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12+ Violence

RIFT

by StarGuardian


THE sound of pattering feet echoed through the empty school halls, they couldn't stop, being caught would mean big trouble. "Chris, we need to hide or something, Mr. Codobra is not giving up this time!" Jerome shouted, running close behind his best friend, Chris, who took a moment to look behind them both. He winced, boy did Mr. Codobra look angry today. "Yeah, I agree, but where will we go?!" Chris shouted back, still running at full speed down the halls. "Somewhere! If we get caught we'll be expelled! You know my parents are-" Jerome tried shouting back, however Chris fashionably interrupted him. "Yes, yes! I know, your parents are serious about you being in school, and think I'm a terrible influence! You say this every time we're spotted when skipping class. Regrets? None, it's the only time I can hangout with you, bro." Chris smiled truthfully, and offered his hand for a fist bump. Jerome smiled back, and happily gave Chris a fist bump. While their friendship had been rudely disrupted by Jerome's rich and posh parents, Chris still found ways to hangout with his best friend, even if it meant skipping class for the chance to see him. Jerome's parents had told Chris that he is a bad influence...which is true, but did that stop him? Clearly not.

"STOP YOUR RUNNING!!" Mr. Codobra yelled, barely managing to choke his words out because of how out of breath he was. Mr. Codobra is a short, chubby Indian man with a heavy accent, but he's still one of the deans. No doubt he was starting to slow down, Chris turned around and ran backwards smirking at Mr. Codobra. "StOp YoUR rUnNinG!!" He mimicked in a poorly executed accent, causing he and Jerome to laugh. Mr. Codobra scowled and finally stopped running after them, placing a hand on the wall for balance. "Remind me why that guy is a dean again? He's gotta be like 60 years old now, he should look into retirement." Jerome joked, he and Chris stopped running a few halls away to catch their breaths. "I don't know, man...hey, uh, we kinda can't go back to class now. We'll be expelled regardless. I say we ditch school completely, and plead innocent tomorrow." Chris explained, taking a drink from the water fountain nearby. Jerome shook his head immediately. "Oh nonononono, I'm not skipping school entirely. I've got a law studies quiz later for my 7th period! You know how badly I want to be a lawyer." Jerome responds, also taking a drink of water from the fountain. "So what do you suppose we do then, huh?" Chris asks, raising his arms in the air with an obvious attitude. He understood that Jerome cared about his studies, and frankly, he wanted nothing more than to see him succeed. However, skipping class and getting good grades didn't mix so well, for him at least. Jerome had nearly perfect grades and a promising future, even despite his attendance, on the other hand, Chris did get good grades...but his attendance has let him down. Totally unfair, teacher's fault all the way.

Jerome shrugged, suddenly someone yelled at them from a few ways down the hall. "HEY, GET BACK HERE!" Chris and Jerome shared panicked looks, and saw that 2 other deans had found them. "Uh oh, that sounds like Mr. Wrenier! No doubt Mrs. Wrenier would be following him too. We can't outrun them! THEY RUN TRACK!! I'm telling you, we need to hide somewhere, we stand no chance!" Jerome exclaims, clutching the collar of Chris's hoodie shaking him. Meanwhile Chris nodded, breaking free of Jerome's grip and headed straight for the stairs leading to the ground floor, quickly swerving past Mr. and Mrs. Wrenier unexpectedly. Both deans stopped running, watching as both boys escaped them in shock. "WAHH! I'm guessing you have a plan!?" Jerome shouted, running after Chris, narrowly dodging the deans. "You bet, jump the stairs, it's faster!" Chris responded, picking up speed to successfully jump the fleet of stairs before him, Jerome doing the same. Mr. and Mrs. Wrenier looked downright furious now, seeing that Chris and Jerome made it down the stairs with little to no effort. Chris was right, jumping was much faster, especially since the deans couldn't do it, they had to walk down them normally. Hah, losers.

Chris ran down the downstairs hallway, making a straight beeline for the janitor's closet, that of which he had the only key too. He had stolen it right out of the janitor's back pocket months ago, and since then the school didn't bother trying to call someone to get the door open, as the janitor had a history with losing his key to the door anyways. Chris smirked, how convenient and dumb of the school admins not to consider that someone stole the key, he knew it would come in handy at some point, never telling Jerome he even had it. They both reached the door, and Chris quickly scrambled to get the key out of one of the pockets in his backpack. "Dude, this closet has been locked up for months! What do you plan to do, break it open?? Unless you have an axe in your bag then-" Jerome tried, but then paused upon seeing Chris pull the key from his backpack. "Oh. That's totally fine, you have the key." Jerome rambled, clearly baffled by what he was seeing. Chris made quick work at unlocking the door, and pulling Jerome inside. Just in time too, right as Mr. and Mrs. Wrenier passed by the closet, running and blaring their whistles like normal. The closet itself was cramped and dusty, filled to the brim with old cleaning supplies, but there was just enough room for the both of them to stand and sit comfortably if need be. "How did you get a hold of the key?!" Jerome whispered and smiled, Chris always had the best getaway plans, he never disappoints. Sometimes he wonders why he keeps skipping class to hang out with Chris, especially when they're both at risk of being expelled, but this is exactly why. They've never been caught, always getting away and managing to make every dean and school admin angry, knowing they can't be punished with just their allegations alone. Otherwise, they'd have Jerome's very upset parents on their hands, they believe he's nothing but a good boy, which was true. "I'm the reason it went missing in the first place, I stole it right out of that old man's pocket." Chris whispered back, chuckling deviously while swinging the key on his finger. Jerome scoffed and rolled his eyes, still smiling, "Man, you're evil. The poor guy got fired because of you! Now janitors from the other buildings have to work overtime!"

"Hey, I did that old man a favor. Just like Mr. Codobra, he was too old to be working here still!" Chris pats Jerome's shoulder, placing his other hand over his heart as if to say he did it out of sympathy for the man. Jerome stared, not amused or convinced at all raising an eyebrow. "C'mon, admit it!" Chris tried again, throwing an innocent smile onto his face, Jerome's expression softened and he sighed. "Well...he was starting to look a bit pale..." Jerome spoke slowly, admitting defeat. "There yah go bud! I'm not so evil, your parents should really reconsider. After all, i'Ve ChAnGed mY POOR wAys." Chris said dramatically, causing himself to laugh. "Oh, shut up!" Jerome laughed too, playfully pushing Chris aside. After a few moments of what felt like peace, a few sudden and loud bangs emitted from the door, enticing silent gasps from both Chris and Jerome. "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, WE CAN HEAR YOU!! WE'RE BREAKING THIS DOOR DOWN!!" Mr. Wrenier yelled, it sounded like he was trying to beat the metal door down with his bare fists. "Uh...I think it's over this time, Chris." Jerome whispered honestly, watching in partial horror as the door started to become jostled and bent. Chris frantically looked around for something they might be able to use to get away, he took a step back and froze, drawing his attention to the floor beneath him. He felt something shift... so he knelt down and started to pry at the floor, seeing it wasn't made of tile, but out of wood, gosh this closet was old. "CHRIS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Jerome silently shouted, only loud enough for Chris to hear. He stared at Chris in disbelief as he watched him swiftly remove the floorboard revealing something neither of them expected. "What...is this?" Chris questioned with wide confused eyes, before him was a deep, dark, and very dusty hole. Out of curiosity, Chris stuck his head in for a better look, and saw that what they found wasn't just an ordinary hole...but a-

TUNNEL.

Both Chris and Jerome stared in startled silence, Chris slowly looked at Jerome, who frantically shook his head immediately knowing what Chris was thinking. "We could find our way out of the school using these tunnels. We won't be expelled." Chris reasoned calmly, but Jerome continued to shake his head, however one loud bang on the door made him change his mind, he nodded his head yes instead. Chris took a deep breath, inwardly feeling a bit nervous about this decision, but he'd rather this than being expelled, which sounded crazy. Something like this wouldn't be on his or Jerome's permanent record. In the next moment, Chris confidently lowered himself down into the tunnel, Jerome following after him, replacing the floorboard above them so they won't be found. Just as they did, above them they heard the sound of the door being broken down, crashing to the ground with a shuddering thud. "Where did they go..? Could've sworn I heard them in here..." Mrs. Wrenier said confused, eventually Chris and Jerome heard them walk away, leaving them in complete silence and darkness. "Okay man, I don't like it down here. Why don't we just climb back out instead?" Jerome suggested, watching the long tunnel both ways with weary eyes. Chris nodded, they got away from the deans and that's what matters, there was no way either of them were going to stay down here any longer, this place raised too many questions. Why was this tunnel here in the first place...? They'd rather not stick around and find out, the original plan definitely changed for the better.

Jerome knelt down on one knee, and used his hands to create a makeshift platform for Chris to stand on so he could remove the floorboard again. Chris thanked Jerome and was quick to use all of his force to press up on the floorboard, it shouldn't take much force with how loose it was before. After a moment however, Chris's heart sank all the way down to the pit of his stomach. Fear struck his mind and body in an instant as his breathing subtly began to pick up. The floorboard didn't budge at all... The thought of being lost, and without help down here is what spooked him the most, however he quickly tried to dismiss such thoughts from his mind, panicking won't do them any good at all.

Jerome noticed Chris stopped pushing, and squinted his eyes to see what was wrong. "Chris? You good man?" Jerome asked, but Chris didn't have the strength to tell Jerome that they were now stuck down here, so he slowly stepped down, and switched places with Jerome, since he was taller, maybe he had a better chance. "I-I'm too short to push the floorboard back up, you try instead." Chris stuttered as calmly as possible, thankfully because it was so dark down here, Jerome couldn't see his moderately terrified expression. Jerome seemed to shrug, and stepped up on Chris's hands to have a go at the floorboard. After a few seconds he started to struggle, and then stepped down, clearly panicking upon realizing the situation. "Chris...I think that metal door is on top of the floorboard. Meaning we're stuck. Call 911." Jerome said, Chris immediately pulled out his phone from the pocket of his hoodie and tried to turn it on. However, once he did, the screen of his phone appeared glitched, as if there had been a virus installed onto it. "What in the world..? We're not even that far underground, let me try my phone." Jerome commented, watching Chris's phone glitch out like crazy, but the exact same thing happened to his own. Mouth agape, both of them stared, silently knowing the only way out now was to find the exit of these tunnels. No one would think to look down here, because no one knows this tunnel exists! Obviously, it had been abandoned but what had it been originally used for? Repairs to pipes..? No, there were none lining the walls, it was just a plain, rectangular-shaped, very old, tunnel made of concrete, not even a single drawing of graffiti.

"Call for help...?" Jerome shrugged slowly, in the hopes someone might hear them both down here. Chris shook his head, "No, we'd be expelled remember?" Jerome dropped his smile, and then silently looked down at his shoes."Right...Welp, good thing I wore my white suit today, otherwise you won't be able to see me at all. Now imagine if I was wearing black, I'd be invisible down here cause I am black!" Jerome joked, a poor attempt at trying to lighten the mood, seeing Chris not laugh, he tried again- "And it's a good thing you're white, because you're wearing all black...heh...?" Jerome smiled sheepishly, his white teeth easily visible through the darkness. Chris was still silent, and unmoving, until he randomly started to walk forward. "Um, excuse me?? Where do you think you're going??" Jerome placed his hands on his hips and caught up beside Chris, who took off his hood, revealing his blonde hair. "I'm going to find a way out of here. We can't call for help, and we can't get that floorboard loose again- so our best bet is to walk this way, because in parallel to the hallways above in the school, the entrance gate is in this direction." Chris explained, catching Jerome off guard, causing him to scoff. "Well okay then, I trust you bud. This ain't so bad, and I mean c'mon, just how far can this tunnel possibly go? It's just one way, we'll find our way out of here in no time. THEN I'M SUING THE SCHOOL FOR CHILD ENDANGERMENT AND THIS RANDOM, CREEPY TUNNEL!!" Jerome shouted, flailing his arms in the air, at last this got a chuckle out of Chris. "Make sure we get millions in settlement- no, billions!" Chris exclaimed playfully, bumping shoulders with Jerome, things were pretty laid-back, there didn't seem to be anything too scary down here, let alone anything at all.

They walked and talked calmly, unable to tell how long they've been down here for already. "-you know it's a good thing neither of us have allergies, this place is duuuuss-ty!" Jerome chuckled, referring to all of the dust particles that were visible floating through the air. "Yeah, and imagine if either of us was afraid of the dark...Hey, wait a minute. Do you think the flashlights on our phones still work?" Chris questioned, pulling out his phone once again and shaking it to activate the flashlight feature. To his, and Jerome's surprise both of their phone's flashlights worked. "Sweet, now you can see me!" Jerome smirked, Chris smiled back and rolled his eyes. There was literally no one he'd rather be stuck down here than with Jerome, all they had was each other after all. While the trek continued, things started to get a bit eerie, the walls seemed to be getting wider, but the ceiling height stayed the same, but ultimately- there was still no end in sight. Silence eventually dominated, leaving lone thoughts to cross Chris's mind. He's seen things online about exploring abandoned places and stuff, but this wasn't like anything he's seen before. Unlike the locations in the videos, it was apparent that this school wasn't abandoned, but this tunnel sure was. Could the janitor have anything to do with it? Was he hiding something down here? Not a single trace of life to be spotted for miles...

Eventually, Jerome started to yawn, all of this walking was clearly getting the both of them no where. "Alright man, I think we should take a break for a bit, my legs are starting to kill me." Jerome admitted, pausing to catch his breath. Chris also stopped, and allowed his back to press against the wall behind him, he slid to the floor, resting his legs. Jerome did the same, sitting opposite from him. Chris took his backpack off of his back, and opened it, searching for the snacks he knew he had, finding himself hungry. "I wonder how long it'll take us to get out of here, hopefully just a few hours at most, we should have enough water and snacks to last us that long." Jerome commented, also opening his backpack, pulling out the white 1 liter water bottle he had, still almost completely full. "Dunno, but I doubt we'll die down here or something, I'm not scared, are you?" Chris asked, having opened up a small bag of Doritos he had packed as a snack to have with the school lunch. He kept his eyes trained on his chips, not bothering to look at Jerome as he munched. They kept their phone flashlights on, and pointed at the ceiling of the tunnel, the only source of light that was dimly providing visibility. "No...not really. I've got my best bro by my side, you and I have been through a lot. I know we can handle it." Jerome smiled slightly, and confidently, drinking some of his water, then placing it back in his bag. "Heh, you bet." Chris smiled back, finishing up his bag of chips, and stuffing the empty bag back into his backpack. He stared then frowned at the bunch of snacks he had left in his backpack, and inwardly started to think of the worst. There was a chance they would get lost, and would need to survive on the very few things they had, for how long...? How long would this supply last..? Chris shook his head, snapping himself out of those thoughts yet again, he didn't want to think negatively, negativity kills hope after all. It was better to stay calm and go with the flow, worrying won't do anything, in the words of his mother.

Chris and Jerome sat down in the spot for a while longer, for what felt like it might've been ten minutes before ultimately deciding it was time to get up and keep moving. "You ready to get moving again, Jerry?" Chris questioned, standing back up and stretching when Jerome nodded a yes. The trek continued yet again, pressing forward into the darkness before them with confidence. Chris took the time to pay a curious glance to Jerome, who seemed to be watching the ceiling with a mixed expression of determination and silent interest. "What are you thinking about?" Chris tilted his head, trying to track Jerome's gaze to see what he was looking at with such intensiveness. "Do you think we'd be able to hear the bell ring from down here? We could use it to tell the time, if we do hear it that would mark the end of 4th period, starting lunch." Jerome theorized, keeping his voice low in case there was a chance to hear the bell. Chris hummed in consideration, "Maybe...that would be useful. But do you really think that there's a chance of that? We aren't that far underground, and yet our phones don't work at all. It's like we stepped into a completely different world, so how could we hear the bell?" Chris added, speaking in an equally quiet voice as he leaned closer to Jerome, who shrugged simply. "Just a thought. I have no idea, honestly." Jerome answered, bringing his eyes back to watch the ceiling, just in case. However, there was no sound at all aside from their breathing and walking, making this tunnel all the more pressuring.

