Young Writers Society

Hi, Tobes!

You've an interesting piece here, definitely. In fact, the rhythm was very easily detectable just with the song. It all flowed so well! Kudos on that.

Before I start, it would be awesome to put a warning on the top of your work in the future if it has something not appropriate for younger viewers. For instance, the F-bomb qualifies as a 18+ (or R) rating. One day, the rating system will actually be functional, but for now, the warning label's our temporary idea! No worries.

So I'm having a hard time with the title. It doesn't make grammatical sense even as a fragment, so it's hurting me. xD Therefore, I can't tie it into the song.

I didn't get much of an impression about old people, though. In fact, I felt like a teenager was the speaker. I don't know what kind of old people you're talking to, but none of the ones I know would go ranting about drugs and alcohol like this song does. xD Maybe I'm missing the point. The start of the song did this very well and obviously in the sight of a more mature individual, but it kinda got a bit carried away later on.

I liked the picture you painted through the piece, though. It was a very clear image with lots of details, and it helped further the point that the "real world" is kind of stupid.

I didn't quite understand the bridge, particularly the spinning part.

But really, my only complaint is the speaker. I don't quite understand who they are and what they're trying to say. I'm hearing a lot of the same thing: "lulz they're drunk and stoned and homeless and they're future's kinda gone now lulz." Like it's meant to mock people. Isn't there any other way to strengthen the speaker's character? Give them a little more voice of an old person. I don't know how else to explain it. xD

I do find it funny that an "oldie" is the speaker of a fast-paced song.

The song was interesting overall. Not my cup of tea, but it certainly was interesting. It had some good moments while others were more like, "Where are you going with that, speaker?" I'd take a read through to make sure every line has a purpose to the song's message. No tangents!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Spoiler! :

Haha I really like this! It seems like a fun sing to listen to while in the car with your friends. The flow is nice and natural and it would sound great to some music. I think it'd be a punk song or something

Is that something you had in mind?

Pretty good song here:) You have a nice structure and beat going. Well, I imagined a loud drum beat and some cool guitars in my head.. kinda like a rock/ punk song.

There were some bits I really liked, such as the last two line in verse 4:P It was good how you related it to other context in the song (the stoner) and reminded the reader/(listner) of the beginning, while giving it a little twist.
In fact I liked all of verse 4:) and the chorus, you have a nice rhythm in it.

However I was a little bit lost in the middle as to what the message was, and who exactly your meant to be.. (an oldie?)
Personally I dont like the bridge, but they just be because I couldn't imagine a beat there.
Otherwise, I could easlily see this being a great song with the right singer and music to accompany it.

oh and I think if you have to music stop right before the last line, that would be cool. just a suggestion..