A Shot of Arrogance (Chapter Seven)

Skins! Great chapter!

I agree with Rach about having two disctintive impressions of this. Tori's point of view, and what the reality was. Nicely done. The chapter itself was great, although I really hope we learn why this guy was so bad and why on earth Ollie would antagonise him, knowing what a jerk he could be.

The thing that bothered me ? Vic was going into a strange neighbourhood, taking the bus for the first time. SHe was unsure she had the right adress, unsure of where she was going but she didn't bring her PHONE? No way in hell. I never leave without it, even knowing where I'm going, and this rich chick won't bring her own? Maybe she lost it in the fight, maybe the wacko rapist stole it from her but no way did she leave it home.

Also, a few chapters ago, Daddy Dear didn't remember hiring Ollie but she was able to find his adress in Daddy's pc? Hmmm, suspicious, I think.

Ah yes! And I believe it was Jai who nitpicked the busdriver part? Here in Canada, if you tell the bus driver that you aren't sure where you're headed, he'll let you know when to get off. I automatically assumed this is what happened. No?

Great chapter, things are really picking up.
On to the next!
Tanya

Hey Skins! Back for another review, mwahaha.
Alrighty...

She was smirking as she constantly chewed on the piece of gum that was in her mouth.

He was almost like a nastier, cockier, more aggressive version of Oliver.

“There’s more chance of me screwin’ you than your sister, Kenzie. She looks like a dog.” Oliver grinned. “Smells like one too. Tell her to try Sure, it works a charm.”

Once again, the boy's hand creeped down for the zipper on his stained jeans. I stood limply against the wall as tears splashed out of my eyes. My hair was blowing all over my red face. The faint smell of urine circled my nostrils. I felt the boy's breath on my ear. I’d given up on fighting back now; he was too strong for me. I simply shut my eyes. The boy’s hand firmly stroked my leg. His warm breath ran down my neck.

Wiping my eyes, I buried my head into Oliver’s chest. He winced in pain slightly as I felt my body shaking violently against his. Oliver wrapped his arms around me as an overwhelming feeling took over me.

Yeah, you know the general stuff I have to say here, right? Refer to every other single review I've written and you'll get the gist of it.

I don't have much nit-picks, besides you're probably as sick of reading them as I am of writing them.


Overall:
YAY! Pace is picking up. Victoria is still a snob, an injured snob, but a snob nonetheless. Oliver is... pure awesome. Honestly. Anyway, this was by far the most interesting chapter. Seemingly is right about how you should think about changing this from first-person to third person. It would suit your writing a lot better. That or include more personal information that make the story your character's own.(I am aware this review was pitiful. )

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

Hiya, Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers.

First, why/when did Oliver leave his phone at Victoria's place?

“Your stop, love.” The ruff sound of the bus driver's voice grumbled as he looked at me.

“You sure this is the right place?” he asked with a smirk on his face. “Don’t see people like you around here, babes.”

I mentally coached myself. Eventually bringing up the courage, my hand reached for the doorbell. I felt my stomach turn one last time as I pressed gently on the button. Moments later, a faint buzzing sound vibrated into my ears from the other side of the door.

I rolled my eyes at him as I grabbed the crumpled t-shirt from his hands. Placing it on the balcony edge, he grinned at me weirdly as though he wanted to laugh. Why he wanted to laugh, I didn’t know. I didn’t really want to know either.

You know, if my friends knew that I was reading a romance novel and actually enjoying myself, they'd never let me live it down. But how can I not enjoy myself, when there's so much awesome stuff happening? I agree with the others that this is one of the best chapters yet (I still haven't read all of the earlier ones, so there's perhaps a better one in the midst of those.)

Throughout this, I had two clear pictures in my head. One was of how Tori was seeing and experiencing things. The other was of what things actually were. The former you supplied so perfectly through the details you chose, and the diction and phrases, etc. The latter was a me, I guess, but you left room for the reader to fill in what was really happening. The disparity would almost be funny, if the situation weren't so serious.

I really hope that Tori goes home having learned something very, very important, and serious, and has a good thinking about the world and her place in it. She was almost frustrating in this chapter. I was beginning to get really mad at her for giving Oliver such a hard time, for pressing him for details of his life that he obviously didn't want to share. Right when he tells her it's puke, and she's just not getting it... I really wanted to reach through my computer screen and strangle her! So much!

Which is a success for you as the writer here. Means the characters are real to me, real enough to really care about them. I want to protect poor Oliver, and even though I also want to bang her on the head, I don't want Victoria to get (too) hurt either. She could use with some roughing up, just to shake away the self-centeredness, but I still don't want her to get too hurt.

So, awesome job. I just hope she has that shake-up experience soon.

Now, onto other stuff...

One, I noticed this while skimming back through: you're still tacking adverbs onto your dialogue tags, and they're really dragging down the pace, especially toward the end there. Most of them are redundant. Shouts are, by definition, loud, and your dialogue's good enough that you don't have to tell us how things are being said. So, go clip those things out!

Two, this may be a result of me being geographically lost as well as not having read all of the chapters, but weren't they on vacation in the last chapter? Didn't she find his phone in the hotel room? I imagine I'm wrong, because I sometimes start skip sentences, even entire paragraphs, while reading without even noticing that I skipped--I think it's a computer screen thing--but it might be something to clarify in the last chapter.

Three,

There was a surprised expression on my face.

“Chill out, Tori. Maybe I don’t want you knowing everything about my life. I do have my rights, believe it or not. Fair enough, I maybe shouldn’t have lied to you, but it’s not as if it’s ende-”

Oliver was cut short by the sound of shouting coming from the other end of the balcony. I heard a rough, male voice shout towards Oliver and me.#FF4000 ">You can just have the dialogue the guy shouts interrupt Oliver. The reader'll follow without any problem at all, and it'll be much more dramatic, unexpected, suspenseful, etc.

“Oi! Poynter!” #000080 ">a voice shouted loudly #0000BF ">from the other end of the balcony. “Oi!”

Both Oliver and I spun aroundto face where the call had come from #FF4000 ">that's the logical place to spin. As we did so, I saw The group of teenagers I’d noticed earlier. Except, this time, they weren’t talking amongst themselves and smoking what was most likely to be cannabis. They were walking towards us, the one at the front still shouting. #FF4000 ">You don't have to say that she 'saw' or 'heard' anything because if she's writing it, she obviously saw it or heard it or whatever. So, you get to use more interesting verbs instead, and rely on the reader's ability.

“Shit!” Oliver cursed in an aggressive whisper. “Tori, you’ve seriously gotta leave.” #FF4000 ">You don't need the tag there. It's obviously Oliver speaking, and it's much more dramatic and such without it.

I live! And...I am here as promised. Your sexy bread really got me motivated.
#FF0000 ">Red is the stuff that I'm all picky-like about.
Bold is my comments.
#800080 ">Purple is the stuff I liked. Because most people use green, and purple is just cooler.

