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A shot of Arrogance (Chapter Two)

by Sins


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A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter Two

Crossing my legs, I lifted the pair of sunglasses off my eyes and put them down beside me. I squinted slightly as I sat up on the sun chair before observing the still swimming pool in front of me, debating whether I should go in or not.

The sky was a pale blue colour, without a cloud in sight, allowing the sun to burn confidently onto the world. There wasn’t a sound to be heard. That was one of the things I loved about living in a rather isolated place; it was peaceful.

I stood up and removed the soft pink towel from around my waist, revealing my newly bought polka dot bikini. I wasn’t supposed to be by the pool right now, I was supposed to be meeting with my father and another one of his husband suggestions at ten o’ clock. For many reasons, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

I'd suggested plenty of other things to my father on how to sort out the mess he'd gotten my family into. I'd pointed out that selling some of the items in the house would help, but he said that we were in way too deep for that to help. I suggested that my mother should have gotten a job, I even suggested that I could get a job. I also mentioned the most obvious solution. Selling the house. My father didn't even want to know.

He didn't want others commenting on how we'd downgraded ourselves into another house. Even the thought of selling anything made the hair on his neck stand up. I shut my eyes for a few moments. All my father cared about was his damn pride and look at where it had gotten us. Lying to all of our friends and at the edge of bankruptcy. I really did need to inherit everything, didn't I?

I forced myself to stop thinking so negatively. What had happened had happened, there was nothing I could do about it. Glancing at my phone, I noticed that I had to meet my father in fifteen minutes. A quick swim in the garden pool wouldn’t hurt, right? It might help wash away my thoughts. I grinned to myself as something entered my head. If I swam until five to ten, I wouldn’t have the time to make myself presentable... and if I accidently turned up ten minutes late, I would certainly not come across as reliable... Then again, I was awfully warm. I had no choice really but to swim. Oh, what a shame.

With a satisfied grin on my face, I threw my towel back onto the sun chair and fastened my bikini strap. Grabbing my brush from my bag, I tied back my hair before reapplying some waterproof mascara. I wanted to look somewhat presentable when I met up with my father, just not look as though I gave much of a crap...

I placed my brush into my coral coloured bag and began to make my way over to the pool. Flicking my fringe off my face, I stretched my arms out in front of me and bent my knees, preparing to dive into the water.

“If dad’s suggestion is another whiny midget,” I thought out loud. “I swear I’m go-”

Suddenly, I felt something firmly push me on my back, and before I knew it, I had splashed into the cold water of the swimming pool.

Forcing my head to the top of the water, I opened my mouth and began to breathe as though I was on the verge of death.

“Tori!” I heard a horribly familiar voice laugh. “You seriously need to stop talking to yourself! It ain’t good.”

Finally controlling my breathing, I looked up to see a grinning, sandy haired boy looking back at me. Oliver Poynter.

It had been just over a week since Oliver had been hired as my assistant. I still saw no point to it, but I’d given up on arguing about it with my parents. To my annoyance, the day I met him hadn’t been a one-off. Oliver was always loud, cocky and annoying.

Gritting my teeth, I hastily scrambled over the edge of the pool, cursing under my breath as I did so. Once I was on the dry ground, I shot up, ran over to the deck chair and wrapped my towel around me. Without saying another word, I grabbed my phone from my bag and began dialling my father’s number.

“Whoa, calm down!” Oliver held his hands up and began walking over to me “what are you doing?”

“What am I doing? Are you serious? What are you doing, more like!” I stopped dialling on my phone and looked up at him, “I’m calling my father to have you arrested, that’s what I’m doing!”

Oliver began laughing as he lay down on the deck chair beside me. Once he realised that I was dead serious, the cocky grin was wiped off his face.

“Okay, look, I’m sorry!” he stood back up. “Come on though, you seriously overreacted. I didn’t even push you... I just gave you a little nudge. It’s my way of showing affection. You’re the one that had some kind of spasm and flew into the water. No offence to people who actually have spasms.” He paused for a second, “Hey, is that actually possible? Do people actually have proper spasms? Like, full on spasms? Is it a disease or something? You’re rich and stuff, so you’re smart, right? You should know about things like that.”

Completely forgetting about me calling my father, I threw my phone onto the deck chair. All that I could do now was gape at Oliver, confused and slightly worried.

Was my father drunk when he gave Oliver his job or something? What worried me even more was that Ella knew him personally. Lord knows what that did to her mental health.

“What is actually wrong with you?” I shook my head, still staring at the boy in front of me. “Do you have ADHD or something?”

For the third time in the past ten minutes, Oliver burst into laughter. “Nah, I’m dyslexic though. Don’t know if that counts.” He glanced away for a small, but strangely noticeable moment. I didn't think much of it . “You do realise that you’re quarter of an hour late for that meeting with your old man and your future hubby?”

I suddenly froze. He was right. It was gone half past ten now. My father was going to kill me. I wanted to be ten minutes late, not thirty.

Pushing Oliver out of my way, I grabbed my phone and dropped it into my bag before rolling up my towel up and placing it under my arm and took hold of my bag with the other.

“He’s not my future husband, okay?” I narrowed my eyes at Oliver before rushing towards my house.

“Now, don’t be so negative,” Oliver called, jogging behind me. “You aren’t going to tell your father about what just happened, yeah?”

“Depends,” I shrugged, “are you going to stop behaving like a five year old on cocaine?”

“Wow,” he smiled. “I didn’t know that posh chicks like you knew what cocaine is. I thought you lived on lobster and stuff.”

Shaking my head, I stood beside my back door, waiting for Oliver to catch up with me. A pile of rose bushes had somehow caught his full attention.

He looked up at me and turned his head. “Victoria... you do know how to open a door, right? You have to, like, turn the handle and then push.”

“Yes, I know. I’m waiting for you to open it for me.” I sniffed. “You may as well do something useful. You were actually supposed to be here an hour ago, in case you didn’t notice. Oh, and it’s Miss Kingston to you.”

“Yeah well, I was busy.” He shrugged, finally turning away from the ever so interesting rose bushes. “Do you want me to help you shower as well? I’d be cool with that.” He winked at me before opening the door.

“It’s not too late for me to ask my father to call the police, you know,” I threatened him.

I couldn’t believe this. Oliver was supposed to be my assistant, as stupid as that was, not some annoying child I was supposed to try and control. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and groaned. This was going to be a long day.

*****

“Victoria!” my father shouted as I walked into the living room. “You are forty five minutes late! I distinctly told you to be here by ten o’ clock. No earlier. No later.”

Sitting next to where my father had been seconds ago was a handsome, dark haired man. He was wearing a chic black and white suit. I had to admit, I was pretty impressed. Unlike the previous husband suggestions of my father’s, he wasn’t ginger, short, or wearing bright pink.

Realising that my father had just bellowed at me, I quickly turned my attention back to his red face. Biting my lip, I glanced back at the man sitting on the sofa, then at Oliver who was standing beside me, and then back at my father.

“Uh... Sorry, I...” I stammered.

“It wasn’t her fault, honestly. She was on her way to meet you when she foolishly slipped and fell into the swimming pool outside. Pretty unlucky, really.” Oliver interrupted me.

Foolishly slipped? If my father wasn’t in the room right now, along with a guest, I actually would have kicked that boy where it hurts. Hard. I was surprised that I didn’t do so right there and then.

“Who are you?” my father asked rather rudely.

That was odd. I thought that it was my father who hired him. Come to think of it, my father probably did hire him; he just forgot about him. That often happened with his staff. He didn’t know that half of them even existed.

“Ollie Poy- Oliver Poynter,” Oliver replied awkwardly. “I’m Vict- your daughter's new assistant, uh... Sir,” he nodded his head in my direction.

It was quite clear that he wasn’t used to speaking to someone like my father. I was just glad that he wasn’t speaking to him like he spoke to me. That would have been embarrassing for the both of us.

My father cautiously narrowed his eyes at Oliver. I couldn’t blame him; Oliver hardly looked like a committed member of staff. He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, to begin with. Whether he had showered or not since then was beyond me.

“Don’t let it happen again.” My father turned back to me. “This is Richard Brooks,” my father gestured his hand towards where the dark haired man was sitting.

Richard nodded his head and smiled at me. “Hello there.”

“Hello,” I said politely back at him.

“Right then,” my father smiled, “I’ll leave you to it.”

Seconds later, he’d left the room, leaving Richard, Oliver and me on our own.

I wished that he hadn’t left though because the next few seconds were the most painfully embarrassing seconds of my entire life, and it was all because of my idiot assistant.

“I bet he’s fun at parties!” Oliver laughed as my father left the room. He jumped onto the leather sofa behind him. “Do you have anything to eat here, Tori?" My name is Victoria. "I am well hungry and I ain’t had food in ages. I’m going to turn rabid at this rate.” He paused for a brief few seconds. “Or just some coffee? I go nuts on coffee, it's great. I once jumped off my mate's garden shed when I'd drunk a load of coffee because I wanted to show him that I could do three back flips in a row. I failed. It was still cool though except for the fact that my mate had a go at me. Apparently, he doesn't appreciate it when I jump on his cat... You'd let me jump on your cat, wouldn't you, Tori?” Oliver sighed. "I'm tired..."

At this point, Richard was staring at Oliver very strangely. I rolled my eyes before turning to Richard and giving him an apologetic look.

“I’m ever so sorry, he’s new.” I turned to Oliver who was taping his fingers on the arm of the sofa. “Look, you call me Miss Kingston and nothing else, let alone some stupid little nickname. If you're that hungry, there are some biscuits on the coffee table. Eat them. Oh, and don't say a word unless I ask you to.” I whispered rather aggressively.

I was extremely surprised when he nodded before grabbing a biscuit from the coffee table. It became even more unbelievable when he was silent for the next two hours. Mind you, who was I to complain? He had actually shut up, that was all that mattered.

While Richard and I were talking, I often noticed Oliver opening his mouth, preparing to come out with some cocky comment. I was quick enough to shoot him a quick glare every time he did so, eventually causing him to stop trying. It clearly put him in a mood with me, but I was actually rather thankful of that.

Throughout the next two hours, I decided that if I were to marry, Richard would be an option. The thought of marriage still made my stomach churn, but at least I'd met somebody decent. Richard was charming, good looking, kind, and he seemed confident enough.

“Yes, I am the heir to my father’s business. He owns countless amounts of stores all around the UK and there is an especially successful store in Manchester. When I turn twenty one in four months, I will officially own the business.” Richard said proudly, which was fair enough. It was impressive.

“Wow, that is great and certainly interesting.” I smiled, “would you like something to drink? I just realised that I haven’t asked you yet. I’m awfully sorry!”

“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” Richard laughed, his grey coloured eyes squinting slightly as he did so, “and I will have one, please.”

He ran his hand through his hair before tidying the black tie around his neck. I was beginning to wonder why I was so adamant about getting married. I mean, Richard seemed like a good guy. Dark, tall, handsome, rich. Perfect.

I turned to Oliver to see him with his eyes shut, laid back onto my sofa. He was gently rubbing his head when I spoke to him, his eyes still closed.

“Oliver, get Mr. Brooks something to drink,” I said, smiling at Richard.

“Huh?” he muttered, opening his deep green eyes. “What?”

“Can you get Mr. Brooks a drink,” I gritted my teeth. “Please.”

Like he had done earlier, Oliver nodded. He stood up and walked over to the door, brushing past my leg. I was really beginning to like his silence now. In the meantime, Richard’s eyes had began to wonder around my living room.

He was looking at the stone fireplace at the back of the room when I continued speaking to him. In the next five minutes or so, I found out that his older brother had died several years ago, automatically making him the heir to his father’s car business. I also found out some lighter stuff like the fact that his favourite kind of music was soft rock and that he had a pet dog named Danny.

Once ten minutes had passed, I realised that Oliver still hadn’t returned with Richard’s drink. If Oliver wasn’t new, I would have sacked him a long time ago. I sometimes wondered if I needed to be a bit harder on people. The truth was that he should have, in fact, been sacked a while ago.

“Is tea all right?” Oliver suddenly appeared in the doorway, his face completely flat, “I don’t really know where anything is, so I wasn’t sure what I was doing.”

“Tea’s fine,” Richard replied as Oliver handed him a pale white mug.

“I got you some too,” he said, turning to me.

“Oh, it’s okay, I don’t want any.” I replied, not bothering to look at him.

“Can I have it?” Oliver sounded hopeful.

Honestly? Did he think I was that naive? He’d obviously made an extra drink on purpose, knowing that I didn’t want one, just so that he could have it. How dull did he think I was?

“No, just throw it away,” I replied, still not looking at him. “You had plenty of time to drink something before you got here. You were an hour late as it is. I tell you when to take a break and that is when you can eat or drink something. I'm sure you can wait ten minutes, Oliver.”

Fuck you,” he suddenly muttered under his breath.

That was the point I turned to look at him, utterly frustrated. How dare he say that to me? If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t even have a job. He’d been told what the rules were. Did he honestly think that he could just decide how he wanted to treat me?

If he hadn’t annoyed me so much, I probably would have let him drink that tea. The fact that he scared me half to death the day I met him, pushed me into a pool, embarrassed me in front of Richard, and treated me however he wanted to treat me was the reason I didn’t allow him to drink anything. I was just so angry with him right now.

“Don’t speak to me like that!” I hissed at him in a tone that Richard couldn't quite hear. “You’re not here to have a good time, you know. You’re here to work for me and you will do as you’re told.”

Oliver simply muttered something under his breath and lifted his hand to his head, rubbing it again. He breathed in heavily as I continued what I was saying.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are that I haven’t sacked you yet? If I were my father, you would have been out of this door within five minutes of you arriving.” I was beginning to raise my voice. “The least you could do is apologise!”

It didn’t surprise me when Oliver said nothing. Instead, he just carried on rubbing his head and gritting his teeth.

As the seconds passed, everything inside of me began bubbling up. Maybe I was being unfair on him, but I was just so annoyed. When Oliver shut his eyes, I'd had enough. “Oliver!” I shouted at him.

There was still no response. Oliver simply stood in the middle of the room silently and completely blank. If anything, it looked as though he was in pain. It was clear that he wasn’t planning on apologising to me.

“Oliver!” I practically screamed at him.

As the words left my mouth, Oliver stumbled slightly before suddenly falling onto the soft carpeted floor below him, the tea spilling all over my mother’s cream carpet as the mug smashed. There was a loud thud as he fell, which was shortly replaced by an eerie silence.

I froze. I’d completely forgotten about Richard until now. He quickly jumped off the sofa and kneeled down beside Oliver, gently tapping his face. Oliver’s left palm was bleeding slightly from where the mug had smashed in his hand and his eyes were completely shut. He was entirely motionless. It finally dawned on me that Oliver was completely out of it.

“Do you have a nurse or something?” Richard asked, still trying to get Oliver to wake up. It wasn’t hard to notice the anxiety in his voice.

I swallowed hard before slowly nodding. Before I knew I’d done so, I ran out of the room and up the stairs to find Ella. She wasn’t technically a nurse, but she was the closest thing we had to one.


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225 Reviews


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Mon Mar 14, 2011 8:42 pm
Spitfire wrote a review...



Hey Skinsy!
I know you're going to rewrite the chapters, but as I have no idea when they'll be done, I'll comment on these ones for now. When you've posted the new ones, I'll check them out :)

So.. Normally I'd nit-pick, but everything that I was thinking has already been said, so why use up your time? Oh, but there was one part that seemed off to me. At first Victoria is thinking she'll swim a little to show up a little late, but then Oli pushes her in the pool. She gets out, and they talk a little, and the next thing you know, she's saying she's super super late. I don't get that. Their dialogue exchange was so short, lasting 5 minutes, tops, but somehow she's forty minutes late instead? I don't quite get that...

Now I'm gonna move on to the general aspects of the story.

Characters. I looove your characters. They seem so alive to me; so distinct that they feel real. I like that instead of having the usual story where the girl is all sweet and innocent and the guy's a hard-ass, it's the reverse. Nice 8)

Plot. As Maddy said, I hope this isn't what most of us are thinking that she's gonna hook up with Richard because he's the best choice and then realize how much she actually loves Oli. Waaayyyy too obvious; and quite boring to read if it's really that easy to guess. But I expect you'll give us some pretty good stuff, skinsy.
On to the next chappy :) !!




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Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:02 pm
Jashael wrote a review...



Hi, Skins! Jash here again. :)

I hope you know the drill: comments in #FF0080 ">pinkish font.

Skins wrote:


Crossing my legs, I lifted the pair of sunglasses off my eyes and put them down beside me. I squinted slightly as I sat up on the sun chair before observing the still swimming pool in front of me, debating whether I should go in or not.
The sky was a pale blue colour, without a cloud in sight, allowing the sun to burn confidently onto the world. There wasn’t a sound to be heard. That was one of the things I loved about living in a rather isolated place; it was peaceful.
I stood up and removed the soft pink towel from around my waist, revealing my newly bought polka dot bikini. I wasn’t supposed to be by the pool right now,#FF0080 ">semicolon I was supposed to be meeting with my father and another one of his husband suggestions at ten o’ clock. For many reasons, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
I'd suggested plenty of other things to my father on how to sort out the mess he'd gotten my family into. I'd pointed out that selling some of the items in the house would help, but he said that we were in way too deep for that to help. I suggested that my mother should have gotten a job, I even suggested that I could get a job. I also mentioned the most obvious solution. Selling the house. My father didn't even want to know.
He didn't want others commenting on how we'd downgraded ourselves into another house. Even the thought of selling anything made the hair on his neck stand up. I shut my eyes for a few moments#FF0080 ">delete s. All my father cared about was his damn pride and look at where it had gotten us. Lying to all of our friends and#FF0080 ">I think you should delete "and" at the edge of bankruptcy. I really did need to inherit everything, didn't I?
I forced myself to stop thinking so negatively. What had happened had happened,#FF0080 ">Use a semicolon for compound sentences. there was nothing I could do about it. Glancing at my phone, I noticed that I had to meet my father in fifteen minutes. A quick swim in the garden pool wouldn’t hurt, right? It might help wash away my thoughts. I grinned to myself as something entered my head. If I swam until five to ten, I wouldn’t have the time to make myself presentable... and if I accidently turned up ten minutes late, I would certainly not come across as reliable... Then again, I was awfully warm. I had no choice really but to swim. Oh, what a shame.
With a satisfied grin on my face, I threw my towel back onto the sun chair and fastened my bikini strap. Grabbing my brush from my bag, I tied back my hair before reapplying some waterproof mascara. I wanted to look somewhat presentable when I met up with my father, just not look as though I gave much of a crap...
I placed my brush into my coral coloured bag and began to make my way over to the pool. Flicking my fringe off my face, I stretched my arms out in front of me and bent my knees, preparing to dive into the water.
“If dad’s suggestion is another whiny midget,” I thought out loud. “I swear I’m go-”
Suddenly, I felt something firmly push me on my back, and before I knew it, I had splashed into the cold water of the swimming pool.
Forcing my head to the top of the water, I opened my mouth and began to breathe as though I was on the verge of death.
“Tori!” I heard a horribly familiar voice laugh. “You seriously need to stop talking to yourself! It ain’t good.”
Finally controlling my breathing, I looked up to see a grinning, sandy haired boy looking back at me. Oliver Poynter.
It had been just over a week since Oliver had been hired as my assistant. I still saw no point to it, but I’d given up on arguing about it with my parents. To my annoyance, the day I met him hadn’t been a one-off. Oliver was always loud, cocky and annoying.
Gritting my teeth, I hastily scrambled over the edge of the pool, cursing under my breath as I did so. Once I was on the dry ground, I shot up, ran over to the deck chair and wrapped my towel around me. Without saying another word, I grabbed my phone from my bag and began dialling my father’s number.
“Whoa, calm down!” Oliver held his hands up and began walking over to me “what are you doing?”
“What am I doing? Are you serious? What are you doing, more like!” I stopped dialling on my phone and looked up at him, “I’m calling my father to have you arrested, that’s what I’m doing!”
#FF0080 ">HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love them. :P
Oliver began laughing as he lay down on the deck chair beside me. Once he realised that I was dead serious, the cocky grin was wiped off his face.
“Okay, look, I’m sorry!” h#FF0080 ">He stood back up. “Come on though, you seriously overreacted. I didn’t even push you... I just gave you a little nudge. It’s my way of showing affection. You’re the one that had some kind of spasm and flew into the water. No offence to people who actually have spasms.” He paused for a second, “Hey, is that actually possible? Do people actually have proper spasms? Like, full on spasms? Is it a disease or something? You’re rich and stuff, so you’re smart, right? You should know about things like that.”
Completely forgetting about me #FF0080 ">mycalling my#FF0080 ">delete my father, I threw my phone onto the deck chair. All that I could do now was gape at Oliver, confused and slightly worried.
Was my father drunk when he gave Oliver his job or something? What worried me even more was that Ella knew him personally. Lord knows what that did to her mental health.
“What is actually wrong with you?” I shook my head, still staring at the boy in front of me. “Do you have ADHD or something?”
For the third time in the past ten minutes, Oliver burst into laughter. “Nah, I’m dyslexic though. #FF0080 ">*gasp*Don’t know if that counts.” He glanced away for a small, but strangely noticeable moment. I didn't think much of it . “You do realise that you’re quarter of an hour late for that meeting with your old man and your future hubby?”
I suddenly froze. He was right. It was gone half past ten now. My father was going to kill me. I wanted to be ten minutes late, not thirty.
Pushing Oliver out of my way, I grabbed my phone and dropped it into my bag before rolling up my towel up and placing it under my arm and took hold of my bag with the other.#FF0080 ">I don't know how to fix that sentence, but it sure was confusing.
“He’s not my future husband, okay?” I narrowed my eyes at Oliver before rushing towards my house.
“Now, don’t be so negative,” Oliver called, jogging behind me. “You aren’t going to tell your father about what just happened, yeah?”
“Depends,” I shrugged, “are you going to stop behaving like a five year old on cocaine?”
“Wow,” he smiled. “I didn’t know that posh chicks like you knew what cocaine is. I thought you lived on lobster and stuff.”
#FF0080 ">HAHAHAHA
Shaking my head, I stood beside my back door, waiting for Oliver to catch up with me. A pile of rose bushes had somehow caught his full attention.
He looked up at me and turned his head. “Victoria... you do know how to open a door, right? You have to, like, turn the handle and then push.”
“Yes, I know. I’m waiting for you to open it for me.” I sniffed. “You may as well do something useful. You were actually supposed to be here an hour ago, in case you didn’t notice. Oh, and it’s Miss Kingston to you.”
“Yeah well, I was busy.” He shrugged, finally turning away from the ever so interesting rose bushes. “Do you want me to help you shower as well? I’d be cool with that.” He winked at me before opening the door.
“It’s not too late for me to ask my father to call the police, you know,” I threatened him.
I couldn’t believe this. Oliver was supposed to be my assistant, as stupid as that was, not some annoying child I was supposed to try and control. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and groaned. This was going to be a long day.

*****


“Victoria!” my father shouted as I walked into the living room. “You are forty five minutes late! I distinctly told you to be here by ten o’ clock. No earlier. No later.”
Sitting next to where my father had been seconds ago was a handsome, dark haired man. He was wearing a chic black and white suit. I had to admit, I was pretty impressed. Unlike the previous husband suggestions of my father’s, he wasn’t ginger, short, or wearing bright pink.
Realising that my father had just bellowed at me, I quickly turned my attention back to his red face. Biting my lip, I glanced back at the man sitting on the sofa, then at Oliver who was standing beside me, and then back at my father.
“Uh... Sorry, I...” I stammered.
“It wasn’t her fault, honestly. She was on her way to meet you when she foolishly slipped and fell into the swimming pool outside. Pretty unlucky, really.” Oliver interrupted me.
Foolishly slipped? If my father wasn’t in the room right now, along with a guest, I actually would have kicked that boy where it hurts. Hard. I was surprised that I didn’t do so right there and then.
“Who are you?” my father asked rather rudely.
That was odd. I thought that it was my father who hired him. Come to think of it, my father probably did hire him; he just forgot about him. That often happened with his staff. He didn’t know that half of them even existed.
“Ollie Poy- Oliver Poynter,” Oliver replied awkwardly. “I’m Vict- your daughter's new assistant, uh... Sir,” he nodded his head in my direction.
It was quite clear that he wasn’t used to speaking to someone like my father. I was just glad that he wasn’t speaking to him like he spoke to me. That would have been embarrassing for the both of us.
My father cautiously narrowed his eyes at Oliver. I couldn’t blame him; Oliver hardly looked like a committed member of staff. He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, to begin with. Whether he had showered or not since then was beyond me.
“Don’t let it happen again.” My father turned back to me. “This is Richard Brooks,” my father gestured his hand towards where the dark haired man was sitting.
Richard nodded his head and smiled at me. “Hello there.”
“Hello,” I said politely back at him.
“Right then,” my father smiled, “I’ll leave you to it.”
Seconds later, he’d left the room, leaving Richard, Oliver and me on our own.
I wished that he hadn’t left though because the next few seconds were the most painfully embarrassing seconds of my entire life, and it was all because of my idiot assistant.
“I bet he’s fun at parties!” Oliver laughed as my father left the room. He jumped onto the leather sofa behind him. “Do you have anything to eat here, Tori?" My name is Victoria. "I am well hungry and I ain’t had food in ages. I’m going to turn rabid at this rate.” He paused for a brief few seconds. “Or just some coffee? I go nuts on coffee, it's great. I once jumped off my mate's garden shed when I'd drunk a load of coffee because I wanted to show him that I could do three back flips in a row. I failed. It was still cool though except for the fact that my mate had a go at me. Apparently, he doesn't appreciate it when I jump on his cat... You'd let me jump on your cat, wouldn't you, Tori?” Oliver sighed. "I'm tired..."
At this point, Richard was staring at Oliver very strangely. I rolled my eyes before turning to Richard and giving him an apologetic look.
“I’m ever so sorry, he’s new.” I turned to Oliver who was taping his fingers on the arm of the sofa. “Look, you call me Miss Kingston and nothing else, let alone some stupid little nickname. If you're that hungry, there are some biscuits on the coffee table. Eat them. Oh, and don't say a word unless I ask you to.” I whispered rather aggressively.
I was extremely surprised when he nodded before grabbing a biscuit from the coffee table. It became even more unbelievable when he was silent for the next two hours. Mind you, who was I to complain? He had actually shut up, that was all that mattered.
While Richard and I were talking, I often noticed Oliver opening his mouth, preparing to come out with some cocky comment. I was quick enough to shoot him a quick glare every time he did so, eventually causing him to stop trying. It clearly put him in a mood with me, but I was actually rather thankful of that.
Throughout the next two hours, I decided that if I were to marry, Richard would be an option. The thought of marriage still made my stomach churn, but at least I'd met somebody decent. Richard was charming, good looking, kind, and he seemed confident enough.
“Yes, I am the heir to my father’s business. He owns countless amounts of stores all around the UK and there is an especially successful store in Manchester. When I turn twenty #FF0080 ">-one in four months, I will officially own the business.” Richard said proudly, which was fair enough. It was impressive.
“Wow, that is great and certainly interesting.” I smiled, “would you like something to drink? I just realised that I haven’t asked you yet. I’m awfully sorry!”
“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” Richard laughed, his grey #FF0080 ">graycoloured eyes squinting slightly as he did so, “and I will have one, please.”
He ran his hand through his hair before tidying the black tie around his neck. I was beginning to wonder why I was so adamant about getting married. I mean, Richard seemed like a good guy. Dark, tall, handsome, rich. Perfect.
I turned to Oliver to see him with his eyes shut, laid back onto my sofa. He was gently rubbing his head when I spoke to him, his eyes still closed.
“Oliver, get Mr. Brooks something to drink,” I said, smiling at Richard.
“Huh?” he muttered, opening his deep green eyes. “What?”
“Can you get Mr. Brooks a drink,” I gritted my teeth. “Please.”
Like he had done earlier, Oliver nodded. He stood up and walked over to the door, brushing past my leg. I was really beginning to like his silence now. In the meantime, Richard’s eyes had began to wonder around my living room.
He was looking at the stone fireplace at the back of the room when I continued speaking to him. In the next five minutes or so, I found out that his older brother had died several years ago, automatically making him the heir to his father’s car business. I also found out some lighter stuff like the fact that his favourite kind of music was soft rock and that he had a pet dog named Danny.
Once ten minutes had passed, I realised that Oliver still hadn’t returned with Richard’s drink. If Oliver wasn’t new, I would have sacked him a long time ago. I sometimes wondered if I needed to be a bit harder on people. The truth was that he should have, in fact, been sacked a while ago.
“Is tea all right?” Oliver suddenly appeared in the doorway, his face completely flat, “I don’t really know where anything is, so I wasn’t sure what I was doing.”
“Tea’s fine,” Richard replied as Oliver handed him a pale white mug.
“I got you some too,” he said, turning to me.
“Oh, it’s okay, I don’t want any.” I replied, not bothering to look at him.
“Can I have it?” Oliver sounded hopeful.
Honestly? Did he think I was that naive? He’d obviously made an extra drink on purpose, knowing that I didn’t want one, just so that he could have it. How dull did he think I was?
“No, just throw it away,” I replied, still not looking at him. “You had plenty of time to drink something before you got here. You were an hour late as it is. I tell you when to take a break and that is when you can eat or drink something. I'm sure you can wait ten minutes, Oliver.”
Fuck you,” he suddenly muttered under his breath.
That was the point I turned to look at him, utterly frustrated. How dare he say that to me? If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t even have a job. He’d been told what the rules were. Did he honestly think that he could just decide how he wanted to treat me?
If he hadn’t annoyed me so much, I probably would have let him drink that tea. The fact that he scared me half to death the day I met him, pushed me into a pool, embarrassed me in front of Richard, and treated me however he wanted to treat me was the reason #FF0080 ">were the reasonsI didn’t allow him to drink anything. I was just so angry with him right now.#FF0080 ">then
“Don’t speak to me like that!” I hissed at him in a tone that Richard couldn't quite hear. “You’re not here to have a good time, you know. You’re here to work for me and you will do as you’re told.”
Oliver simply muttered something under his breath and lifted his hand to his head, rubbing it again. He breathed in heavily as I continued what I was saying.
“Do you have any idea how lucky you are that I haven’t sacked you yet? If I were my father, you would have been out of this door within five minutes of you arriving#FF0080 ">or arrival.” I was beginning to raise my voice. “The least you could do is apologise!”
It didn’t surprise me when Oliver said nothing. Instead, he just carried on rubbing his head and gritting his teeth.
As the seconds passed, everything inside of me began bubbling up. Maybe I was being unfair on him, but I was just so annoyed. When Oliver shut his eyes, I'd had enough. “Oliver!” I shouted at him.
There was still no response. Oliver simply stood in the middle of the room silently and completely blank. If anything, it looked as though he was in pain. It was clear that he wasn’t planning on apologising to me.
“Oliver!” I practically screamed at him.
As the words left my mouth, Oliver stumbled slightly before suddenly falling onto the soft carpeted floor below him, the tea spilling all over my mother’s cream carpet as the mug smashed. There was a loud thud as he fell, which was shortly replaced by an eerie silence.
I froze. I’d completely forgotten about Richard until now. He quickly jumped off the sofa and kneeled down beside Oliver, gently tapping his face. Oliver’s left palm was bleeding slightly from where the mug had smashed in his hand and his eyes were completely shut. He was entirely motionless. It finally dawned on me that Oliver was completely out of it.
“Do you have a nurse or something?” Richard asked, still trying to get Oliver to wake up. It wasn’t hard to notice the anxiety in his voice.
I swallowed hard before slowly nodding. Before I knew I’d done so, I ran out of the room and up the stairs to find Ella. She wasn’t technically a nurse, but she was the closest thing we had to one.


