Young Writers Society

Hey there, Light.

Here's one of the reviews I promised a long time ago. I hope you'll learn something new from it! Since this is the last part of the chapter 1, I thought it would be better to post one giant review for all the parts of the entire chapter instead of dividing them accordingly. They're all one chapter after all. I hope you don't mind.

Don't expect nitpicks from this one though, because I'm going to get straight to the heart of the chapter's problem.

The one and only issue I have with this entire chapter (1.1-1.3) is that it's so packed with details and exposition, so much so that it becomes hard to read and comparable to a snail in terms of pacing.

I mean, imagine this: you're a high school student. You just took a mentally-draining four-hour examination, and you're barely clinging on to life as you get back home. You wake up with a migraine after catching some zzz's on the train (motion sickness, man.). You just drop all your stuff at the door, and immediately beeline to your bedroom. As you're lying down, you remember you bought a book at the bookstore last Sunday. What was its name again, you wonder. Hidden Entity, was it?

You grab the book from your bookshelf. Maybe I can read a little bit before doing my homework, you think. You're burned out after all, and you're looking for a some escape and a bit of relaxation before starting your nightly activities. As soon as you open the book, it hits you like a wrecking ball. One fat, chunky, juicy paragraph. And another one after that. And another one after that. And another one after that. I'm too tired to read, you think as you put the book away and start to drift away to sleep.

For someone who hasn't read literature in a long time like me, this would be very unwelcome. It's full of dauntingly long exposition that could be explained through things like dialogue instead (show not tell?). Take this scene of the introduction of Anam in 1.1 for example. The last four sentences just stop the plot, freeze time in its place and describe Anam in detail. Took the form of a handsome, middle-aged human. There's even a little remark at the end. Then the plot continues again.

We could have described him without stopping the flow of the story though. He could have just been described as a middle-aged man and leave it there. Then characterize him as he converses with Ilal. Carefully tailor his dialogue to match his personality. Make him do something like fix his tie or adjust his sleeves. It's way better to move the plot forward than to stop it and dump information at this point. I'll explain later.

The ridiculous amounts of exposition also make the story digress a lot from what's important. This is apparent in the argument between Ilal, Nevea, and Terna. All these little bits of description inserted in between the dialogue might make it seem a little more vivid. However, it tends to lead the audience down a rabbit hole with these long descriptions like "Nevea’s fiery ember eyes pierced straight into Terna’s." Bits like these are small, but they pop up on a consistent basis. This is bad because it consistently turns the audience's attention and focus away from what's important, which is the discourse between characters itself. It also gets you farther and farther away from the goal of the first chapter, which is to introduce the context to viewers.

In first chapters, you want to make it clear to the audience what they're getting into, and in the process persuade them to continue reading. This is done not by spinning them around in colorful prose, but by moving the plot forward. Spinning them around with prose is counterproductive; it directs the audience's focus where it shouldn't be. It also regularly stops the plot to a crawl, making it stale, unpersuasive, and devoid of the tension that it needs to be engaging.

But what if you still want to add a little bit of flair to these characters? Make them feel alive and stuff, while still keeping the plot moving, you know. Like I mentioned above, you can incorporate characterizations into their dialogue and small actions.

You don't need to insert fancy descriptions in between if you can make it clear through their dialogue what they're feeling. Just carefully pick their words so that what they say reflect their character fully. For their actions, you can add these little nuances or subtleties. Small details like impatiently tapping the table, or yawning can really tell us a lot about them, especially when done consistently over time. Have a little faith in your viewers and let them piece together the puzzle.

Anyways, that's all I have for now. I hope I helped a bit.

You can expect another review from me on the next chapter, but 'till then, have a good rest of the week. Friday's coming soon!

-awtbeyders

Oo-kay. Now I see where the 'wisdom' part we talked about in the last review came from. With that said, I retain the fact that the first chapter's wording of Nevea's antics--that being describing her as needing to control 'her temper'--should be reworded to something more fitting to what Nevea's actually doing: that being, her habit of testing people/deities. Maybe "She should really care for others feelings more" or "She can be a little rough when she shouldn't be." That has a lot more room for interpretation, and suggests that she's in control of her actions, not her emotions.

There are a couple of grammatical errors here, so I suggest putting this through a spellchecker before doing anything with it.

Here's something that I want to bring into light.

‘You said it yourself this morning; “Aevi is not to be given the same treatment as other planets”.’ It was obvious that Terna’s avoidance to answer Ilal’s question was intentional.

Nevea laughed, the sound thunderous. ‘You assumed I want to destroy Aevi. Do you not realize there are other ways to interpret my words?’

‘You didn’t phrase it that way!’ On the other hand, Terna’s voice was getting louder, thick with emotions she willingly surrendered to. ‘You said you want to remove it and vanish in a blink of an eye!’

[...]

