A Day In The Memories Of Summer

Hey, Chips here with a review.

You are actually my 100th review! celebrations aside, you have a nice poem here. You had good, vivid descriptions and your rhyme scheme worked, for the most part so good job on that.

There is always room for improvement, so I have a few suggestions to make to you, they're mainly just nitpicks.

"A golden morning, clouds go by,

A bright orange sun rose in the sky,"

I liked this beginning, but you have two different tenses here. The first line is in present tense - this is shown by the phrase "clouds go by", but in your second line you switch to past tense "sun rose". I suggest you continue on with the present tense, as it also creates more of a connection with the reader. Perhaps you could write the second line like *A bright orange sun is rising in the sky* - something along those lines.

"Bursts of flowering, shining red heat,

With only a few ways for it to be beat."

These two line are fine too, but my nitpick is with the second line again, the rhyming of "beat" doesn't sound particularly poetic so maybe using a different adjective which rhymes with "heat" or has a similar sound to it. I've also noticed you've used a lot of colors in throughout your poem, which is perfectly okay but I would have liked to see more metaphors in place of color descriptions, there are some metaphors which can allow the reader to feel a certain color in itself, but that's up to you.

"Watching the water dribble down my leg,"

The word, "dribble" sounded not too attractive in comparison to the rest of the images created in your poem. I associate "dribble" with saliva, perhaps using a different type of adjective, with the same sort of meaning?

Overall this was a lovely poem, I hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chips

Already from the first words I was drawn into this poem. I think it is beautifully written, and it gave such great details and descriptions of everything happening and all the emotions. The best part about that is you didn't make it feel like you were handing it to us on a plate. It was all put together perfectly and I think it all flowed very well.

I didn't notice many mistakes, other than the changing of tense several times. didn't notice it too much the first time I read it, but as I read through the second time it caught my attention.

Well I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I hope to read more by you!

Hey, great work here! Missing summer and not wanting it to end is a common theme for pretty much all of us on YWS right now! I only have a few suggestions.

First of all, I noticed that you change verb tense several times throughout the poem. For example, you say "clouds go by," "sun rose," "I splash in," "I was exhausted." Make sure you keep to one tense consistently. Since you seem to be leaning towards the past tense, maybe change your present tense verbs to past tense.

Secondly, I noticed you used the phrase "the sun rose" two times in quick succession. The "sun rose in the sky" and then "the sun rose higher." Maybe find a different verb than rose? Use a synonym?

I chopped the fruit of dark red sweet
Of big, ripe strawberries ready to eat.

I daresay someone is missing the summer that has come come and gone. No worries, at least it is not as if it is biannual; it will come again. I read this, and I was able to form my own picture of a peaceful summer day as well as the one you just described above. My version of a peaceful summer day is being by a restless lake surrounded by trees in all directions, with not even the slightest sound of the city. (I live in suburbia and there is not much to do outside other than yard work).

Now in terms of critique, you might want to fix your title to begin with. Did you mean to put "of" where you put "if"? If that is not the case, then I suggest tweaking your title a bit so that it sounds more grammatically correct. Other than that, I can't really find much else to say, except most poems have every other line rhyming instead of the consecutive line rhyming. I'm not sure if it is one of those things that can go either way, but you might want to read this over and decide if you want to have every other line rhyme instead. But either way, this was a decent poem.

And don't forget that autumn has its perks as well.