Does he have epilepsy or something? :P

Okay, the only thing I can suggest is, the time gap, I think, should be eliminated. It would have been better if it were the next day or so. I don't know. Just a suggestion. I just feel like a week was too much to go over. 'Good job though. You made me so hooked in the story, I forgot I was trying to point out nit-picks. =) Some mistakes were too obvious though that I couldn't ignore them.




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Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:17 am
Yuriiko wrote a review...



Hello there again, Skinnykins!

Here to review.

There wasn’t a sound to be heard, it was ever so #FF0000 ">calming. That was one of the things I loved about living in a rather isolated place; it was #FF0000 ">relaxing.


I find "relaxing" repetitive already since you've managed to describe the isolated place.

"Oh, and it’s #FF0000 ">Miss. Kingston to you.”


And again with that. :wink:

“I’m Vict- your #FF0000 ">daughters new assistant, uh... Sir,” he nodded his head in my direction.


You lack an apostrophe there and too much punctuations in that dialog. :wink:

“Hello there#FF0000 ">,


Perhaps a period instead of a comma?

“Look, you call me #FF0000 ">Miss. Kingston


Strike two.

#FF0000 ">“ and I will have one, please.”


Delete the space between the apostrophe and the word "and".

He’d #FF0000 ">obviously purposely made an extra drink, knowing that I didn’t want one, just so that he could have it.


I think this would flow smoothly if you have added the conjunction "and" between those two adverbs.

“No, just throw it away#FF0000 ">.” I replied, still not looking at him.


I think you need to place the period with a comma since there is the speech tag "replied".

“Don’t speak to me like that!” I hissed at him. “You’re not here to have a good time, you know. You’re here to work for me and you will do as you’re told.”


I'm just slightly confused. Is Victoria talking to Oliver in front of Richard? If so, wouldn't Richard feel weird or awkward to see them arguing? O_o

#0000FF ">~

Oh. I'm all so intrigue about this. I love how you create cliffhangers; makes me want to crave for more. *laughs* Anyways, the story's developing more and more, especially about the relationship and the interaction between Victoria and Oliver. Opposite attracts the most, huh? And by the way, I like the pool scene, Oliver is just hilarious. He's good at making jokes and makes me smile all the time. However, I find him most of the time talkative, like the character Anne in Anne of Green Gables. Do you know that novel? *laughs again* But I'm not sure if that's even a bad thing for a guy to be talkative all the time, so no worries. I won't say much since you have written this well again. but just like on the previous chappy, there are still some errors that I've nitpicked on. All in all, this is good and I will someday read the next chapter. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. :D

P.S No worries about the monkey gift, I'll pass. Kidding. :mrgreen:

Keep writing!

Peace out,
yuri




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Sun Sep 26, 2010 4:31 pm
borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Talk about confusing. You've obviously moved your chapters around because I'm reading chappy two but these are comments for chappy one. haha.

Okay, Skins! This was a good chapter. A great one, even. I liked how she 'foolishly tripped' into the pool. Gosh, Ollie! I loved the interaction between them all.

A few things bothered me,though. First of all, the time frame. By the pool, she had fifteen minutes. SHe was thinking about arriving fashionably late. She gets shoved in (nudged ;) ), then she comes out, dries herself and Ollie tells her she's half an hour late? Huh? Did it take her half an hour to get out?

THEN! She meets Richard and decided it would be ok to be married to him? HUH? No way! Maybe you could have her think that if she were ever to seriously consider marrying, he would be her type? But how can she have a complete round-about opinion of something she's been pushing for so long?

Also, when she's at the pool, you say that Ollie's been her *unnecessary* assistant for a week, then later on you say that 'yesterday her scared the crap out of it'. As in, the day they met? The day he was in her room? Or a totally different, unrelated scare? Be good to fix this up...

And why is she so....bitchy toward him? Is she that much of a snob to people in general or does he simply bring out the worse in her?

Anyway, it ended on a great cliff-hanger and I'm off to check out the next chapter.
Hope this helped!
Tanya




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Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:49 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey Skins, I was actually going to do this review yesterday but I was so tired that my brain could not function correctly. :(
But, today's a new day. I brushed my teeth, had some breakfast so...I'm a happy camper! :D
Let's start the review, shall we?

All that he cared about his pride.

All that he cared about was his pride. Right? lol
I shut my eyes for a few moments. All my father cared about was his damn pride and look at where it had gotten us.

Repetition.
“Tori!” I heard a horribly familiar voice laughing their head off.

Their? A voice, at least I don't think, can be described as their. I find this sentence to be a little weird. In fact, I think I would just omit the last part. "Their head off" and change laughing to laugh.
Oliver held his hands up and began walking over to me “what are you doing?”

comma after me and capitalize 'What'.
Lord knows what that did to her mental health.

Ahahahaa
“It’s not too late for me to ask my father to call the police, you know.” I threatened him.

It think this would have worked better if there was a comma instead of a period.
“Right then,” my father smiled, “I’ll leave you to it.”

That's it? I honestly though he'd stick around to make sure things were going smoothly and when they were, he'd leave them to it.

At this point, Richard was staring at Oliver very strangely. I rolled my eyes before turning to Richard and giving him an apologetic look.

Wow, Ollie. You're worrying me right now. Does he really have ADHD?
Also, I'm wondering why he behaves all politely when dad is there, but with the other guy, he goes back to normal. I mean, it's strange because that guy's also rich and all.
Honestly? Did he think I was that naive? He’d obviously purposely made an extra drink, knowing that I didn’t want one, just so that he could have it. How dull did he think I was?

LOL!

Overall

Oh no! Ollie fainted. I wonder why...hmmm. Maybe he needs sugar? lol
But, nonetheless, this was an awesome chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and you did a good job keep your pace throughout the chapter. Although the part where Ollie said F.U. was bit weird. I mean, I didn't think he was type to swear over a cup of tea but then again, maybe he was really pissed at her. I don't know.
So, I'm going to keep this short and simple. I liked it, good flow and all. There were a couple things that I didn't understand regarding the characters but well, no body's perfect so I just shrugged it off. Nothing big, that's all.
Anyway, fun read, I especially liked the way you described Victoria's emotions. I mean, it's funny, how she thinks and all. Although, I do think she's cold and mean. It was just a cup of tea! XD
I would have given it to him...then again, she and I are different. Oh well! I liked the chapter!
On to the next one!

~Shear




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Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:02 am
Light_Devil! wrote a review...



Bloody hell with a side of burning hot magma; your writing style basically did a complete turn around (which, by the way, is a good thing). Oh, well. Onto the reviewing. Oh, yes, Azrael here, one of the Four Musketeers at your service, once again. :D

Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most girls my age are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!” My voice #FF0000 ">broke as I finished speaking.


Her voice broke? Why? What, did her jaw snap?

He was too obsessed with keeping all of his money to care about what I wanted.


As I mentioned in my previous review you really are laying down a thick and rather repellent layer of "no one understands me." Keep it to a minimum, please?

“All that they care about is money and their pansy little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door.


Hold on... PANSY? I... don't... I... Who in the name of all that is pure in this world uses the word "pansy"?

“Whoa, dude! Chill out!” the boy quickly sat up and looked at me, #FF0000 ">causing my hear to skip a beat. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I won’t.”


In fear? In surprise? Why did her heart skip a beat?

I'd completely forgotten about running away now, I was too #FF0000 ">mesmerized of the fact that there was some random, scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom, talking to me.


Mesmerized doesn't appear to be the correct word in this case... I think the word you're looking for is "bewildered".

He was dressed like a tramp, after all.


Uhhhhhh, I like Oliver more than anyone else at this moment in time.


Overall:
Your character is beginning to sound like a complete snob and spoiled little girl. However, I do like Oliver... though when you described him all I imagined was a 10 year old. Your writing at the start of this chapter surprised me, I think you wrote the first part naturally, but the rest wasn't at such a level. Your characters are progressing well, though I have to say this now, I hate Victoria. The plot, however, doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, though since this is only the second (short) chapter I suppose you're excused for that. Refer to my previous review for any of ther information.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.




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Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:40 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...



Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers, as requested.

On my plate there was a huge pile of sliced chicken breast and an uncomfortably large dump of mash potato. There was a mountain of colourful vegetables; carrots, leeks, spinach, green beans. It was as though a firework had blown up on my plate. The river of dark brown gravy that had been poured all over the food made it look even worse.

Made me hungry and was a very nice description. I believe this would be a better place to start the story.

“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving,” My father began. “You need to find a husband urgently; you know that.”

Why? Why does the family fortune need to rest on this marriage?

Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most sixteen year old girls are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!”

This alone makes me believe that the this should be the first chapter. Just incorporate what is in chapter one into here somehow, if you're worried about shrinking your word count.

“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily. “More importantly, why are you in my room? Why are you lying on my bed?”

I would have screamed and ran.

The boy simply continued to laugh, his eyes glistening with amusement.

When did he start laughing?

“Whoa, dude! Chill out!” the boy quickly sat up and looked at me. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I won’t.”

... I do hope you have a reasonable explanation for this random character addition.

“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire apartment. Mind you, my apartment ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his apartment with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”

I stared at Oliver, a bizarre expression on my face. What the hell was he on about? Why was he even talking to me? Especially like I was one of his ‘mates’.

Still talking, Oliver began casually strolling around my room. He had begun to talk about fruit, or something, as he ran his fingers along the screen of my computer. That was it.

I wouldn't call this normal behaviour. Not the way Oliver is acting, or the way your main character is acting. If I found a teenage boy I didn't know in my bed room, on my bed, I would not be standing around calling for my nanny. I would have ran, screaming for the guards. Because this is a mansion. And it is on a huge property. And there would be guards.

“I’m friends with his mother,” Ella laughed. “Your parents hired him to be your assistant, although he’s not doing a very good job of it.”

Assistant for what?

Extremely confused about this chapter. You started off so well. And then you threw in this random character for what looked like the hell of it. Why would Victoria need an assistant? She's sixteen years old! What is she doing that requires assistance?

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers.

On to chapter three.




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Wed Sep 08, 2010 8:59 am
chetanbhasin wrote a review...



Hi there skins! It is Chetan here. You have got a very good story here. I see it had been running for a long time, I just saw it and I think it is going in a nice way. And as far as I have read this story I think you want to make something between Victoria and Oliver.
I liked the way how you are improving with the explanation of the situations, but it would read much better if you pay a little more attention towards the personality of parents of Victoria. You have described that she hates her parents and you have described it in a good manner too but still it would be better with more detailed information.

In this chapter particularly when you start with the entry of Oliver dialogs start to seem monotonous. Say for example you are using:

“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily. “More importantly, why are you in my room? Why are you lying on my bed?”

“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire apartment. Mind you, my apartment ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his apartment with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”

As a reader I started to loose a little bit of interest in the above para. I mean, why is Oliver talking about cats and all. But it's just my view, final decision is yours.


“Sorry Vic...” Oliver paused as another annoying grin grew on his face. “I mean, madame.”

Here at the end, you show that Oliver's behavior just changed dramatically which had no reason. At least show some expression by Ella because Victoria's expressions do not seem to be working for Oliver.

Over all, you give a good impression of use of words and language. I think it is one another of your great work. I would love to read more from you!

-Chetan




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Tue May 18, 2010 3:02 pm
Sins says...



Thanks for the reviews guys! They really are helpful.

Don't worry about taking your time to review this, lily! I'm not one of those weird, strict people who cry if they don't get a review... I'm too cool for that. 8)




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Tue May 18, 2010 4:18 am
lilymoore wrote a review...



First off Skins, I'm soooooo sorry that it took me so long to get around to getting to your review. I completely forgot about my WRFF thread for like a day and then studying for finals sorta made me space EVERYTHING out!

Anyways.....I won't focus on any nitpicks because the picks have been nitted. :?

Characters:

Your MC is so, well, realistic as a teenager. The one thing that I should warn you of is that you should watch out for making her too realistic. Too much whining and moaning and pouting her lip at her parents and she'll start to seem like a pain in the bum.

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free! Ha, this kid has more pep than Pepsi! Characters like Ollie will definitely give the story a lot of energy and allow for comic relief. You already did that with him rambling about Jeff. Just don't forget. I would love to hear more little tangents like that. I'm not totally sure but it sounds a bit like something I would do.

As for your MC's dad, well, if he's such a prude and all, wouldn't he seem a little more upset by the fact that she left her food and all that laying around. *is over thinking things*

Plot:

Maddy made a good point in keeping the plot original and fresh. And you said it. "you never know"
Just don't give it away too early. The twists and turns will make people want to hold on tighter to get to the end of the story.

I hope this could have been helpful. I feel absolutely terrible for forgetting!




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Sun May 02, 2010 10:10 pm
Apple wrote a review...



Hey Skins, Apple here to finally do her review.

Grammar:Out of the whole length of you text, this was the the only problem I came across. Other then that, it was clean and full proof against commars not in the right place or anything else for that matter.

“If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so...”


I think instead of the three dots you coudl of used a dash instead eg. There we go, problem so-”

Structure:I don't really have to comment on this because I couldn't see any problems with it. I thought it was well spaced and the sentence structure and wording it it was hilarious. :lol:

MC (Main Character): Haha :lol: Hilarious. Your characters really had life, and not a lame one either. They were funny, different and well just plain old awesome! I loved Olly, he's so funny.

“Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his apartment with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”


Just darn outright hilarious!

Overall:A really excellent peice of work! I think it flowed well and had a lot of depth and meaning to it. You didn't give out information in one whole heap, instead spaced it out through the text-GREAT JOB!




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Sun May 02, 2010 9:46 pm
Sins says...



Thanks a bunch for the reviews guys!
I really need to check over my work before I post it. Fair play to me though on this chapter, I did post it at one o clock in the morning. I was too tired to do it carefully...

I'm also aware that I have capitalization problems after dialogue. I get confused too easily... :roll:

As for the I know who she's going to fall in love with, you never know. Unexpected things could happen. Or they might not happen... oooo riveting...
:thud:




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Sun May 02, 2010 9:36 pm
RayquazaKid wrote a review...



“Stupid parents#FF0000 ">.” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs.
I think this should be a period instead of a comma.
His sandy blonde hair was incredibly messy #FF0000 ">and on his feet he wore a pair of old, battered converse.
You had a doulbe space in here :P .
“Whoa, dude! Chill out!” #FF0000 ">the boy quickly sat up and looked at me.
The t needs to be lowercase.
I was pretty sure #FF0000 ">that he was joking, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable.
You were one letter too short here.

“I’m Ollie Poynter#FF0000 ">.#00FF00 ">he smiled.
#FF0000 ">This should be a period. #00FF00 ">Yay! Correct capitalization!
There was some #FF0000 ">random scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom, talking to #FF0000 ">me, and he was acting as if it was completely normal.
Double whammy. You had two spacing problems in this paragraph alone.
Ella tried – and failed – not to laugh. How dare she laugh! Some horrible, obnoxious, dirty boy had just insulted me and Ella had laughed!
She had it coming. :lol:
“You bet!” Oliver said, getting off my bed. He’d left an untidy pile of creases where #FF0000 ">he’d been sat.
What? This doesn't make any sense. he'd been sitting.

You had a few spacing issues in there, what of that? The were many different types of mistakes in here instead of many instances of one mistake (the spacing comes close to countin thought). I think it's better to not make the same mistake multiple times when it comes to making those, so... yea.
Cool, I like this Oliver character. This will be interesting to see play out. I know who she's going to fall in love with. :twisted:

Keep at it. You've got a conflict here, I'd like to see more of it! More chapters! :D




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Sat May 01, 2010 2:09 am
Maddy wrote a review...



Hey Skins, it's Madz here, as you requested.

Nitpicks:

Were my parents trying to fatten me up or something?


On my plate there was a huge pile of sliced chicken breast and an uncomfortably large heap of mash potato.

{As to avoid using the same word :) }

“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving,”


The second I excused myself from the large, wooden table, relief swept through my body.


and on his feet he wore a pair of old, battered converse shoes.


talking to me, and he was acting as if it was completely normal.


Loves
“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire apartment. Mind you, my apartment ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his apartment with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”

Perfect. :) I also adore this next part:
“Stupid parents,” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs. “All that they care about is money and their pansy little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door. “If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so...”

Surprised and slightly confused, I shot my head up. Lying on my bed was a young, light haired boy wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a baggy t-shirt. He was grinning for ear to ear.


Characters:
You've captured everyone's personality so well that I want to put your name in lights, you deserve it that much. A fussy, impatient teen, a enthusiatic, chatty boy: Awesome! I really like these characters, and a really good choice for the boy's name, too.

Plot:
So far, it's looks like you are going to do a "forced marriage, but find true love" theme. This is ok, I guess, but well overdone. I hope that you will add your own unique twist to this, and don't keep it stereotypical.

Overall:
Great work, Skins! Your writing is so beautiful it brings on relieved tears. I am always grateful you share work like this on YWS. It renews my hope in other young writers. Please, keep writing.
-Maddy




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Fri Apr 30, 2010 3:53 pm
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hi Skins. Here to review. This story is looking every good and sweet. :smt054 And this chapter was definitely better than previous one. I loved it! Didn't I mention it before? other than few mistakes, this was a smooth read. You did describe more. I knew you would come up with a nice story.


On my plate there was a huge pile of sliced chicken breast and an uncomfortably large pile of mash potato.The#FF00BF ">re was a mountain of colourful vegetables; carrots, leeks, spinach, green beans.
I am not sure about the bold words lace. i don't think this should be the word to be used.

It was as though a firework had blown up on my plate.
Loved the line. Such a good imagery.

The things that were really annoying me were my two parents.
LOL. Everybody has two parents. But if you want to emphasize then go on. :D

“Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most sixteen year old girls are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!”
You understood your reviewers' point nad finally referred the setting. 8)

I was pretty sure tha#FF00BF ">t he was joking, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable.


Normally, I’d call her and she’d be here within the #FF00BF ">a matter of seconds.


Oliver jumped onto my bed. “No wonder no one will marry her. She’d probably domestically abuse any guy that gets with her and she screams like a banshee.” the part in bolds is seriously very very funny. :lol:


“Your parents hired him to be your assistant, although he’s not doing a very good job of #0000FF ">at it.”


GOOD JOB!!!! :smt023





You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
— Squidward Tentacles