Author's note:
Been awhile since I've published something on here. I figured I might as well put up something I just kind of wrote off the top of my head one day.
I'm not looking for anything particular in critiques, but feedback would be awesome!
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Darkness.
There was nothing here but darkness. An endless abyss that was swallowing him whole, becoming one with him.
He was fine. There was something about it that was comforting. Everything stood still, and he felt like he was floating. He didn’t need to have a thought in his head. His thoughts, too, were being swallowed by this abyss, and all that remained was this strange unintelligible whispering. Eventually, that was tuned out and he just focused on nothing.
It wouldn’t be long now. He would no longer even be aware of this strange place. It was for the best, it wasn’t like he was meant to stay here to begin with. It was a shame. He would have loved to have stayed here in this bliss.
Free.
But no matter how much he tried to block it out, a single thought made its way to the surface. Every time this happened, the darkness would do everything in its power to shove it back down but to no avail. This thought was apparently a strong one. The resistance it showed to being eliminated was incredible –he must have had some pretty strong emotions in relation to this thought.
A woman. There was a woman. She was smiling at him; such a beautiful smile she had. He didn’t remember where he had seen her before, but she was important.
Something shifted suddenly, and the darkness began to waver. The feeling of bliss suddenly became something that was restraining him, refusing to let go. The more the thought fought to get his attention, the more the abyss latched on. By this point it was completely uncomfortable. It was as if the abyss knew it was fighting a losing battle, and he would no longer be in its hold.
That moment happened sooner than even he had thought.
The woman’s face came into view, shining a light within the darkness. She continued to smile at him. She reached her hand out. He instinctively took hold.
The darkness was gone the moment their fingers touched. Everything, though blurry at first, faded back into view. He was still groggy but he was aware of his surroundings; he appeared to be in a hospital bed. His head was pounding and his body ached all over. The bliss had faded along with the darkness.
A single thought, the woman, surfaced in his mind again. He knew where she was now.
“Maria… where is Maria…” His voice was panicked. He turned his head to look around, and saw there, in the bed next to him, though her features mangled and covered by stained bandages, was a woman matching the description of the one he saw in that darkness.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day! I'm surprised that not many people reviewed this work earlier in the day, smaller works go first. I think it might be because there's nothing to review. Of course, it has content, but there's hardly anything wrong with it! You should publish on here more often, I'd love to read more writing by you.
At first I thought this was a fantasy piece, but then I realised he was in the halfway point between life and death. You wrote it so well, right down to the little details such as the whispers. I like how you described that the darkness was comforting. Even when a person is alive, being in darkness is quite calming.
I'm wondering if you'd consider writing from Maria's point of view? I'd like to know if she stays in the abyss and perishes, or if she comes back.
Wow, I'm so glad that people are enjoying this! Thanks so much
I have thought of writing something in Maria's point of view, or even something like an entire story leading up to why the characters are in the hospital. I haven't decided yet.
Hello!
I seriously can't find anything to correct in this. It was pretty cool to read. The description was pretty good on basically every sentence you wrote. The last few paragraphs really hooked us in. We want to know why he's in the hospital and why he's dreaming of this woman who's also injured. Great start! Wasn't the longest, but it was awesome nonetheless.
Keep on writing! Can't wait to read more of your work!
~Owl