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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Contrition (A Guardian Angel Story)

by SilloriaD


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

     A crowd of Angels was slowly forming in the square, muttering in shock at the scene before them. A stern man cut suddenly through the chaotic mass. "Out of my way," the deep voice ordered, and the people scattered to the sides, clearing a path for the commanding individual. The Great Councilman Simon inched forward, relying heavily on his walking stick to stand. He froze in place when the sight met his eyes, and his legs shook with terror and weakness. He started to collapse, but he didn't quite hit the ground. 

     "Father!" Marcus ran out of the congregation of Angels to his father's side, sliding beneath an arm to offer his support. Heaving, the Great Councilman stood straight again. "Father, what's going on here? Why has everyone gathered? No meeting was called..." His gaze began to wander to the citizens around him, but everyone's eyes were glued to the stage. Once he was certain Simon was stable, he began to approach the stage. The raven-haired man's eyes widened, the sprung forth with tears, and the finally narrowed with rage. He spun around and addressed the crowd. "Look!" He cried in fury. "Look upon this carnage and tell me that we can coexist with Magick-kind! The sympathizers amongst you- unveil your eyes! This is what happens when the menace is allowed to roam, free from consequences! This is what happens when we let up from our assault upon them!" He stormed up on the stage and screamed like a banshee. 

     Three wooden crosses had been attached to the stage, and to each a member of the council had been nailed by the wrists and ankles. There were bloody dents in their heads from where they had been knocked out, and behind them a message had been scrawled on the walls of the council hall in bloody letters: No sins go unpunished. Marcus howled into the wind, mourning for the men who had practically raised him through childhood. And then, there was silence so pure that the sparks of embers were heard by all. Marcus's eyes turned back to the crowd just in time to see the blue fireball make contact with his father's head. He tried to cry out in warning, but it was far too late. The cerulean flames engulfed the Great Councilman like wildfire, quickly leaving nothing but a bloody pile of bones- a sight all too familiar for all of them. His eyes moved up to the sky, where a hooded figure floated ominously, another fireball in hand. "Death to those who stand in our way!" It cried. "And worse upon those who deem us unworthy of existence! This is your warning, Angels- do not come for our families again!" And then, just like that, he vanished, as if he evaporated into the air. 

     Chaos began to erupt throughout the square, Angels panicking and screeching, and all Marcus could do was watch his people fall into disarray as he fell to his knees. His focus remained on the pile of bones upon the ground, which was being trampled by the flock of madness. He could almost hear the cracking of the various appendages above the crowd, driving him to psychotic thoughts. The man who brought him into existence, one of the most powerful Angels in existence, had been felled by a simple flame. It was a devastating reminder of his own mortality, watching his father burn to death. Yet, somehow, a voice seemed to awaken within him in this moment of tragedy. Marcus began to stand, finding a small wisp of strength within and grasping at it desperately. He yelled to the crowd, commanding their attention.

     "My brothers!" He bellowed to the crowd, which soon began to ease into a quieter mass. Once they were all listening, he spoke, the words flowing out of him as if from a fresh water spring. "My brothers, a great tragedy has occurred here today, and we cannot allow this to go unpunished. As Simon's one and only heir, I will take the lead council seat. Over the course of the next week, I will be deciding who else to appoint to the remaining seats. Then, when everything has been returned to the proper order, we will begin to plot our next move against Magick-kind. We will triumph over these monsters, men!" The crowd cheered in agreement, and Marcus sighed. "Now, would someone please clean up this mess and arrange for a proper burial of these great people? I need to do some thinking alone before I make any major decisions. After that, you're all dismissed." 

     The crowd began to disperse, and a handful of the people with stronger stomachs stayed behind to do clean up. Marcus's eyes wandered back to the bloody mass in the center of the square, and for just a moment he wondered if perhaps his father had deserved what he got- if perhaps this was the world enacting some sort of revenge for what had been done so many years ago. It was only for a moment, though, and then he moved inside the council hall to begin his new life as The Great Councilman Marcus.


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351 Reviews


Points: 14090
Reviews: 351

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Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:47 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello SilloriaD! Just swinging by for a review :)

-I haven't read the previous part to this so I apologise if something was already explained and I didn't know it.

-But aside from that- I really like your descriptions of what is going on. It seems very full of life to me, it's not forced or anything. The way you describe a lot of it sounds very rich, and I love that. Good work!

-also, I love the name Simon. Not very relevant, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

and his legs shook with terror and weakness

The way this is described feels little awkward. I don't think the 'terror and weakness' are necessary here, because if his legs are shaking, it's already pretty clear that he's terrified. Plus, it's telling over showing here, so I think overall it would be better without those last four words.

-I don't know if this was addressed in the previous part, but because of how emotional this scene is geared up to be, it's kind of impersonal and anticlimactic (in a sense) that Marcus is grieving over these council members, but they have no names. The reader can't develop a connect with them in this way, and so you could describe Marcus as sad all you want, but it won't really resonate with the reader, because they can't relate.

Marcus's eyes turned back to the crowd just in time to see the blue fireball make contact with his father's head. He tried to cry out in warning, but it was far too late.

Why would he be trying to cry out a warning to his father if the fireball already hit him? I could understand him just crying out. I know you say that it's too late already, but it feels a little odd that he would try to warn his father after he's already been hit.

-This whole piece is full of emotions and you write it all very well, but it also feels rushed, and it takes away from some of the emotional value of the piece overall. This is especially the case when Simon is killed, Marcus grieves for a very short time and then he seems fine. Yes, he is shown to need some time alone, but he really doesn't seem very upset except for the few moments after his father is killed. Overall, the piece feels pretty rushed and could use some more spacing and balance.

-Overall, it's a really good piece! I think I'll go back and read the first one to get a better understanding of what's happening. Like I said, I really like your descriptions, and your writing is pretty clear to read through. I didn't really find myself having to reread sections to clarify anything, so kudos for that :)


I hope this was helpful! Keep up the good work, and I hope you have a lovely day :)
-scribbles




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Tue Oct 31, 2017 7:50 pm
ayyitsellie wrote a review...



Hi, SilloriaD! Big fan of this story, happy to have more :)

"And then, there was silence so pure that the sparks of embers were heard by all."
I was a little confused by this line since there was never any mention of fire beforehand and had me reading back a few times before I realized it came after. Embers aren't really too loud and in order for a large crowd to hear them, no one could really be breathing. Maybe something along the lines of "roaring fire" or "roaring, crackling fireball" would help create the image you're thinking of.

"The cerulean flames engulfed the Great Councilman like wildfire, quickly leaving nothing but a bloody pile of bones..."
Bones can't really be bloody after a person is burnt to death,unless the fire was stopped after it ate through skin and muscle. The blood would boil and cause the skin to split if this fire killed Marcus' father quickly and rapidly, which would mean it is super hot. Unless this is a magic-style fire that doesn't evaporate blood.

I like that he managed to quiet a crowd, but if they were trampling and freaking out, going into a widespread panic it would take a little more than yelling twice to get their attention. Think of them like cattle, you need to calm the herd before your words will register or make sense to them. Crude analogy, but it works.

You kind of have a contradiction when Marcus announces he is taking the head council seat, says he will appoint new people, but then says he needs to be alone before he makes any major decisions. Isn't appointing yourself as the lead councilman a major decision?

Usually if people are mourning, especially after such a traumatic death, it would take a while to come to the conclusion of your father deserving such a painful and violent death.

All in all, this story captured my attention, which is exactly what you want to do! I really can't wait to read what comes next and how Marcus will combat this great loss.





He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart