"Listen. I can't. I don't have much time."
Ellie vomited. Reeking everything and everyone. Warm spit dribbled from her lip, it felt so good.
"Ellie. Listen. You're going to die. You have to leave. Or die, it's your choice."
Ellie began to cry, slow soundly sobs.
"Ellie, stop, shh shh, Ellie please stop. Ellie."
There was slow gushy footsteps outside. The water men were coming. Jacob knew it.
"Ellie please! Ellie, ple-e-ease" Jacob began to break down slowly. Hot tensity swarmed at the back of his cheeks. He too began to feel the effects of the gas and knelt down by his sisters hands. "Ellie, shh." As his eyes began to tilt back into his head, an effect of the nerves, an effect of the slow sleep dusking upon him, he began to think about his parents all they way past the tunnel. On the other side, safe. Maybe they were leaving, he would never know.
He- maybe the water men were good? Maybe they were undercover, like back in they days at the tree. Reading stories with Ellie. Pointing at the good men, the bad men. He- they were going to help him. Help him, leave Ellie. It would be easier without her anyways. He squeezed her hand at the thought of it, and laid down slowly beside her. His cheek pressing against the sickly wet cold. The ground water on the concrete tasted of salt, and magnesium. What was- magnesium? He had read about it briefly in a book back at the tree. It was an element. He stuck out his tongue, he wanted to lick Ellie's hand. Nauseating. Just to be closer to her before they went away. With the last of his lightness he came close and pressed his mouth next to the back of her hand. She tasted good. She tasted like home. But the cool coarseness of her skin particles, sewn with mere atoms told him that whatever laid between the stitches was now vacant of Ellie.
There were no more sounds of the water men. It was silent outside. The gas had cleared. His head felt light once again. He stood up much faster than expected and immediately felt a pit drop in his stomach.
He clutched his bruised and bloodied knuckles to his soft, as he stared at the metal rounded door, light piercing greenly from the outside and realized, he would have to keep walking. Alone.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Sothisonekidwrites,
This is a really interesting short story. I hope you expand it into a larger short story or a full blown novel. I want to know what the water people are, are they people made of water, people who breath water, or just live by or in the water as opposed to the tree. Is the tree a learning place like school or a village. So many unanswered questions that I would love to find out.
You are a great writer, the detail of Jacob's thoughts and how they keep cutting out and changing are interesting. If you ever decide to make this into a novel I would love to read it.
I especially love how you indirectly describe Ellie's death. Saying her skin was vacant of her is powerful, and how he would have to keep walking alone.
I agree with Chaser that the line about vomit reeking everything and everyone should be changed. Reeking is attributed to smell and also can you say everyone if they are the only two in the room.
Overall I love the story though. Keep writing amazing stuff like this.
-Incohesive Scribbles
A review...
So, this is an interesting short story. I especially enjoyed Jacob's idle thoughts as his brain begins to warp from the gas. But anyway, I'll just pick through a few odd spots I found.
"Reeking everything and everyone." I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here.
"Ellie began to cry, slow soundly sobs." Soundly is an adverb, and I think you need an adjective here.
"There was slow, gushy footsteps outside." Self-explanatory. Were.
That's all I found; there may be more. But you've done a good job.
-Chaser
Very interesting short. The feel of it was well built up, and the separation from Ellie truly made me feel how much Jacob cared for her. The thing about magnesium was interesting as well. Perhaps the watermen, if they are a type of corrupted overlords or dystopian leader, made people unable to learn such things after those days at the tree? Regardless, I enjoyed reading, and suggest that you maybe expand this short into a larger story, because I believe you have enough here to display maybe the life of Jacob following this, or maybe the life before ellie died. Good short, and I hope this review helps.