They say the world is shrinking
But you’re still as far away
Because as I watch the sun sink softly
Dripping below the west horizon
You can sit alone, on a sandy beach,
And watch the sun rise softly east
It’s a whole different reality from me to you
But I’m that one little link
Chaining you back to the world you changed
Where in a small town in a small state
Where small people do small things
I’m here.
Separated by twelve hours and countless miles
I know we don’t stand a chance.
Any feelings you had that lit me up
Are already flickering and fading into your old life.
Goodbye my friend, good day, good night
My sun is gone, and as I weep with the stars,
May your day be bright with Australian sun.
My best friend and "like" (since we didn't love each other but had feelings or whatever) went back to Australia after a year in America. This is dedicated to him.
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This was a lovely little poem, and I liked the simple but expressive language. Unfortunately, when I first read this through, it didn't really register as a meaningful poem until I read your author's note. I think if you were to include more vivid imagery, it would help since right now, your imagery is a bit on the nonspecific and vague side.
Another thing you might want to look at is the punctuation. It's a bit inconsistent, and the lack of it confused me in some places as there was no clear indication of when a new idea/sentence began. Having proper punctuation would help clarify the ideas in your poem and make it easier to read.
Hi,
This is a lovely tribute to your friend. I love the opening line, it really drew me in. I'd put "a" before "sandy beach" as I think it sounds more natural. The music of the last two lines of the first stanza is great.
I love "where small people do small things". I'd try for a half rhyme again at the end of the stanza like you have in "beach" and "east."
I'd change; " I know we don't stand a chance
Any feelings you had that lit me up
Are already flickering and fading into your old life"
as the first of these lines is cliche and I'd try for something more concrete and visual in the next lines, maybe tying it back to the world getting smaller and the sea.
Hope this helps,
Jas