Edited, again
PRELUDE
One soul was not meant to be possessed by two poles, tugging each to it's own direction. A single heart does not bind naturally to dual sides without snagging one end. A solo can multiply into a duo when it comes to affection, but cannot times into a trio.
There is nothing Carah hated more than sports games, but oh, the things she does to gain and maintain the admiration of a certain someone. The jeers and cheers from the stands clattered like ceramic on pavement into Carah's eardrums. She positively loathed high school football games. Though, how could she miss it? William Dolley, the varisty line-backer of West Avery High, and Carah's all-around, tailor-made ideal guy was playing. If outside of his Cougar football uniform, no one would guess that William plays the sport of jocks and homecoming kings. Even though he was attractive; most people saw William Dolley as a joke, popular, but someone you just cannot take seriously. Carah felt exteremly different. To her, Will was gorgeous, and his personality around her was not the persona he displayed with every other student at West Avery.
The high chants and loud yelling soon indicated to Carah that the final touchdown was made, and the Cougars won by a landslide. Carah anxiously fixed her hair and adjusted her outfit. She had to try her best to even feel worthy of Will's presence, she thought. Even though he would be coming back from the locker room damp of perspiration and smelling the least like roses, Carah would be more than delighted to wrap her arms around his neck and embrace the one she infactuated over.
Carah noticed him walking towards her, and the large crowd of overly-excited West Avery supporters, his eyes glancing at hers, and Carah's predition of Will's appearance was proven.
"Hey," the two said in unison.
William's smile apon his handsome face, along side his lime coloured eyes and dark, sandy brown hair made the insides of Carah flutter, and while hugging him she could have sworn her stumach acid transfigured into butterflies.
"Sorry, I'm not exactly date ready, smell and looks wise." William admitted.
"No. This is... You are completely fine. William, you like a greek god, as always."
Her night with William was better than she could have ever imagine. The actual date wasn't even the highlight of the night. It was Carah and William reaching the highest point of intimacy, and yes, it was also even better than Carah had ever imagined as well.
"Where were you last night, I called about a million times?" Rolling her eyes at such a hyperbole, Carah felt irked. This drive home will not be pleasent.
"Anna Dolley's house. If you can recall, you just picked me up from there, Scott." This conversation was barely starting and Carah already felt uneased.
"No, before then, around seven or eight o'clock." Scott rebuted, his nails digging inside of the leather of the steering wheel.
Carah paused. "The football game. Anna's brother is on varsity, so we went to watch him." Scott began to say something, but soon went to a halt.
Atleast five minutes had passed inside the silent Ford before Scott brought up: "Since when were you such great friends with Anna Dolley? If you ask me, you're more interested in her little brother." Even though this was completely true, Carah hated to hear those words escaping from his lips. She decided not to object and stare bitterly at him instead.
"I know how much you like him, Carah." Scott said, sounding more solemn than hostile. "You've liked him since freshmen year. Now, three years later, you're still obsessed with that kid. I didn't like Will at first, but now I hate him now more than ever."
"How can you say something like that? You don't even know if anything happened between us."
"Oh, please," Scott laughed. "He is William Dolley and you are the only girl strange enough to even fall for him. I'm positive he took advantage of you last night."
Carah wanted so badly to strike him with incredible force, but knew it could lead to a massive car collision on the highway.
"Just tell me. Do you want to be with him?"
The sight of Scott's stare made Carah tremble. She began to feel sorrowful though, sorrow could not shift the shape of how she felt towards William Dolley. Nothing could.
As hard as it was for Carah to choke out the words, they all came out as smooth as butter, "Yes, I do."
Scott hung his head in defeat, his shoulder-length hair fell over his gloomy face, hiding it from view.
A mixture of anxiety and relief flooded Carah's mood. This was not the time or place she wanted to tell Scott about all this, or if she ever planned on it.
"Home, sweet home," Carah said, faking a perky tone. It didn't help ease the tension.
Carah opened the car door, took a couple of steps away from the car when Scott let out, "I'll gather up all your stuff at my place and return them to you tomorrow."
"Same," Carah agreed.
"We had a great three year run. I don't regret any of it," he said.
Even though Carah chose William Dolley over Scott Canseco, she could not deny the years she'd spent being with Scott was not fulfilling. She was in love with him, very much so, and he delivered the same back to her, but there was something about Will that Carah loved, admired, wanted. Something she also could not deny.
"Nor do I." Carah replied.
One soul was not meant to be possessed by two poles, tugging each to it's direction. A single heart does not bind naturally to dual sides without snagging one end. A solo can multiply into a duo when it comes to affection, but cannot times into a trio.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello. I don't normally read romance fiction, often because I find it's too grounded in reality, which I often find boring. That being the case, this may not be the best piece for me to review, but I just had to read something that prides itself on being "on monogamy".
Okay, so there were a few noticeable spelling/grammar errors and the like which I'm sure you could find if you went back over it. That minor stuff aside, I'll comment on my specialty, which is the actual plot.
