Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Once, upon a dusk so dreary,
A man lurked in the dark alley
To hunt was his intention,
Though without typical prey.
But he waited in desperation-
Determined to have his way.
Once upon a night so stormy
A man found his chaotic thrill
A young girl cloaked in red,
Who was alone in the truest
With no sign of dread
Whose heart seemed the bluest.
Once, upon an eve so weary
A man stripped of pride pounced
In pain the girl cried out,
But he muffled the sound-
Though she tried to breakout, She was shoved to the ground.
Once upon a blackness so lonely
A wounded heart departed
He abandoned the scene
With crimson stains to his soul
Yet his conscious laid clean
For he had paid no toll.
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140,296 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
This will be very short for one of my reviews because it's touchy for me, okay?
Let's begin! First off, this is amazing! I loved the flow of it, but a few parts chopped for me, especially the longest part, "Though she tried to breakout, she was shoved to the ground." I think this was meant to be split up, but it wasn't, so that could use a bit of revision.
Next, I loved how the crimson of blood seemed to mock, yet combine with the crimson of her dress. The imagery is very clear that the two were meant to be linked.
Lastly, I wanna point out that this hit me in a way you may not understand: "The world is a spherical shit-hole and nobody is stopping it."
Overall, 9/10 stars! Great job!!!
~Ghostie
Hey:
I really enjoyed your work. I could actually feel what i was reading. My favorite part is how you styled it. Plz continue with your work. You are doing well and i would change nothing about your work. It was like nothing i have ever read before so thank you for making this first time great.
ZeldaIsShiek here for another review of dramatic poetry, finally! I finished my test an hour and a half early, so why not? Anyways, let's jump right into this!
The first thing I really liked about this was that your poem really felt like a murder scene from the very beginning, and it really ended up being something like that in the end. I think that the feeling of dread you give your readers while not giving away the true intent of the writing is an ingenious attempt at 'hooking' the reader on the very first line. I think your writing was very skilled, and I hope to learn from you and review more of your poems soon.
The whole 'dark alley' feel really gave this poem light, despite it being so dark-themed. For example, the line where you state that the man walks away with a crimson tainted soul makes the reader feel physical, referring to blood, but then also shows them a glimpse of pain and actual sympathy for the killer! I found this an ingenious technique that you incorporated so well into this work of genius poetry.
Anyways, that was the review. Thanks for writing more, so I can review more. ZeldaIsSkiek- out! :3
Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed my piece. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time to respond at the moment, but I wanted to be sure I did get a response in.
Okay, thank you.