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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Infection: New World (Chapter 2-3)

by SirHenryFisher


2___

2:34 AM

Sam groaned. He sat up looking at the injury on his leg. It was leg was cut and bleeding, there was a small needle was stuck in the limb, a long, sharp one. Sam attempted to get up but fell down every time, he sat there breathing slowly and heavily.

For some reason, his leg, which had just been mutilated by the creature, felt numb, instead of stinging with pain, like he imagined it should be. He turned and crawled towards his friend, who was lying still, up against the dumpster against which the creature had thrown him.

He noticed his friend had several puncture wounds, probably from when the creature had grabbed his arm. He checked his pulse: it was beating, but… slower. He checked his own pulse. It was also slower. He began to feel uneasy and drowsy. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his upper leg, just a bit farther up than the place that the creature had viciously mutilated.

He screamed as he felt his bone expanding, and started crawling away out of the alley in hope of finding help. He didn’t make it halfway there before his leg was covered in bony thorns, jutting out all over. He yelled loudly, scaring a few birds away.

His arm began to bleed, he notice his arm was slowly fading with feeling. Next, his left leg begined to grow long sharp spines, he to cryd out in pain. “Help me!” Sam shouted at the man outside the house. “What in the-?” The man hurried back inside and slammed the door, leaving Sam alone outside.

Sam’s teeth begin to grow long and sharp cutting the inside of his mouth. He tried to scream, but could only produce an awkward screech, and he puked out blood. His throat welled up and he felt more and more tired.

His skin began toughening into a thick sheet of stiff cartilage. His eyes began to get smaller until they were just dots on his face, his pupils turned a sinister black, his back started to sprout long porcupine-like spines. His entire body turned white like bone, and his nails grew long and thick, sharper than knives.

3___

2:59 AM

A patrol car pulled up at Mr. Derrick’s house, who had called about seeing a strange creature. “Probably just a stray cat or dog.” said Jim, the younger officer.

“Even if it is, it’s our job to respond.” Said Carter. The two officers stepped out into the cold night, they walk to the door of the house. They knocked and waited. A man cautiously peeked out. He was dressed in a bathrobe, had a short, grey beard, and was holding a baseball bat.

“Finally, your here, it was over there when I saw it. It was ugly and white, it looked like a human.” Said Mr. Derrick, the house holder. The two officers turned their heads to see where the man pointed. Suddenly, they heard a screeching sound coming out from behind the alley, just a half a block over.

“Does that sound like a cat or dog to you?” Jim asked in a frightened tone. Mr. Derrick’s face displayed a look of terror before closing and locking his door. The officers took their guns out of theirs holsters and walked slowly towards the screeching noises. A cardboard box flew into the air. “Uh, are you sure about this Carter?” Jim asked nervously.

Jim fell to the ground

“Carter!” Yelled Jim. He kicked the creature off, hearing a screech from the creature. “Holy crap!” Yelled Jim. The creature jumped back toward Jim slashing at his forehead with its long sharp nails, narrowly missing him. “Shoot ‘em!” he shouted frantically as the creature prepared to attack again. Carter pulled back the hammer and aimed, the creature was moving so fast Carter couldn’t get a clear shot.

“Please, don’t let me miss.” Carter whispered to himself. He pulled the trigger. The creature screeched as the bullet dug itself into the creature’s shoulder, between two plates of bony spiky, armor.

Jim got up and both of them held their guns towards the creature. The creature got up and bounded into the alley. Carter unloaded the last few shots from his magazine toward the creature, in hopes of getting a few more shots off into it as it ran towards the alley.

As he rounded the corner, the first thing he saw was the mutilated body of a middle aged man. “Hey, Jim!” Yelled Carter, bending down to get a better look at the body. Jim ran over. “Oh God.” Said Jim, placing his gun in his holster. Jim clenched his hand over his mouth. Jim had seen a body before, once, at a funeral, but he had never seen one as gruesome as this. There was a cut across the man’s chest, the man’s eyes were shrunken and black, and he was bleeding out of his mouth. “Get a team over here. We’re obviously not alone, and we’ve got no backup so far.” Said Carter as he moved his head towards the body’s chest trying to hear a pulse. Jim dry heaved in the corner.

As Carter’s head got close to the body’s chest the arm of the body suddenly lashed out at the officer. The nails of the arm slit his forehead, just above the officer’s eye and he fell back, holding his forehead with his hand.

Jim pulled his gun back out, pulled back the hammer and aimed. He didn’t hesitate this time. He shot the body three times, directly in the head. The arm fell limp, “You okay Carter?” Asked Jim, his gun pointed towards the alley.

“My forehead is cut real bad.” Said Carter. “The patrol car should be on its way.” Jim said, pulling out a crumpled up napkin and placed it on Carter’s bleeding forehead . “You’ll be okay.” Said Jim. “You’ll be okay.”


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 8:56 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by with a quick review on this lovely Review Day.

First chapter
The description of his physical changes was done well and generally disturbing without being needlessly graphic, and putting the time at the beginning really adds to the creepy tone.

That being said, I think you could do a lot to make it more intense. Mostly, Sam's reaction didn't feel very realistic. It just wasn't much of a reaction. He's literally being transformed into a horrific creature after being mutilated by another horrific creature and he has no idea what's going to happen to him or if he's going to survive. He should feel a lot more terrified than he seems right now - if you write more inside his head, giving us his thoughts and letting us feel his panic with strong verbs and short, choppy sentences, it'll be a lot more powerful

The other thing you could do is go the shock route - as in, he's in shock so he's just kind of absorbing and not panicking like he should be. I think you're sort of already doing this, but you would want to emphasize more how strange it is that he's staring at his mutilated leg and only sort of panicking.

Second chapter
I liked how you characterized the police officers right away by having them talk to each other a little bit before they found Sam. Similarly, the description of the man in a bathrobe holding a baseball bat made me laugh.

I think the main thing you could improve here is that it felt like it moved a little too quickly, and you definitely need every line of dialogue to be on a new line. This makes for really short paragraphs, but that's okay in a fight scene - in fact, that's what you want. It makes the pacing feel snappy and intense. I also thought that since Jim is a police officer, he really should have seen a dead body before now. Unless he's really new, but you didn't mention that.

And I think I'll leave it at that! Good luck, and keep writing!




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Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:36 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello there, SirHenryFisher! Happy Review Day!

I haven't read the first chapter, so I apologise that I cannot make much comment on the story line, and also if it affects my any comments of my review.


It was leg was cut and bleeding, there was a small needle was stuck in the limb, a long, sharp one.


I'm not sure exactly how this sentence was supposed to be worded, but I thought I'd call it to attention. Try reading it out loud, you'd be surprised how many little errors you'll catch this way :)


who was lying still, up against the dumpster against which the creature had thrown him.


I would change this sentence to something like 'lying still against the dumpster that the creature had thrown him into.' to avoid the repetition of 'against', or the 'which' that hinders the flow of the sentence.


Next, his left leg begined to grow long sharp spines, he to cryd out in pain


*began and *cried. I think the sentence would be easier as 'Next, his left leg began to grow long, sharp spines, and he cried out in pain.'


-You have places where you a) have long sentences and lots of comma and b) short, choppy sections where the sentences stop and read awkwardly. Sentence structuring is tricky, but I would keep that in mind when writing/editing.

-The 2nd chapter is kinda rushed and short. I think you could have expanded on Sam's emotions and reaction to everything that's happening, and made his transformation slower. I understand it's a continuation of the first chapter, but maybe add in more setting as well, to give the reader a better understanding of the scenery/mood? I find description and scene setting helps a lot when trying to add mood to a scene.


“Even if it is, it’s our job to respond.” Said Carter.
I'm just using this sentence as an example, because this occurs frequently, but either the first period should be a comma, or there shouldn't be a dialogue tag. A period, used in dialogue, would be followed up with something like an action or description. A comma would be followed by a dialogue tag unless it's a pause. Someone made a really good example post explaining these rules on tumblr, but I don't have the link for that right now.

-When Jim gets attacked, Carter doesn't react for a while. He has no reaction at all until he finally pulls back the hammer on the gun. I would have him respond to this situation faster, or at least give insight into his point of view on the scene as Jim is suddenly attacked.

-Also, another little editing thing, you need to break lines every time a different character speaks. This way, you won't get your readers won't get confused as to who is speaking, especially if you don't use a dialogue tag after...well, dialogue.


That's all I've got for you today! I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful in the way of the actual story. The description of the transformation was pretty cool, if gruesome, and whatever Sam turns into is certainly scary.

I hope you have a wonderful day! Keep up with your writing :D




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Mon Feb 26, 2018 2:35 pm
SirHenryFisher says...



Sorry that I haven’t posted a chapter in a long time. If you do a review, please try to find any spelling/grammar mistakes. I had little time to write this and I have everythingismispelledaphobia (fear of making spelling mistakes (not really)). So please, just tell me what you think.





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