Skins wrote:
A pair of bloodshot, tired eyes looked up at me through the small mirror at the front of the bus. The man who owned those eyes grunted something inaudible. Sniffing, he lifted his sleeve up to his nose and wiped it harshly. He then looked down at where he’d wiped his nose and pulled an extremely unattractive face. I gotta say, this man is pretty cool.
I was beginning to regret getting onto this bus. I’d found out Oliver’s home address on my father’s computer and decided to return his phone to him. Without it, there was no way he’d end up turning up for work tomorrow. Besides, throughout the past few days, I'd become very #FF0000 ">intrigued in as of where someone like Oliver lived. That sounded a little....awkwardish to me. My original plan was to take one of my chauffeurs and a car, but then I realised that it probably wasn’t a good idea. The last time I’d taken a car, my father had been angry with me for wasting it on ‘something #FF0000 ">stupid’. He’d In my mind (maybe it's just in mine, but who knows?) this would sound better if it was joined by an 'and' or something.probably class this as something stupid, knowing him.
The bus driver looked up at me strangely once again. I swore that if he didn’t stop staring at me, I’d walk the rest of the way. The bus itself didn’t even seem stable; it made this very bizarre crunching sound every time the wheels turned. Staring out of the windows, a flash of different colours rushed past my eyes.
The further we drove, the blander those colours became. The greens turned into browns, the reds turned into faded oranges, and the chic blacks turned into dull greys. I knew that the East End wasn’t a beautiful place, but I thought it would have more colour in it than this. As the immaculate buildings were replaced by terraced houses with rubbish-filled gardens, I began fidgeting anxiously in my seat. Maybe coming here was a bad idea? I thought, biting my lip.
By the time we were well into Tower Hamlets, the area where Oliver lived according to the piece of paper in my pocket- I really wasn’t sure about my decision to return Oliver’s phone. It wasn’t the cleanest of all places, by the looks of it.
“Your stop, love.” The ruff sound of the bus driver's voice grumbled as he looked at me.
Nodding, I stood up and steadied myself with a metal pole as the bus wobbled slightly. The bus came to a sudden stop as I reached the front of it.
I couldn’t help but notice the funny looks and the quiet laughter of the other passengers on the bus. One of the badly dressed teenagers slid their foot out as I was about to pass. Luckily, I wasn't a complete idiot and noticed the battered trainer on the floor in front of me. Grinning mockingly at the boy, I stood over his foot and continued walking.
He laughed behind me as I strutted forward. Pulling my hair back into a high ponytail, I headed towards the door of the bus. Before stepping off the chewing gum filled floor, the driver's voice stopped me.
“You sure this is the right place?” he asked with a smirk on his face. “Don’t see people like you around here, babes.”
Glaring at him, I stepped off the bus and mumbled, “#FF0000 ">Yeah.” That was disgusting. He must have been at least twenty five years older than me and he called me babes. Haha...he's cool. Not really, but he amuses me.
I’d been walking for ten minutes when I finally found what I was looking for. It was far from beautiful. I took the sheet of paper out of my pocket and read it carefully. My eyes narrowed as I realised that this was apparently the right place.
In front of me was a tall, extremely badly decorated block of flats. On the road that led up to the building were overfilled bins and black bags that covered an awful lot of the pavement. Maybe I should just turn back...? I thought to myself. I’d told my dad that I’d be back by nine o’ clock. I’d also told him that I was going over my friend, Emma’s, house. I wish I had gone over Emma’s house now because the feeling of this place was making me anxious.
I chuckled to myself quietly as I noticed my stupidity. It wasn’t as though there were a group of men holding me at knifepoint or anything. I laughed at my paranoia as I confidently walked forward. I was such a clichéd rich girl, but that would hopefully soon change. I’d done a pretty good job so far, in my opinion. I was in Tower Hamlets, to begin with.
Pushing the heavy wooden door open, I entered the block of flats to be greeted by a flight of concrete stairs. Beside me was a rather dingy looking metal lift. #800080 ">When my attention was drawn to a man that looked like a much worse groomed version of Santa Clause sleeping in front of the lift, I decided that taking the stairs would be the best option Hahaha...I loved that. Made me laugh.. Dragging my feet up the concrete flight of stairs, I reminded myself that I was going to have to complain to Oliver about living on such a high floor.
After painfully walking up seven flights of stairs, I finally reached the floor that I was looking for. Oliver had better offer me something to eat and drink when I reached his flat. Leaving the small block where the stairs and lift were located, I wondered out onto where the concrete balconys were. Passing every door, my eyes scanned the numbers beside them. 397, 398, 399, 340, 341... Finally. My feet stopped in front of the door that belonged to the number 342.
I was dreading the next few seconds. What if I was at the wrong door, on the wrong block of flats, in the wrong city...? Stop being such a little girl. Even if it is the wrong flat, what’s the worst that could happen? I mentally coached myself. Eventually bringing up the courage, my hand reached for the doorbell. I felt my stomach turn one last time as I pressed gently on the button. Moments later, a faint buzzing sound vibrated into my ears from the other side of the door.
Tapping the wall in a nervous rhythm, I waited until I saw the round doorknob slowly turn. There was a surprised expression on my face when I saw the person on the other side of the door. Standing in front of me was a small, almost white haired girl of about six years old.
“Hello!” She beamed, shoving some kind of round chocolate into her mouth.
“Hello,” I laughed as she girl grinned at me. “does, uh, Oliver Poynter live here...?”
The little girl turned her head to the side slightly for a few seconds as her big eyes looked me up and down. It was soon replaced by the big smile that was previously plastered across her freckled face.
“You’re very pretty,” she said, eating another chocolate button. “I’ll get Ollie for you now.”
I couldn’t help but let a genuine smile spread across my face. Partly because of the fact that I had the right flat, and partly because of the fact that a little girl had just complimented me.
“Thank you,” I smiled at her as she spun around quickly and skipped into the flat, singing.
Who the girl actually was, I had no idea. I would have thought that she was Oliver’s sister, but Oliver had told me that he was an only child, like me. She was probably a cousin or something.
I’d been standing in the doorway for a while now and there was no sign of anyone coming to the door. How long could it possibly take to walk a few steps? My questions were shortly answered by the loud sound of the little girl's voice.
“Ollie!” She yelled. “There’s a girl at the door for you!”
#800080 ">Her high-pitched voice echoed through, what sounded like, the entire building. The little girl called again until I heard footsteps nearing me. I also really liked this. It was cute AND it reminded me of my little sisters. xD
It wasn’t long until I saw Oliver’s familiar face in front of mine. He was wearing what he’d been wearing earlier, except his shirt was off and it was in his hand. There seemed to be some kind of yellowish stain on it. Oliver must have spilt #FF0000 ">something over it or something. Too many somethings! D8 Okay, so you're not as bad as I am with my somethings...but still. xD
I smiled as politely as I could at him. Oliver, on the other hand, gawked at me as though I had just slapped him across the face.
“Victoria...?” He looked slightly concerned now.
Realising that it was in fact me standing in front of him, he suddenly pushed me backwards and stepped out of the flat, closing the door behind him. Well, that was a nice welcome.
“Yes... well done.” I spoke as though I was speaking to a five year old. “I am Victoria. You’re smarter than you look! Well...” I grinned.
Oliver glared at me for a few seconds before glancing behind him, checking that the door was closed. He was fidgeting as he pulled me to the edge of the balcony.
“Are you going to throw me off or something?” I laughed at his paranoia.
“What are you doing here?” He asked me, ignoring my previous comment.
I had come here to kindly return his phone, something that he certainly should have appreciated. This place was hardly lovely to be in, and he was acting rather rudely. I was beginning to remember why he pissed me off so much.
I rolled my eyes at him as I grabbed the crumpled t-shirt from his hands. Placing it on the balcony edge, he grinned at me weirdly as though he wanted to laugh. Why he wanted to laugh, I didn’t know. I didn’t really want to know either.
“Who was that?” I asked, purposely not answering his question.
“My sister,” he replied, “why are you here?”
He was still holding my arm with his one hand as though I was his pet or something. I’d only been around him for a minute and he was already annoying me. And he called Richard paranoid.
“What happened to, 'I don’t have any brothers or sisters'?” I released myself from his grip.
“Yeah, well. I lied#FF0000 ">," he muttered, turning away.
For the first time since I’d known him, Oliver was completely silent. He was simply looking over the edge of the balcony, watching God knows what. It wasn’t as though there was anything interesting below us except for a few battered cars.
During the silence, I took a chance to realise what I was actually doing. This was hardly the safest thing I’d ever done and I knew that it was pretty stupid too. I was impressed with myself though, seriously impressed. I’d managed to make my way to Hackney on my own and I’d actually found the right flat.
As Oliver continued looking anywhere except for my direction, I noticed the rubbish that was piled up against the bottom of the balcony. Very attractive. As my eyes wondered, they spotted a group of people at the other end of the balcony. They all seemed to be teenagers and as far as I could tell, they were all smoking. I could hear the faint sound of their voices, and considering they were rather far away, they must have been talking pretty loudly. The only words that could have possibly been made out were curse words, which wasn’t very appealing. Great neighbourhood this was.
Turning away from the group of youths, I looked back at Oliver who, unsurprisingly, wasn’t looking back at me. It was so strange, he was acting so... unlike him. Mind you, I supposed that was a good thing. Not a single pointless story had started spilling out of his mouth and every few seconds, I’d notice him glancing at me.
“I’ve got your phone,” I said, finally making him look at me.
I pulled the faded black phone out of my pocket and held it out in front of him. He muttered what sounded like a thank you before taking the phone from my hand.
He didn’t seem to even think about apologising for leaving it, or asking where he’d left it, or why I’d come all this way to bring it.
“Bye then,” he said, heading towards the door of his flat.
“What is wrong with you?” I asked him, quickly blocking his way. “You are acting really weird.”
He gritted his teeth together before trying to push me out of his way, but I wasn’t moving. I firmly stood my ground and smiled sarcastically at him.
“No, I’m not.” Oliver argued. “Besides, you randomly turn up here at seven o’ clock in the evening and you except me to be perfectly happy about it? Tori, do you realise how weird you look here. You may as well be dressed in a neon green costume with a giant sign saying ‘look at me’ on it. #800080 ">You need to leave before you get mugged or somethin’.” Beautiful!
That was certainly an exaggeration. Although I understood what he meant when he said that I looked a bit out of place here. I couldn’t have possibly looked that weird though. At least I knew how to take a shower, unlike a lot of the people I’d seen here.
“I’m pretty proud of myself, actually. I managed to get myself here alive and I brought your phone back for you. You could at least pretend to appreciate it.”
Oliver sighed heavily before rubbing his forehead. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just a bit... stressed, I guess. Can you please just go now? I’ve really got to get back into the flat.”
I was thankful to see that Oliver was actually looking at me, not the floor or the wall behind me. He was leaning back against the balcony now, appearing slightly more relaxed than before.
Although Oliver was a lot more relaxed, he was still fidgeting and trying to avoid eye contact with me. He constantly kept on glancing at the flat behind me.
“What is on that?” I nodded at the t-shirt that I’d placed on the edge of the balcony. “Did you spill macaroni cheese on it or something?”
Oliver began chuckling as I stared at him, confused. When he saw the baffled look on my face, the quiet chuckling became laughter.
“Tori, that’s puke.” He smiled, letting a few laughs pass out of his mouth.
I suddenly froze in the spot. I’d touched that t-shirt... I’d ran my finger down the yellow stain on it. I’d touched sick.
“What?” I asked, wide eyed.
“My sister was sick on me, Tori.” He was still laughing.
Surprisingly, his laughter was somehow comforting. Normally, that was the one thing that really annoyed me; Oliver laughing. It must have just been the fact that it sounded a lot better than an awkward silence.
“Wait, how on earth was she sick on you? She must be six at the least...”
#FF0000 ">I knew that I didn’t have any younger siblings or anything and I didn’t have any cousins that were younger than me either, but I was pretty sure that six year olds didn’t throw up over you; it would have been impossible for that little girl to have reached Oliver’s chest to be sick on. This is all good...except I think that there could be a period or two in there somewhere. xD
Oliver once again turned his eyes away from mine for a few seconds. He then turned back at me and shrugged.
“My other sister.” He said simply.
That wasn’t what he told me a few days ago. I was discussing how I wished I had an older brother or sister so the whole marriage thing didn’t have to happen. He had the nerve to lie to me and tell me that he was an only child, as well.
“Thanks for being completely honest with me,” I muttered sarcastically, “are they the only two, or do you also have a pet lizard, or something?”
“Four brothers and two sisters altogether,” he answered casually.
Was he kidding? It had gone from single child, to one sister, to two sisters, to four brothers and two sisters. Blooming hell, his mother was certainly a busy woman.
Gaping at Oliver, my mouth dropped open. Was there anything else he hadn’t told me? Right now, I couldn’t do anything but stare.
“Close your mouth, it ain’t attractive.” Oliver winked, standing straight.
Immediately shutting my mouth, I crossed my arms and gritted my teeth, tapping my foot in annoyance against the hard floor below me.
“Do you practice lying, or does it come naturally to you?” I hissed at him.
“Chill out, Tori. Maybe I don’t want you knowing everything about my life. I do have my rights, believe it or not. Fair enough, I maybe shouldn’t have lied to you, but it’s not as if it’s ende-”
Oliver was cut short by the sound of shouting coming from the other end of the balcony. I heard a rough, male voice shout towards Oliver and me.
“Oi! Poynter!” The voice shouted loudly. “Oi!”
Both Oliver and I spun around to face where the call had come from. As we did so, I saw the group of teenagers I’d noticed earlier. Except, this time, they weren’t talking amongst themselves and smoking what was most likely to be cannabis. They were walking towards us, the one at the front still shouting.
“Shit!” Oliver cursed in an aggressive whisper. “Tori, you’ve seriously gotta leave.”

Yo, Skins. Sup? Ah, the chat language.

So here I am again, on request, because nowadays I don't do random things. Anyways, onto a review, and I hope that I am of some serious help. I wasn't going to go line by line, but as others hadn't done so, I decided to go on for that.

A pair of #4000FF ">bloodshot, tired eyes looked up at me through the small mirror at the front of the bus.

I’d found out Oliver’s home address on my father’s #0040FF ">computer and decided to return his phone to him.

The greens turned into browns, the reds turned into faded oranges, and the chic blacks turned into dull greys.

I’d also told him that I was going over my friend, Emma’s#0000FF ">, house.

Oliver had better offer me something to eat and drink when I #FF4080 ">reached his flat.

It had gone from single child, to one sister, to two sisters, to four brothers and two sisters. Blooming hell, his mother was certainly a busy woman.

Hey Rabid-cat owner,

I agree with Dreamy about a lot of things...like, for example, the continuous use of I's, and the fact that this was one of the best chapters of this novel that I have read. Probably my favorite. Alright, so on with the review...

I like the way you introduced Vicki -too lazy to type out full name >.>- to Ollie's neighborhood, you captured the difference in both their worlds perfectly, and the pervy bus driver bit fun to read. I sense a bit of character development here within Vicki, as the Vicki in chapter one would rather have walked through a raging volcano instead of getting a bus to the East End. You also really surprised me here, especially with Ollie's life, and the siblings suddenly appearing. Brilliant cliffhanger, although I do have a mild rebuke being that: You are still using word tags...they hinder the flow of the story and take the readers attention from what is going on. Your characters voice is strong enough without them.

Hey,

So I have to say this was my favorite chapter. It was just amazing. The descriptions were good, the dialogue was believable, I really liked this. I didn't really notice anything wrong.

~Jas

P.S. Niiiiice cliffhanger there.

P.S.S You have to post the next chapter. Like now.

Skinsy! I don't know why you say this is bad... I'll be honest, I think I liked this chapter the best. That said, I'm more of a sci-fi /horror girl than a romance type, but still.

I do actually have some nitpicks, though.


I don't feel like picking them out individually, so I'm just gonns put in your whole chapter and put my little nitpicks/comments in red.