12+ Violence

The Incredible Story Of Jake Parkinson

I apologise for any grammar mistakes or anywhere where I did something wrong, I was quite tired when I wrote this. Please feel free to follow, review, and like this.

You only realise how close to death you are when a man holds a gun to your head. That’s when you realize that you have wasted your life, and everything you meant to say, to the people you loved, is all that matters, and while I stood, with my hands up a police officer pointing a pistol at my head. I realised that everything was over. All the fighting wasn’t worth it, this city would crumble in the end and I would be buried beneath it. But a part of me knew that one day, this would happen, I would make one small mistake and that would be the end of me. I turned around slowly, and he fired.

My life flashed in front of my eyes. I saw everything. And I suddenly stopped. I was a baby, sitting in the back seat of a car. A woman was sitting in the passenger seat and a man was driving. ‘Jake, you’re awake,’ my mother, said from the passenger seat. I looked around, we were driving on a thin road, with a steep slope to one side and a mountain at the other. And then I saw the helicopter swoop in above the slope. It was parallel to the road we were driving on. My parents in the front seat looked afraid. ‘No…’ whispered my father. And that was when a rocket flew out of the helicopter and hit the car. Then another and another after. All that was left of the car were a few scraps. After four more missiles the helicopter flew away. I sat in the middle of the rubble which used to be my parents and their car. But I was alive. I saw a few more years pass and I stopped again. I was a little child. Walking down an alleyway. I heard some scuffling, I looked to the right and saw a man shoot another man between the eyes. He heard me step back, onto a garbage bag. He looked at me. A 10 year old child. Staring in shock, as he pointed his gun at me. And he shot me. I ripped into a million pieces of shadow, and reintegrated. The man who shot me was floating in front of me, held by the same shadows I just exploded into. Back to the present, or maybe it was the future, it was getting confusing now. I looked down at myself, I was a monster, and I had claws instead of hands and feet. The rest of my body was engulfed in black flames, it burnt away my skin, yet it felt amazing, I touched my face and felt that my mask was still on, it had a hole in the centre of the forehead. The second I touched it, it regrew, not the metal it was made off but something harder, stronger than anything I had ever touched. And then my entire mask was, covered in the substance, I pulled at it, but it wouldn’t move, it was stuck to me, no it was part of me, and the beast I had become. I looked around at my surroundings, I was standing in the middle of a football stadium, surrounded by S.W.A.T officers, all their guns pointed at me. I looked around and roared, it was something animalistic, from inside me, something that couldn’t be contained, all but one of the men standing around me, exploded in black flames. When I laughed, my voice was deep and unfamiliar. I could feel their souls pouring into me, making me stronger, and adding to my powers. ‘This is just the beginning, tell your people to watch out’ I said, to the last man, who was shaking in fear. I later recognised him as the one who shot me. ‘And if I see you ever again, I will kill you’. He nodded, afraid. I looked up and without thinking, flew upwards, with flames propelling me in whichever direction I wished. I flew away, I flew away from where I lost myself.

I woke up back at my apartment, which I inherited after my uncle died. It wasn’t much, but I kept it clean and used it as a cover for my plans. I got out of bed, and looked down, no claws, no shadows, and no monster. It was a dream, I concluded. I got out of bed and walked to the sofa and turned the television on. A few movies, a Kanye West song, and news. A Breaking news headline screamed out at me. “Supernatural being attacks police officers at abandoned Football Stadium’ with a clip of a shadow covered beast flying through a helicopter. I stared at the screen blankly, until I realised that beast was me. The video on the TV zoomed into my face, to see my mask. I pawed at my face, just to feel the same mask on my face. I tried to pull it off but it wouldn’t come. The reporter was talking about how the death of the police commander might have had something to do with the same person who was spotted at the stadium. They spotted me by the window after he died. I knew I was stupid and I had made a huge mistake, but I would worry about that later. I had super powers, and I was going to take advantage of them. I heard a sound, and I looked to the balcony. I only saw him for a second, but that was enough to register who was staring at me. It was my Uncle, he had the same ugly sneer on his face as always. But I blinked, and he disappeared. I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me, because my uncle was dead, I myself had taken care of that, and if he’s still alive somehow, I’ll take care of that again.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
GoldFlame
Review

Hey, I don't have much to say except that I'm lovin' it!!! I guess it would be pointless to repeat previous reviewers, so I'll just comment on paragraph size. To be honest, the huge blocks of text really don't match up with the fast pace, and I began to lose interest. I've actually seen this problem echoed in a lot of YWS fics, or maybe it's a personal thing. At least separate dialogue from narrating?

Awesome work! Keep writing; I can't wait to read more of this! ~Flame

Thank you very much. :D And the next part does have more paragraphs :D

Random avatar
Bugslake
Comment

Hey this is really good. Hope to hear more.

Hullo, I.S here for some reviewin today :)
First off, i think this is EXTREMELY well done. the main character, i'll refer to them as the narrator, has super powers. They are not just run of the mill super strength, x-ray vision, speed, flight, invisibility or elemental abilities. These powers seem almost demonic in origin, turning into a giant monster with claws and a roar that drains souls, black shadows that protect and kill, and a mask which is un-removable yet seems to be the centre of it all.
Secondly, i noticed that people were saying you used too many commas, i don't think this is so. This story is being narrated in a stream of consciousness fashion, meaning the story flows much as the average mind does. it does now seem to portray clear ideas, and descriptions so much as it portrays multiple ideas, and descriptions very quickly, and somewhat vaguely, so as the leave the reader with the idea they they are inside the narrators head.
Stream of consciousness style is well known for the use of LOTS of commas, and polsysyndetons (sentences using words such as "and" repeatedly). The idea of Stream of consciousness is to make the reader understand what's going through the characters head, usually in a dreamlike quality. Since this story jumps forward in time quite a bit, i can definitely say it did so in a dreamlike fashion, the scenes melding together with shadows or vaguely related imagery.

Thanks a lot! I have already started off with the next chapter of the story, more demonicness, more swear words and LOTS of more commas. :D But I have to thank you a lot for the comments you put about the powers. Most of the work on them was my own original stuff, mixed in with some other stuff I like, so it's nice to know someone else likes them. :D

User avatar
horrendous
Review

Hey man, got a review for you. I don't normally enjoy amateur writing styles, but I sensed a lot of symbolism in yours and it kept me interested. The story is a bit fragmented and I don't understand how or why this person got super powers, but you put just enough meat on the bone to make sure i'll come back to it. Everything is a mystery here - the mask, why the protagonist's parents were killed, why the police are after him, why he killed his uncle and how he got super powers. Also, what those powers exactly are. It's a good baseline for a story, write more!

Thanks a lot. I'll keep writing and you keep reviewing. Deal? :D

User avatar
Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review · Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:27 pm

Hey there, Dreamy here to review.

I liked the way you started this story, and you need not apologize for your mistakes, because mistakes happens without our realization. Okay enough of being philosophical. To start of with, you have used too many commas which was confusing in certain places like,

And then my entire mask was, covered in the....


The comma next to "was" is not necessary. And this was the only thing that I want you to correct other than that. This was very intriguing and I can't wait to read more of this story. And I must say that you narrate well which I liked the most. Keep up your good work.

Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!! :D

Yes I did notice that but was too tired to do anything about it. XD thank you very much for reading it, I'm glad you liked it. will keep writing.

User avatar
dark
Review
dark wrote a review · Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:20 pm

I understand that you were tired and mistakes were present, so I won't comment on them.
However, the story was perfect. Short sweet and to the point. I love how you leave the story on a cliffhanger. I have no idea what this person, (I assume is Jake) is, and how he became what he is. How did he survive the missile attack when he was a baby? Why were S.W.A.T. teams after him in the first place? Why and how did he transform into the monster? Why won't the mask come off?
I love it when writers leave the reader asking questions, making them want to keep on reading. It's almost like a constant climax in the smallest novel ever. I love it. Keep it up!
~The dark one.

Thanks a lot, you make it sound like I nailed it! There will be another part coming up, but it definitely won't come up that quickly as it did with this cause it was prewritten by me. :D and don't worry, your questions will be answered some day.



If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain