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The Goblin Of Darkness, Chapter 4

by SarcasticSpringRoll


“Oh Caleb don’t be so childish” said Kaylee

“But it really was right there and I am a child!” said Caleb with fear

“What was really there?”

“There was this purple cloud thing in the water and it scared me!”

“Oh just get up here from off the side of the lake and settle down!” so Kaylee walked down to the lake side, then she kneeled down and moved her thick black hear out of her face and cupped her hands to get a drink, but then came the purple cloud from under the water!

“WOW!” yelled Kaylee as soon as she sow the cloud she backed up and almost fell over,

“Now do you know what I am talking about Kaylee!”

“Ya ok we’d better tell Madison and the others”

“Ok let’s go!” so they started for the forest. But back at the forest Madison walked further in, Jason went around and hugged every tree that was not burnt

“Jason stop hugging tree’s” said Ethan

“You did not stop hugging Madison on her 6th birthday so I will not stop hugging these tree’s!”

“Ok fear enough” said Ethan walking up to Madison

“Hey Madison or you ok? you have not talked for a wail now” Ethan asked

“This is just, what, what happened here?”

“I am not shore Madison but don’t worry I think they will grow back”

“But Ethan the trees are bleeding! That does not just happen by nature!”

“Hey guy’s you should see this” yelled Jason from all the way over on the other side of the forest

“Jason how did you get all the way over here” asked Ethan

“well I sow a big tree to hug then I sow this”

“oh no!” said Madison.


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13 Reviews


Points: 370
Reviews: 13

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Sat Aug 27, 2016 1:29 pm
SmokeScreen wrote a review...



ok so this has to be one of my FAVPRITE chapters by u, it is really good! the beginning was just a bite scratchy but it was still awesome! I like how Jason would not stop hugging tree's LOL till he found something, I REALLY WANT TO NO WHAT THAT SOMYHING IS!!! LOLOL but now comes the things that u should probably consider fixing, and I am not trying to be mean, I am just trying to help u :) as a friend, ok so something that I thought was awesome is wen Madison said to Ethan "But Ethan the trees are bleeding that does not h=just happen by nature" that is awesome but how I would say it is, "But Ethan the trees ae bleeding, that does not happen by nature" that would be a little bit better, sins there are no of these ! in that sentence and these , are ware they are sopped to be, but your story is really good! I can not wheat to reed more :)




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Sun Jul 31, 2016 12:06 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here. :D

I haven't had the time to read through the rest of the story, as a disclaimer. As Cello has already covered grammar, I'll focus more on style.

“Oh Caleb don’t be so childish even though you or a child, but just stop” said Kaylee

I don't think Kaylee needs to point out that Caleb is a child. If anything, Caleb can bring that up himself.
"Stop being so childish, Caleb."
"But I am a child."
Also, instead of saying "just stop," specify what it is that Kaylee wants him to stop doing, or just omit that and let Caleb defend himself, thus showing what it is.
“Oh just get up here from off the side of the lake and settle down!” so Kaylee walked down to the lake side, then she kneeled down and moved her thick black hear out of her face and cupped her hands to get a drink, but then came the purple cloud from under the water!

“WOW!” yelled Kaylee as soon as she sow the cloud she backed up and almost fell over,

You don't have to explain the exact process Caleb needs to follow in Kaylee's dialogue. "Get up here!" gets the point across, and doesn't clog up your writing so much. Also, "WOW!" wouldn't be my first reaction to a strange purple cloud. Maybe a moment of silence due to shock?
“Now do you know what I am talking about Kaylee!”

“Ya ok we’d better tell Madison and the others”

The reader probably has already connected the two, so this line from Caleb just feels artificial. Also, saying both "Ya/yes" and "ok" is a tad redundant.
[/quote]“Ok let’s go!” so they started for the forest. But back at the forest Madison walked further in, Jason went around and hugged every tree that was not burnt

“Jason stop hugging tree’s” said Ethan

“You did not stop hugging Madison on her 6th birthday so I will not stop hugging these tree’s!”

“Ok fear enough” said Ethan walking up to Madison[/quote]
This transition is abrupt, and the scene is really confusing. Why is he hugging the trees? What does his point about Madison's birthday have to do with anything?
Also, "fear," the emotion of being scared, is quite different from "fair."
“But Ethan the trees are bleeding! That does not just happen by nature!”

If the trees are bleeding, and Jason's been hugging them, why wasn't this mentioned earlier in the chapter when he was hugging them?
“Hey guy’s you should see this” yelled Jason from all the way over on the other side of the forest

“Jason how did you get all the way over here” asked Ethan

“well I sow a big tree to hug then I sow this”

What exactly is "this"? Also, "sow" has to do with farming and plants, and "saw" is the past tense of "to see."

Overall, it feels a bit disjointed and not long enough to focus on the meat of the story. We only got one sentence about the whole issue of the trees bleeding. It really needs to be expanded. Keep writing!




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Tue Jul 26, 2016 8:29 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



'Ello, it's Cello!
I'd like to offer a late welcome to the site! I hope you're enjoying it here!

I haven't read the previous chapters of this story so I can't comment on plot of character development but I would like to focus for a moment on some basic punctuation rules.
First let's look at how we use punctuation in dialogue. You never end a quote with a period if it's followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she called, etc) but you can use exclamation points and question marks. In place of this period, you must use a comma, as you have to have some sort of punctuation at the end of a sentence.

"She looks hurt. Should I ask if she needs help?" he said.
"I can't believe this. You're being ridiculous!" Ellie shouted.
"Wow, he's so cute. I really want that puppy," the girl noted.

Although you can have periods in dialogue, you can't have them ending dialogue if a dialogue tag follows the quote. Don't forget to put a period after the dialogue tag though.
But what if there isn't a dialogue tag? What if we follow the quote with an action or with nothing at all? Then it's a great time to use periods!

"It's such a strange thing. Sometimes we use commas and sometimes we use periods." She leaned back from her computer, proudly examining her work.

Focusing more on story telling now, I'd like to suggest that you add more detail and emotion into your work. When Kaylee first sees the purple cloud, what emotions does she feel? Does this bring any physical changes? Did it make her nervous? Did it put her stomach in knots? There's a lot you could say. The more detail you add, the more the reader can relate to what you're writing and the more the reader can enjoy your work.
It's also important to put description of the environment in which you place the characters. Hows the weather? What do they see? What do they feel? Do they smell anything worth nothing? Do they taste or feel anything? Little details engage the readers senses and help to keep the story interesting and exciting. It brings the reader into the adventure, making the novel as a whole more enjoyable.
Now for a few minor spelling errors!

Ya ok we’d better tell Madison and the others

'Ya' is a form of 'you' when a character speaks with a sort of accent. I think you're going for 'yeah' here. Also, some commas are needed. 'Yeah, okay, we'd better...'

Jason stop hugging tree’s

Apostrophes are used when speaking possessively. 'The cat's food'. When you're using 's' to show multiple things, there's no apostrophe. 'The cats are sleeping outside'. 'tree's' should be 'trees'.
(You do this again later in the story too. Keep a close eye on this.)

Madison on her 6th birthday

Unless the story is quoting writing, usually '6th' is written out as 'sixth'. (by quoting writing I mean something along the lines of "The sign read 'Ranked 6th best cake in the country!'.")

Ok fear enough

'Fear' should be 'fair'.

Hey Madison or you ok? you have not talked for a wail now

'Or' to 'are'
'ok' to 'okay'
'wail' to 'while'
Capitalize 'you' in the second sentence.

well I sow a big tree to hug then I sow this

'sow' to 'saw'

Keep up the writing! Let me know if anything didn't make sense!

~ChocolateCello




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Tue Jul 26, 2016 8:11 pm
CallaRose says...



Hey!!
I love this story, the characters and the world, and I only have one request.

Could we have some more discriptions? There are some, and there's what the characters are doing, and how they speak, but tell us some more about the world, what it looks smells and sounds like, and it will be perfect.

Calla xx






ok great idea but i cant do that now i am too fore in the book but in my next book i will!




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