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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Heyo.. So there isn't much for me to do as the reviewers before have already done so....so I'm going to skip that...Still i will say that be a bit more careful with your punctuation.. So...I really love your poem..It's so deep...and its interesting and really engrossing....You've done a very good job i must say...
Keep writing!!
Harshita:)
Hey there Toby! Well it's been a while since my last review, but I saw your review suggestion and I came straight away! You have an interesting piece here, to say the least, however, I feel it's a bit weak. Like, your message could have been much more powerful with a few tweaks in terms of poetic devices, metaphors and such. Also, you have a few spelling/grammar errors I would like to point out.
Remember your full stop after shaking! I noticed that your next line started with a capital letter so this must have been a seperate sentence? Though I believe a hyphen could have had a better effect, here.
This stanza lacks punctuation. For example, at the end of the first line, another hyphen could be placed. Then your second line could do with a comma and maybe your thrid could just have a full stop for a sort of dramatic effect on the following line.
Right, you might say that I'm a bit obsessed with hyphens (though not as much as Emily Dickinson, that's for sure!) but you need one here after "son". Or you could use a colon but I find the hyphen more suitable for the sake of the stanza. Then you would need a sei-colon after "sprinklers". I believe the same could apply for your following stanza, as well.
Hmm, I'm not quite sure I like the repetition of "face" here. Sometimes repetition can be very effective and beautiful but I dislike it rather, in this stanza. I think it's because the poem lacks... emotion? I don't know, it lacks that 'power' good poetry gives out.
Full stop or comma? You have to choose, lol.
You spelt "remember" wrong...
Space between "eyes" and "and".
I think you could do with more descriptions - not long ones but better "tasting" words. "Tasting" as in words that are more appealing and can really grab your reader. For now, the poem seems rather plain, yet I know something great can created from this. =)
Why not check out these links if you need any tips and such for your poetry:
- This
-This too
I hope this review helped! Keep writing!
This is nice. My criticism would be that it's very obvious. You've painted a very clear picture of what you're talking about, but it gives very little room for the reader to interpret your thoughts and feelings. Personally, I think poetry can be so much more emotive by making the reader work hard to know how you're really feeling. Also, I'd try to avoid words like "happiness." They're used an awful lot. Imagine the first line as something more like...
I stand
shaking all
gone in my trying
life
drained and eaten
the devil and myself.
That's how I'd personally approach it. Don't underestimate a reader's ability to make connections between the things you write. They don't need to have their hand held.
Otherwise, it's a lovely little poem.
Hey Toby!
. 
You reviewed one for me so I thought I would return the favor
I enjoyed this very much. You used your words very wisely to make the poem sound professional. But most importantly the way you express yourself is...like you have done it before. But yeah that's about it can't really fault this because it is epic
Hey,
Nargles here and I will review your poem.
Okay, so it was good and i liked it overall but there are severalthings i which i think you should consider changing.
1) the story line needs a bit of work. I am a bit confused as to why the daughter left and what the person is regretting.
2) You have good flow in some bits for example I love
'I look back on my life
the things i've seen
the things I haven't
I regret everything'
but you should work more on sustainign the flow throughout the poem to make it an easier and nicer read.
3) also there are a few spelling errors for example "eyesand' I assume is meant to be 'eyes and'
also maybe think on rewording soem phrases. Such as "i count ten slowly, sigh' to maybe something like 'i count to ten slowly, then sigh.'
4) also the phrase "replacing and watching' puzzles me a bit. What is she replacing and rewatching?
overall I didn't mind it but I think that it could do with siome work. Good job though!!
Love Nargles xx