Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.
“When ignorance is bliss, there's folly in wisdom.”
-David Eddings
Chapter One
-The Frozen Sun-
"Mother! Father!" As I raced through the halls of our home , a letter clutched firmly in hand, I called out to my family. In each room I came upon, I stepped in, glanced around quickly, and then stepped back out once I saw that they were not present. My screeching probably gave all of our hybrids massive migraines, but I was too high in the clouds to consider that. I paused for a moment in the kitchen to catch my breath, and an older hybrid woman approached me. I recalled that her name was Josephine, and she was a one of the feline hybrids. She was a sweet enough woman and, like the rest of the servants, we treated her well. Her lips formed into a wry smile as she directed me towards the back door. Sure enough, there they all sat. They sipped at their tea; they laughed and they smiled at each other as they picked at their breakfast. It was like a perfect portraiture of a Sunday morning for a high-society family. And, of course, when I stepped outside with my night gown and my messy hair, I brought discord to their harmonious image. At the time, I didn't care about how much I irked them. Even as the less favored child, this, of all things, would make Mother and Father see me for what I really was. It was time for me to step out of Adrian's shadow; I would be the one in the spotlight. I practically bounced in excitement at the very thought of what my future was going to bring. Even Adrian's displeased frown at my sudden appearance couldn't dampen my spirits.
"Rebecca, so glad you could join us." Father's voice was a little sharp as he spoke, and I would've winced under normal circumstances. "What's the occasion that made you come out for breakfast without even getting dressed properly?" He didn't even glance up at as the words he spoke piled upon me like the snow of an avalanche. I fought through it, thrusting my hand out to give him the letter, keeping my smile firmly in place. He stood up as he took it and adjusted his glasses, reading aloud. "To Miss Rebecca Einhard and Who It May Concern..." His voice shrunk and trailed off when he scanned the piece of paper. I glanced towards Adrian, whose expression had miraculously gotten darker since the letter had appeared. I hardly managed to hold in my smug comments; He already knew what I had recieved. After all, who would send me mail?
"It has been brought to our attention that the scores on Miss Einhard's exams for early acceptance were far beyond that of an average member of Magick-kind. Her excellent magickal abilities and her recent paper on "The Magickal Manipulation of the Humanoid Body" have thoroughly impressed the leaders of the Benard family. With all of this under consideration, we would like to extend an invitation to the Einhard branch of our family to stay in the main house for the next two months as we prepare to welcome Miss Einhard as a new member of the most elite family of Magick-kind on the twenty-second of September this Autumn." Mother almost dropped her tea-cup as she gasped in surprise. She opened her mouth to speak, but a stern look from Father silenced the sound before it could manifest. "Furthermore, we would like to offer Miss Einhard a year's worth of advanced learning here with some of the finest tutors on this side of the greater Eurasian continent. If her exam grades prove to be of a similar nature to the most recent testing, Miss Einhard will become a legal part of the Benard family. We look forward to seeing the our Einhard relatives in the days to come. Sincerely, Dolores Benard, Head of Business Affairs." Father's eyes were as wide as saucers as he finished reading the letter. After a moment of silence, he recovered from his surprise and looked to Mother. "We must make plans to leave for Berlin immediately. We have a future leader among our kind in our midst." And just like that, the two left Adrian and me in the warm August air.
"So, this is why you've been sneaking out." He stated, his expression that of a slow descent into insanity. "I was so certain that you were off fraternizing with that hybrid scum from Berlin."
"You know I couldn't see him even if I wanted to. Berlin is hours away and I couldn't possibly make that trip alone. Don't be absurd." I chided his irrational thinking, trying to cover up any remaining footsteps of what I had truly been doing. He growled in frustration at me, the anger rising in his eyes.
"Don't lie to me, Rebecca! I read that paper before you sent it off to the Benard family. I read about your theory on teleportation, and I wouldn't put it past you to take the matter into your own hands. As a matter of fact, I know you tested it out yourself. I saw you!" The boy glared, his accusatory tone cutting through me. "You were visiting him, weren't you?"
"Adrian... I..." My voice faltered slightly, but he was having none of it.
"Weren't you?!" Adrian hissed. My guilty look made the answer plain. My brother's face twisted in rage. "I knew it! I've seen him when we visit the family. I see how he ganders at you- oh, yes, dear sister, he ganders, don't bother denying it. I've seen that desire in his eyes. It's a miracle that I haven't throttled him yet!" The anger continued to rise within him, and I tried my hardest to shut it out. "And you.. you're no better! I've witnessed those late night meetings during the holidays. I've seen how he holds you, and I'd even say that the unbridled joy with which you accept that embrace is disgraceful!"
"You have no right to watch over me like I'm some ward of yours! I'm your sister, not your servant!" I scowled at Adrian. "You are not in charge of this family. You are not in charge of me."
"But I will be. I'm the eldest, and I'll be in charge of the Einhard family. I will be your superior and your family leader." He insisted, fury boiling within him.
"Only if I'm still an Einhard." I dropped the bomb on him. Then, he was silent.
"Is this why you try so hard to get ahead? So I'll never have control over you?" He laughed manically. It was.. frightening, to say the least. "I ought to throttle you, girl."
"You won't," I challenged him. "Mother and Father would be furious if their new pride and joy was harmed. Now, if you'll excuse me-" I turned to go inside, but I did not make it that far. Next thing I knew, I was shoved up against the wall of our home. His hand was firmly around my neck, red hot with his fury and uncontainable anger. I squirmed and struggled against him but, alas, my strength was in mind, not body. He did not waiver. As I searched through my older sibling's eyes for any sign of the boy I used to be so close to, I realized that no such presence remained.
"Don't. Test. Me." He tightened his grip with each word. "One misstep, and I will destroy you. I could burn you to ashes where you stand."
I smiled wryly, no longer scared of anything he might do. "We are both Einhards, Adrian. Your flames will not harm someone they recognize."
"Then perhaps I should bash your head in against these walls. They do not differentiate between blood of a resident and blood of a stranger." He sneered. "There are things you have yet to understand about our world, sister. It sickens me to even call you sister after the way you have betrayed our family. You lay with a hybrid-"
"I have never laid with him! He is a friend, nothing more!" I protested, but he would not listen.
"You lay with a hybrid and you falsify yourself to me now! How dare you even call yourself an Einhard?! You're repulsive." He let go of my neck and I dropped to the ground. He turned away from me and moved towards the door, but I reached out and grabbed his leg to stop him. "Don't touch me, you filth!" He shouted.
"What happened to us, Adrian? Why have you come to hate me...?" I asked, desperately wanting to see a flash of his former self. "We used to be so close. I don't understand why we've grown apart."
"I could never come to care for someone who loves a Pythus." He shook me off and left me alone and unwanted on the cool ground. Now that I was alone, I allowed my sorrow to escape, letting my tears fall onto the grass, and it was impossible to tell them from the morning dew. Those tears were lost forever among the grassy yard. It was astounding, the effect my brother had on me. When he was present, he was all fire and brimstone with anger. However, it would be safe to say that he was the only one who could affect me so deeply. In that mid August morning, I determined that there was no one else who could leave me feeling so frozen in the late days of Summer.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Jimss here
By the time you read this third review, you may have figured out that my reviews are often highly opinionated and full of snide remarks. Still, I have become increasingly more invested in this story, and my desire to see this story at its best has risen accordingly.
So, being the jacka** as I am, I will continue to give my honest opinion on your work. Also know that the more I read your work, the more I respect you. With this regard come a few downsides. I will become increasingly more critical of your work. I find it to be disrespectful to you and a disservice to your story if I lied to you about what I thought for the sake of kindness.
With the serious stuff out the way, I shall begin my third review!
1) The first paragraph felt a little clumsy. It doesn't have the same flow I think you want. I am completely able to imagine what you are saying, but the wording makes it a little confusing. Ideally, you never want the reader to have to go back over a sentence to make sure they got your meaning. The sentence should flow from one right into the next. If it does, the picture in the mind's eye become one constant stream of action.
2) "High in the Clouds"... Just say excited, happy, or jubilant. Unless Rebecca has been hitting the blunt, the words don't fit. Jah Rastafari.
3) SilloriaD, I like your writing style, I do, but some sentences are just more juvenile than others.
"Father's eyes were as wide as saucers as he finished reading the letter. After a moment of silence, he recovered from his surprise and looked to Mother."
"Saucers" sounds a little silly and detracts from your usual, mature writing style. In fact, I am of the opinion that "saucers" should never be used to describe eyes, but that's irrelevant.
A possible solution:
"Father's eyes scanned back over the letter, in utter shock. After a moment of silence, he looked to Mother."
To me, that just seems more natural and requires fewer comparisons, which leads me to my next point...
3) Show don't tell. It has been something I noticed in the first two reviews, but I was going to wait to tell you until I had a better feel for your writing style. For the most part, you do a good job of this. However, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was "Don't hold the reader's hand and take them through your story, guide them along the path." Sometimes, you are overly descriptive or give to much detail about how a character is acting. Give small details to hint at the feelings and emotions a character might be feeling rather than stating it explicitly.
4) Ok, I had to get to this at some point. D***. ADRIAN BE CRAZY. Seriously, though, that came out of nowhere and got increasingly more and more deranged. I've been mad at my younger brother for outshining me or being arrogant but never did I think about smashing his head into a wall. That's some Godfather stuff right there.
I don't know how to say this. It just doesn't fit. If you ever get a chance to look at some of my work (shameless plug) I write characters doing some dark stuff (Like choking and beating up women. Don't judge me. It's edgy.) and even I was like "Jesus, Adrian about to be on an episode of Law and Order."
This scene would make a great climax. All the anger Adrian held in about his sister outshining him finally boils over, and he goes pure lunatic. It's a fantastic way to make a seemingly noble character seem realistic. Here, it just makes him look paranoid and certifiably insane.
Also, where did all this anger towards her come from? Unless Adrian has the hots for his sister (I'm one to speak, I live in the South) no character would get this worked up about her seeing some other guy, even if he was one of the "others." It would make sense if he were disapproving or even sarcastic about it. Hell, he might even be ashamed of her. But my sister could tell me she was dating a meth head, and I wouldn't want to kill her. I might be mad at her sure, but I would be more angry at the guy she was seeing. Just something to keep in mind.
In conclusion, Slow Ya Roll. Build up to this moment, make it count. It is well done overall as a scene, but it just feels out of place.
5) hehe. Lay.
6)"you falsify yourself to me now!" Ok, I may come from a family of English teachers and lawyers, but I have never heard anyone use "falsify" as a stand-in for "lie." Just say "and now your lying to me." Short, simple, and stops me from scratching my head.
Ok, since my major criticism came from Adrian trying to do a live-action Love the Way You Lie by Eminem on his sister, thus ends my review.
Also, please keep some of the things I've said before in mind when editing other chapters. Consistency is key.
SilloriaD, thank you so much for letting me review this work. I am planning on reading the second chapter soon and writing a review on that as well. Please, if you ever need anything from me, a review, a like, a follow, anything. I'm going to take a brief hiatus before reading the second chapter to let you respond to my reviews and let me know if you want me to continue discussing your work or not.
Your annoying neighborhood jacka**,
Jimss
I'd love to hear your thoughts on chapter two
I will warn you- It has shitty pacing in plenty of places. Im doing a mass edit this weekend. ^.^
Cool. I'll get right on it.
I loved. I want to read more!
Chapter two is up!
Hey! I noticed that this has been in the green room for a little while now, so I figured I'd come review it for you to get it out of there
I'd gotten the impression, or would assume anyway, that they weren't alone in the room after their parents left. I realise I'm probably wrong for thinking this now, but I'd have assumed there'd be servants or something around during meal times to serve food, drinks e.t.c. but if so, I doubt Adrian would have done something so violent in front of them. I'd maybe clarify that a little because it does seem a tiny bit odd to me that they would be alone in the room to eat, least based on the way high profile families with servants work in present day (and in the past) e.g. the Queen has butlers and what not who serve her during mealtimes. Then, of course, if so, would Adrian be so openly violent to his sister if there were people watching? Or would he just not care?
I have read the prologue, so I've got a good grasp of everything that's happening here, and this review will sort of be a critique of both this chapter and the prologue. Anywho, I really love the idea you have here. It's original and interesting, and this story really could go any way now. Just from reading your prologue and first chapter, I can already tell that this has heaps of potential, and could lead to a really gripping plot. You've already introduced us to some conflict, and you've thrown us right into things, which is great. The technical side of your writing is pretty great on the whole to; your grammar and spelling is good, and the general flow of everything works well. So yus, kudos to you.
So. Onto critiques!
I'd really like to see more of Adrian in your prologue. The prologue was sort of technically in a roundabout way about him, yet I don't think he ever spoke or really did anything. The main reason I want to see more of him though is because in this chapter, Rebecca reminisces a little on the fact that she and her brother used to be close and what not, but we never get to see that. The impact of her asking him what happened to us? would be revved up heaps if we actually saw their close relationship, and had the opportunity to see how much it has gone downhill since then. It would help create a real sympathy for Rebecca for losing the loving brother she used to have e.t.c. thus adding a layer to her character and increasing our empathy with her. Show us their previous good relationship so we can feel bad for her, y'know? I just think the prologue would be ideal for that.
On the whole, your worldbuilding is pretty good. Creating an entirely new world with new concepts, rules, norms e.t.c. is one heck of a challenge, so considering that, you've done a good job. I understand the idea of hybrids, the power those high up in society have over them, the cruelty that involves e.t.c. so that's good. There are just some smallish things I think could be improved on. For example, these ceremonies. I don't fully understand them, or what they're for, or why they happen. Is the ceremony Adrian had the same kind of thing Rebecca's letter is about? I know there are differences, but what are they exactly? Did Adrian have to take tests before his? Or are they just completely different things? There's a bit of confusion there. And the world in general; is this a dystopian story? Is it set in the future? How did this world where humans rule over hybrids come to be? Little things like that could do with some more layering, methinks.
A critique that's exclusive to this first chapter, as opposed to your prologue, is that you have a lot of dialogue. You write it quite well, to be fair, but there's a notably uneven narrative-dialogue balance going on. I want to see inside Rebecca's head more. We saw inside her head heaps in your prologue, so I want more of that. You don't necessarily need to cut any dialogue, it's more about adding more narrative. Having a balance between the two is important because it keeps things feeling fresh, and ensures your story has more than one layer. Plus I want to know Rebecca's initial reactions to things, and initial reactions occur in our heads. How did she feel about her parents reading the letter? Did she feel relieved to finally become the child who has all the attention? Was she nervous? What is she thinking as Adrian violently shoves her against a wall? I'm sure she must have a hella lot of thoughts running through her head at that point. Just delve into her inner monologue more, y'know?
Speaking of the whole Adrian turning psycho violent
There's one more small/technical I want to bring up before I leave you. The technical side to your writing is strong on the whole, as I noted at the beginning of this review, but I have noticed that you occasionally have some pretty chunky paragraphs e.g. the first and third paragraph of this chapter, and they only ended because they were followed by dialogue! It's not awful or anything, it can just be a little off-putting for readers when they see a big chunk of text. It may even have something to do with why this has been int he green room for a while, as the first thing you see when you open this are the chunky opening paragraphs. It's an easy problem to fix; it's literally just a case of splitting them up and/or taking some unnecessary words and sentences out of them.
Sticking to the technical side of things, imma bring up something super nit-picky, so please do take it with a pinch of salt. Your prologue was a pleasure to read and well written, but it wasn't very... prologue-esque? Err, if you get what I mean. it was more like chapter, in fact, I'm pretty sure it was actually longer than this chapter. A golden rule of prologues is that they mustn't be longer than your chapters, and are generally fairly shorter than actual chapters. I understand why you've labelled it as a prologue because it's set in a different time-frame to what I assume will be the rest of the novel, but other than that, it doesn't really have any other prolgoue-esque aspects to it. Something a lot of people also say is that the rest of the story should make sense without the prologue. A lot of the time, readers ignore prologues, but your prologue is kind of important for worldbuilding and what not so you don't want that to happen. With that in consideration, I would actually suggest turning your current prologue into chapter 1, and this into chapter 2. Buuuut as I said earlier, this is quite picky, and it's not necessarily essential.
Hm. I've rambled. A lot. Oops.
Despite my critiques, I have genuinely enjoyed reading your prologue and first chapter, and all the critiques I have given you are quite minor. They're things that can be fixed quite easily, anywho. I'm a little tempted to tell you to watch out with your dialogue because it does seem a little formal and unnatural in this chapter, but I kind of feel like it's meant to be like that due to the formal relationship Rebecca has with her family, and may just be how people communicate in your world. So I'll leave that for now. But yeah, I really do love the idea and concept you have here, and I'm definitely interested in reading more of this to find out how the plot develops and what not. That's the most important thing in the end; gripping your readers enough to make them read on.
Before I start rambling again, I'll finally leave you be now! I hope I've been of help, and be sure to let me know if you want me to clarify anything I've said in this review (or even if you just want tot talk about it in general). Just reply to this review, send me a PM, or write on my wall, and I shall get back to you ASAP!
Keep writing,
xoxo Sins
Thank you so much for reviewing!
Your feedback was absolutely fantastic. I'm honestly glad for a few of those nitpicky things when people point them out. Sometimes the little things make a big difference.
So, first I'd like to address one thing about your review that bugged me. The family was all outside during this chapter, and I thought I had made it clear that Adrian and Rebecca had been left outside alone. Perhaps I was not clear enough? If so, that's entirely my bad and I'll fix it when I go through and edit my work.
I actually used to have the opposite problem, with revealing the thoughts of my characters too much. I thought I had managed to tone it down, but it must have been too much. I'll try to work on that balance and find a more happy medium. I think part of the cause of uber amounts of dialogue is wanting to get somewhere specifically with the story. I find many authors, myself included, have this problem. We're so concerned with where the story is going that we don't take the time to fully explore the right now.
One other thing: these people aren't "human". I wanted to make that clear because you mentioned humans having power over the hybrids. Magick-kind has power over the hybrids, but humans in this world are oblivious to the existence of either. This is a universe I've been developing for several years- well, around five years, to be exact. In the timeline of the universe's history, we'd be currently exploring the "Age of Ignorance", where all the non-human beings now have the means to blend into society and the humans have forgotten that there were others among them. That's not a major plot spoiler, so I'm willing to say that much. I love the history I've been creating over time. My other story, Guardian Angel, was the first story in this universe I ever thought up. Unfortunately, it's currently on indefinite hiatus. I wanted to make this story as a kind of-sort of prequel to the most unwritten story.
I used to have a major problem: I wrote all of my characters as their age, except with the emotional problems of a teenager. Since it was all I knew, it was all I could write. I do hope that isn't as much of a problem in this story as it has been in the past.
The event that was happening in the prologue is Adrian's acceptance as a member of the Benard family. The main point in this story is that, while Adrian had to wait until he was a certain age, Rebecca got accepted early through testing. She also has an opportunity most could only dream of in the form of legally becoming a full-fledged Benard instead of just another branch to the family. Adrian, however, did not get that chance. That's why she's finally coming out of her brother's shadow.
Now, you asked when this story takes place.
Hm. Almost slave-like servants in Germany. I wonder. Don't say anything if you get it, I don't plan on ever outright saying a year until near the very end.
I could openly explain the history of this world, but if you'd like to know, I'd prefer to do it through PM. While a few minor details are all fine and good, it just seems bad form to give it all away here.
If I missed any of your questions, please let me know. I tried to answer as best as I can, but I only just woke up.
Thank you so much for your feedback!
I'm glad I could be of help, this was a pleasure to read!
Ah, I see. The family being outside does make it make more sense, and to be fair, it probably was just me not being observant enough. As for the narration-dialogue balance, it did only become a problem for me in this chapter (not the prologue), so it might just be a one-off thing.
Oh, and me referring to these people as human was just a slip up, my bad! I figured they were magic-related beings, so you did make that clear enough, don't worry.
Ah okay, I'm with you now on the ceremony thing. I knew there was some difference, wasn't 100% what it was is all, I just knew it was better than what Adrian has! And ooooo, that does sound intriguing. I'm planning on reading on if you continue posting this, so I'll keep those details as a mystery for now!
Chapter Two is up!
Very well written. Definitely got my attention since the very first sentence. I am very glad we have this website to articulate our talents. Don't ever give up on your hopes and dreams, and never get discouraged. I hope that you can update us soon for I am very intrigued on what will happen next.
Thank you so very much for sharing.
Johanna =)
Chapter Two is up!
I really don't have anything to say about this work. I just hope to see you complete it. Keep up the good work.
Your friend,
Poseidon
Chapter Two is up!