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Birdlike

by SpencerNolanRivers


I tasted the smoke, let it fill my lungs and proceeded to exhale, allowing the excess to swim in the air. Against the blue of the sky, the billowing cloud of grey resembled the sight just before a rainstorm. I relaxed my uneasy posture and slowly all began to get better. My pulse, breathing, and movements slowed and I could then appreciate the serene sight of the grassy sea flowing as the wind cooed and brushed against it with its subtle, delicate breath. In this moment, my thoughts only focused on what stood present before me. Pressing the cigarette against my lips, I knew in a few minutes time that this very feeling would dissolve just as the smoke I could not help but watch with attentive eyes with every outward breath. Tilting my head to the cloudless and empty sky, I noticed the soaring of a bird from above. Routine has been all the pitiful creature has known. Feeding, breeding, and migrating; that is the life of a bird. My cigarette was growing short, with the taste of its bitter end meeting with my tongue. I could no longer carry on with staring at the ground or looking up at the sky. I was subject to go back on track, to find productivity in tasks I held no interest for and to gain material prosperity in order to find myself with self sufficiency. I had to drop the end of the cigarette, exhaust its burning with a step of my foot, and go back to what I was eager to ignore. Before turning my back and walking away, I shot the sky another glance, wishing to spot the bird, for I then recognized that he and I were just the same. Working, breathing, and staying in line, I then understood what it was like to be a bird.


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Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:29 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi, Spencer!

This was neat. I like what you did with the metaphor of the bird. You actually had good moments in which you used bird-like vocabulary to describe things. I think I would actually love to see more of that to help describe the similarity of the MC's life. It might help further the analogy you're trying to use, and suddenly, it's even easier to relate to.

Food for thought, of course!

I'm not sure if their lives are exactly align. Actually, when I finished, I was wondering how the MC came to that conclusion. The MC didn't describe their life as repetitive and simple as a bird. Just uninteresting and wanting to escape it. After all, a bird may consider their life an excitement! So some clarification on that would be good.

Additionally, having the MC be a smoker comparing themselves to a bird who has to breathe fresh air all the time? I don't know. That felt funny to me. (I'm a non-smoker though, so I guess I see how much those contrast.)

I imagine if this is an exercise in analogies, you're definitely on the right track. It was cute and well done! :D Look forward to seeing more!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:47 pm
elfin12 wrote a review...



Hello :). Before I start reviewing, I want to say that I loved your first sentences.
I liked all of it, but it was hard to read, mainly because of the format; there were no paragraph breaks. Another thing is that although your descriptions were awesome, you should have a different variety of sentences, such as a long, descriptive sentence, and then a short one. As it is now, the reader will become bored with the story. I would put a paragraph break after this sentence:
“I relaxed my uneasy posture and slowly all began to get better.”
When you say ‘began to get better’, the reader is left wondering, how? Why? For example, you could say, “I relaxed my uneasy posture and, slowly, all of my troubles were forgotten,” or something…
Another issue: “My pulse, breathing, and movements slowed and I could then appreciate the serene sight of the grassy sea flowing as the wind cooed and brushed against it with its subtle, delicate breath.”
I suggest reading your sentences out loud. If you read this one, it’s said in one long breath; usually adding in commas helps, but in this case, you can’t really add any more. The sentence does not flow. Here, you describe the grass as a “serene sight”. If this makes sense, the sentence feels crowded with too many words at one time, in the same place :/; not giving the reader a 'serence' impression.
A small grammatical mistake: “I knew in a few minutes time…” minutes should be minutes’.
Ok, here: “Pressing the cigarette against my lips, I knew in a few minutes time that this very feeling would dissolve just as the smoke I could not help but watch with attentive eyes with every outward breath.”
I had to read it a few times, because it was really confusing. I think you should take out “with every outward breath”, or even take out “with attentive eyes” as well, if you want, because it takes the reader away from the thought about “the feeling would dissolve…”; or, the purpose behind the sentence.
I loved this sentence: “Tilting my head to the cloudless and empty sky, I noticed the soaring of a bird from above.” It was like… a breath of fresh air between all of the heavy sentences.
Another small nitpick: “My cigarette was growing short, with the taste of its bitter end meeting with my tongue.” I think it would read better if you took out ‘with’, but that’s just a personal preference. Again, try reading it out loud.
“I was subject to go back on track, to find productivity in tasks I held no interest for and to gain material prosperity in order to find myself with self sufficiency.”
I realize that a comma is not required between the last two fragments, but as each one is long, it would read better to break them up with a comma:
“…to find productivity in tasks I held no interest for, and to gain material prosperity…”
Also, ‘self sufficiency’ should be ‘self-sufficiency’.
A paragraph break would be good between these sentences: “I had to drop the end of the cigarette, exhaust its burning with a step of my foot, and go back to what I was eager to ignore. Before turning my back and walking away, I shot the sky another glance, wishing to spot the bird, for I then recognized that he and I were just the same.
That's it for now :) Good job! Sorry for tearing it apart :/




elfin12 says...


Sorry, above I meant "serene", not "serence"




"I feel like if men sent unsolicited dragon pics instead of *other* unsolicited pics they’d get a lot further in life"
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