Published December 26, 2007
Carly was a nice friendly girl until her sister Samantha was born. This was her story. I Carly was 6 years old at the time when my mother found out she was going to have a baby. I thought "Yeah I finally get someone to play with". But that wasn't how it turned out to be. When mother gave birth to Samantha I was ecstatic. But when mom and Sam came home she never spent anytime with me. All I was being in the way. So I kept the jealousy inside of me because i didn't want them to know I was jealous of my own sister.
So the next morning she tried to take us to the store but when Sam started to cry she just took her home and i had to go. But everytime I cried when I was little she made me go anyway and that is when i said something, "HEY! Why whenever Sam cries you take her home but whenever I cried you just took me anyway?"
"Well you were all I had back then." Mom said.
" This isn't fair! You never do anything with me anymore. You don't even tuck me into bed anymore!" I sobbed.
" I am so sorry that i haven't payed any attention to you Carly I was just all caught up with the new baby." Mom replied.
"Well can you try to notice me once in a while?" I asked
"Of course now that we are all settled." She said.
The next couple of years were pleasant and i was happy by that time I gave up the jealousy and went on with my life.
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138,556 Literary Works • 672,161 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
You have based this story around a really common emotion - jealousy. Most kids have a similar reaction when a younger sibling enter the picture. They feel left out and alone and they start resenting their sibling for stealing all the spotlight. You presented this aspect of a child's life very well in the story. However, it falls short in really making us feel the emotions.
The main reason for that is the lack of emotional connection with the reader. Ever since the beginning of the story, we are told that Carly was a good girl until her sister Samantha was born. But how can we believe that statement when we have never been shown any instance of Carly's misbehavior. Its like you are telling us what she should believe and what we should believe, but what the readers really want is to see for themselves, to understand the character and feel the emotions along with her. That is what this story lacks - the emotions.
We had conflict here but its like we skipped to the conclusion without ever really getting to experience the process of reconciliation. Carly confronted her mother about not paying any attention to her but we never got to see how her mother resolved this matter. She admitted her fault, but we never saw them work towards a better relationship. As a result, there was no character growth and the story ends almost abruptly without the satisfying development we were looking for.
Here are some other detials:
It took me quite a while to figure out that the narrator was Carly. The beginning was quite confusing because you kept switching between third person and first person narration. Try sticking to one.
All I was doing, was being in the way.
You need to add a period after 'Carly'. Otherwise the sentence just goes on and it doesn't make much sense.
Again, add a period after 'happy.' Also, this ending was seriously anti-climatic. Try expanding on it and showing how Carly got over it, and how she was feeling.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Double post.
**LOCKED**
Hello there Gothgirl01. ^_^
I could go over spelling and grammar errors in this, but I'll leave that for another time. (Try re-reading this a few times to spot them yourself; proof-reading is a vital skill for a writer.)
Rather, I think the best piece of advice I can give you here is: show, don't tell. For example, in this story you tell us that Carly is jealous of her baby sister:
This is emotionally unengaging. Showing us Carly's jealousy (and why she's jealous) would be far more effective. This could be done, for example, by writing the scene in which Carly's mom first neglects Carly in favour of Samantha, prompting feelings of sadness and rejection from Carly, which could manifest in some way (such as Carly misbehaving/for attention). By showing us these things, the reader would be able to better understand - and more importantly, feel - the jealousy of Carly.
Of course, the scene I suggested was just that - a suggestion. This is your story, and as such, how you go about showing Carly's jealousy is up to you.
Keep on writing.
-- Sureal ^_^