Prologue____
1:30 AM
The man pulled the small, plexiglass container from the freezer. “Ah, yes.” He said. He pulled a syringe out of a cupboard. “They denied me,” he told himself, “Let’s see who will get the last laugh when this is all over.” He filled the syringe with the cold liquid, and lowered it down to his arm.
He scowled as he remembered the expressions on their faces, laughing hysterically at his idea. “I’m going to be rich when they see how well this works.” he said, right before injecting himself. He bit down on his lower lip as the needle went in. He pressed down releasing the murky liquid into his veins. He groaned, he took out his syringe and placed it on the table.
He waited a few seconds, but nothing happened. Surely, he thought, if it was hazardous, he would have already reaped the consequences. He smiled, for a second, but then started to feel uneasy. He looked down at his arm, which suddenly started feeling numb. It was slowly turning pale.
Pain rushed through him and felt a weird feeling throughout his body. The the man screamed in agony as he fell to the floor, clutching his right arm in pain. He flailed about, feeling a weird pulsing pain sending signals throughout his body.
The man’s teeth began to sharpen and some fell out, his eyes began to turn smaller and smaller until they were not much bigger than tic tacs, his retinas turned ink black and were drained of any color.
He tried to scream, but only managed to produce a screeching sound, like a knife against steel. The man passed out from the pain, yet his body continued it's transformation.
It awoke, but what arose was not human. The creature was covered from head to toe with white spikes, with a crude and mangled face. It's hands had extended, making it resemble a thorny pale club. With another loud screech, it ran out the living room, smashing right through his thin glass window, falling down onto the concrete below…
The concept is amazing! I can't wait to see how the story turns out.
just a few problems...
"The man’s teeth began to sharpen and some fell out"
I love the whole transformation sequence, I just feel like the term "some" could be replaced by the phrase "many"
If anyone has 75 points to spare, that would be great. I have 125 points and a new chapter ready to go, but I can't post anything because I don't have enough.
It's a really good story, with nice descriptions which gave me a vivid idea of what was happening. What I don't understand though, is his willingness to inject the liquid into himself. If I were making some weird juice that could potentially kill me, I'd have probably stuck it in someone else before I shoved it into my arm. Maybe even tested it on some of the people who were laughing at me?
With that said, why were they laughing at this poor man? I'd like to know what he was being laughed at for. What would drive him to such lengths just to get revenge? It must've been something reeeally important to him, because I doubt he'd do all this just because they laughed at his clothing or something as simple as that. Maybe it'd also help me understand his situation a bit more.
Anyway, I personally didn't notice any grammar issues, but there was one part that was confusing.
"feeling a weird pulsing pain sending signals throughout his body."
What signals are being sent through his body? Are they like neural signals that're making his arms and legs spazz out, or is it tickling him or something?
It could just be me though, but ye I'm confused there
I think my favourite part was when he jumped out the window. I don't know why, but it makes me laugh, just imagining a lizard thing hopping out the window like "I'M FREE!"
Anyway, I'd like to see how the rest of the story goes. I feel like it's gonna be some sort of blood bath, ending all those who dared laugh at him. I wonder if he will become rich - or will he be stuck as that "thing" forever?
This was very good! You provided great imagery for the audience that I'm sure everyone would love. I liked how you described why this man was doing what he did, saying that he would show everyone that he was gonna be so rich! Very well done.
I also like how you described this man's transformation into this "thing". Also very well done. My favorite line from this paragraph was "The man’s teeth began to sharpen and some fell out, his eyes began to turn smaller and smaller until his eyes were not much bigger than tic tacs, his retinas turned ink black and were drained of any color."
I like how you described how his teeth appeared to change, along with his eyes, and including detail about the retinas. I like the comparison of the retinas being as small as tic tacs. Very clever!
While you did have a few grammar errors, I'm sure you will be able to spot them! So great job! I look forward to seeing more from you!
Keep up the fantastical work!
~Lake
"Laughing their heads off at his idea."
Instead you could say that they are mocking both him and his idea. But over all I like this idea a lot. This is a good prologue. I hope you continue on with this idea.
Thanks for sharing this description of a man who chooses to avenge himself against those who mocked him by transforming himself into a monster, and then jumping out a window. It is an opening that does give us an idea of what will follow. I imagined the monster going for each one of the laughers and they frantically scattering to the four winds frantically trying to evade his snapping jaws and clutching claws.
Is it good to give away that much at the start? Well, I think that a mysterious start with the men laughing about this unknown fellow would be better. I would have enjoyed this scene much more if it had been introduced much later after the foundation for was laid via the introduction of the characters involved. Why? Well, because then I would have understood the feelings of the man injecting himself and would have either approved disapproved. Felt maybe his frustration an anger because of injustices suffered, Considered him an underdog victimized by bullies. But as it stands I don’t know him fro Adam and the ones laughing could have been laughing be cause this man broke wind in public.
laughing their heads off
Pain rushed through him and felt a weird feeling throughout his body.
until his eyes
Let me know if you have any requests for characters, this book won't have any main characters, it will alternate between characters: one character per chapter, with some characters having multiple chapter.
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