z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Chapter Four: Finding A Needle

by SilloriaD


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"So I couldn't find a quote yet, sue me.Feel free to suggest one in a comment or review..."

-SilloriaD

Chapter Four: Finding a Needle

Some things were quite the same at the Benard house- the routines, the mannerisms, even many of the hybrids... And, of course, my habit of being late. When Richard and I arrived at the doors to the dining room, he paused and listened. "Shit!" He cursed under his breath. "We're already late. And there's gonna be consequences... Oh, but why worry about that now? We're here, at least. Now, are you ready?" I nodded, steeling myself for the trouble that was bound to occur tonight. He smiled mischievously and pulled the doors open wide. With a grandeur bow to the room's occupants, he took a breath and spoke loud and clear. "Announcing the lovely and talented Miss Rebecca Einhard!" The room remained silent as I stepped in gracefully behind him. My family stared, looks of disdain clearly painted upon their faces. "Man, rough crowd." Richard grumbled before taking his place against the wall by the entrance. I quickly took my seat between Adrian and Mother, who was eagerly waiting to pounce the minute I appeared.



"And it's about time, too, Rebecca." She scolded me with an irksome tone. "If the young man from Austria had arrived on time, you'd make an awfully poor impression. Think of your future, child!"

"My future? What does some uppity Italian aristocrat have to do with-"

Father cut me off. "Enough about that, he'll be here any moment now. We will discuss this matter later, and in private."

As if on queue, Richard clapped to gain our attention. "May I present a humbled guest within the Benard home- Marcel Lettiere of Italy!" The hybrid bowed deeply yet again and proceeded to open the doors. A tall, lanky young man in a white dress shirt strolled in and bent sharply into a respectful bow. He sauntered over to the empty seat across from me and eased himself down. His eyes met mine- curious, mischievous, even. "And you, my darling, must be Rebecca. A pleasure, my dear. An absolute pleasure."

"My, my, Mister Lettiere! We've only just met and you're being quite informal with me. How...pedestrian of you." I smiled, trying unsuccessfully to hide my venom from the strange man.

"Well, I wouldn't say it's entirely abnormal, is it?" His smile was genuine, like a flowery meadow from a fairy tale book. His eyes twinkled with mischief as he gazed upon my form. "Things tend to go rather quickly for people of our standing, and we are in quite the rush." He laughed as if there was a clever joke I was meant to get, but the rest us us were crickets.

"I'm... I'm sorry? I don't think I understand. Am I missing something here?" I eyed him suspiciously. He stared back for a fraction of a second before turning to face my parents.

"You haven't told her." It was a blunt statement, not a question. Clearly, he knew something. "Unbelievable! I gave you people months, and you try to rush to the wedding without ever telling Rebecca what's going on?! You did nothing to prepare her! Disgraceful. And you call yourselves part of the grandest family in this realm."

"We always planned to- we just never found the right time-" Mother stammered in objection.

"Enough." Marcel sighed, and then his gaze came back to me. "Forgive me, Miss Rebecca. I had hoped to give you time to get used to the idea, but apparently that couldn't be done. When we were both a few years younger, our parents made a marriage contract for us. I was made aware about a year ago, but..." He shrugged helplessly as my mind whirred. "I know it's all a lot, but I'm certain you'll come to accept it."

I stared at my plate blankly. The silence spoke volumes, and I could've heard a pin drop from a mile away. "Well then..." I sighed, pushing away from the table. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr.Lettiere, but I will not be marrying you. When I become a Benard, officially, any contracts my family has made will no longer apply. I will be making decisions like that on my own time, and on my own terms. Thank you for your time, and I'm sorry it was wasted." Gingerly, trying to maintain composure, I stood and began to move towards the door. "Now, if you''ll excuse me, I think I'll return to my rooms."

Marcel stood suddenly, bumping the table and causing it to shake. "Allow me to escort you, Miss." He spoke with such an urgency that I almost wanted to let him. "It's only gentlemanly."

Almost.

"I assure you, Mr. Lettiere, I've has enough... gentlemanly actions to last a lifetime. Yours will not be necessary." I nodded to Richard and he strode to my side. Yes, this was right. Not whatever my parents had hoped to accomplish. "Goodnight, everyone. For your own sakes, I'll ask that you not disturb me." Briskly, I turned and left the room. We walked on in silence for a time, but it was not to last.

"I know you're quite aggravated and all that, but you really should have seen this coming ages ago. It's simply natural course for the better off. They picked your brother's wife, too. Sometimes I wonder if nobles have nothing better to do." He fell silent for a moment, expecting a response, but my mind refused to create any sensible retort. I was still completely lost within my own head. Who the hell did they think they were?! Those imbeciles, picking my future out like a set of drapes!

"Who do they think they are?!" My foot reflexively stomped as I vocalized my frustration. Richard gently touched my arm.

"As we've established, they're your parents." His voice dripped with sympathy. I hated it. My fist clenched and my entire body tightened at the sound. I looked to the ground as the tears dripped down my face. Then it hit me.

"Not for much longer." I laughed bitterly and stormed off towards the library. There was a moment of pause before I head Richard scurry after me. I did not slow my pace. ideas flew through my head like kites through the sky. "I'll find a way to take those exams sooner- some loophole, a special condition... there's bound to be something. I'll read every book on magickal law if I have to! You'll see, Richard- first I'll end their tyranny, and then..." I paused outside the library doors and turned to him abruptly. My voice was a soft whisper as I spoke now. "And then I end the enslavement of the hybrids. Just think Richard! To finally be free to see the world, just like you've always wanted!"

He just chuckled at me and ruffled my hair. "Perhaps. But, first, we've got a lot of work to do. Let's get to it, shall we?"m He pushed open he door and we entered the most heavenly room in the building. The walls were lined with shelves upon shelves of books. In the modern age, very few had such access to such extensive reading material. Magick-kind had desperately been trying to cover up any proof that our own history had occurred. Any writing of the era was destroyed as a result- all except what had been protected within these walls. "The magickal law books should be over there." Richard pointed in a direction and I practically ran there as he sat down at a table near the back. It didn't take very long to find a few volumes pertaining to the issues at hand and joined him at the table. I barely noticed him reach for one of the smaller selections as I began reading intently. I must've been scanning those pages for several hours before I noticed his frustration and looked up. He looked completely helpless.

"I can hardly read any of this..." He yawned loudly. I could tell that his eyes were bloodshot from the strain of reading so late into the night. "I guess I'm not much help, am I?" He chuckled dryly, clearly unhappy with his own abilities. I reached across the table and touched his hand lightly.

"I want you to go get some sleep, Richard." I smiled as he began to protest, but I shook my head. "You've been more than helpful tonight. Go get some rest. I'll expect to see you tomorrow." he started to stand up, still unsure of whether he should stay.

"Are you sure you'll be alright here? There are some real creeps around here right now... And I don't think that Marcel fellow is going to give up any time soon." He glanced to the door.

"I'll be fine. You just go relax. Use my room tonight. If anyone says anything about it, say you were under direct orders from me." My voice revealed how drowsy I truly was, but I kept pushing. "And that is an order, Richard. Off you go now. I have studying to do." I buried my head back in the current publication. I could only assume he was doing as told when the door creaked open and closed. I read for hours upon end, taking detailed notes that looked akin to chicken scratches. I could understand them, though, and that's what mattered. Slowly, my head began to nod off as I fought the inevitable rest my body craved. As I neared the end of my fourth volume, I could no longer struggle against it. My eyes closed and my head lowered to the pages below, and then there was nothingness.

     Thud!

     My eyes fluttered open in shock. My head was pounding and my eyes squinted up at the lights on the ceiling 

     Hang on. How the hell did I end up looking toward the ceiling?!

     With a start I realized I had fallen out of my chair and was now splayed across the carpet. I eased myself up, trying to be as gentle as possible. As I squinted about, I almost wish I hadn't woken. I noticed something quite off-putting. On the other side of the table sat a particularly frustrating Italian, looking rather smug. "I'll give credit where credit is due, Miss Einhard. Trying to throw me off the trail was very clever. I went to your rooms this morning to find that hybrid of yours leaving. He told me you had not come back to your rooms. It was odd, since he practically never leaves your side, but the distraction was well done. Of course, on the other hand, the very first place I assumed you'd be was the library-"

     "Yes, yes, very impressive, Sherlock." I hissed. "Now do us both a favor and take your skills of deduction elsewhere. The dames back home might be impressed, but you're just making me irate." I stared him down, but he seemed indifferent. 

     "You will be marrying me, whether you like it or not. Eventually, you will fall for my charms and beg me to be your husband." He pressed on, attempting to worsen my ire- and, unfortunately, it was working. "And you will either come home with me to Austria or cause my rank to rise through the ties of marriage. And then, we shall have many beautiful children together, my darling Farfallina." He broke out the endearing term like the cherry on top. I couldn't contain myself any longer, and I stomped to his side of the table.



"How dare you!" I hissed venomously. "Seeking to take my opportunities away! What I've worked so hard for- and then, to compare me to a butterfly of all things! If you had your way, you'd clips those wings! You'd trap me in Italy, only a vessel to carry your god forsaken children! I could never-" I went to raise my hand, preparing to strike him in my fury. Suddenly he stood and pulled me close, my back against his front, his hand clamped over my mouth. I struggled and screamed through his hand, my heart racing with a pure panic I had never felt before.



     "Ah-ah, Rebecca. You wouldn't want to lose those opportunities due to violence upon a fellow Magickian, would you?" He chuckled. "Now, I hope you'll listen to me like this, since you otherwise seem the type to interrupt and yell over others. It's very unbecoming of a lady of your status, by the way, to screech like a banshee. Especially in a library of all places. Shame on you, you poco maniaca." He slurred the second word to be sound more feminine, letting his thick Italian accent slip into the open. He lowered his voice to a soft growl, too quiet for even the books to hear- and books hear everything. "I want to help you, dearest. You want to free the hybrids, and you're going to need all the assistance you can get."


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:01 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello and happy review day! I'm here to bring this out of the green room for you. What initially attracted me to it is that you describe it as a teen romance and those are my favorites, so let's get started! :_

I wasn't expecting the fantasy element, but I think it adds a nice touch to the story. This is definitely not a "standard" teen romance and you have a lot of interesting moving parts here. I like the arranged marriage thing and how she's not a fan but he is and he's going to try to force her. That's a lot of juicy drama in and of itself, but then you have the whole other fantasy element and her big goal about freeing the hybrids too. Love it.

There are some typos and little grammar things that I'm not going to point out because I bet you can find most of those yourself. A method I really like to find things like that is to put the document in a different font and/or size of font than you normally write with so it looks different on the page. Believe it or not, your eyes will pick up more of the little things that way :)

Since I'm coming in late I'm not going to comment too much on the overall plot or character arcs because that would be tricky for me to do (other than what I already said about liking the layers you have going here). I think my biggest qualm with the chapter is that I wanted more description and more voice. Description is my nemesis, I much prefer introspection and dialogue, but it must be done :p I don't feel a firm sense of place, and I want that. I want to see what's going on around Rebecca and feel like I'm there with her in the scene. I'd recommend checking out the description section of the YWS knowledge base. I use the knowledge base all of the time for my own writing and it's filled with awesome articles about all things writing!

In terms of voice, this is another tricky thing. First person narration is awesome for many reasons, one being we get to see the whole novel through the narrator's eyes and we as readers get to really feel who that character is and what they're like. To do this, the MC needs a strong voice. Voice is how the story is being told and what the story sounds like. For first person, the MC's personality needs to shine through the pages. You've included some introspection and some of her thoughts, but I would like a lot more. A reader should open the book and know right away that Rebecca is telling this story, not any old girl. This is another awesome knowledge base resource about first person narration :)

Overall though, I think this is a really intriguing story so far. Like I said earlier, I like how you're setting the plot up and I think all of the layers you've put in so far are really interesting and cool. I hope you keep working on this story! Please let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




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Wed Apr 19, 2017 7:57 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, SilloriaD! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!

I didn't read the other sections (I don't have time... reading Game of Thrones is taking longer than expected :P) so I'm going to review this the best I can!

"So I couldn't find a quote yet, sue me.Feel free to suggest one in a comment or review..."


The period and "Feel" should have a space in between them. Also, a quote I recommend is "You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove"-- Timothy Leary. Not sure if this'll work with your story or not, but it's a start! Maybe search "quotes involving needles".

Some things were quite the same at the Benard house- the routines, the mannerisms, even many of the hybrids...


There shouldn't be three periods at the end. Only use one.

"Shit!" He cursed under his breath. "We're already late. And there's gonna be consequences... Oh, but why worry about that now? We're here, at least. Now, are you ready?"


First of all, the word "shit" is considered a word where you need to change the settings to 18+ instead of 16+. Second, "He" should be lowercased. Third, this, and the next part without dialogue, should be on a separate paragraph. All dialogue should be on a separate paragraph except for any actions the character is doing at the moment and the tag that explains which character is speaking.

appeared.


There are two spaces underneath this word. Not sure if this was intentional or not.

"And it's about time, too, Rebecca." She scolded me with an irksome tone.


The first period should be a comma and "She" should not be capitalized. Any periods that come right before an end quotation mark before a sentence saying who's speaking should be commas. Also, any pronouns and "the"s that come after any quotation that's in a sentence saying who's speaking should be lowercase. Too keep this short, I'm not going to correct these anymore.

"I'm... I'm sorry?


The three periods should be a hyphen.

"I know it's all a lot, but I'm certain you'll come to accept it."


"a lot" should be one word.

The silence spoke volumes, and I could've heard a pin drop from a mile away.


Instead of the comma and "and", insert a semicolon. It'll work better.

Mr.Lettiere


There should be a space between the period and "Lettiere".

you''ll


I believe you meant "you'll".

ideas flew through my head like kites through the sky.


"ideas" is part of a new sentence so it should be capitalized.

m He pushed open he door and we entered the most heavenly room in the building.


I don't think you want the m there.

he started to stand up, still unsure of whether he should stay.


"he" should be capitalized.

table


After this there are two spaces again.

If you had your way, you'd clips those wings!


"clips" shouldn't be plural and "those" should be "these".

before


See "table".

So that's it for grammar! Overall, I enjoyed this-- It reminded me of "Rook", which is a really good book. You should read it.

Anyways.

I really liked this and I look forward to reading more of your work-- make sure to fix these grammar errors!

Keep on trucking writing!--

Kara Stevens




SilloriaD says...


A lot is two words. Using it as one is informal and incorrect. I also did not have much time to edit, and the friend who was going to go through and proofread/edit is currently indisposed. Using three periods is referred to as an ellipsis and is entirely acceptable. I'm not sure where you learned otherwise, but I assure you those are correct. The remainder of what you have listed here, however, was product of my careless rushing. I will fix these when I get home tonight if I have any time. Thanks! :-)



SilloriaD says...


Also, one or two curses isn't enough for this to be considered 18 . Now, if I was cussing every other line... that would be a different story, in my opinion. I will NOT be changing the rating unless asked to do so by a mod.



zaminami says...


It doesn't matter how many words there are; it matters WHAT the word is. Believe me, I made the same mistake.

@Lumi can you solve this argument?



Lumi says...


We rate 16 for the word brought to you by the letter S and 18 for the word brought to you by the letter F, along with words that imply mature content and/or sexual slurs. But the S-word is fine with a 16 rating. :)

Kara, I believe I remember in the case you're mentioning, the F-bomb was present as well--or perhaps mature content. I recall there being something special about it! :)



zaminami says...


Yeah it was the F bomb XP



SilloriaD says...


And I am purposefully avoiding the F-bomb, which did not appear here. :-) Though, this IS good to know down the line.




Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire