Author's note: This is just some random thing I wrote up on a whim the other day, as I didn't have my laptop to work on my usual. It's unedited, everything written off the top of my head, and unfortunately unfinished.
It's not often I put my work on display in such a state, but I've been inactive lately, so I figured I would post it for review just to see what people thought about it so far. The other stuff I want to put up needs work. I've not had the time to sit and work on everything at once like I usually do, but I digress.
It will be finished at some point... just don't know when...
--------------------------
I was immediately turned off by how stale the air was. How people could live in a place like this was beyond me.
Three weeks have passed since my arrival to Merlot, the longest three weeks of my life. I grew up in a small town which had made the adjustment to city life that much more agonizing. Not a day went by where I didn't think of going home. Quitting would be easy; quitting was always easy. The unfriendly atmosphere here was enough of a nudge.
Everyone seemed to know each other. Being the new guy, maybe it was just my imagination acting up. I didn't like this place, and so I'm seeing myself as an outcast, encouragement from my subconscious, in order to feed my dissatisfaction. On the other hand, I felt so invisible when the office was filled with conversation. There never seemed to be any room for me to join in, and attempts to start my own, just to get to know people, proved impossible if someone higher up on the totem pole was in the room.
Typical office environment, I suppose, but discouraging nonetheless.
It felt fake. That's the best way I can describe it. As fake as the stale air that lingered over the whole city. It was almost suffocating, unbearable, some nights I wanted to scream.
But I can't leave. When I signed the contract, I became chained to this place for the next six months.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,035 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
This is great. You can feel the main character's emotions. Being an outcast is something I know well, (Every day at out land lunch table) so I can relate to the character. Being stuck in a place you don't want to go is terrible too. The environment of the office is well described. A place where everyone knows everyone but you.
Ah, the contract trick. Once you sign you're locked in forever. Well six months. But that can seem like forever when three weeks is enough to drive you mad. Let's hope he can make a friend soon.
For an unfinished work this is wonderful. You should definitely finish it.
-M.P. Tigers
Thanks! It will be finished (eventually)
Our protagonist will find some friends alright 
Thanks! It will be finished (eventually)
Our protagonist will find some friends alright 
I love this! I can't wait to read more.
I also write little stories in my head, so I totally understand. Before I had a laptop I would write in a notebook.
I can totally relate to the character in your story. Feeling like an outcast and not sure where I can fit it. Please right more! I will definitely check out your other stories.
Keep being amazing!
Thank you!
I did the same thing before I had a laptop, too, and now when I'm without it I have my phone. I know, it's a smartphone, but I can write so I am not complaining lol
I don't know when I'll have the time to finish this, with everything else I am working on, but I'll certainly let you know once I do.
This is a really good start! I am already looking forward to reading the rest of this. Not much to correct, but I do have a few nitpicks.
"There never seemed to be any room for me to join in, and attempts to start my own, just to get to know people, proved impossible if someone higher up on the totem pole was in the room."
This sentence was good, you just forgot to put the word 'conversation' in after "start my own..."
"It was almost suffocating, unbearable, some nights I wanted to scream."
For this sentence you might want to put in a semicolon after 'unbearable' instead of a comma so the list ends before the sentence continues.
Well, that's all there is to find at the moment, I believe, so that's done.
But, I have a feeling this is going to be a very great story!!
Keep writing!
~liveandbreathewords~
Thanks for the review!
If I'd have added another 'conversation' in that paragraph, the way I write... I dunno, it kind of would have felt redundant.
I'm hoping this will turn out alright, once I find time to finish it.
Hi.
I don't think I've ready many unfinished works before. XD
But I like this one it has a certain charm about it. I think it's the way you write.
There's a strong voice present in this work, the narrator's, very interesting and easy to relate to, so I found that made for enjoyable reading.
I'm interested to see where this story is going next for the character. Also, you have a better introduction to the setting as opposed to the character. In characteristic terms, there is no image of what the people in your story look like. That makes it hard to visualise and the reader has to do the hard work. D:
The bit where you say: "being the new guy..." would be the perfect opportunity to insert a description of what this 'new guy' looks like.
Just some thoughts.
Keep writing XD
Thanks for the review!
I will definitely be fleshing out descriptions, and adding a bit more to the introduction, when I find time to finish it.
I'm glad you find my writing to be charming.