Swimming, Searching, Standing

Saaaaaaalutations, Wolfe!

I'm in need of a poem for my daily review, and the Green Room has sadly been cleared of those. Therefore, I have appeared! I chose you arbitrarily. ;P


This is easily the most challenging poem I've had to review this month. I actually had to go read some tutorials on reviewing poetry, but hey, I don't mind! Reading those articles was enriching. I'm happy that it's for one of your reviews that I needed to do this.

The impression I got of this poem is that it's simultaneously chaotic and clinging to some sense of order. I think this was your aim, considering how the speaker warns the reader of the disorder of their mind. At the end, it actually seemed too chaotic — the two consecutive dashes were probably supposed to surround the second line, not solely precede it, and the antepenultimate and penultimate lines of the poem feel like two sentences squished into one.

I'm uncertain whether the speaker inside the parentheses are the same as the speaker throughout the rest of the poem. More than that, I can't tell whether the parenthespeaker is talking to the reader or the actual speaker of the poem. Perhaps it's even both? When you say "traveler", it definitely feels like a warning or notice to the reader, but "maestro" seems almost like a jeering way of the one speaker addressing the other, just as a voice in one's head could address and jeer at oneself. However, the first parenthesis, of the traveler needing to search far and wide, as well as not being their own, could also refer to how the speaker is confined within their mind, which is theirs, yet also not. Although it's confusing, it's clearly intentional, and it follows wonderfully the theme of chaos that permeates the poem.

Flow is something I already touched on a little two paragraphs ago. Throughout the poem, I quite enjoyed the pacing, and though the lines are longer than I've seen in many other poems, this one still maintains a smoothness and fluidity becoming of the work and the imagery of violent waters. Near the end, it feels more stop-and-go, as if the two speakers are wrestling for priority, but then the main speaker accelerates towards the conclusion and triumphs with that triumphant line "And I'm left standing." Lovely!

Having said that, there are also some problems with appropriateness. "Bile and tears are one in the same" actually ought to be "and", instead of "in", as "one and the same" is the fixed expression there. In the following stanza, "crafted by yours truly" fits perfectly with the flow, and although I recommend cutting it because it repeats what is implied in "my own prison", removing it would hamper the progression and interrupt the pattern of two lines (and optional parenthesis). That one's a bit tricky. In the final line, I feel writing out the contraction as "I am" would not only extend the moment just a fraction longer, but it would also give it more confidence and match the lack of contractions that the rest of the poem displays.


Arrrgh, I enjoyed this so much! It was beautiful and marvelously encapsulated the inner conflict of a troubled mind. I've been spending about a day reviewing this, since interruptions kept popping up, but one of them was rather fitting! See, I had watched the first few rounds of the Duels section in season two of World of Dance, and after being inspired by that and coming here, I could connect with your poem in a deeper way than before. The emotion shone through, and it was a delight to be able to experience that. Thank you for writing such a breathtaking poem! Serenity in chaos. Just... wow.

~ Hunter

Hello~~~~

Jen parachuting by to throw a review at you~~~ Hopefully it doesn't hit anything~~~

Anyways, congratulations on this poem! Its symbolism and strength is impressive, and I do very much approve of your diction and syntax.

My favorite line, I would say, is:
"Bile and tears are one in the same
poison, partnered with pain."
I'm not sure how to express it, but the way you worded gives off an... almost satisfying feeling. Satisfying as in the sense that it flows well, has a unique character, is expressive, and reads wondrously. It's also quite true, and gives readers insight on the nature of the poem as well as the nature of your writer's soul. (Hopefully that made sense.)

It's also quite intriguing how you deliberately ignored the rules of capitalization in the tidbits within parenthesis, giving those parts a softer feeling. It's kind of like when you're listening to a song, and sometimes there are background vocals along with the main melody. The BGV are usually softer and less noticeable, but are most definitely important and set up a certain atmosphere.

However, there is one line I puzzle over, and cannot say I really like. This line:
"But I refuse to stop swimming in my own prison
crafted by yours truly."
In the entirety of the poem, the narrator doesn't seem to be addressing someone in particular. Suddenly throwing in a "you" is slightly confusing and off-balance. (The "you"s in the parenthesis are fine, as they always seem to be addressing someone in particular, and are relatively detached from the voice of the narrator.) There's probably a good reason you chose to add that line, but it just doesn't feel right, and doesn't read smoothly. Mayhaps you can move that line into a parenthesis or something.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading your poem. There may be a few tweaks here and there that you may want to consider making, but I won't point them out because they seem to be worded exactly as you wanted to word them.

Keep up the good work! Happy writing~~~

"But I refuse to stop swimming in my own prison crafted by yours truly."

I have read this more than once and it's only been around three minutes. Beautiful, really. Incredible. There are no words to describe how many different meanings I can find in this piece. But that's what a poem is. A story without a plot/scenario determined. It's up to the mind.

Usually I have some criticism, but in this case, I'm left speechless. You are really talented. Certainly a gift.

Keep writing, and make sure that you keep this up, because I can truly say that poems are your thing.

Wow. That was incredible. You truly have a gift here. This poem is ambiguous, but so mellifluous and gorgeous in description that it holds so much weight. I want to read it again to extract the meaning, which truly is the sign of a talented poet. The bracketed sections are so unusual and different, and the caesura and uncertain sentence structure gives it an ethereal quality. It is quite honestly, beautiful.

Normally here I talk about areas the poem can be improved, but I've got nothing really. In stanza five "one in the same" should probably be "one and the same", but apart from that I have no more words.

Keep writing, because I can't wait to read more from you soon!

- Arathorth