More, and more time goes by, and yet, there is still no end in sight, just darkness, and worst of all- it started to get colder. Frustrated sighs emit themselves in the air, nothing but boring concrete...how could a tunnel like this be so plain? There wasn't even a single bug on the wall! "This got boring reaaaaaaally fast." Jerome groaned, dragging a hand down his own face in annoyance. "You said it, bro." Chris sighed, heavily slouching his shoulders as the two continued to walk, and walk....oh, and even more walking! How lovely. As Chris suspected, neither of them could hear the bell. That is, if that much time had already passed, if either of them had to guess, it's been roughly 2 miserable hours since they got stuck here. The tunnel stopped getting wider a while back, and had stayed consistent for the past 30-40 minutes, Chris sighed again, what on Earth were he and Jerome supposed to do with that information anyways? Did the tunnel get smaller if they went back the other way instead, or did it grow just as this way of it did? Should they turn back and try to yell for help...? Chris looked behind him, the longer he stared into the darkness the more it seemed like the tunnel warped, and the colder he felt. It was obvious his eyes were playing tricks on him, he was starting to see things moving amongst the darkness inching closer with every step he took forward. Was it possible that there were...things down here? Monsters? Chris didn't believe in monsters, and hoped nothing down here would make him believe in them.

What would happen after this? Would they still be expelled? Well, the school was getting sued either way, Jerome didn't joke about that. Chris moved away from Jerome, to trace his hands along the concrete walls. It was abnormally smooth for something he guessed has been here for a long time, he narrowed his eyes, considering the lack of cracks in the walls as a strange abnormality. While he knew very little about abandoned places, this was by far the most unique place he's seen out of all of those videos. "Hey Chris...if we get stuck down here, and I die... You can have my stuff." Jerome said out of nowhere, a bland expression on his face, and a dim light in his eyes. Chris whipped his head to look back at Jerome in surprise. "We're not going to get stuck down here, and I'm not going to let you die. How could you say that?" Chris responded, quickly moving back to Jerome's side. "In horror movies the black guy always dies, man. And this? This is pretty much a horror movie if you haven't noticed...but I mean it. I just don't have a good feeling about this tunnel." Jerome shrugged, chuckling at first but then frowning. Chris furrowed his brows again and placed a reassuring hand on Jerome's shoulder. "Like I said, not going to happen. You've done too much for me, of everyone in the world there's two people I care about the most. Me, and you. That's it." Chris confidently remarked, he didn't want to show his fear, especially when Jerome seemed to feel uneasy. "I thought you only cared about yourself." Jerome scoffed and smirked, shaking his head. "Nah, I had a little extra room for you so why not." Chris joked, sharing a good ol' laugh with Jerome once again. For the next few minutes the two exchanged dumb jokes as they walked in darkness, that was until Jerome suddenly held his arm out in front of Chris to stop him from going any farther.

"Why did yah-...woah." Chris exclaimed, holding his phone up so the flashlight could shine on what was in front of them. There was something up ahead, the tunnel looked different. In hopes of an exit, Jerome and Chris ran towards it with smiling faces. As they approached they realized it wasn't an exit, but instead, the tunnel seemed to split. Not how you'd typically imagine it, what was before them looked like an absolute maze, with smaller corridors, and misaligned walls that stretched to the now 10 ft. tall ceiling. Chris and Jerome traded glances of surprise. "There's no straight path. Should we go back, or...?" Jerome questioned after a moment of staring, pure hesitation on his face. Chris hummed in consideration, scratching the back of his neck, he looked behind them once again and felt nauseous as the tunnel seemed to spin, it felt wrong and dangerous to walk back the way they came. However, when he looked ahead, the nausea completely vanished and it felt like the tunnel was pulling them deeper, and deeper... "We should keep going. Forward." Chris said simply, pointing ahead of them, Jerome paused but ultimately nodded in agreement. While he wasn't sure what Chris's thought process was, going back only meant they would lose the ground they covered already, especially if there was a chance they were still going to be stuck, having to walk in either direction, again just sounded miserable. Chris walked forward, and looked down some of the corridors, seeing that some led to dead ends, while others led so far, that all that was visible was darkness. He stopped in front of one corridor, he felt drawn to it almost, inwardly unsure of where these instincts came from as he's never been able to sense things as such. Chris stared at the corridor for a moment, tilting his head, watching...this one felt right.

So he walked confidently, Jerome following closely behind him. "Why this one?" Jerome asked innocently, while he trusted Chris, he couldn't help but question his decision making at times. There were definitely some questioning moments he would rather not recall. "It just sorta...made the most sense to me to take this path." Chris admitted, keeping his phone flashlight carefully trained on the trail in front of them both. It was strange, the tunnel only seemed like it just got longer, and longer, the farther they went. Although it's been mere minutes, looking behind them, neither Chris or Jerome could see the intersection with the other paths anymore, how was that even possible...? "Ooookay, the laws of physics say that's humanly impossible, and I know for a fact it ain't a trick of the light. I hate this, I think I'd rather be expelled now." Jerome commented, as he and Chris watched the path behind them, it was as if it stretched. "This is kinda cool though, exploring these abandoned tunnels." Chris smiled lightly, thinking back to all of the exploration of abandoned places videos he enjoyed watching. Uncovering things that have been long forgotten was simply fascinating to him, and who knows what they might find down here beneath their school of all places? "I guess, if we actually planned for this then maybe I'd be more comfortable...but I think I'm going to have to disagree with you on that, buddy." Jerome responded, gesturing to his backpack and phone, so yeah, maybe they weren't prepared and had no idea where they were going, but the danger made it more interesting, right? Chris chuckled, shaking his head as the two pressed on.

Both of their footsteps seemed to become louder, and their eyes slowly began to adjust to the darkness providing just enough visibility to see each other and a few paces ahead even without the use of their flashlights. Jerome started to hum the tune of a song, and Chris hummed along with him, a silent acknowledgment that they were both still okay mentally and physically. Being in the darkness like this for too long can't be good for anyone, there was also the chance that the air down here was toxic and could potentially cause either of them to fall ill. This was thought about, but not said, in fear it would bring the reality of being stuck down here with no escape to life. Initially, with every step Chris and Jerome took, plans for the worst started to form in their minds. Running out of food, and water was the most concerning thus far, as they seemed to be feeling fine upon being down here for the most part. Since the break they took a while back, neither of them have eaten or have drunk any water. "Hey Chris? I was thinking, maybe we should stop and assess our supplies." Jerome said, stopping mid step urging Chris to stop walking as well. "Good idea." Chris nodded, they carefully sat on the ground and opened their backpacks, separating the food from the school supplies sprawling it out on the ground. Jerome opened the notepad he always carried, and wrote down the things they had:

Water- x1 liter

Food- x2 Fritos (Honey barbecue), x1 Sandwich (Turkey, ham, and cheese), x1 Juice box (Apple juice), x1 tangerine, x1 Gum pack (Cool mint, 15 sticks left)

Jerome winced, and hissed at his notes. "Uh...that's not a lot. If we ration it correctly this might last us... a week and a half? Maybe more? But after that- we'll starve, or die from dehydration." Jerome clicked his pen closed, sighing and sitting back looking at he and Chris's supplies. Considering neither of them had eaten lunch yet, this was going to be a problem. "That's unfortunate, but I'm not going to give up. Do you want to try going back the way we came?" Chris also sighed, looking from the supplies to Jerome with a surprisingly hopeful expression. "Sounds like a plan, bro." Jerome nodded and smiled, quickly packing his things back into his backpack, as did Chris. Both stood up confidently with slight smiles, turning around and going back. Things were starting to look up a bit, continuing to walk and allowing themselves to get lost would only make matters worse, at this point, being expelled didn't sound so bad. In the few minutes they walked, it was strange, even though it had taken them so long to get to where they were, it seemed the intersection was just up ahead.

"Could've sworn we walked a lot longer...guess not?" Jerome tilted his head, raising an eyebrow noticing the same thing as Chris. As they edged closer, what they were met with was not the intersection from before, but a giant room with metal beams that stretched over a dark chasm below. There was another path on one side of the wall, but to get to it, they had to cross over the metal beams. Chris and Jerome stared in disbelief and confusion, it wasn't like they took any turns, the path they went down was completely straight! They shined their flashlights at the chasm, carefully leaning over the edge to see what was down there, but their lights didn't reach the bottom. So now they were officially lost, even despite being so careful about staying on one path. Jerome rubbed his hand down his face sighing, simply staring at what was before them, as was Chris.

"Uh...so we're dead." 


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Stickied -- Sun Jan 14, 2024 7:37 pm
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StarGuardian says...



ORIGINALLY POSTED ON WATTPAD:
Thank you all very much for reading!




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Tue Jan 16, 2024 2:36 pm
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Rose wrote a review...



Aloha!



Beyond my beloved rose garden, I spy with my little eye…

Something quite chilling; a story titled “Rift”

Alrighty, no more delays. Let’s put these review skillz into action, shall we?

Image

I. First Things First
Let’s kick off by showering a burst of confetti on those standout parts. Very first of all, you've created a rather intriguing and engaging plot. The discovery of a tunnel beneath the school creates the perfect bone-chilling effect that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Not to mention that the beginning of your story quite added to the intrigue, because we get to know Jerome and Chris, their lively and authentic friendship and a bit of their personalities and their backgrounds.

The humour in your story definitely added to the intrigue, and it adds a light-hearted touch to the overall suspenseful story. I must say that your story definitely reminded me of Stephen King's novels and writing style.

II. The Door To Improvement
Every story has a first draft, and I have a few suggestions and idea's for you to improve on certain points.

Let's start with the readability of your story. It is engaging overall and has this mysterious atmosphere throughout the entire tale, but it has an extremely long length. This might discourage readers to read and reviewers to review, since this is a novel, consider cutting it into several pieces and creating different chapters. Thereby it will not only be an easy read, but you will also be able to receive feedback on specific parts of the chapter instead of a whole piece in one time.

For instance, you could create a chapter one that ends at the part of where the friends are stuck in the tunnel. This seems like a perfect cliffhanger for your first chapter, but of course, end it where you like. Also, you will then have the chance to create subtitles that fit with the chapters, perhaps "Lost on Shadows" would fit, or "The Silent Maze" or maybe just "The Tunnel".

Secondly, try to divide your paragraphs into smaller blocks, since your paragraphs are quite long and might create a tedious read. If you break it into smaller bits, you can also create a better structure for your story with the dialogues. You could also put the thoughts of your characters in a cursive font, to create a contrast between the storyteller and the thoughts of the friends.

For example, here's a before:

THE sound of pattering feet echoed through the empty school halls, they couldn't stop, being caught would mean big trouble. "Chris, we need to hide or something, Mr. Codobra is not giving up this time!" Jerome shouted, running close behind his best friend, Chris, who took a moment to look behind them both. He winced, boy did Mr. Codobra look angry today. "Yeah, I agree, but where will we go?!" Chris shouted back, still running at full speed down the halls. "Somewhere! If we get caught we'll be expelled! You know my parents are-" Jerome tried shouting back, however Chris fashionably interrupted him. "Yes, yes! I know, your parents are serious about you being in school, and think I'm a terrible influence! You say this every time we're spotted when skipping class. Regrets? None, it's the only time I can hangout with you, bro." Chris smiled truthfully, and offered his hand for a fist bump. Jerome smiled back, and happily gave Chris a fist bump. While their friendship had been rudely disrupted by Jerome's rich and posh parents, Chris still found ways to hangout with his best friend, even if it meant skipping class for the chance to see him. Jerome's parents had told Chris that he is a bad influence...which is true, but did that stop him? Clearly not.


And an after:
THE sound of pattering feet echoed through the empty school halls, they couldn't stop, being caught would mean big trouble.
"Chris, we need to hide or something, Mr. Codobra is not giving up this time!" Jerome shouted while running close behind his best friend, Chris, who took a moment to look behind them both.
He winced, boy did Mr. Codobra look angry today.
"Yeah, I agree, but where will we go?!" Chris shouted back, still running at full speed down the halls.
"Somewhere! If we get caught we'll be expelled! You know my parents are-" Jerome tried shouting back, however Chris fashionably interrupted him. "Yes, yes! I know, your parents are serious about you being in school, and think I'm a terrible influence! You say this every time we're spotted when skipping class. Regrets? None, it's the only time I can hangout with you, bro."
Chris smiled truthfully, and offered his hand for a fist bump. Jerome smiled back, and happily gave Chris a fist bump. While their friendship had been rudely disrupted by Jerome's rich and posh parents, Chris still found ways to hangout with his best friend, even if it meant skipping class for the chance to see him. Jerome's parents had told Chris that he is a bad influence...which is true, but did that stop him? Clearly not.


Another after:
THE sound of pattering feet echoed through the empty school halls, they couldn't stop, being caught would mean big trouble.

"Chris, we need to hide or something, Mr. Codobra is not giving up this time!" Jerome shouted, running close behind his best friend, Chris, who took a moment to look behind them both. He winced, boy did Mr. Codobra look angry today.

"Yeah, I agree, but where will we go?!" Chris shouted back, still running at full speed down the halls.

"Somewhere! If we get caught we'll be expelled! You know my parents are-" Jerome tried shouting back, however Chris fashionably interrupted him.
"Yes, yes! I know, your parents are serious about you being in school, and think I'm a terrible influence! You say this every time we're spotted when skipping class. Regrets? None, it's the only time I can hangout with you, bro." Chris smiled truthfully, and offered his hand for a fist bump.

Jerome smiled back, and happily gave Chris a fist bump. While their friendship had been rudely disrupted by Jerome's rich and posh parents, Chris still found ways to hangout with his best friend, even if it meant skipping class for the chance to see him. Jerome's parents had told Chris that he is a bad influence...which is true, but did that stop him? Clearly not.



Thirdly, the tale could benefit from some more detailed descriptions to create that suspenseful atmosphere. And it doesn't need to be confusing with too much adjectives, also some metaphorical language could help. Try to create a vivid picture of the setting for the readers, that could include some descriptions of the school, the tunnel and the overall atmosphere.
And I get the tunnel, it's endless and dark, but just a few descriptions can do wonders. Here's an example:
The tunnel stretched on, like a black serpent slithering through the belly of the school. Its walls, cold and concrete, damp and forgotten. And the air hung heavy with an old, dusty scent, tickling the senses of Jerome and Chris.


But of course, do keep in mind, these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the impact and depth of your story. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.

III. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out any work by @vampricone6783 and Just Clowning Around: Part 1 - 1.5 by @SkyJayde for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!

IV. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, I really enjoyed reading this tale of yours. It has a lot of potential, a promising begin and, of course, a plot full of suspense. I'm looking forward to the next part, good luck with your writing projects!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Rose-tinted regards!




StarGuardian says...


Thank you very much for your review, and kind words! I'll take that into consideration for the next chapter, changing the format might be better yeah haha. Looks a lot different here than it does on Google docs!



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Mon Jan 15, 2024 1:34 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Chris and Jerome skip class and run from the deans, hiding in a closet to do so. While hiding, Chris finds out that the floor is made of wood. He and Jerome jump into the hidden floor and get absolutely, incredibly, undeniably, lost.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - There was past tense and present tense in the story, which was a bit confusing, but I still understood it.

Chocolate Bar - I like that Chris and Jerome tried to keep level head, for the most part. Doing that in the situation that they’re in doesn’t sound easy at all, and I admire the courage they had.

Closing Graham Cracker - That ended on a cliffhanger! I have no idea if they’re going to escape or not, but I’m hoping for the best! I’ll check out the other chapters when they come out. :>

I wish you an amazing day/night!




StarGuardian says...


Thank you for reading, and for your review! Sometimes I struggle with past and present tense when writing dialogue, but I'll be sure to read over the next chapter extra carefully!



vampricone6783 says...


You%u2019re welcome! Keep writing, your stories are interesting. ^v^



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Sun Jan 14, 2024 7:37 pm
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StarGuardian says...



Also, if you would rather read this elsewhere please ask me where ti find it!





Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell