Young Writers Society

Also, "story's" means "belonging to the story". "Stories" is the word you want.

You want an honest review? Really? You just don’t want to be coddled? You can ignore this if you want to be told how perfect this is, because that’s not what’s going to happen.

This is not a story. At best, this is a rough work of prose poetry. Exactly why you are so against that idea is beyond me, but this is not a story. As such, I will review it as a work of poetry and not a story. Why? Because a story has a specific structure that this just doesn’t meet. And yes, that does give me the freedom to say it isn’t a story, because it isn’t. You can’t sculpt a marble statue and parade around calling it a dress, now, can you?

If you want it to be a story, may I suggest the age old technique of “beginning> climax> resolution”? It’s stood the test of time as an effective story structure and is perhaps the easiest. That said, the best route for you to take would be to introduce characters instead of this little monologue you have going. Let’s say you start with Sarah actually giving you the box of treats or whatever. You’d establish a setting, your own character, and then her. Perhaps she approaches you at school or something. You’d want to let us know where you are, who you are, and who she is.

Perhaps dialogue as she gives you the gift. Dialogue always works well in a story and it cuts short the dreary and desperate soliloquy attempt you’re bound to make based on this. Let Sarah say what she wants to say. She’s such a good girlfriend? Let us see that so we can judge for ourselves. Have her say something like “I don’t expect anything in return”. That’s a brilliant segue to the climax of your story: guilt.

You feel bad. You look down at the gift. You start eating the sweets and you can’t enjoy them because you’re a horrible human being. Describe this to us. Tell us what’s going on in your mind. The room or wherever feels empty without Sarah. How do the sweets taste when guilt is coating your tongue like bile?

Then, you try to resolve the situation. You could even use what you’ve already written here by writing it down and giving it to her during math or something, or even by hunting her down at school and confessing your undying love. Your guilt is gone, Sarah still loves you. The end.
That’s how a story works. You don’t just scrawl some one-sided monologue down on a piece of paper and hope no one notices.

If you want to keep it how it is entirely, that isn’t a story. It would need to be moved from where you’ve submitted it on the website and would need to be reviewed by someone who knows poetry much better than myself. But a story it is not. Do you understand now?