Hey there, Light.
Here's one of the reviews I promised a long time ago. I hope you'll learn something new from it! Since this is the last part of the chapter 1, I thought it would be better to post one giant review for all the parts of the entire chapter instead of dividing them accordingly. They're all one chapter after all. I hope you don't mind.
Don't expect nitpicks from this one though, because I'm going to get straight to the heart of the chapter's problem.
The one and only issue I have with this entire chapter (1.1-1.3) is that it's so packed with details and exposition, so much so that it becomes hard to read and comparable to a snail in terms of pacing.
I mean, imagine this: you're a high school student. You just took a mentally-draining four-hour examination, and you're barely clinging on to life as you get back home. You wake up with a migraine after catching some zzz's on the train (motion sickness, man.). You just drop all your stuff at the door, and immediately beeline to your bedroom. As you're lying down, you remember you bought a book at the bookstore last Sunday. What was its name again, you wonder. Hidden Entity, was it?
You grab the book from your bookshelf. Maybe I can read a little bit before doing my homework, you think. You're burned out after all, and you're looking for a some escape and a bit of relaxation before starting your nightly activities. As soon as you open the book, it hits you like a wrecking ball. One fat, chunky, juicy paragraph. And another one after that. And another one after that. And another one after that. I'm too tired to read, you think as you put the book away and start to drift away to sleep.
For someone who hasn't read literature in a long time like me, this would be very unwelcome. It's full of dauntingly long exposition that could be explained through things like dialogue instead (show not tell?). Take this scene of the introduction of Anam in 1.1 for example. The last four sentences just stop the plot, freeze time in its place and describe Anam in detail. Took the form of a handsome, middle-aged human. There's even a little remark at the end. Then the plot continues again.
We could have described him without stopping the flow of the story though. He could have just been described as a middle-aged man and leave it there. Then characterize him as he converses with Ilal. Carefully tailor his dialogue to match his personality. Make him do something like fix his tie or adjust his sleeves. It's way better to move the plot forward than to stop it and dump information at this point. I'll explain later.
The ridiculous amounts of exposition also make the story digress a lot from what's important. This is apparent in the argument between Ilal, Nevea, and Terna. All these little bits of description inserted in between the dialogue might make it seem a little more vivid. However, it tends to lead the audience down a rabbit hole with these long descriptions like "Nevea’s fiery ember eyes pierced straight into Terna’s." Bits like these are small, but they pop up on a consistent basis. This is bad because it consistently turns the audience's attention and focus away from what's important, which is the discourse between characters itself. It also gets you farther and farther away from the goal of the first chapter, which is to introduce the context to viewers.
In first chapters, you want to make it clear to the audience what they're getting into, and in the process persuade them to continue reading. This is done not by spinning them around in colorful prose, but by moving the plot forward. Spinning them around with prose is counterproductive; it directs the audience's focus where it shouldn't be. It also regularly stops the plot to a crawl, making it stale, unpersuasive, and devoid of the tension that it needs to be engaging.
But what if you still want to add a little bit of flair to these characters? Make them feel alive and stuff, while still keeping the plot moving, you know. Like I mentioned above, you can incorporate characterizations into their dialogue and small actions.
You don't need to insert fancy descriptions in between if you can make it clear through their dialogue what they're feeling. Just carefully pick their words so that what they say reflect their character fully. For their actions, you can add these little nuances or subtleties. Small details like impatiently tapping the table, or yawning can really tell us a lot about them, especially when done consistently over time. Have a little faith in your viewers and let them piece together the puzzle.
Anyways, that's all I have for now. I hope I helped a bit.
You can expect another review from me on the next chapter, but 'till then, have a good rest of the week. Friday's coming soon!
-awtbeyders
Points: 1937
Reviews: 91
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