Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
A fine young thing, Miss Adeline Rosabelle
In her storm cloud eyes
A fatal encounter lies
And to her we must say our goodbyes.
Goodbye to Miss Adeline Rosabelle.
~
Down the street walks Miss Adeline Rosabelle
In a drizzly, dark eve
A hard tug on her sleeve
And into the alley she stumbled and heaved.
Farewell to Miss Adeline Rosabelle.
~
Pushed to the wall is Miss Adeline Rosabelle
A knife to her chin
The world starts to spin
And a cold shiver shocks her from within
Aufwiedersein, Miss Adeline Rosabelle.
~
Fallen to the dirt, Miss Adeline Rosabelle
Struggled too hard
It pierced too far
And fate has now played its last card
The last card for Miss Adeline Rosabelle.
~
A fine young thing, Miss Adeline Rosabelle
In her storm cloud eyes
A fatal encounter lies-
It fades.
...
Goodbye to Miss Adeline Rosabelle.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey SilloriaD, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:I really enjoyed the flow of your poem, all building up to the end which is classic and fresh. You've also picked a topic that's entirely unique in itself (who is Miss Adeline Rosabelle?) It sets it apart from the rest because it's your own thing, and one can really try to tag it with others.
The imagery you've built is a bit vague, which is great because it allows the reader's mind to take over and build the scene for themselves. You've give just enough info to lead them on, and they'll do the rest. From your first four lines, we would be confused as to the outcome of things. Perhaps a friend wants to talk to her? But then your consistent ending of each stanza with a farewell to this Miss Adeline Rosabelle makes it very clear that this is no friend to her.
The whole thing has a nice bounce to it, moving from one stanza to the next, right up to the end, and I felt the length of this piece was spot on.
Negatives:
This stanza, for me, was a bit out of place and redundant. I already know that she's going to be killed because of the two previous stanzas, so repeating that fact here and furthering the scene one more step just seems too slow and repetitive. I want to learn more about this mysterious but obviously important character of yours, but you've masked her over with random bits about how she's dying, again.
I feel it would be good to have some commentary on what she was like, and why we should even care about here at all. And that brings me to the other thing that I didn't like; how are we supposed to know who she is? The fact that we have no connection makes her death seem impartial and not worth our time. Sad, but not important. Changing that around coudl be good.
I give it:
Hey there! clogs here to review!
In regards to formatting poetry, this article goes through a couple of methods:
How to Format Poetry
Now, onto the actual review:
Like the previous reviewer, I felt like some of the rhyming was clunky. Everything looks like it should roll off the tongue, but it just doesn't. For instance, in the repeated phrase:
the second line has too many syllables. It's forced. In rhyming poetry, everything has to fall into place and be spot on, or else it just feels like you're cramming words where they don't belong, and unfortunately, this poem suffers from that to some degree. Now, the rhythm in the second stanza is lovely. I urge you to hold to rest of the poem to that standard.
As a narrative poem, I'm not quite sure that this really tells enough. To me, the plot seems to be this: A young woman is walking down the road, and is pulled into an alley and murdered. It does have the plot of a narrative poem, but I don't feel any sense of characters or setting or any other literary elements. Who was Adeline? What was she like? Where did she live? When? Why was she killed? I think that adding a few stanzas with information such as this would enrich the poem, and give it more depth as a narrative poem.
I do feel like this was trying to play off of a certain narrative poem whose name escapes me right now, but I do remember it used repetition in a very similar way. Since I knew nothing at all about the character, the repetition of her name didn't really do anything for me. Also, it's not quite a name that rolls of the tongue. I think the last syllable in Rosabelle might require too much emphasis for it to work? I'm not quite sure.
I think that's about it. I hope this review helped, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Hey! Kazey here for a review!
So this was a little dark, but I liked it. I don't think the rating is necessary- it could easily be just a 12. However, the language used is very lovely. I love the refrain throughout the poem, and the almost repetition of the first stanza in the last stanza.
With that, we move to my first negative- namely, there are no stanzas. Stanzas make it easier for a read to, well, read, and it's clear this poem was written with stanzas in mind. Did they not come through on publishing? I use tildes to separate my stanzas so that the spacing doesn't disappear. I guess you could probably just type a space as well...
Just one other thing. Sometimes the rhyme seems a little forced. Don't worry, I struggled with this too, but sometimes it's best to go back through your work and just change any clunky or weird-sounding phrases.
Anyhow, that's all, so thank you for posting!
~Kazey
Hello!
Thank you for your review of this piece. I'm not sure what happened with my editing, but this originally did have stanzas- you can assume where the cut offs would be. The rhyme was a little forced in what would be the second to last stanza, I'll admit, but I refused to change the way I ended the stanza, so until I find better rhymes, it is what it is.
It wasn't allowing me to have a blank line between stanzas, so I've found a temporary solution.
It isn't the best, but I suppose it will work for now.