Wrath of a Grecian Moon (3)

The very marble archway Apollo and I stood under was the very place I had scurried away from on four legs for the first time. These memories flashed through my brain, mixing the present with the past.

These memories flashed through my brain doesn't really fit in. I think replacing brain with 'mind' and flashing with 'flickered'. These memories flickered through my mind sounds a little better.

I stared straight ahead, trying to hide the blush that was creeping along my neck and onto my face. The silver tents blew noiselessly in the soft wind, their white flags fluttering gracefully in the foliage.

Both sentences sound odd together. It almost sounds like you described the same thing twice, when really, all you did was describe two materials flapping in the wind. Try re-phrase that so it becomes a little easier to understand.

Rianne, a higher ranked Huntress stood with her hand on her hips and her face barred in a hideous sneer.

I had been under the impression that Arian had been the highest ranked Huntress before her expulsion from the group?

Even with my back facing him, my eyes lids grew red when he flashed up into the sky to continue his duties as the Sun God.

I think this image is a little to hard to understand. Also you have used this line previously and it made me confused just as it did now.

All in all, a lovely chapter

Once again brilliant. I am beginning to envy your slower but more intense writing style.

I agree with much of what Bickazor has said in his very long and thorough critique. (Good effort on that by the way.)

However with

Nothing is black and white, Artemis. There isn’t just good and evil. We’ve learned that with me,” I said, “Artemis, if anything, there is only the deepest shade of gray.

I'm certain i know what your saying. And unlike Bick i think i know what the general plot will be.

Whether you change it or not I'm sure it will be good.

Hi Silversun, here's my review on the next part.

He wouldn’t be allowed in, but I needed him by my side.

It feels like an "although" is missing from the beginning, and I'd suggest activating the beginning as well ("They wouldn't allow him in").

Seeing the place I had been exiled from brought back horrible memories from the night of my cursing. The very marble archway Apollo and I stood under was the very place I had scurried away from on four legs for the first time. These memories flashed through my brain, mixing the present with the past.

This entire paragraph isn't quite effective. It's awkwardly phrased and a rather vague as well. Though I know we're supposed to be feeling pathos and sympathy for Arian here, I'm not really feeling much of anything. It's just lacking in that crucial, visceral, level of emotion. This would be better with a little flashback inserted; it doesn't have to be longer than a paragraph, but would give a greater sense of immediacy to Arian's emotions.

“We cannot delay,” Artemis called impatiently, leaning against a Redwood a hundred feet ahead of us.

I've seen "Redwood" capitalized before and I wonder why. The tree itself (which is indigenous to California, I believe--so is this story set in California, or in Greece?) isn't capitalized, but if you're trying to emphasize that the tree is special, then the capital is fine.

It felt so hard leaving him like this.

Meh, this is veering into over-the-top territory. Worse, it's hammering in a point which you've already made more subtly--Arian doesn't want to part from Apollo. No need to say it again so obviously.

I heard Artemis make a noise in disgust.

What sort of noise of disgust is it? Get specific, there are quite a few noises of disgust. Does she snort? Hiss? Go "tch"?

Even with my back facing him, my eyes lids grew red when he flashed up into the sky to continue his duties as the Sun God.

This is the second time you've said something about "eyelids turning red". I don't understand the image at all; it's making me think of her getting pinkeye or her eyeballs bleeding or something along those lines.

Immediately I felt utterly alone.

"Immediately" and "utterly"--see the problem? I've noticed, throughout your writing, you tend to have a preponderance of adverbs. It's best to use as few of the pesky things as possible.

now I could only barely hear their whispers of words.

"Only" and "barely" mean the same thing; pick one, or better yet, find a way to rephrase the sentence without an adverb.

I stared straight ahead, trying to hide the blush that was creeping along my neck and onto my face.

Why would Arian be blushing? I don't really understand what she has to be embarrassed about. Nervous, yes, and apprehensive, but not embarrassed.

The silver tents blew noiselessly in the soft wind, their white flags fluttering gracefully in the foliage.

This will be the last time I'll point out adverb abuse here. You can catch the rest yourself. Ask yourself if all these adverbs are really necessary.

We made our way to Artemis’ main tent. It was obviously the largest and inside the very nicest. My old tent, the one just next to the main tent was empty with all of my furnishings stripped bare. On the contrary though, Artemis’ tent was full of life and character, from the antique paintings to the pelts of the rarest creatures ever to walk the earth. I’d always loved this tent and somehow it seemed like the least hostile place in this camp for me.

You do give a vague description of the inside of the tent, but it feels lacking somehow. The paragraph is a fairly long one, but feels substanceless--it's stuffed with vague, woolly, abstrac terms: "Very nicest", "full of life and character", "the least hostile place". The only concrete images we get are "antique paintings" to "pelts". You've already shown that you can describe characters' appearances quite in depth; apply that some sort of description to the tent. I want to be able to picture it.

and Artemis donned her throne

"Donned" means to "put on", as in an article of clothing. I've noticed you've misused words before; all I'll say is if you're not sure what a word means, then err on the side of caution and don't use it.

The richness of this room would’ve been overwhelming for me once

Sorry, can't resist rephrasing: "The richness of this room used to overwhelm me". It says the exact same thing, but in much fewer words. A first draft is supposed to be sprawling and messy, so I'm not going to rag on your case for that, but make sure that subsequent drafts are much tighter.

talking hunting strategies or girl problems with Artemis

I giggled aloud at this--it seems a perfect characterization of Arian and Artemis, and in fact the Huntresses in general. It's very naturally the sort of thing a group of female hunters would talk about.

Oh, how that voice drove me crazy.

Once again, I have to warn you against excessive casualness. It's almost insulting in this case.

I turned, knowing who I would face behind me.

"Behind me" is unnecessary. The fact that she's turning around already implies that the speaker is behind her.

and her face barred in a hideous sneer.

"Barred"? I've never seen that image used in a conjunction with describing a person's face before. It's better to say something along the lines of "twisted" or "distorted".

Her toned, full body reminded me of the fact I was too skinny.

"Of the fact"...*twitch* You can just say that it reminded her that she was too skinny, no need for the excess words.

I knew it, and knew it wasn’t that attractive, but I had little desire to eat in wolf form, and when I was a human I always spent my time with Apollo, never pausing to think to eat. He would occasionally mention it to me, telling me I looked sickly, and even though that comment hurt, I never felt hungry.

I'm glad you're acknowledging that skinniness does not automatically equate attractiveness. However, I'm a little nervous about her not eating around Apollo; it speaks of a level of infatuation that's frankly veering towards the unhealthy. It'd just be less creepy to say that she wasn't the sort of person who liked eating.

I would get so frustrated I wanted to snap, but Artemis told me I was not allowed to. Artemis saw something in the girl that I did not.

The repetition of "Artemis" is jarring. You can just say "she" the second time.

I had a few reasons why Rianne hated me so much. Jealousy was the main issue, I believed. As Commander, I had many powers and abilities that the other girls did not possess. Besides Artemis, I was the most powerful person in the camp. Rianne never accepted that fact, claiming that I barely possessed anything at all. I never showed my true strength around any of the girls, unless it was a dire situation in a hunt. Still, since I never exercised that true power around them, I wondered if I understood the powers I had at all.

This paragraph flows a bit awkwardly. The "I had a few reasons" and "main issue" phrases make it read like an academic paper, not lines of prose. The narrative voice becomes formal, almost stilted, here, ruining the flow. Also, you keep repeating "powers" without really qualifying what they are. If you're giving Arian vague, undefined powers that could be an opening into Mary-Sue-dom. Define her powers strictly, and please avoid the "unknown powers" trope. A character who has few powers but their own wits and abilities is much more compelling than a godmodding Sue.

The next paragraph also has the same overly stilted problems. "Mental processing"? It doesn't click well with Arian's more informal tone in the rest of the story.

The dark underlying tone said it all.

What dark underlying tone? I think you mean Rianne's, which should be "her" dark underlying tone. Actually, I don't like the usage of "underlying" at all. Remove it and you'll have a smoother sentence.

“Duly noted,” Artemis replied calmly, “You are fully dismissed.”

Ouch, it appears Artemis is an adverb abuser! The "replied calmly" and the "fully" can both be removed. I especially don't understand the "fully dismissed" because it makes me wonder how anyone can be not fully dismissed. What, there heads stay behind while the rest of their bodies walk away? It's just a very odd image.

The words had an unexpected effect on me.

More stilted formality. I've been noticing a lot of this, and in conjunction with the loose casualness your narrative tone takes sometimes, makes for a very awkward and disjointed read. Strive for consistency in tone above all.

Her statement, of me being a mongrel, I could certainly not deny and it gnawed at me like an unreachable itch.

You really don't need the "of me being a mongrel" because she already said the same thing just a sentence before. The repetition makes it seem like you're insulting your reader's intelligence.

I do like the simile at the end, though; it's a nice image and very easy to sympathize with. Everyone's had an unreachable itch before, so it helps connect us to Arian even if we've never been through her exact predicament.

I growled and it sounded fully wolf.

Though there isn't anything gramatically wrong with this sentence, it would have more impact if there was a dash or colon somewhere to emphasize how wolf-like her growl is. "I growled--and it sounded fully wolf", for example.

Now, with this power, I felt that again.

Feel "what" again? As far as I'm aware, the "that" doesn't have an antecedent, so it seems rather random.

I do like the surge of pride we're getting from Arian. I've noted before that Arian seems to be quite a proud person and I'm glad you're exploring that, with almost a dark edge. It gets the reader feeling a tad conflicted about her, because we may sympathize with her predicament, but recoil from her almost smug pride. I can already sense that Arian's pride is going to be her fatal flaw.

Maybe it was being in the camp that triggered it, or maybe it was the fact I couldn’t lose them once I had them, but the powers Artemis had once blessed me with were pounding through my veins with unparalleled clarity.

These vague powers are starting to annoy me. Just what do they involve? So far I haven't seen anything supernatural from Arian, except transforming into a wolf and that doesn't have anything to do wiht her powers.

“Nothing is black and white, Artemis. There isn’t just good and evil. We’ve learned that with me,” I said, “Artemis, if anything, there is only the deepest shade of gray.”

I don't quite understand where this is coming from; it feels rather random. I get the faintest inkling of what you mean, but it's not enough. You haven't segued effectively enough into Arian's statement for it to really mean anything. It's almost like you were just hunting around for something dramatic to finish the chapter with.

Oveall thoughts:

The first thing I noticed about this chapter, and what bothers me most, is the tone. Or rather, it way vacillates. At times, it's almost insultingly casual; other times, it gets as formal as a school paper. It's very disarming and made the chapter rather difficult to read. You need to strive for a consistent voice; you've been doing fairly well with Arian's voice in the earlier chapters, though it was a tad distant. In fact, it seems like everyone's talking more formally in this part than the others. Tone and voice are some of the most difficult things to write, but absolutely integral to a good story. If you're inconsistent with your tone, the reader has difficulty getting a feel for not just the characters but the story as well.

I also noticed a profusion of adverbs, bloated sentences, and redundancies in this portion, more so than in the previous ones. It's coming across as if this chapter was hard to write for you, which I perfectly sympathize with: some chapters are a breeze to write, others are like slogging through mud and tar just to get a sentence finished. Some judicious editing should take care of all the awkward phrasings and inconsistent tone.

So far, I haven't gotten a good sense of the story's plot yet. There's the conflict between Artemis and Arian (which I love, by the way--especially with your depiction of Artemis, which shows her not as the evil harridan I'd have been expecting but as a betrayed friend indeed), but that's clearly not the central conflict. What is? There's some vague mentionings of this balance of power and a dark creature and shades of gray, but it's all so incredibly cloudy that there doesn't seem to be a sense of immediate danger yet. It's fine to start without much conflict (just be sure to at least hint at a major conflict), but by the next chapter I'd like to see some signs of something greater happening besides vague talk and thoughts. There's no sense of immediacy, but I think that there should be, especially given the way you've been talking about the balance of power and how it's being upset. That should have dire consequences, but so far doesn't seem to.

I do like your characterizations here, especially of Arian and Artemis. As I've said before, I love how your depiction of Artemis is not a one-dimensional creature of jealousy: she's sad, genuinely broken-hearted that she had to give up a friendship, but strong enough to stick to her guns in breaking up that friendship. I can see her as a leader and authority figure as well as a former friend and a jealous sister. She's very realistic and well-rounded, and this soon in the story too. Arian, too--while I was nervous about her powers (which I felt are tilting towards the Mary Sue), I really like her proud personality and the hint that her pride may well be her downfall. She's also very multifaceted, which helps her seem more like a real, three-dimensional person. I believe these characters, which is the most important task a writer has when creating characters.

Unfortunately, I don't believe Rianne. So far, she's just the stereotypical "Libby"; a rival exisitng only to make the main character look good. She has no reasons for her hatred of Arian and no personality besides hating Arian. Maybe she'll get a more three-dimensional treatment later; however, for certain you can't keep her at her current cardboard cutout level of characterization. Her character is very off-putting, especially since you've shown yourself capable of some very masterful characterization.

Finally, keep in mind skjold's advice about following the established myths and such. The names are especially ringing alarm bells for me--"Rianne" and "Arian", as far as I'm aware, are not Ancient Greek names, which is jarring when you're clearly setting up a mythological world.

Best of luck in your endeavors, and PM me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns. ^^