‘I was testing you, sister.’ Nevea’s fiery ember eyes pierced straight into Terna’s. ‘I had wondered if you could be queen should I could not and it seems your judgment is full of errors.’ She leaned toward Terna, her fiery form radiating more heat and brilliance. ‘I am, first and foremost, a Child of Creation. I create, then I destroy. And even if I don’t wish to create, don’t you think I would destroy Aevi the moment I told all of you it had to be

‘This is true, but removal does not necessarily mean destruction. Aevi is to be made a dwarf planet and the humans are not to treat it as a major planet.’

hello, you who emit luminance, I'm here again.

Let's kick this off with answering your questions.

>I'm not actually sure what you mean by plot points...

>:O No, I didn't. I knew that there was the binary of Creation and Destruction, but I didn't link it back to the King and Queen. I thought Nevea was the only one who was capable of both creation and destruction.

>I'm interested in Terna's relationship with the other deities in general to be honest, I'll use this chance to drop a general comment as well. I don't want to criticise too much on your writing styl with this story because it has its own perks, but sometimes I feel like just as I'm getting attached to a character the story is finished and there isn't enough development of the characters you've mentioned here. I'm actually really interested in Terna's relationship with Yalir (because hey, she lives on Pluto and apparently a good friend of Terna's that we haven't been introduced to.

>Hmm, you should definitely take Carlito's response to this question into consideration. But for me, even though you're writing from IIal with a 3rd person limited pov. I'm going to be unpopular and say that I don't think it matters. Partially because so far, I don't even feel that this is IIal telling the story. Everything is as detached and objective as it can be. My question is will switching to another character change this?

Now that I have answered, let's dive into the review. To be completely honest with you, I felt kinda disappointed at this chapter. Not because it's anti-climatic (not all arguments need to be climatic) you have a direction you can take -> exploring the relationship between Terna and Nevea, there is obviously some history here, and some tension brewing beneath the surface. Nevea was testing Terna, but why is she using this as a method of testing? And apparently Terna is meant to be queen?? Then what's Nevea's current role? Why is Terna meant to be queen? You've got enough questions here that you could write another chapter just answering these tiny little things. I've said in my answers to your questions and I'll say it again, I like reading about these deities interact, so I'll pull out all the chances you could have explored and show us the way they interacted with each other. Whether you decide to expand and explore them, is of course your choice.

But bringing it back to why I felt disappointed, it was how abrupt you ended it. There were places where more information could have been offered, and places where you could developed your characters more. And this is the end of the argument, even though there are so many unanswered questions. Who Is Yalir, why is it wrong for them to reside in Pluto? I mean look!

Control your emotions and use your intelligence more. While age-wise, being an eighteen billion years old, you are not a full-fledge deity, practice to become one doesn’t hurt.

Terna gasped, her hand reaching her chest, her head taken aback. ‘How did you - are you telling me -’

Now, dismiss.’

Hi there, SirLight! Niteowl here with Team Pencils and Swords this fine Review Day!

Now, I have gone back and read the first two parts of this chapter, but I didn't review them because I felt like you already got a lot of reviews on them. So I'll cram my thoughts into this one.

Overall, I agree with Carlito that this whole argument felt anticlimactic, moving from the threat of destruction to simply downgrading a planet. It also doesn't shed any light on why the humans would care (though maybe that's something we'll see in future chapters). Now I'll answer your questions.

From this chapter alone, I can see which plot point I can start from and I wonder which one interests you the most?

Hm...I'm curious about this other goddess and why she's hiding in the dwarf planet. But since I've already read Ch. 2 I'm also interested in how the humans interact with their gods in all this.

Have you figured out that there are two sets of children of the King and Queen, Children of Creation and Children of Destruction?

No clue. Plus Nevea's comment that she creates then destroys didn't help with clarity on this issue. It does seem like your god's domains overlap a lot, especially Anam and Ilal (which seem to be your MCs). I'm also kind of surprised at Terna's surprise that Nevea knew about this. Nevea is supposed to inherit the Queen's position...why wouldn't she know what's up in the realm? And where the heck is the Queen?

Are you interested on Terna’s relationship with... whoever you’re going to find out reading this?

Yes. Don't have much else to say on that at the moment.

Also, do you like to continue reading the story from Ilal’s PoV, or do you want others to narrate it?

I think Carlito already pointed out that there's a lot of factors to consider when bringing in other PoVs. However, it seems like it could work since there's so much going on that it's kind of hard to understand from just one PoV.

Another tiny inconsistency I wanted to point out:

‘And you, Terna. Control your emotions and use your intelligence more. While age-wise, being an eighteen billion years old, you are not a full-fledge deity, practice to become one doesn’t hurt. I see the potential in you. Now, dismiss.’

Hello again!

Like Wolfie said (Wolfical will always be Wolfie to me and you will always be Lightsong to me :p), I really appreciate the author notes at the beginning! It's really helpful to know what you're most concerned with in the chapter and what you would like the most feedback on. I will try to oblige

The argument felt a little anti-climatic to me because it all turned out to be a big misunderstanding. I would have liked to see more of the conversation and more of the argument an just more drama (but I live for drama :p). The revelation about why this planet is so important to Terna was interesting. It answered one of my questions I posed in the last segment about what would happen to the planet if it no longer existed because surely there's some kind of life or something there if Terna cares so much about it. I think overall with the argument, I would like to see more of the drama an more of the conversation period. This will do a few different things. For one, I'll get to see the personalities of the characters start to shine through which will help me get to know the characters and differentiate the characters. It's also interesting and exciting as a reader to watch characters navigate conflict like this and I would learn a lot about the characters if I got to go deep into this conflict with them.

I'd also be curious to see throughout the argument what the other characters are doing. Ilal came to watch/help/something else? with that other character (starts with an A but I can't remember the name...) but what are they doing while all of this is going on? Are they watching and letting Terna and the other one fight it out and resolve it? Are they trying to step in and intervene? And since this is from Ilal's perspective, what does he think about all of this? What's his opinion on the whole matter?

To answer some of your questions -

Which plot point intrigues me the most? At this point, the drama with the planet and the goddess. I'm most interested in learning more about that.

Have I figured out that there are two sets of children? Nope! I've already mentioned this, but I'm still confused about which character is which and how to differentiate all of the characters and who goes with which set. I think you could get way more obvious and almost spell out what are the sets of children and who goes with with set. Also, why do there need to be two sets? What's different about the two sets and what are their similarities?

Am I interested in Terna relationship with the goddess? Yes. I'm interested in learning more about these characters period. I'm interested in what each of their roles are and how they all work together or go together. There are ample opportunities for plenty of drama and conflict with a cast like this, so I'm excited to see what you're going to do with it and how all of the characters will intertwine with one another.

In terms of sticking with Ilal's POV or changing up the narrator, it's tough to say at this point. I think there are a couple of questions you need to ask yourself.
-What would the story gain by having it in multiple perspectives?
-Would the story lose anything by having it in multiple perspectives?
-Why are you drawn to writing in in multiple perspectives?
-Is there anything drawing you away from writing in multiple perspectives?
-Can the story support multiple perspectives? And by that I mean, are all of the characters engaging and interesting enough to support their own perspectives?

I would say go for it if your story will lose something significant by not including those other perspectives. I wouldn't do it just to make the story more interesting or to add something else to the story. There should be a clear purpose for including more than one perspective. I would also say go for it if the other perspectives you include will be distinct and different than Ilal's perspective. I say this for a few reasons. First, if it's not distinct and different, then what's the point of having another perspective in the first place? Second, if it's not distinct and different, then readers might get confused about which head they're currently in.

Just some food for thought as you continue But like I said, I think it's intriguing so far and I feel like you're still trying to figure everything out, which is fine! First drafts are all about experimentation. So try things and see what works and what feels right and you can always change it in the next draft.

I'll be back for more later, but let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention!

Happy Review Day!!!

More Hidden Entity, woo! I like your author's notes at the beginnings. It helps me to know what you'd like me to focus on. I also love these short chapter parts because they're super manageable. I haven't been the best and most consistent novel reviewer lately because of storybooking priorities, but at least every Review Day I hope to set aside enough time to catch up on this.

Nevea did left them all baffled by her decision

Instead, she flew away with a speed faster than light. Among all of them, she was the fastest, so fast that even Anam’s portal couldn’t beat her.

‘I was testing you, sister.’ Nevea’s fiery ember eyes pierced straight into Terna’s.

‘If Ilal has empathy from their understanding of her sentient creations

While age-wise, being an eighteen billion years old, you are not a full-fledge deity, practice to become one doesn’t hurt.

I am here at last!

This is... interesting. The overall feeling I came away with was that every one, most particularly Terna, was pretty much overreacting. And maybe this would make sense, if you'd cultivated the feeling that Nevea is a somewhat capricious person who would make radical decisions like this at the drop of the hat, and people never know whether she's serious or not. But that's not what her character feels like, and it's not what you show in the last few paragraphs, where it seems more like this was some grand plan of hers and that she's rather rational and calculating. It sort of feels like a cop out, to be told that this argument is so important and then it turns out it was more a misunderstanding.

Also, Ilal didn't actually do much - you're very right that this focuses more on Nevea, to the point where I'd think it was in her viewpoint if it weren't for the fact that you don't show any of her direct thoughts.

Right now, yes, Nevea is a much more interesting character to me than Ilal is. I don't feel like I understand Ilal's motivations or opinions on any of what's going on, despite the fact that we've been in their head for three parts now, an entire chapter. Nevea is much more active and seems to have plans and clear personality - I wouldn't mind following her around. So if you're thinking Nevea would make a better main character than Ilal, go for it and change to her viewpoint, because I think she would hold reader interest. But if you're going to keep Ilal as a viewpoint, we need to get a better sense for who they are as a person.

Instead, she flew away with a speed faster than light. Among all of them, she was the fastest, so fast that even Anam’s portal couldn’t beat her.

‘I was testing you, sister.’ Nevea’s fiery ember eyes pierced straight into Terna’s.