The Stranger

by Spearhawkdude, Dreamy

Published November 3, 2013

E - Everyone Mature Content

In The Story Of Jake Parkinson.

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I used to live a life of nothing much,

Until you blessed me with your touch.

I met you when my heart was lost,

To a woman with a heart of frost.

When I was feeling down,

You brought me around.

You made me love you,

After seeing what I went through.

But you didn’t even know my name,

I thought that in your mind, I was lame.

I never knew the danger,

Of loving a stranger.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Alpha
Review
Alpha wrote a review Review · Nov 3, 2013

Heya people, I'm here to take off ma clothes and dance joking I'm here to review mwahaha.


Okay. Short poem, heavy on emotions and cliches and some forced rhyming. That's how it is... now. I'm not saying it's pt it's a bad poem, just that there's potential in it,.and you should work on it to make its true power shine through.. and God, don't do it when you're bored >.> Do it when you're serious about improving your writing abilities.
Like the imagery, for starters. There are few of them, and none of em original. You tell a lot more than you show. 'Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint on broken glass.' Try to apply that to your writing and you'll take it to a whole new level c:
The rhyming is great, but it doesn't always work, such as in:

But you don't even know my name,
I thought that in your mind, I was lame

It sounds kinda awkward, y'know? It disrupts the flow.


I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. Just keep on writing, and practicing, and reading, and you'll get there c:
Keep on writing. Cheers!
Alpha

I used a rhyming dictionary. (shhhhhh) No a few of the lines were forced but I was hoping the last line would make up for it. :P (You're an idiot Thomas) But I'm happy you liked it, because I'm never writing another one @Dreamy -_- . Seriously, I won't be writing poems for a while, I've gotten into the second chapter of my Book, and it'll be a while until I'm free. You can read the first part if you want though. :D

User avatar
Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review Review · Nov 3, 2013

Hey there Dude,

This is a wonderful poem and I don't know in what bases you said that you are not good in poems. The emotions were beautifully expressed in this. And I must say that you are very good in aligning the words. And your rhyme was so good, it didn't feel exaggerated or lacking. It was delivered good and was apt for the emotions. I really liked your rhyming. And I hope you get bored often to give such simple poems with strong emotions :P Keep up your good work and thumbs up for trying.

Keep writing!!!

Cheers!!! :D

Aha thanks. Will do.



Most things happen for a reason. Though, usually, the forces that be are immature enough that the reason is comedy.
— WeepingWisteria