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by SnowGhost



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494 Reviews


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Sun Oct 28, 2018 7:05 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey! Happy Review Day and happy experimenting with new writing formats! C:

Seriously, experimenting writing new and different things is what grows us as writers! Even if you decide you don't like writing prose, and go back to mostly writing poetry, you'll still have learnt a TON by trying out prose. I write poetry for this reason; it helps my prose immensely. And it's also fun. :P

I really liked your main character! At first I thought he was kinda- run of the mill, fancy prince-charming type, BUT the dude is a serious gentleman and he's got some spark about him that makes me want to read on. And that is REALLY good because I personally believe that it's the characters that make a story, not the plot or whatever.

and proceeded to detach the shaft from the arrowhead so I could pull it out.


Fun fact about me: I'm a HUGE first aid nerd. So sometimes I like to go on tangents in reviews about first aid- this might be one; fair warning. ;) So basically, I know in medieval/historical type media the characters are always eager to remove the arrow. BUT I feel like that is a very bad thing to do if you don't have the right equipment- yes, I know your character has some supplies and is obviously fairly used to patching people up. But, something like an arrow in you is not something you want to be removing in the middle of a nowhere. The biggest reason this doesn't really works is because it's actually usually more dangerous to remove something that's embedded in someone then leave it because the thing that's embedded usually does a brilliant job of putting pressure on the wound- because it's stuck in there. And so when you remove it, suddenly you have a major bleed to deal which can be very difficult to control if you don't know how- and even if you do know how! Also, something that really does not help bleeding stop, is when someone moves around. So the fact that they're in the middle of the woods makes it not a good time to take out the arrow because she's either going to have to walk out of there, or ride out of there, and both options require a fair amount of moving. Horses are quite bouncy rides! SO my vote is leave the arrow in until there's a physician! Note that that might change based on the location and such. For example if they're in a war zone, then they might not have the option of waiting for a doctor to do it.

I proceeded to softly shake her.


I feel like if she didn't wake up to him pulling an arrow out of her (something that's lodged in a place that's not supposed to have things lodged, coming out, is going to be one; hard to pull out, and two; incredibly painful. So if she doesn't wake up to that, she's not going to wake up to him softly shaking her! I don't think so anyways. c:

I thought she would be more comfortable my walking alongside the horse instead of being up there with her.


SUCH a gentleman. Seriously. You never ever hear in stories how the guy simple walks instead of hopping on the horse two! So I really really like this! I think it really shows us a glimpse into what kind of character hey really is- and I love it!

interrupted by a series of cruel sounding coughs.


Now I really want to know what a cruel cough sounds like! O: It's an interesting idea, but it's something that I don't thiiiiiink a lot of people would be able to pull from their mind what that might sound like, so I don't know. Just thought I'd mention that in case you weren't aware that people might not really know what that would sound like.

Anyways, overall I'm very intrigued by this story! Keep it up! I'd like to see more stories by you around!

-Holysocks




SnowGhost says...


Thank you so much for the review. And I REALLY appreciate your input on the whole arrow thing. Like I know next to nothing about that and when I tried to research about it I couldn't really find anything. Thanks a ton :)



SnowGhost says...


Like seriously, thanks so much



Holysocks says...


You're very welcome! C: I LOVE a good excuse to talk about first aid! And yeah those things can be tough to find online sadly.



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Sat Oct 13, 2018 6:56 pm
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OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi there! I’m a tad rusty at this, so bear with me.

Things I liked;

I enjoyed your sentence openers. There was a lot of variation.

I liked your hints about the woman being more frightened if he had worn his hood down. This has intrigued me into what all the fuss is about!

I like that you mentioned that he doesn’t trust her yet either. But I also like that you’ve let us know a bit about your MC that he’s willing to help anyway. He’s interesting.

Things I think you could improve;

The sudden appearance of the river doesn’t quite work for me. You could describe the river first. By describing the river first as beautiful, peaceful etc. Drag us into a sense of serenity & then BAM. Floating body. It jars the perfection perfectly.

Example;

“My hood had fallen back long ago. For once it didn’t matter, for not a soul could see me riding as fast as I was. Few people were that stupid to be out in this part of the woods anyway.

I sped, carefree, alongside the winding river. The water’s surface glittered in the morning sun and the sound of water sloshed and splashed on its way as if it was daring me for a race.

I was just resisting the urge to raise both arms in the air when my thoughts were interrupted, and something stole my attention. There was a body in the water.”

Or something along those lines.

I feel as though the woman would be a little more suspicious/outright terrified of her rescuer if she can’t remember anything. How does she know that he didn’t do this to her? I would be pretty frightened if I couldn’t even remember my own name and there was a hooded figure in front of me. Her fear could also help you build some more tension.

Overall;

I really enjoyed it! I definitely think you should feel confident in doing this kind of writing. It has real potential. It doesn’t feel unnatural…it flows nicely whilst giving the reader lots of unanswered questions which make me want to read on.

Good luck! Keep Writing! Olive <3




SnowGhost says...


Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it! And you're definitely right about adding more details about the river. XD



SnowGhost says...


Oh and also, you're right, the woman should be a little more scared. But part of the reason why I didn't write her freaking out is because her character is calm and very sensible, as well as brave and not intimidated easily. And about her thinking the man had attacked her. If he had done that then why did he bandage her and wake her up? He wouldn't have known she would lose her memory too. She would have woken up and recognized her attacker.



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Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:39 pm
FireSpyGirl says...



Hi there!

This is really good! I would just add some details and elaborate on some things.




SnowGhost says...


Well I'm just scared of over detailing because I've seen a lot of people make that mistake, and when I try to avoid it, I sometimes end up with not enough details.
Also some things are left without much information because they are things you're supposed to find out later in the story. Thanks for reading %uD83D%uDE0A



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162 Reviews


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Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:39 pm
FireSpyGirl says...



Hi there!

This is really good! I would just add some details and elaborate on some things.





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