarely used on here so well done!!
Hey, Starlene! Here to review your piece.
Should be a comma after back.
Swirling around and around,
period after 'me.'
Should either be 'your lies' or 'you live.'
period after 'back.'
Below were?
Don't these two lines state the same thing?
Okay, okay. Let me first say that your poem needs a little work, especially in grammar and sensory details. I couldn't really feel like I was there.
PM Me if you have any questions.
Best of luck to you in your writing.
This is a really great poem, the first line really hooks me.
However, I see a grammer mistakes.
The ones that stuck out in my eyes (and I am able to help you with):
"Never ceasing to#0040BF ">o amaze me"
"Before it was to#0040BF ">o late to turn back"
"it's to#0040BF ">o late now to wish I hadn't believed"
"But it#0040BF ">'s also to#0040BF ">o late for me"
I assume there is a typo when you write "I took to first step" you mean, "the first step"
"...wishing I had seen you#0040BF ">r lies" another typo?
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This is my favourite line, i really like this one (:
All in all, you just need to get the hang of when to use 'too' or 'to'.
'to' mainly means 'in the direction of' eg, a train to London.
'too', pronouced 'two' meaning 'more than is desired, allowed or possible' eg, the train ticket to London was too expensive
Hope I havent rambled (: