Hello SilloriaD! Just swinging by for a review
-I haven't read the previous part to this so I apologise if something was already explained and I didn't know it.
-But aside from that- I really like your descriptions of what is going on. It seems very full of life to me, it's not forced or anything. The way you describe a lot of it sounds very rich, and I love that. Good work!
-also, I love the name Simon. Not very relevant, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
and his legs shook with terror and weakness
The way this is described feels little awkward. I don't think the 'terror and weakness' are necessary here, because if his legs are shaking, it's already pretty clear that he's terrified. Plus, it's telling over showing here, so I think overall it would be better without those last four words.
-I don't know if this was addressed in the previous part, but because of how emotional this scene is geared up to be, it's kind of impersonal and anticlimactic (in a sense) that Marcus is grieving over these council members, but they have no names. The reader can't develop a connect with them in this way, and so you could describe Marcus as sad all you want, but it won't really resonate with the reader, because they can't relate.
Marcus's eyes turned back to the crowd just in time to see the blue fireball make contact with his father's head. He tried to cry out in warning, but it was far too late.
Why would he be trying to cry out a warning to his father if the fireball already hit him? I could understand him just crying out. I know you say that it's too late already, but it feels a little odd that he would try to warn his father after he's already been hit.
-This whole piece is full of emotions and you write it all very well, but it also feels rushed, and it takes away from some of the emotional value of the piece overall. This is especially the case when Simon is killed, Marcus grieves for a very short time and then he seems fine. Yes, he is shown to need some time alone, but he really doesn't seem very upset except for the few moments after his father is killed. Overall, the piece feels pretty rushed and could use some more spacing and balance.
-Overall, it's a really good piece! I think I'll go back and read the first one to get a better understanding of what's happening. Like I said, I really like your descriptions, and your writing is pretty clear to read through. I didn't really find myself having to reread sections to clarify anything, so kudos for that
I hope this was helpful! Keep up the good work, and I hope you have a lovely day
-scribbles
Points: 14090
Reviews: 351
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