She Held A Flame in her Hand

Hello!
Let's take this stanza by stanza.

First, why the ampersands? They make me wonder if I'm supposed to say "and" between ever stanza. If they're just there to look pretty, I suggest changing them to something that doesn't mean anything in the literary world, ♫ ☼ ○ ◘ whatever.

First stanza: seems redundant. Could be summed up in "She has a flame in her hand and her heart" but you take a whole stanza to say that. It's not a very strong start.

Second stanza: reads pretty cliche. Also, I don't like your use of the word "the" in referring to her home. You should say "her" instead.

Third:
Your first line strikes me as really passive. I don't usually care about that in poetry, but I'm wondering, what dulled the flame? Also, in my opinion, blood is super cliche. I try to avoid it when possible. I like that she's getting rid of it with good deeds though.

Fourth:
Blah. This is cliche to me too. "Oh she's so strong."

Okay, I'm going to stop reviewing stanza by stanza now, because I have pretty much the same thing to say about every stanza. They're cliche and the symbolisms are over-used.
The story doesn't make me /feel/ anything. The penultimate stanza looks like it should really be hitting me hard in the "sad" department, but I'm just reading it like a scientist dissecting something. I'm not sure how exactly to advise you on making your words more... emotional, but I know you've got to do it. Blood and gore don't make me feel sad, they just make me feel a bit grossed out.

Also, I'm unsure as to what the metaphor you're trying to accomplish is. Unless you are literally referring to someone who was burned alive. But I don't think this is the right way to write that poem. What is the story? Who is this girl? Why should I care about her?

The language is a little too.... poetic and flowery for me? You're romanticizing death. You have a lot of images here, but they don't mean anything to me.

Also, your rhyming. I realized halfway through this that you were trying to rhyme. But it isn't working. What I thought was just an overuse of certain words was you trying to rhyme, I think. Don't. I think it's holding you back on your telling of the story, and it sticks out a lot as forced rhyme. Many of your rhymes aren't even rhymes (far and monster) or they're just the same word, which, in my opinion, does not count as a rhyme.

I don't understand the bold/italic thing going on here either. Although italics are used in some poetry, bold rarely is, and it makes your work look a bit unprofessional, in my opinion. I've seen bold used before, but even in works of people that I really admire (like some published modern poets), I just think that bold looks gimmicky.

I think this definitely needs work, but I know you can do it. You've got a lot of really good word choice here, I just think you need to manipulate it differently, squeeze some tears out of your reader, don't just shock them with blood, gore, and a poor sad girl whose flame killed her. (What does that flame mean anyway? I had no idea, even at the end of the poem.)

I hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions! Keep writing.
~fort

Hi! I really like this poem.

I agree with the reviewer below me about not understanding why it's in bold. I guess it's because it's the most important section of the poem, but I still wouldn't do it - it's just kind of a lot to put in bold. And, to use a (possibly irrelevant) comparison to prose, you wouldn't bold the climax of a short story. It should speak for itself.

Also, I'd like to know why the main character has blood on her hands. You hint at it, but I'm not really sure - was she in the army? Did she kill someone? Who and why? You don't have to put all of these in there, but you could answer a few of these questions.

I really like your rhyme scheme, by the way. In general, I think it works well.

She still scrubbed the blood off her hands,

But never got as far

As cleaning her hands completely,

For she fell at the hand of a monster.

Blackening skin revealing her plight.

~&~

She gave a small gasp soon after,

Hmmm. It's an interesting concept. A little too vague but then again, that is poetry. You have a flare for the dramatics which is very good but it's not as lyrical as it could be. There is something that does not allow it to flow correctly. Poetry is music without the instruments, try reading it like that. Other than that, it's pretty decent.

First off, THIS WAS AMAZING!! I felt like i really understood it, even though i can't relate. So, excellent job to you.
You said you wanted a mix of feedback, below is where it is!!

THINGS TO IMPROVE ON
1) i really didn't understand the point of the switching to bold type then switching back to unbolded.
2) The different events made me question the time period/setting. Be clearer on that.
3) You talked about a lot of different things and i think that is what made it kind of confusing. Be a little more chronological (i guess you could say) when writing.

NOW....


FOR THE GOOD THINGS...






THINGS DONE GREATLY
1) Even though i cannot directly relate, i felt like i could, and like i really understood.
2) (goes along with #1 ) Despite the use of "big" words, i felt like i got the overall mood/tone/theme.
3) the writitng style..

My goodness!! Your technique & writing style was AMAZING!! You hit every aspect of what makes a good poem, and i am speechless. I never thought i would read something as good as this! i am SCHOCKED!! (in a good way!!) I WOULD CONTINUE< BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!




OVERALL THIS WAS AMAZING I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT!! AMAZING!! I AM BLOWN AWAY!!! KEEP WRITING LIKE THIS!!





(and yes, you should enter this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Very interesting. I wanted to keep reading but the words stopped. It was amazing, and thrilling. I agree it does remind me of a witch burning. I always liked mythology. People in the old days were wrongly accused of being witches because they were different. This is a cool poem overall.

Hello CapitalMonday, flying from her nest to write you a review of this poem. To begin off saying, this sorta reminds me of a witch trial or something. Anyway, you have done well with the imagery (there are tons of it and I love it so much). The reader can imagine the girl being burnt by the fire or seeing the blood drip on her fingertips. This poem also seems like a conflict with herself and the world around the character in the poem (man vs. self; man vs. society).

I also enjoy how you bold the middle of the poem to emphasis that part of the poem, to show how she is caught and then thrown onto a stake then lit on fire. That part is just amazing.. Also the repetition in the italics seems like song lyrics (in a sense.)

Also how you make the girl seem evil when really she was killing someone for a task, not on accident.

Hope you enjoy this sorta review (Also hope this makes sense)
CapitalMonday

Hello CapitalMonday, flying from her nest to write you a review of this poem. To begin off saying, this sorta reminds me of a witch trial or something. Anyway, you have done well with the imagery (there are tons of it and I love it so much). The reader can imagine the girl being burnt by the fire or seeing the blood drip on her fingertips. This poem also seems like a conflict with herself and the world around the character in the poem (man vs. self; man vs. society).

I also enjoy how you bold the middle of the poem to emphasis that part of the poem, to show how she is caught and then thrown onto a stake then lit on fire. That part is just amazing.. Also the repetition in the italics seems like song lyrics (in a sense.)

Also how you make the girl seem evil when really she was killing someone for a task, not on accident.

Hope you enjoy this sorta review (Also hope this makes sense)
CapitalMonday

*first review ever, and here it is:

There is a good amount of imagery in this, as one user had said. There is definitely flow to the story, and a plot which is always a good thing. And it works.

If I would change anything, I felt that the line that intoduces a "monster" is unexpected. I was reading of an orange jumpsuit and then, off into another world. I'm not sure that thee would be any other way to transition with more than a "as a monster" metaphor.....Or, from another standpoint you would like to mention later on what happens to it/them.

You could make it almost motivational, maybe?

I don't know of that makes sense at all, :/, and feel like I'm being way too critical.

Write on amd be awesome,
Maj

*first review ever, and here it is:

There is a good amount of imagery in this, as one user had said. There is definitely flow to the story, and a plot which is always a good thing. And it works.

If I would change anything, I felt that the line that intoduces a "monster" is unexpected. I was reading of an orange jumpsuit and then, off into another world. I'm not sure that thee would be any other way to transition with more than a "as a monster" metaphor.....Or, from another standpoint you would like to mention later on what happens to it/them.

You could make it almost motivational, maybe?

I don't know of that makes sense at all, :/, and feel like I'm being way too critical.

Write on amd be awesome,
Maj

I thought this poem was great for those who understand that even main characters have to die. I never liked poems like this until now, it was so...beautiful,extravagant,creative,understandable, and many other things. I feels like it has a touch of reality in it like that person was some how a part of your family like your dad was thrown in prison and died from execution?

I thought that your poem was beautifully written. I thought your poem was unique and I was surprised a kid wrote it. I liked how I could imagine the poem too.

I thought that your poem was beautifully written. I thought your poem was unique and I was surprised a kid wrote it. I liked how I could imagine the poem too.