This being a short story (at least I think so. "Prelude" would seem to indicate it's a beginning, but I see no other parts and the story seems to have an ending), I think it's not the proper format to get across what you want to say. Being a romance piece, the characters and their relationships are extremely important, and a short story is almost never long enough to get one (or at least me) connected to the characters. As James Cameron once said, romance is the number one key to the viewer's (or in this case reader's) emotional investment in the story. What you simply need, then, is a longer story.
However, I don't know if this idea could really carry well in a full length novel, not unless you introduced other ideas. As is, I'd say you'd want to expand this into a novella. I really like the idea you want to talk about, but, how should I say this?
You want to stress the importance of monogamy, but in the love triangle you've alluded to here between William, Scott, and Carah seems entirely in the past and devoid of conflict. Carah has already chosen William by the time the story even starts, and when this Scott guy shows up halfway through and we learn he likes Carah, there is a vague reference to her once having to have chosen between the two of them.
The problem is that the reader wants to see this conflict themselves. It's almost like this is some kind of epilogue to a book that was never written. Your conflict is entirely in the past, and you need to shift the focus onto it to make the story interesting. Not only that, but that will really help your theme. Carah says here she also loves Scott, but does she actually mean so much that she once considered having a polyamorous relationship with William and Scott? Not only would that be really interesting, it would really help your theme.
I know I must seem really critical in this review, but if it makes you feel better, I bothered to read the whole thing, which I only do if I feel the story is worth it at all. PM me if you need any more specific advice, and good luck. I'd be really interested in seeing this developed and expanded, since I myself have a great interest in monogamy.
This is good. Apart from a few grammatical mistakes, I really enjoyed this. There were times when you would end a quote with ." so and so said. It is proper to use a comma and then an end quote when you are adding "carah said" to the end. Wow, that was too complicated to type out... ha. But aside from that I thought you captured the mind of a high schooler perfectly; the way they feel around the person they like, and how they do things to impress others. Genius.
This was supposed to be a short story. Maybe I'll continue it, maybe not. I haven't really decided yet.
Oooooooooohhhhhh! Much better! I really liked this...the spelling errors and minor grammatical errors seemed to take away from the flow of the story and to be honest, were quite distracting.
Th characterisation stood out to me as pretty good this time, whereas before I almost didn't have the chance to comment on it!
Will you PM me with the next installment? Thanks very much!
Yeah. Scott is Carah's boyfriend, and they end up breaking up at the end of the story. Thank you for the critiques, I will fix them later.
Hey, thanks for critiquing my story. Just thought I'd drop by and help you out.
I think it’s “the things she does”. And since the rest is in past tense, it should be “hated”.
“..as a joke; popular, but someone you just couldn’t take seriously.”
“Will was gorgeous,…not the persona he displayed…”
“Even though he would be coming back from the locker room damp of perspiration … delighted to wrap her arms… embrace the one she was infatuated over.
You didn’t mention Will coming in.
“…intimacy…” And it sounds rather corny.
“… at such a hyperbole…”
Who is Scott?
“…soon went to a halt.”
Shouldn’t it be “Since when were you…”
“…, but now I hate him…”
“She began to feel sorrowful, though sorrow could not shift the shape of how she felt towards William Dolley. Nothing could.
I don’t understand.
“…of anxiety and relief…” I don’t think “fogged up” are the right words to use here.
“…faking a perky tone.”
Scratch the “hard”.
The semicolon should be a comma or a colon. And it should be "away from the car".
Wait... Let me get this straight. Is Scott her boyfriend or something?
It's kind of confusing. Just clear it up a little.
Hope I helped!
Cheers,
Lily.
Oh, okay. I'll try re-reading and revising it the best I can.
Hello again! Long time no see! Hehe, i kind of meant that there are a few typos throughout the piece and i think if you re read it you would maybe help yourself see it in a critiquing way yourself...
I love your style of writing but sometimes your tenses are slightly out but I know you'll know this too when you have another look...
Sorry if is makes no sense to you and please feel free to question me about it!
xxx
Yes.
[/quote]you probably need to re-read this and have a little alter...perhaps do that and then I'll come back...if i carry on now i feel like i'm patronising a talented writer and obviously i don't want to do that.it may also be a bit repetitive... give me a shout when you've had another read through and an edit ok?[/quote]
I was thinking about either that wording or "The things she does..." but I didn't think that would fit with Subject/Verb Agreement.
Hey again you!
I thought it was only fair to repay the favour!
...means to make impossible...do you mean PRELUDE?
The latter part of this sentence needs some attention..."own direction"...awkward phrasing. I had to re-read it to get the jist....
typo...dual...in first paragraph
you probably need to re-read this and have a little alter...perhaps do that and then I'll come back...if i carry on now i feel like i'm patronising a talented writer and obviously i don't want to do that.it may also be a bit repetitive... give me a shout when you've had another read through and an edit ok?