Jimss here
Last one before your mass edit.
I think I've exhausted all my introductions so I'll get right to it.
One thing, do you live in Europe or Stateside? I just want to know if the jokes I make about the states are falling on deaf ears. Thanks
1) "We made haste," Yea, make sure your writing style is consistent. It feels out of place with the rest of your narration.
2) "just as afflictive to him as it was to me" the Same thing here
3) "a counter to her melody" Counter-melody. Keep it simple.
4) "Our gift for music was astounding." Too direct with too many pronouns. Change to something like. "The Einhard's were known for their natural musical talent."
5) So personal question but it's a little important. Don't answer if you don't want to. Are you a man or woman or do you identify as anything else? The reason why I ask is all about perspective and understanding how different people see things.
"Mother had technically married in, but Father saw beauty in her abilities before he saw beauty in her physical form."
Ok, either her father is the noblest man on earth or this line is straight up unbelievable. Now I understand it sounds romantic and stuff, but there is no man on earth who is initially attracted to a woman my musical talents alone. Men are visual creatures and men often notice a variety of characteristics at once, but visual appearance is high up on that list. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to make it seem like Rebecca's father is objectifying her mother, but to say that he saw beauty in her abilities first is sort of like saying, "people noticed my pen-spinning talents before they noticed what my face looked like," It is just kind of hard to imagine.
6) "As we rounded a corner, Mother and Father finished their humming harmony and the car was once again silent."
That is some corner. Ok so change the order around a bit so it does not sound like they stopped singing because of the corner and make it sound like their song came to an end at the same time they rounded the corner.
"Mother and Father finished their humming harmony just as we were rounding a corner and the car was once again silent." Something like that.
7) "reticence" If it is so uncommon that I have not heard of it, it is very likely your reader (you should always try to write for the lowest common denominator if you know what I mean) will have no idea what that means.
"Adrian's expression faded back to a distant scowl." His expression never changed from anything to go back to.
9)"We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many year ago, it began. We started to separate."
Combine the sentences.
"We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many years ago, we started to separate."
10) "I turned my eyes toward the window, allowing the sight of the rolling hills to comfort me. The trees were so tall that even the sun seemed to pale in comparison- an impossibility, perhaps, but there it was all the same."
The reader knows it is impossible. It's what makes the comparison make sense.
11) "The sky may have been nothing to look at for a foreigner, but those gray clouds were familiar, and thus relaxing." Cut out "and thus"
12) "My head snapped towards the sound I had become so accustomed to- and there he was, in all his glory." Just say it's Richard. I don't like having to do work while I'm reading. The reader may not remember Richard has brown hair, and even if the context clues don't tip them off, it still feels like name dropping when you finally do say his name. I'm not saying you have to go right out and say "Here's Richard!" but just let the reader know it's Richard you're talking about.
13) Ok, so the whole vision thing. "This was merely a vision my mind had concocted of subconscious thoughts." No. It's not. It is a vision that she is being dragged into. Saying that it is a product of her mind confuses the reader into thinking the whole scene is just a dream and holds no real meaning, even if it just for a short time. You don't want your important moment messed up by someone going "wait, is this a dream or a vision? Is this real? Is anything real? What is life?" (that last part was just me)
13) 2015? Ok, I had been operating under the assumption that either this world didn't have any real connection to this world, or that it was taking place in the present. If it is the latter you need to specify that at the beginning of the book.
If this world has no connection to our own, DO NOT USE THE BC/AD SYSTEM. I cannot stress this enough. BC/AD was all based on the life of Christ. Unless Jesus is a major figure in your world, you need to create your own timeline, or just mention time in its relation to the current time.
(ie "I am caught in a time loop, about twenty years from your current time.")
14) Time is a tricky thing to write, just a heads up.
Ok, that about does it for me for this chapter. I will probably do a follow up to this review after your mass edit, just to see if there are any other things that catch my eye.
Hey, if you get around to it (and if you can stomach it) can you just pop in a take a gander at some of my work, even if it is just the prologue. I'm having a hard time getting reviews, most likely to the content ratings. If you don't want to I really can't blame you. My stories are not for most people.
The Neighborhood Jack***,
Jimss
Points: 1508
Reviews: 52
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