You couldn't be saved, from the embers that razed at your presence
The smoke clouded your vision as your flesh tore from the searing heat
Your blistered fingers couldn't grab the light, though you desperately tried
You couldn't be saved
The worst wasn't over, as your bones told of extreme suffering while the ashes washed them all away
The columns collapsed, forever burying you with regrets and miseries
You watched as karma orchestrated your incineration
You couldn't be saved
You knew this was to happen, you knew the danger from playing with fire
You carelessly missed a spark, a tiny marvel that would seal your doom
Redemption slipped away from your blind desires
You couldn't be saved
You stay clinging to this madness
Hoping it's all but a sweaty nightmare
Bu your evil burned your dreams so long ago
You couldn't be saved
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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
As a smoker who is trying to quit I went into this poem thinking 'here we go, some preacher trying to tell people the harms of smoking.'
I was really surprised that you didn't go all preachy. Instead to choose a scare tactic almost.
This line alone is enough to scare smokers. It reminds us that by choosing a deadly habit we are speeding up the inevitable.
I loved the first stanza:
Again you went for a scare factor. Some of your lines here I could see in a horror novel. 'flesh tore' was enough to send me shivering.
Happy writing!
Thank you for the review.
I'd be a hypocrite if I tried preaching about something I'd have trouble doing.
Hope to see more of your reviews in my latest posts.
The fact that you didn't preach makes the poem all that more great
Hey there Navarro! Alex here to review this poem!
I enjoyed reading this! I like how you tackled an issue with very nice imagery! I liked how you repeated at the end of each stanza "You couldn't be saved" to emphasize your point!
My favourite line was:
I found the image this made quite effective and interested and even a bit sickening.
One thing that could be changed is your varying line orders. I think long lines really work in this poem but the last stanza was quite small. Maybe increasing the line size to match the rest of the poem? Not nessercary, but in my opinion could work!
Overall, very nice poem! Not much wrong with it!
Hello, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you for your suggestions and I hope I'll be seeing more of your reviews on my latest posts.
Hello! I enjoyed this poem. The descriptions of the fire and of the character's pain are very strong, and they do a good job of showing what the character is seeing and feeling.
I like that the poem hints at the cause of the character's pain, but doesn't directly say it.
I especially like these lines. They give insight as to what is happening to the character, and the word choice gives them power.
My main suggestion is to make the descriptions clearer. Some of the wording is vague and doesn't give an idea of what was being described, which takes away from the poem's focus.
There are a few small things that could be changed.
The comma after saved can be removed. Also, the phrase "razed at your presence" sounds strange to me. A different description might make this part stronger.
This line is longer than the rest, and it gets in the way of the flow. Perhaps it could be reworded so that the descriptions are more direct.
I like the poem, and I only have those small suggestions. Keep writing!
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
It means a lot to me, since its the first time I ever shared my writings online.
I will take your suggestions and keep writing.
Oh, oh, oh my. SUCH A WONDERFUL POEM!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!
I was so hooked, I wish it didn't have to end...
The only mistake was that you forgot to put a 'T' in but on the second to last line but the evilness and sadistic nature of this truly vile (in a good way) poem overlooks that completely!! I thought I could write evil poetry but this, this is just dark! Just like me... <3 Hahah! From one dark one to another, I say: Keep it going, please. I can't wait to read more works like this by you!!
(Just don't steal my job as the evil being of YWS okay? Because I think if you tried you would. Thanks)
~The dark one
Hello, thank you for the energetic review!
I hope to see more of your reviews in my next posts, I'm glad I have someone to share the dark side with hehehe
I think were all unique though and I would never try to steal your place.