The Infection: New World (Chapter 1)

Happy late birthday by the way! First off, you gave us a lot of action. That’s a good thing especially in the first chapter. By adding action the reader gets sucked into the story and you avoid exposition dumping. However, this can be a double edged sword. If all of your chapters are just action, the story will be lost. Readers can get tired of nonstop action and no plot, so remember to be careful with this. You were describive with the mutant, but not with the setting or main character. Try giving a description of Evan’s clothing to showcase his wealth. We also don’t know much about his personality. Is he arrogant or humble? What are his flaws? Overall, great introduction to the story.

Hello!

First of all, this is a great start to a story. It gets right to the action and makes the reader want to know more about this strange creature and what will happen to Evan.

I feel like the first part of your sentence, "Evan walked through an alley", could be a bit more descriptive. Maybe describe the alley in a bit more detail to set the scene. Was it a dark alley or lit up? Was it clean or cluttered? That kind of thing.

Also, you could use a different adjective instead of "walking" to describe how Evan was in a rush, such as 'hurried'.

You could add more of a description to you character by just making him do simple things without lengthening you chapter too much like rubbing his hands together because he was cold (which gets a feel for his character and the weather) or striding with his hands in his pockets, which makes him seem confident and care free, or he could be humming or something like that. I think that would add to the description of Evan nicely to balance out the action in this chapter.

Anyway, this is my only advice. I really liked the way you started it, with him going to the shops as it leaves the reader curious to find out more about Evan and about the monster. I look forward to reading more chapters. I hope you find this useful

Hello! Peiji here for a review!

I'll start off by saying that this is shaping up to be a great story. I particularly liked the description of the mutant, which created a vivid mental picture.

That being said, there were some mistakes.

I'll start with grammatical errors.
The line "Evan walked through an alley, trying to get to the new mall on time, he would have ridden his Mercedes, but traffic was thick tonight." should be divided into two sentences, so it reads like "Evan walked through an alley, trying to get to the new mall on time. He would have ridden his Mercedes, but traffic was thick tonight."

The line "'I don’t give a crap about your deal.' Said the homeless guy placing his finger on the trigger." should read "“I don’t give a crap about your deal!” said the homeless guy, placing his finger on the trigger."

"'I suggest you come out if you value your life.' He said." should read "I suggest you come out if you value your life,” he said. "

The line "“Last chance. Three… two…” before he could finish his countdown, a figure from behind the trashcan reached out, grabbing him by his gun arm and yanked him off his feet, throwing him forward, past the trash can, against the side of a dumpster." would read better as "“Last chance. Three… two…” Before he could finish his countdown, a figure from behind the trashcan reached out, grabbed him by his gun arm, and yanked him off his feet, throwing him forward, past the trash can, against the side of a dumpster."

"Out from behind the trashcan the figure rose, it was mutated and ugly, white as snow, with thorns sticking out from all over its body." should be split into two sentences that read as "Out from behind the trashcan the figure rose. It was mutated and ugly, white as snow, with thorns sticking out from all over its body."

"Evan picked himself up, and turned and ran." should say "Evan picked himself up, turned, and ran."

The "it's" in the line "It screeched again, and it’s tough skin cracked, but didn’t stop it advance." should be "its". In addition, you should say "but didn’t stop its advance."

I noticed that In the line "Seeing that his weapon was ineffective, the man turned around to escape the howling creature, but the creature stabbed a sharp, thorny hand it to the sewer man’s leg, and dragged him away." you accidentally wrote "it to" instead of "into"

"The man screamed, the mutant repeatedly stabbed and scratched causing the man to faint faint in pain. The mutant stopped, and turned and headed back down the alley, hiding from the sun as it began to rise." would read better as, "The man screamed, and the mutant repeatedly stabbed and scratched him, causing the man to faint in pain. The mutant stopped, turned, and headed back down the alley, hiding from the sun as it began to rise.

Next, I wanted to ask about something I found to be off. Why is Evan going to the mall at 2:13 am? I understand that you wanted to set your scene before the sun was up, but it still seems a bit off.

Anyway, keep writing! I'm interested to see where this goes!

Hoi! Just passing by to write a review! I'm usually not the best at reviews, but I'll try my best to give you some hopefully helpful advice!

This chapter was certainly quickly paced. It's not too bad; it's just that it felt a little too rushed. We start off the story with Evan leaving to go shopping, only to be stopped by a homeless person that threatens him because he wants money. Then, the homeless man gets attacked by a mysterious creature. But there's not really any description about the main character himself; all we know about him is that he's going somewhere to shop. I think this chapter would be better if there was more description about the main character. I also think it would be nice to be more descriptive about the setting of this story. I'm assuming that this story takes place in a city, but the story starts off smack dab without giving much context on what's going on. Also, I think the ending of the chapter is pretty weak, as it abruptly ends after the mutant decides to leave. There's not much of a conclusion. There's also a few grammar mistakes, but they're mostly run-on sentences, so it's not too bad.

Additional note since I just realized you wrote a prologue before this: Earlier I wrote mentioning that more description should be added to the main character, but apparently this story isn't going to have a main character, but rather multiple characters that will be featured in at least one chapter. I think that should be ok, but I still think that it would be good to maybe expand the character a little more. If not, I hope that the character will be expanded on in further chapters hopefully!

I think this chapter is a good start though! Keep it up!