Crawling from the depths of my stomach,
these feelings seep into my heart.
Taking me by surprise like a bullet,
causing me to bleed with this new art.
They whisper gently,
“let us in.”
This loss of control makes me shake
because I know I’ve never felt this before.
Remembering past loves, my mistakes,
hoping these feelings are my cure.
They whisper gently,
“let us in.”
The fear of being broken overwhelms,
as you easily consume me.
This girl, me, I am no one special
yet you lift my chin, you disagree.
You whisper gently,
“let me in.”
And
so,
I
do.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Love it, love it, love it!!
ew
romance
amazing.
Lol.
Hey darlin im here for a review.
I like it a lot baby.
Just so you review my poem non biased imma do yours that way to so mistakes watch out!
I love the whole 1st stanza I told you this. My favorite lines are
"Taking me by surprise like a bullet,
causing me to bleed with this new art."
"This loss of control makes me shake
because I know I've never felt this before.
Remembering past loves, my mistakes,
hoping these feelings are my cure." I like how shake flows with mistakes. You forgot a
comma after shake though. I hope I can help you
too baby!
"The fear of being broken overwhelms,
as you easily consume me.
This girl, me, I am no one special
yet you lift my chin, you disagree."
I like the underlying feeling in this stanza as you seem to want to be consumed but you are wary of how fast is happening. You always say you aren't special or pretty.....It's always wrong I hate that line <.< . I wil always lift your chine and whispers sweet things in your ear darlin.
Over all except the one line I loved the poem. I like the repeating style a lot and you have great flow. My flow is best flow though but i'll give you some tips baby
You made so many typos in this. ;P
I just don't feel like I am! Well, now I'm starting to because of you. Good. You butter, baby.
OMG guess what?
....
Shaddup! Soooooooo cocky. lol
Thank you for the review, baby! I'm glad you liked it.
Hi SlushySlapped, I just can't past without giving a little 'gift' in your poem.
I noticed there is a rhyme in this part. So I try to make connection between diction you use.
So I think you make it good with this part! Especially among the heart-bullet(glad you not use arrow here)-bleed.
My favorite lines!
This part may be different in every point of views. Why they/us not you/me? Is it too much feelings(mixed)?
I think the poem structure is unique as a free verse poem. It is simple but still convincing! Good job, keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.
p/s: Kinda jealous with both of you -_-..
Hola DW! Well, the 'they' is the feelings whispering and encouraging me to give into those feelings, trust them. Thanks for your review!
P/s: Awwh. Why?! haha :O
Hello my lovely. <3 thought I'd give a review than just respond to the PM!
These two lines run into eachother, but my natural way of reading them is to read them separate. Try adding a comma, they're already spaced by the line brake, but I don't know where to stop reading.
That's my only nit-pick!
On content, you know I love it. You somehow mixed eerirness with romance and I commend you for it!
Hope you guys have a long and happy time together. <3
Oopsies this is a review admin people.
I fixed that! Thank you for the review my Squishy! I'm glad you liked it!
Thank you my dear! <3
There's a great softness to this poem that draws you in. I really like it all the way around.
So, I noticed you needed a comma after You need commas around "like a bullet".
On all of the lines that say "let" in a quotation, they need to be capitalized. However, since it's consistently lower case, it isn't too big of an issue. You also need a comma after "I am no one special" or a period, then the "yet" that follows that should be capitalized. There might be a few more technical errors so just go through them.
Now getting to the actual poem. It was deep, it was sincere, and it made you feel something. All good poems should do that. I love it! Keep up the good work.
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it!
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR. Happy Review Day!!!!:)
So, I liked this a lot. Having the recurring lines of "They whisper let us in . . . " is really a nice touch. I generally like poems that have recurring lines, and this poem is no exception. Also, the four last words, each in a separate line, is once again a perfect touch. But I feel like your second-to-last paragraph doesn't flow well. It seems forced and I don't even see any rhyming. consider revising it .Besides that though, I enjoyed this. It was really well written and a pretty poem.
Keep it up!
Thanks for the awesome review and I'm glad you liked it!
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day.
Technical:
I feel like you need a comma at the end of that first line.
Having that last stanza as one word per line was really head-jerky. I was like "One word. *ding!* Another word. *ding!* Third word. *ding!* Last word. *ding! click* Ope, it's over." [read that with the old school typewriter noises].
Also, the ending was really abrupt. It was just like "Okay, go on. Oh, you're not going to. But! Aw..."
Content:
That was a really strong "been there, done that" feeling I got from reading this poem. I've been there before, and you definitely captured the emotion of hating your emotions while thinking they're the solution to your pain and giving in to the emotions. Very good job.
Hope this helps!
Ah. The comma after mistakes does make more sense. Hahaha. I was just trying something out. I was wondering what people were going to say about the words separated like that. But people seem to like it! Thanks for the awesome review!
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
First off, let me say that I really enjoy this poem. I'm not really into poetry (I like stories and novels much more), but you grabbed my attention with this piece. I think your flow and the way you've written this is great. My favorite part is this:
I like the way you repeat it throughout the poem. Repetition is good in poetry, right? Just kidding, I know it is. But anyway, these two lines are a great way to pull the reader in. They look for that repetition throughout the poem ad it gives them a sort of knowing of the rest of the poem; they'll know that those two lines are coming. Another thing I like about this part is that it has a few different meanings to me. On one hand, it seems sweet and loving, like a lover calling to another. But on the other hand, it seems a bit creepy too, like someone you can't see calling out to you in the night. I don't know, just something I noticed.
Overall I really like this poem. Have I said that enough times already? I don't think so. The last stanza is my favorite. Having one word on each line is cool. It really puts the emphasis on each of the words. It's quite powerful. Good job with this poem.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the awesome review and I'm glad you liked it!