A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter Eleven
My eyes darted back and forth between Ollie and the little boy, who I assumed was his brother. Unlike the one enticed to the television, that boy was calling Ollie and tugging frantically at the bottom of his shirt.
“Hang on, Finn!” Ollie hastily, but carefully, pushed the boy off him.
Finn’s lips pouted and he immediately stomped back towards the sofa, crossing his arms as he sat down. He must have been glaring at Ollie for ages because when he finally placed his phone back into his pocket, Finn was still doing so.
The second Ollie did remove his face from the screen of his phone, I remained silent, standing in the room as though I really shouldn’t have been there. I shouldn’t have been there. I began chewing at every nail on my hand until my fingers were practically bare.
Ollie turned to me for the first time in a while.
“Uh... I’m really sorry about this, Tori,” he said, although his eyes were on his mother. “I’ll drive you home now, just, uh, hang on a minute.”
I nodded my head mechanically, what remained of my fingernails still in my mouth.
“Finn, Ryan.” Ollie sat on the coffee table, facing the sofa. “Come on, it’s time for bed.”
Without giving the boys a chance to protest Ollie picked up Ryan and reached his hand out for Finn to grab it. He wasn’t having any of it though.
Ollie gritted his teeth, Ryan still in his arms as he told Finn to follow him upstairs. While all of this was going on, I did nothing but fidget awkwardly. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at the young woman who was lying limply on the sofa.
“Fine,” Ollie muttered, “I’ll be back down now.”
Leaving Finn on the sofa, still pouting, Ollie ran up the stairs with Ryan. As he disappeared upstairs, a thousand butterflies erupted in my stomach.
What was I supposed to do? What if Ollie’s mum woke up before he came back down? Maybe I could have just walked out and left a note explaining that I’d gone or something? No, I was being immature. Besides, Ollie wouldn’t be long. How long could it take to get a child into a bed?
Almost ten minutes had passed, and I began realising how long it could take to do exactly that. I was so silent within those ten minutes, I was beginning to wonder if I was even breathing. It almost didn't feel as though I was here, merely watching everything unfold in front of me. I certainly didn't feel right here. I should have just left, even if it meant taking the bus home.
“Who are you?” A voice made me jump.
I turned to the door at the back of the room to see a young, dark haired boy holding a carton of milk. He was looking at me strangely, as though he’d been observing me for a while.
“She’s Ollie’s friend,” Finn replied eagerly before I could say a word.
His sudden burst of happiness made me feel oddly more comfortable. He hadn’t said a single word since Ollie had gone upstairs.
“Wha’? He’s back?” The boy asked, placing the carton of milk onto the floor quickly.
Finn nodded. “He don’t even care that mummy’s back from holidays though, Charlie!”
I was going to have to start writing these names down.. . Charlie concentrated on me, tilting his head to the side. Did I really look that weird here? Everyone who saw me seemed to stare at me for a frustratingly long time.
Taking his eyes off me at last, Charlie turned to his mother. They soon returned to his younger brother, who was now on his feet.
“Has Ollie gone upstairs, mate?” Charlie asked. Once again, Finn nodded. “Uh, okay. Don’t wake mum up, I’ll be ba-”
His voice was drowned out by thundering noise. All three of us turned suddenly to face the stairs and saw Ollie running down them. Each pounding step reverberated until he reached the bottom.
I noticed Charlie shoot him a sharp glare. What I noticed even more was his eyes then jolting in my direction. Rude or what?
“I’m hungry!” Finn’s voice made all of us jump. “Can I ask mummy to get me a sandwich?”
“No, don’t wake her up, Finn. Charlie will get you one now, okay?” Ollie replied.
Without an ounce of hesitation, Finn skipped towards the door Charlie was standing by and opened it. Charlie gave Ollie one last glance before following Finn into the room behind him.
I noticed that both my feet were facing the front door before I lowered my head and sighed. Giving me a brief apologetic look, Ollie bent down beside the sofa his mother was lying on and faced me for a moment.
“I really am sorry about this,” he mumbled, rubbing his neck. “If I’d ‘ave know about this, I woul-”
“Ollie, it’s fine,” I reassured him, trying to hide any ounce of anxiety in my voice.
He gave me a weak smile before turning back to his mother. I shuffled towards a small chair that was beside the television as Ollie gently shook his mother’s shoulder.
I’d have sworn that I was in the middle of a game of Russian Roulette. I was patiently waiting for something to happen, anything. The faint taste of the fish and chips I'd previously eaten was on the tip of my tongue, but now it was a lot more sickly than before.
Ollie was shaking his mother more violently now. As though she was a teenager on a school morning, Ollie’s mother began stirring, mumbling a few random words. I’d moved on from my bitten fingernails and was now chewing on the sleeve of my shirt.
A minute had passed until Ollie’s mother was completely conscious and sitting up on the sofa. She had a somewhat lost look in her eyes. I was wondering if she actually knew where she was.
“Hello, darling!” she suddenly beamed, “how are you? I haven't." She hiccuped. "...Haven't seen you in ages!”
A broad grin spread across her face before she squeezed her arms around Ollie. To my surprise, she didn’t have a cockney accent. If her words weren’t slurred, her accent would have matched mine.
"Have you done something with your hair?" Hiccup. "Have you?" She began kissing every part of Ollie she could possibly reach. "You're a handsome boy, you are."
Immediately releasing himself from her grasp, Ollie jumped up, his entire face twisted. Pacing back and forth a slight bit, he began rubbing his arm.
“Where the hell ‘ave you been?” I could hear that he was angry now. “I’m okay with you leavin’, but not for over a month and not without tellin’ me! Somethin’ could ‘ave happened to you and I would ‘ave had no idea! You’re frickin’ lucky that Ella and Jeff’s around to look after the kid’s when I’m in work,” he muttered. “I just... somethin’ could ‘ave happened to you...”
I was beginning to wonder who the parent was by now. While Ollie continued rambling, it was obvious that his mother wasn’t even listening. Instead, she was twirling her hair with her fingers, giggling and hiccuping every so often. Her eyes wandered aimlessly around the room.
I knew very well how much Ollie cared about his mother, but the reason why was becoming more vague every second. His mother had extremely irritated me. There was a thick line of smeared mascara under her eyes as well as patchy, red lipstick over her thin lips. Her cheeks were a blushed red. I doubted she'd used a make-up wipe in a while.
I knew she had trouble with depression, but that was excuse for leaving her six children, excluding Ollie, in a house to fend for themselves. Ollie's mum was pretty darn lucky that she had him to look after the children, that was for sure. It was unbelievable. She’d disappeared for who knew how long and she hadn’t even come back with a valid excuse.
Once Ollie had finished rambling, his mother stared at him, her lips pouted. She gracelessly stood up, leaning on Ollie for support.
“Okay, okay.” She hugged him for the second time. “I’m sorry." Hiccup. " Darling, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry.”
Out of nowhere, Ollie’s mum began sniffing and before I knew it, there were tears running down her red cheeks and onto Ollie’s chest. She kept on apologising as her sobbing continued.
I’d never seen anyone behave like that before. The way she slurred her words and suddenly broke down scared me. I didn’t even want to think about how Ollie felt. Smeared make-up and clothes aside, by looking at her, you’d have never thought she was the kind of person to have gotten herself into a state like this. Her pale lips were parted into a relaxed smile and there was the odd freckle dotted over her thin nose. The long blonde hair and kind looking eyes just didn't match up to a woman you'd have expected to see tripping over street corners with a bottle of vodka in her hands. The young woman's clothes were a slight exception though.
On her legs, she wore a pair of jeans with huge tares in them. Whether those tares were supposed to be there, I didn't know. I doubted it. There was a rather pointless black strand of clothing on her torso. As my eyes lowered to her feet, I noticed that they were bare. Her heels were covered in harsh cuts and dark purple bruises. I quickly turned away.
Although her make-up was messy and her clothes were hardly even there, she was obviously an extremely pretty woman. In fact, her petite features made her look like nothing but an innocent child. Observing her clothes, it was almost as if she was trying her best to hide everything natural about her. She was a very fresh faced woman and shared the same soft features as her eldest son. Their deep green eyes were an exact match.
I’d never imagined for Ollie’s mum to look like that. I’d had an idea wedged into my mind that she would be rather old - which she certainly wasn’t – and look a lot... uglier, I supposed, than she did. The way she dressed was what I expecet though. Plus, my predictions on her personality were matching up well, so far.
“I’ll help you to your room,” Ollie sighed, unravelling himself from the grasp of his tearful mother. “I’ll be back now,” he said, turning to me.
Grabbing Ollie again, his mum began humming to herself as he basically dragged her towards the stairs. As she was being led up the stairs, she often tripped over a step, soon followed by a giggly oops.
Moments later, Ollie and his mother were gone. I was on the edge of my seat as they went upstairs. I was half expecting Ollie's mum to fall down the stairs. I glanced at the front door. The temptation to just get up and leave was radically increasing.
Silence. That was something I was slowly growing to hate. Right now, I wished more than anything that I hadn’t been so naive and agreed to come on this stupid day out with Ollie. To begin with, I was clearly in the way and I just felt wrong being here right now. I wasn’t thick; I knew that the situation around me was something sensitive and definitely family related. Nothing to do with me. If only I could have ran out of the door and kept on running until I got home.
The kitchen door handle made me jump out of my seat as it turned suddenly. The door opened to reveal Finn and Charlie, almost an entire bread roll splattered around Finn’s mouth.
“Has Ollie taken my mum upstairs?” Charlie asked as he picked Finn up. I simply nodded. “Oh, good. Are you staying ‘ere tonight or somethin’?”
“No!” I replied a bit too hastily. “Uh, no. I think Ollie’s going to take me home once he’s...” I tried to think of what to say. “Sorted things out.”
“All right, cool,” Charlie said, heading towards the stairs. “See you around, I guess.” He began walking up the stairs with Finn still in his arms before turning back to me. “Victoria, ain’t it?” I replied with a quiet yes and Charlie smiled. “Your eyebrows ain’t tha’ scary. I guess Ollie exaggerated.”
Ollie was lucky I was on good terms with him at the moment, that was for sure. What else had he told his siblings about me? The thought was genuinely frightening.
That gut wrenching silence soon returned, but thankfully, it was short lived. Soon enough, Ollie was back downstairs. The both of us stared at each other then, completely unknowing of what to say or do.
“Is everything all right now?” I eventually managed to whisper.
Ollie dropped himself onto the sofa, exhaling heavily as he leaned back. He responded by giving me a silent nod, something I’d seen a lot of this evening.
“Don’t get pissed off... but is it okay if you wait a few more minutes before you go home?” Ollie sighed, pulling his legs up onto the sofa. “I don’t really wanna leave the kids and my mum ‘ere on their own... I texted Ella and she said she’d be here soon, and that were a while ago now. She’ll probably be willin’ to take you home.
Even the thought of seeing Ella made my heart leap hopefully. I felt like I needed to bring back some kind of normality.
Ollie then did something I’d never seen him do before. He rubbed his temple with his index finger and squinted his eyes shut. I’d never seen Ollie cry before, but I was beginning to think that I would soon. When I thought he was about to break, he suddenly relaxed his eyelids and breathed in and out heavily, eventually reopening his eyes.
“Bloomin’ hell, where’s Ella? I could ‘ave walked to your house and bought a donkey by now.” Ollie tried to joke, but it wasn’t hard to notice him trying to hide any trace of emotion he had.
I smiled anyway, just to make things feel a little less awkward. It didn’t help much at all, but it appeared to convince Ollie that I hadn’t noticed the strain in his voice.
I was relieved when minutes later, his eyelids began to flicker. Moments later, they were shut. All that I needed now was for Ella to knock on the door, take me home, and then I could pretend that only the first half of today had happened. My prayers were soon answered when I heard a soft knock on the door. Standing up, I trudged out of the room and into the porch area.
Part of me was wondering if I should have woken Ollie up to answer it, but it was the only time he’d looked relaxed since we’d been in his flat. I didn’t want to be the one to wake him up and remind him of what was going on.
Opening the door, every part of me that could have possibly smiled, smiled. Ella followed me into the living room as I explained every single thing that had happened. Once I’d finished, she more or less told me how insensible I’d been, which was fair enough.
I heard my voice croak sometimes while I was explaining what had happened, especially when I mentioned Ollie's mum. My mind kept running over what I'd seen, unsure of whether to believe it or not. Maybe I was being naive about it. Of course there were other people who got drunk like that and maybe she wasn't as bad as I'd perceived her, but after having such a relaxing day, every single thing that was happening right now felt extreme.
Why did everything good have to come to a chest tightening end? I stood up out of my seat, hopefully showing Ella that I really wanted to leave now.
“How long has he been asleep?” Ella asked, nodding at Ollie.
“Not that long, no more than five minutes, I don’t think.”
Ella stood up and quietly walked towards him, stopping when she reached the sofa. I watched her as she sighed and softly ran her hand through his hair, leaving her palm on his forehead for a brief moment. Ella kept her eyes on Ollie as she took a set of keys out of her pocket. “Come on then." She turned around to face me. "I better get you home. If your parents ask, you’ve been to my house, okay?”
Happily agreeing to her terms, I hastily followed her towards the front door. A part of me was insecure about leaving Ollie alone with his family, which I knew was pointless because that was what he did every day anyway.
I was about to step out of the flat when I paused briefly before asking Ella to hang on for a minute. Turning back around, I jogged back into the living room and grabbed a piece of paper that was on the coffee table. Someone had scribbled over it with coloured pencils or crayons. I picked one of them up and hurriedly began writing with it.
Don’t worry about work tomorrow, just make sure you sort things out here first. Even though it didn’t end as well as it could have, today itself was weirdly fun. You were right about the fish and chips.
I paused for a brief moment.
Tori x x
I folded the paper up messily and placed it under a tea stained placemat. I stood and stared then.
I didn’t have a clue how eight people lived here, it seemed bizarre. The flat was small, not big enough for a load of children, that was for sure.
Then there was my house.
Ten bedrooms, six bathrooms, and two living rooms. All for three people. I laughed bitterly at the thought.
In Ella’s car on the way home, I almost fell asleep. If it wasn’t for the millions of thoughts parading around in my head, I would have been out like a light.
When Ollie had told me that he had to look after his brothers and sisters, I struggled to believe him. I assumed that his mum must have helped out at least a small bit. After tonight, I realised that it wasn’t just his siblings that Ollie had to look after. I looked on the bright-side. For the first time today, at least I was driving in a car that wasn't travelling at eighty miles an hour.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
The only problem is that after I've had a break from writing and started editing, I swear I forget how to write or something... That's why I'm on the fence a bit about this chapter. I don't really like it... I could do with a lot of you guys' help.
Hey Skins, I'm here for my review. Although I think everybody above me already covered everything I see, grammar wise. Lucky me : ) No, just kidding.
First of all, I love this, it's great and so is your writing so there's not much I have to say. The characters were all different in their own way, and you prooved that very well. On characters, maybe try to describe their looks just a bit more, think about how you change daily ( hopefully : D ) so do characters. Just a suggestion.
Sorry I wasn't of much help, but I can't wait for the next chapter!
- Jessica
Oh gosh, I feel like an IDIOT. xD I had this finished, but turns out I didn't hit submit. >.> I hit 'save' again. Ahahaha...oops. I hope you haven't edited since I finished it or anything.
I could repeat myself, but you already know what all the colours are Rhino. Or I should hope anyways. Let's see here.
Well, Since I've taken on the new approach of splitting things into groups of paragraphs (Because it jumbles my brain less than my old method. >.>), here I am. And I don't have much to say here other than that Ollie's got himself a handful. And poor Tori, feeling like she doesn't belong and all that stuff!
Heheheh...Things must be a bit awkward for Tori here. Poor thing. I smell discomfort! Lots and lots of precious discomfort. Don't worry Tori, we all know how that feels.
Is this kid yet another sibling? Ollie's loaded with munchkins! Loaded I say, loaded! But little people can be cool, even if they do drool and whine lots. Anyways...I'm going to get back to the actual review now, if you don't mind.
Rude? Yeah, I guess so! So, since you leave me with practically nothing to say every time I do...erm...this...I will say this: Ollie's gonna wake up Ryan by making all that racket! Then again, what kid falls asleep that fast? Pfft...nevermind.
There was a bit of choppiness (if that's a word. If it's not, it is now.) here. Not a ton or anything, but there is a bit. The red stuff seemed a little jumpy, and it was worded a bit awkwardly. Nothing that a few phrase/word addition/deletion can't fix though!
Ahaha...I'd be a little worried if my mom starting talking about me like that and kissing me. This amuses me Skins, it really does. Tori probably feels even more awkward now. I know I would at least.
I like Tori's reasoning here. I'd be wondering why Ollie cared as much as he did, too. But he does care, which is always nice.
That is a big hunk of purple there Rhino! The main reason I sacraficed my anti-highlighted-giant-bits-of-text-in-purple rule is because I wanted to say "Yay for the anti-stereotype!" Every time I read a book, people who get drunk are...well they just usually don't look semi-normal. They're either butt-ugly and completely contorted or uber-sexy. (Which, if you ask me is retarded.) Nobody ever has NORMAL looking drunk people. All of the people I've seen that are drunk look semi-normal. Minus of course, the exhausted, smeared makeup thing.
They're also usually cold, mean people. Ollie's mom doens't quite give off that vibe. Yay for you!
Well, technically she could have. She just didn't. Anyways. You seem to be much better than me at balancing emotions and description. Yours doesn't turn out as a big mess! This I must congradulate you for. There's the perfect amount of Tori-irritation/discomfort here. It makes me smiley. 8D
I'm running out of comments for these things, as you may be able to tell from their uselessness. I must say, Ollie should stop talking behind Tori's back. How rude and utterly high-schoolerish of him! Tut tut!
I wouldn't want to leave them home alone either. But when you think about it, it would be odd to hear somebody saying they didn't want to leave their parent home alone. Total switch on the balance of thing.
Here she comes to save the day! I liked that bit, right there. Yeah. That last part I quoted. It was cute. Maybe even adorable. Ollie's finally starting to show a bit of fatigue, which I was waiting for. He's a busy guy after all.
I like the 'bingle' typo, very professional. Looks like something I would do. Anyways... You never really struck me as the run on sentence type Skins, but that's okay. We do, after all, all have a few of those things. (No matter how much I hate them, I can't seem to avoid writing them.) I feel sorry for Tori...still. That would be sort of scary. =/
I'm disapointed. Not in you, but in me. Because apparently I am unable to find any nitpicks in that. How pathetic is that? I know, pretty sad.
Okay, so we all know that I never write these things out to be very long, so enjoy what little I do. Or don't enjoy it I guess, it all depends.
Anyways...
Unlike me, you seem to be able to avoid melodrama very, very well. For me, that's like... amazing. So good job on that then!
Just one other thing I have to say is that you like to use 'ily' words... a lot. 'hastily, messily, ect...' That and nearer to the end of the chapter, you started using 'as' a lot again. Not too much, but make sure you don't slip back into using it every three sentences or so. :p
I still love Ollie, because he's very epic-like.
And other than that, there is nothing to say for me in here.
P.S. I hope that my lateness isn't too horrible. I also hope you didn't edit it since I actually finished the review! That would not be good for my health. I still can't believe that I did that. >.> Maybe I should start double-checking these things.
Hey Skins. I know you thanked me for the review, but somehow I think it was a futile one so I would try my level best to come up with something important here, since I owe you so much.
Pouting? Stomping? Well, it very well does create the picture of the brother, but some more words which could show his dismay would be better. Don't go by me, though, I'm going too much for descriptions these days.So onto the review:
In the previous chapter even, I saw two times you used 'Ollie jogged'. Sure he must be athletic but every time using the same action seems kind of awkward. For me, here the word is unavoidable, but you could go back to the previous chapter and swap jogged for something other.
As he was removed just seems way too weird to say in a normal routine. Even if a story about ninja or assassin, I guess that you should be using simple thing like 'As he disappeared out of my sight', or 'As he was no longer within my sight' or something like this would suit more apt here. What you wrote just seems to be so weird, stops the flow of the sentence, which I think in the later part is quite interesting.
I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at the young woman who was lying limply on the sofa.
I liked this sentence a lot.
It would be good if you italicize the word 'why', since it would create a special-effect.
I would say this blue part was totally scary. Not in bad sense, but it didn't come out as anything. There was a great confusion with the wording here and I just felt it to be too weird or informal to fit in here. Anyways, I'm too confused looking at it, that I don't think there's something which is going to come out of me now. So, just re-consider this sentence. Fine?
Laugh Out Loud! Seriously, Ollie saved himself.
'The both' is something we don't use quite often, and as far as I'm informed I guess this isn't all right at all. You should take out 'the' from here.
Reopening just doesn't seem to be good here, girl. It is way too weird again, and I haven't heard someone say anything of this sort.
Hmm, there is one thing which I noticed even in the last chapter of yours.
Brother's would mean something belonging to his brother, right? And I don't think that is what you want to imply here so it has to be 'brothers'.
Fine then, this was a great chapter, to begin with, like always. There were many things that got sorted out here, and the mystery about his mum still continues. Overall, I liked the set-up you created here and the way you progressed things. I would just like to say that it seemed all too well-planned and it is unlike my planning. So that's a good thing. It seems that you do have a good idea of where to move with it, and how to progress it. it didn't seem rush to me, and the dialog were quite well-polished. If I see on the whole, I don't think there were much problems, but two-three which are really important. So just watch out as I blabber about them.
Repetition.
This is one scary thing about the whole novel and especially your writing. You tend to repeat some words quite often and the worst part of this is that they appear to be repeated in simultaneous chapters. Like two three chapters before you were quite obsessed with the word 'baffled' and it appeared in two continuous chapters. Now the word fascinating you is 'jogged'. As I count, I noticed that you used this word in total in the previous and this chapter four times. so, that's not quite encouraging, I guess. You ought to find more words, and sometimes going with simple words like 'walk', 'ran' won't be a big harm. Actually not a harmful at all. And the next thing or actually a dialog that I've noticed a lo is 'Blooming hell, Tori' by our great Ollie. It might be his one-liner for always, so it's not a problem then, it might just be his habit. In a way, it's good to have a tagline for a character since it distinguishes him from others. Anyways, just felt that I should tell you and I hope that it's his one-liner and not your habit of repeating words. It's a minor mistake, as I think I have told you before but this is very important at the same time. So just keep this in mind.
Wordings/Choice of words/Sentence Formation
No offence, but in this particular chapter, I felt that some words were quite forced and they didn't make sense at all. Also, at some places the sentences too seemed forced and it just made me go 'what does this mean'. But don't worry, I have explained about such problems in my line-by-line review, so you could go back and read them. I might not have something extra to say here. But there's another thing that is not restricted to this piece of yours, or this novel in particular but the writing. You have had a tendency to use 'was sat' a lot. And I don't even remember the number of times I have told you that it seems wrong. It might be a way of saying things where you live, but quite frankly in any novel or where I live, i haven't heard people saying this thing like this. So, it is kind of vague, but you could just work out on it, and it's not a Math theorem. So it isn't that tough, for sure.
The biggest problem I had in this chapter, which I think should have been the spotlight or should have been taken care of very carefully was this: Ollie's mom didn't appear drunk to me from anywhere.
By this, as Rachael has already said, I mean that she was just a lady who had returned from somewhere after long weeks' absence and is totally drunk. The totally drunk part just comes from what Tori told us, not from what Tori showed us. Sure her words were a bit slurred, but that was again what your MC told us, nothing was shown to us. We're hungry for some 'I-am-drunk' scene. You could have added a lot, and for example you could have told us how she walked when Ollie too her upstairs. I would have surely like to know how she walked up with Ollie's support and how her face looked. There was actually no description of his mom. I wanted to have that. What was she wearing? How her face looked? Was she fat, thin or medium-sized?(not much important) So now you get that the basic thing was missing here and it should have been shown.
Hmm, I would like to mention the fact that I am in love with your dialog. I want to go over them again, and I literally start acting like the characters. I even sort of do a play while reading this. So, it is that good. Right now I am not sure how their love is going to blossom, because it is chapter-11(oops, 12, since you added a new chapter-4) ans still nothing. Surely you showed romance between Richard and Tori, but I think you're so wrapped up in Ollie's family problems. I don't want you to chunk off any part, though. Just think of everything and I think it's going to be quite an adventure writing it and as well as reading it.
P.S. Congrats for getting this featured!
P.P.S. Don't stop posting or else my parents would have to sue you for my death.
Oh my gosh! This was amazing. I didn't think that I would read it, but I did and it was worth it. I was pulled in by every word! KEEP POSTING!
Keep Writing!
Nike
This was really good! And I swear that if you stop posting chapters I think I might just cry! Lol, but seriously each chapter is getting better and better. Please dont end it! Anyways, good job and keep writing!
Sierra
MORE I NEED MORE!!!!! haha this is amazing, you had me hooked from the first chapter, and now i'm hanging on a cliff! keep writing!(: its great, it really is!
If you don't keep posting, you're gonna have one very, very sad Rachael on your hands. (Even if I have been AWOL, a fact for which I apologize immensely. I lost my critiquing mojo, but I found it, and thus, I'm back!) Though I just read the spoilered section and I guess I could deal with that, too. Just as long as I keep getting chapters.
I've read 9, 10, and 11 through, and I enjoyed them all. What I'm gonna say for this chapter applies more or less to all of them, but if you like, I can go review all those in more detail too. Oh, and in typical me fashion, with the added addition of rustiness, this is going to be all over the place.
The others got some of the typos and such. In terms of what happens, though, this is one of my favorite chapters. It's stuffed with potential to be great.
I think you're getting hung up in some areas, though. Your dialogue's great, and the action is great. It's not so much in this chapter, but you also move time really well and very naturally.
In fact, I guess I sort of see three main modes for Shot. You have the instances where you're moving time, saying what happened, summarizing, etc. There was more in Chapter 10 (which I'll go review about soon because there's something I want to bring up specifically) but I guess there's some here in 11 too...
Anyway, you also have the action/talking sequences, where characters are doing stuff, in other words. Walking here, walking there, looking at this or that.
And the third mode is Tori's reflection and thoughts on things. It's this mode where I think you should look to change things a little. You have a tendency to drop into "telling" the reader stuff. Like... here, in the bold:
What about how drunk she is scares Tori? I didn't even get the impression that the mom was that drunk. And why suspect that she'd never get that drunk?
On one hand, you are definitely on the right track with Tori thinking and mentioning things like this. On the other hand, it's something I want to see. I don't write or read first person, so I'm a little up the creek with this, but you need to find a way, I think, to convey all that to the reader without just saying it. Describe the mom more, and what she looks like--and what she's doing that's so frightening, besides needing her nearly-eighteen-year-old son to take care of her and her entire family.
More importantly, the same thing goes for how out of place Tori feels as she's standing there. Which is a fantastic detail that really shows how much she's changed. She's not demanding that Oliver take her home right then. She's waiting patiently, and being understanding. (Empathy from Tori! Imagine that!)
But, I think what's rubbing me wrong about it is how clearly Tori's able to put what she's experiencing into words.
Which brings up the Fatal Flaw of First Person. Is this a) actually being written down at a future date, or diary style, to where Tori would have time to reflect on and understand the events or b) not the above case, and more or less happening with the reader's cooperation to overlook the "logic" of first person?
I suspect you're going for the last case, which is perfectly fine. Readers are more than willing (me included!) to accept the fact that Tori is not actually, physically writing this--and that you, the author, are using Tori as a narrator, etc, etc, etc. It makes for good storytelling, really, because it's so easy to slip into a first person novel and read along. You really get in the head of that one character.
But that means that in this case, the thoughts of Tori need to be the thoughts of the moment, not the clarified thoughts of later.
In other words, you have to represent the idea of her feeling like she's intruding in a way that seems less...clearheaded. Maybe ground it in some more action. You mentioned her biting her nails, but what else is she doing? Just standing there awkwardly in the hallway? Backing up to the wall? Trying to shrink away? Does she catch herself moving toward the door and make herself stay?
You do a fantastic job here...
That sentence above shows us an urge that Tori has. An urge that makes sense. She's scared. She's uncomfortable. She wants far, far away from there. And it's the sort of thing that another character in her place would have done in a heartbeat--just gotten the heck out of there. And thus you have a neat little character moment.
In short, If only I could have ran out of the door and kept on running until I got home. is a heck of a lot more interesting and insightful to read than Ollie’s mum scared me.!
The trick's for the reader to know exactly what Tori's feeling even if Tori doesn't know what she's feeling. Does that make sense? I'm feeling like I'm articulating this clumsily.
Another area where I noticed this particularly is the ending. First, what's going through Tori's mind sort of just drops out of the picture once Ella gets there. Which is fine, if Ella really does make her feel instantly calm, but I kind of want to see Tori being more concerned about what she just saw right then. (Though, her leaving the note made me smile. Awww.) Also, the last few lines... they were a very mature observation on her part. Which she is capable of, I guess, but on the other than, in the last chapter, she was talking about how not ready she was for marriage and how pathetic she was. Either an interesting character tidbit on your part or an opportunity for one.
Hmm... maybe you could just use one of those ending thoughts. And make it sound sort of sleepy? Or I guess you could even make it into a Tori-ism. Some remark she makes as a joke or offhand that the reader'll nonetheless get something out of. Just an idea.
I'm not done with this review yet, but I want to post it so you have something. But I feel like I've been all vague and unhelpful, and so I guess it's at least worth reminding you that I
1) love this story (despite my romance-disliking self)
2) that if you don't give me more... I'll... I'll... sick my avatar on you!
3) you've got so much fantastic material to work with
Eventually I'll figure out what it is I'm thinking about it all. For now, I gotta sleep. More from me in my tomorrow, but if you have any questions or the like, I'm there by PM or Wall message or whatever. You know the drill.
Rach
Hey Skins! I'm here to review, like what else? lol
Well, I don't have much nitpicks, sadly. I know, you're so upset that I don't have any nitpicks that you're probably crying right now. Haha.
Anyway, I found this chapter so sad and bittersweet. Poor Ollie, I feel bad for him but I'm having a hard time wondering how in the world he takes care of them all. How much does he get paid for being Tori's assistant? Hmm, when you mentioned the thing about his mom's accent, I suddenly thought of something. Well, not really something, but I just heard a click in my head, though I can't put any real piece together or anything. It's just something that stood out to me and maybe you're going somewhere with her character. If so, I'm quite interested.
Why aren't you going to post the chapters anymore? Don't! Keep posting them D:
Otherwise...I'll have to spam your notifications! XD Just kidding. But yeah, keep writing because I really want to know what's going on. Plus, you had mentioned something about a twist so I don't think I'll be happy if I never find out what happens in the end.
Setting that aside, this chapter was nice. I mean you introduced the mother, got some feeling between Ollie and Tori, yet they're still bordering on that 'friendship' line. Hopefully that changes
So, yeah, I'm sorry for this unhelpful review.
PM me if you need anything, cheers!
~Shear
Hi Skins!
I'll try to do as good as one as you did for me. 
I'll try it, shouldn't be too hard.
Red is for spelling errors. I didn't know if I should of took out the miss spelled ones or not.
Blue is for comment.
Orange is questions.
Green is for opinions.
I can't believe I haven't read this before! It's great!
May I ask what year this is in?
I know this wasn't that good, but I'm glad you came to me.
Hope I helped some!
Jungle
muttered. And I'm not sure what you meant for the last word. Down?
Skins! I have no other nitpicks. I loved this. I love this side of Ollie and I'm sorry he has to go through all that. I think I would have liked having Tori try to help out, but I'm not even sure about that.
It was a great chapter, my eyes were glued to the screen. I really hope you won't stop posting this, I really want to find out what happens. I love the difference she now sees between her house and Ollie's. She is changing. For the better.
Great job, nicely done!
Tanya