16+ Language Violence

The Vadovas' Secret - Prologue (The Silent Tomb)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Darkness. It enveloped her, seeming to eat into her very existence, her very being. It bothered her that she couldn’t see more than two feet in front of her. Shivering, she pulled her leather jacket closer to her body. Damn, it was cold. She knew what she was here for. Just to mourn. Just to mourn. Nothing else. But all that was easily lost in the steady dripping of rain that came from all sides.

The thought of where she was made her sick to the stomach. Hundreds, no, thousands of people had been tortured here, executed, and thrown, nameless, to rot away. The stench of sickness lay heavy in the air, and she could feel the dead’s presence in her mind.

Set me free, girl.

I’ve been here too long.

Are you going to leave me like you left your sister? Her footsteps quickened, walk turning to run, and run turning to sprint. Her footsteps echoed endlessly into the abyss that she knew lay to her sides. One misstep, and she would fall to her death. But she’d done this too many times before. This cavern, this tomb, had become a part of her. She’d come here every day since Lise had died.

Lise. Flashes of memories came back to her - Lise’s easy smile, the way her bright blonde curls bounced on her shoulders as she ran, and the rise and fall of her voice as she sang her songs. Songs of love, songs of betrayal, songs of destiny. There wasn’t a melody she couldn’t sing, nor a poem she couldn’t recite. Even now, she would sometimes throw a smile over her shoulder, only to find that her sister wasn’t there.

She had caught the disease, along with half of the population of the world. They kept it hidden for thirty days. Thirty days calling in with a cold. But the Executioners came. They tested her, took her, then killed her. Murdered the innocent little girl and threw her into this hellish place.

Life. Invisible voices around her seemed to sing, You do not belong here.

She ran the last few feet, and sank to her knees in front of a small body. Even at five years old, Lise had been the perfect girl. She stroked her sister’s hair, threading the sickly locks into her fingers. Her eyes stared lifelessly up to the sky, and her once blue irises were withering and grey.

You couldn’t save her.

You were her sister. Her death…

Your fault, your fault, your fault The girl clutched her head, rolling into a ball and nestling herself into her sister’s cold body.

I tried! She screamed in her head, for she could not make a sound if she wished to keep her life. I tried to save her! Strange clattering approached from all sides, in the near distance.

The Ghouls. The beasts were the guardians of this tomb, guarding the bodies from living souls. But they were blind, and she could easily slip away.

Go, go, go, save yourself…

Your fault, your fault, your fault… A drop of water fell onto her face, and it was soon followed by others, a torrent of water as it mixed with her own salty tears. Looking to the ceiling, she saw a stray beam of sunshine peeking through a crack in the ceiling. Hope.

Your fault, your fault, your fault… But beside that ray, a colder, darker Thing crept towards her.

“Maya.” She gasped with recognition at the voice. And from out of the gloom, a face appeared. A face that she cherished, that she had missed for so long.

“Lise?” She choked out, scrambling towards her sister. “Lise?” The Ghouls were near, she knew. Was this a hoax? No, she thought, Lise is not a hoax.

“Come, Maya.” She could see wetness on Lise’s cheeks.

Your fault, your fault, your fault….

She’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead…

Run girl. Your sister is dead. Run. The Ghouls. Run. RUN!

The girl ignored the voices and stumbled towards her sister, squinting at the brightness of the ray of light. Hope.

No, she thought, No.

“Lise?” She kept walking towards her sister, even though she could feel a part of herself being sucked away, every step forward she took

Her sister held out a hand. “Come, Maya. Come so we can be together.” The Ghouls. She couldn’t hear them anymore. Were they gone? She shook her head. Closing her eyes, the girl reached out and grasped her sister’s hand.

Pain exploded in her spine, and she collapsed. “Lise?” She gasped, looking up at her sister. But it was not her sister that stared down at her with a smile on its face.

It was a Ghoul.

—————————————————————————————————————————

“She chose her sister, Lise.” The Vadovas said, “She let the Ghouls trick her with her grief. And it cost her her life. She was an extremely talented agent. Top of her class.”

“The next day, we received a note, with the specifics.” The Vadovas said, “She’ll be back. It said at the end. But Maya Ivatury has never come back.” He stared off into the distance with dark eyes.

“Sir Vadovas?” A trainee said, shuffling his feet.

The leader flicked his hand dismissively. “Ah, never mind. Go on.”

They watched as slowly, he retreated to the back of the room and the trainees began to disperse.

Maya Ivatury has never come back.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Mageheart
Review

Hi there, Sivershade797! I'm here to review your piece. Since this is the first review you're receiving from me, I'll give you a quick rundown on how my style of reviewing works. I start off with a section where I comment on individual lines and/or paragraphs of your story, and end with a section where I give my overall thoughts on the piece. If you're not looking for reactions or nitpicks, it might be best to skip to the ending section instead. :)

Small Comments


Darkness.


I don't know if this is because it's a single word or because it's in bold, but this starting sentence made a shiver run up my spine when I read it.

Just to mourn. Just to mourn. Nothing else.


While part of me is wondering who she's mourning, the other part is me is loving your use of fragments. You seem to have a knack for using them to add emphasis and invoke emotion, and I absolutely adore that.

Flashes of memories came back to her - Lise’s easy smile, the way her bright blonde curls bounced on her shoulders as she ran, and the rise and fall of her voice as she sang her songs. Songs of love, songs of betrayal, songs of destiny. There wasn’t a melody she couldn’t sing, nor a poem she couldn’t recite. Even now, she would sometimes throw a smile over her shoulder, only to find that her sister wasn’t there.


This is absolutely beautiful. <3 I love how you describe Lise without just saying that the protagonist loved her - all of the little details mentioned really draw attention to how close the two of them were.

She had caught the disease, along with half of the population of the world. They kept it hidden for thirty days. Thirty days calling in with a cold. But the Executioners came. They tested her, took her, then killed her. Murdered the innocent little girl and threw her into this hellish place.


Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting that to be the reason for her sister's death - I was guessing it to be an accident or something else. But I like this a lot better, since it implies that this "disease" is going to be the main point of the story.

The Ghouls. The beasts were the guardians of this tomb, guarding the bodies from living souls. But they were blind, and she could easily slip away.


Interesting!

Pain exploded in her spine, and she collapsed. “Lise?” She gasped, looking up at her sister. But it was not her sister that stared down at her with a smile on its face.

It was a Ghoul.


Well, then. Something tells me that Maya isn't going to be the story's protagonist after all. :P

“She chose her sister, Lise.” The Vadovas said, “She let the Ghouls trick her with her grief. And it cost her her life. She was an extremely talented agent. Top of her class.”


Hmm...Now you have me wondering just what The Vadovas are, and what exactly Maya was an agent for. :) Something tells me it has to do with the Ghouls.

Maya Ivatury has never come back.


RIP Maya. Time to find a new protagonist. :P

Overall Comments


I'm really blown away by how incredible this opening prologue was. There's questions that I have, but they're the type of things I'm sure will be explained in future chapter. I would say you could add more to the ending section - like describing more of the area, or the people present - but that might take away from the intrigue you presented me with there.

You're great at using formatting to lure readers in - your use of italics, bold font, fragments and the way action is split up really makes the story have an impact, and something tells me that I'll be checking to see if you post anymore of this in the near future. <3 I really want to know more about the world you created, especially when you did such a great job giving me a crash course on it without using an info dump.

Awesome job on this chapter, and I'm sure you'll see me reviewing later installments in the future!

User avatar
4revgreen
Review

Hey! Che here for a review.

I'll start first by pointing out any areas I think could need a little improving :-)

Hundreds, no, thousands of people had been tortured here, executed, and thrown, nameless, to rot away.

In my opinion, I actually think this sentence would have more impact it you changed the last bit to "and thrown away to rot, nameless"

Her footsteps quickened, walk turning to run, and run turning to sprint. Her footsteps echoed endlessly into the abyss that she knew lay to her sides.

Here, you've started both sentences with "Her footsteps" which I would avoid doing. You could change the second one to "they"

I think that was all I spotted!

Woah, you have really pulled me into this little world you've created! The description was absolutely perfect, and you gave away just the right amount of information. You've kept the reader on edge by not revealing it all really quickly, but didn't leave them completely in the dark.

I'm so intrigued! I can't wait to read more. You started this off with such a bang; I'm honestly so annoyed there isn't already the next part for me to read! Would you mind tagging me in it when you've posted it?

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)

Thanks for the review, Che! Your suggestions are super helpful, and I'll definitely tag you when the next one comes out!

Thanks!
~Shade

no problem! And cheers

User avatar
Honora
Comment

This is really good! I don't have time to review this right now but I definitely will the next time I come on! It's really good! :)
Your friend,
Honora



We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind