I looked over the city. My city. I felt the city, and the city felt me. When a tree gets cut, I feel as if someone pinched me. They say it's in my mind. They say I need help, but I know the truth. there is much more to everything around us then we think there is.
It's been four years since the night on that roof. but the screaming, the flashes of light, the blood, and the happiness, are still fresh in my mind. That night was sloppy and careless, and I'm surprised that the police didn't find out, but maybe they are as stupid as the rest of the world, but now I have a reason. I have a purpose. I will protect the city, no matter what. If I want to do that, I will need to let out the inner dagger in myself.
I already had my protective gear on. I reloaded and put my pistols in my holsters on both my legs, strapped two jet black 'Katanas' to my back, picked up a black dagger and put it in a pouch in between my swords. It was more of a decorative piece. More of a sign. To make sure that they know who did it. That they have been stabbed.
I turned to the table , and picked up a mask from it's pedestal, it was black and funnily shaped. It only fit over my face and not over my the back of my head at all, but it had a hidden trick when paired with the caffeine pills in my pockets.
I climbed out of the window, looked down from the twelfth floor, and jumped. I held on to the ledge and kicked off. I bounced of buildings, jumped over walls, and at last I reached an apartment building. I looked for my target. I found him. Sebastian Jones. London's police commander. His death would just be the city picking up the dagger against the government. There would be much more to come yet. I jumped onto the window ledge outside his apartment kitchen. It was a fancy place, but I didn't have time to admire it. I pulled out my pistols and slipped into the kitchen. His wife was standing in the living room along with him. I shot the light bulb above their heads. By the time Sebastian found and turned on a torch and pulled out a gun, his wife was lying dead on the floor. Looking scared, Sebastian yelled, 'who's there?!?!' I dropped from the ceiling and held my gun against his head. But I wasn't about to kill him. I hit him with the butt of my gun on the back of his head. He slumped against the ground. I took out the caffeine pills from my pocket picked up aglass of water, dropped the pills in his mouth and poured the water down his mouth.
He woke up an hour later, his head spinning. I sat in the corner of the room with my back to him pretending to cry. 'uhhhhh...' he moaned.'what, who are you?' I carried on crying. He came right behind me and touched my shoulder, And then I struck. I turned around quickly and furiously. I don't know what he saw, but the pills sure worked. He went insane. He screamed and shouted and tried to rip of my mask. I kicked him away from me. He was lying on his back next to the gun he dropped when I hit him. he picked it up and tried to shoot at me. I hit it out of his hand with a katana. He still hadn't stopped screaming. He didn't know what to do, he got up and ran into his bedroom It had a window half the size of the wall. He only had one option in his mind. He jumped out of the window still screaming because of my mask. Well at least he stopped screaming.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really like this story, but what I like even more is how the narrator kind of seems like he/she is slightly insane, and I actually think you should take that and run with it. Also, it would be really awesome if the narrator was a chick. Like imagine this bad ass person who you just assume is a guy, turn out to be a katana swinging psychopathic chick! haha, anyway. Its really good and I would absolutely read further into this story. It kind of reminds me of the story I am currently writing. It is called Contract Killer. through out the story I slowly reveal how psychotic she truly is...
keep writing. I would love to hear more.
The ladies pour in later...
This sounds like this assassin could be a really cool vigilanty if he/she were good. There are some missing capitals on some words. There are also words that have been misspelled, but you know it happens all of the time.
Other than the little mistakes I would really like to read on. I hope that this assassin finds a reason to do good (please be some romance).
AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH ROMANCE? (I'll get to work on that) No when I started off this story I was at an age where things happening around the world really intrigued me. Like (just as an example) in Syria, where they had to choose whether to kill people to save people or to not take any action and let the violence and war go on.
So when I wrote this story I wanted the readers to sort of choose the lesser of two evils, and more of the story and the questions asked get answered. I have the first chapter of the story up if you want to check that out too.
Welcome to YWS!
This story is intriguing, but the tone should be more mysterious. Try describing the setting a bit more; that always helps to set the mood.
The piece could use some cleaning, like missed capitals or awkward commas and periods, but that's not so important.
Please also remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new person begins speaking.
I'm curious about the main character's motives, but I can tell you left that out intentionally, so I won't criticize you on that.
Try starting your sentences with something other than the subject. Most of the sentences start with 'I' or 'He', and it gets repetitive.
Other than that, I really like this! There's a lot of mystery going around, so I'll definitely keep reading to find out why your main character is doing what he does.
Keep it up!
Thanks a lot! I have noticed the mistakes you pointed out, and I will remember not to make the same ones again.
The next chapter is up on yws, so you can go check that out if you want.
Oh, it feels so great to be able to review works again. I am the dark one, I shall take the initiative of reviewing this wonderful work.
As I usually do, I shall point out the small mistakes you made.
"It's been four years since the night on that roof. but the screaming..."
This is incorrect. There should be a comma, in between roof and but. However I think this is what you meant to do seeing as that mistake wasn't made anywhere else. Nothing a little editing can't fix.
"He came right behind me and touched my shoulder, And then I struck."
Again a small mistake, and the last of them, too. The "and" shouldn't be capitalized. If you wanted to keep it this way, the comma must be a period.
That however is the last of the mistakes, and the story was very good. please contact me when the next part comes out. I look forward to reading it.
I personally would like to welcome you to YWS, and I hope you stay for many more stories to come.
~The dark one.
Thank you very much my lord, you would be very happy to know that the rest of the story takes a supernatural and dark twist, and I have started my work on that already. I shall pc you when I post it. Thanks a lot for checking it out.
Hello Hsarver here to review. Your story in my opinion had a great opening paragraph that had me hooked to read the rest to see what came of it. But then I got really confused by how quickly it escalated and I had a lot of questions. There seemed to be lots of things that never got answered, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Though, I felt the prequel ended in a weird spot, it seemed to just end abruptly.
But now on to what I really liked about it. Like I said I liked the intro paragraph it really hooked the reader. Secondly, I liked how you formed your character based on events that happened in the past that we don't know yet. I know I said that was confusing, but that could end up being a really neat way of piecing together the story into something awesome.
Overall it was well written and a good prequel to the story. Keep writing and send me the link to the next part when you have it up on YWS, I would love to see where this goes. Good luck.
Hey! It's Thomas here, your comment made me want to cry with happiness for some reason. :'D. About the stuff that happened in the past was actually based on a short story I wrote when I was in sixth grade, and when I started this story up I knew I had to include it in this. I planned it out so I can introduce extra characters, and reveal the story bit by bit. I will tell you when the next one comes out.