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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Richard & Rebecca: Chapter Two -Spatial Irises-

by SilloriaD


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

“Any time there's something so ridiculously dangerous that no rational human being would try it, they send for me.' --Garion”

― David Eddings, King of the Murgos

Chapter Two

-Spatial Irises-



The trip to Berlin felt longer than it actually was. We made haste, but it was still and eight hour trip from Munich to the capital. It felt like days, being stuck beside my brother in that car. Adrian did not seem happy about it either. If under other circumstances, my discomfort could have brought him joy, but in this moment alone it seemed that the ride was just as afflictive to him as it was to me.Our parents, however, seemed to be in high spirits. Mother hummed an old German folk song; I could not recall it's name, but the tune was recognizable. Father, a lover of music with a vast knowledge of it's theory, joined in with a counter to her melody. They made a fantastic duo, my mother and father. Some in the over-arching family believe the Einhard line descended directly from the greater composers of Europe, who had mostly been skilled practitioners of magick. Our gift for music was astounding. Mother had technically married in, but Father saw beauty in her abilities before he saw beauty in her physical form. You cannot fault such a natural progression. Adrian always tended to lean towards the violin more than vocal performance, but he was still a fantastic singer. I loved to sing, and had hardly focused on any other area of musical study. 

As we rounded a corner, Mother and Father finished their humming harmony and the car was once again silent. The melodious sounds had managed to lighten the mood in the enclosed space, but it was not to last. The silence yet again consumed us all, leaving a dreary fog hanging in the air. My parents returned to their natural state of reticence, and Adrian's expression faded back to a distant scowl. I still couldn't comprehend what had happened to him. We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many year ago, it began. We started to separate. I would come to his room in the mornings and he would already be gone. He joined Mother and Father for breakfast without me. The tutors would take him for lessons I would not receive, and he was allowed out on days where I was not. If I asked him to play with me, he'd scoff and say I needed to find someone my own size to be foolish with. He was stiff and cool towards me- at first, showing no outward aggression, but it surfaced with time. He had forced himself away, and the only way to remain distant was to convince himself to hate me. I just didn't see why there was a need for such things. 

I turned my eyes toward the window, allowing the sight of the rolling hills to comfort me. The trees were so tall that even the sun seemed to pale in comparison- an impossibility, perhaps, but there it was all the same. The sky may have been nothing to look at for a foreigner, but those grey clouds were familiar, and thus relaxing. A soft sigh of contentment breached my lips, and, before long, I fell asleep to the sound of the engine roar and the gentle rock of the car. 

The slips in and out of consciousness were fuzzy, leaving me unsure of reality. At first, I was in a state of paralysis. My arms were lead at my sides, and my legs could not move but for slight adjustments. The shock rippled through me when I felt the cool skin of another against my upturned palm. Fingers glided across the surface almost absentmindedly, and I wanted to speak to their owner- to make amends, to understand the ever-growing abyss between us. I wanted to look into his eyes and beg for forgiveness from whatever sin I had committed in his heart. But, I could not move. I could not speak. The world around me faded to darkness as the fingers retreated away from me. When I came to again, I was in a strange looking vehicle. It was a car, but it was unlike any I had ever seen. I could move my limbs freely now, and I looked around. There was an almost Italian looking man in the front seat, likely close to my brother's age. A girl sat in the front seat, likely closer to my peer than that of the driver. She had a familiar glow of determination about  her that was impossible to comprehend. Then, a voice sounded to my left.

"I can't believe we're actually doing this! You've gone mad!" It was older, and definitely much more mature than when I had last heard it. Yet, I was so certain I knew that voice. My head snapped towards the sound I had become so accustomed to- and there he was, in all his glory. His light brown hair, his oceanic eyes behind the lenses of glasses that looked just as strange as his clothes. But that wry smile on his face bred a joy I had been void of for months. I reached out for him, but my hands could not touch his arm. It was like an invisible wall surrounded him. It took me a moment to understand: this was not real. This was merely a vision my mind had concocted of subconscious thoughts. Still, laying my eyes on him made me happy regardless. I noted that he spoke in the language of Americans, which I had been teaching him over time.

"Well, we've got no choice, do we?" The driver sighed. "Our idiotic friend decided to play hero, and now we've got to save him from his own courageous bullshit. That damned Angel better wise up, honestly." At the mention of Angels, I winced. The relationship between Magick-kind and the Angels was more than a little strained, and it was well known that Angels had a pension for torturing and killing our kind mercilessly. How could Richard have found himself in the company of Angels? And why was I not present in this vision? What had happened to me? "I wouldn't even bother with him if he wasn't your half brother, you know." He seemed to address the girl in the passenger seat in front of me, and she muttered something about stubborn men and their tendency to blame her for things. Then the driver tensed up. 

"We aren't alone." He whispered hastily. 

"Well naturally not, Michael. I've been trying to reach out like this the entire ride. I'm amazed you hadn't noticed by now. You won't remember this later, so just try to ignore it for now. Dickie, I won't be able to wipe your memory of this event so please try to ignore it." Dickie? Was she referring to my Richard? My best friend? Who was this woman?! How dare she address him improperly?! My anger rose, and the world around me flickered slightly. "Now, now, Rebecca. I need you to cooperate with me. Trying to communicate across time when my current state is uncertain in the grand scheme is very complicated, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop struggling. This won't be the last time you hear from me." 

I continued to struggle, not willing to trust the girl in front of me. "Who the hell are you?!" I gasped out in confusion. "Why are you doing this? Why do you-"

"There's no time for questions." She cut me off. "All you need to know for now is that my name is Adrianne Smith, and I am your descendant. I am communicating to you from inside a time loop in the year 2015. You're about to go to what used to be the ceremony of acceptance, correct?"

"Well, we're driving to the location for preparation, but the ceremony itself is a while off-"

"Good, good, I was about right on my timing then. I can't tell you the why for anything for risk of creating rips and paradoxes in time, but you need to take your studies into deeper, more theoretical magick. I'm talking time travel levels of theoretic here. But no one must be allowed to know. You cannot flaunt these findings to the main family, do you understand me?! It could cause mass destruction if the information is distributed." 

"But, I'm supposed to report everything to-"

"It could cause the death of the one you hold dear if you give this information away willy-nilly, okay?  I can't tell you much else on the subject. You might not believe me, but think what it means if I'm telling the truth here, alright?  I'm communicating with you using theoretical magick based on your theories, passed down the generations. But you'll end up using this to save his life, got it? If you don't trust me, you put him in jeopardy." She paused for a moment to allow those words to settle in. "That's all I can tell  you for now, butbe prepared for my next visit. Wake up now, and do us all proud!" The vision flickered for a moment, then everything went to black. When I awoke, it was to Mother's gentle shaking. 

"Rebecca, dear, we've arrived at the Benard home. Hurry, now, we mustn't dally." She spoke sternly, but my mind was elsewhere. That girl... her eyes looked just like mine. How could they remain so vibrant after generations? I shook off the eerie feeling of dread in my stomach and got out of the car, following my family inside the home of my future.  


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Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:31 am
jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Last one before your mass edit.

I think I've exhausted all my introductions so I'll get right to it.

One thing, do you live in Europe or Stateside? I just want to know if the jokes I make about the states are falling on deaf ears. Thanks

1) "We made haste," Yea, make sure your writing style is consistent. It feels out of place with the rest of your narration.

2) "just as afflictive to him as it was to me" the Same thing here

3) "a counter to her melody" Counter-melody. Keep it simple.

4) "Our gift for music was astounding." Too direct with too many pronouns. Change to something like. "The Einhard's were known for their natural musical talent."

5) So personal question but it's a little important. Don't answer if you don't want to. Are you a man or woman or do you identify as anything else? The reason why I ask is all about perspective and understanding how different people see things.

"Mother had technically married in, but Father saw beauty in her abilities before he saw beauty in her physical form."

Ok, either her father is the noblest man on earth or this line is straight up unbelievable. Now I understand it sounds romantic and stuff, but there is no man on earth who is initially attracted to a woman my musical talents alone. Men are visual creatures and men often notice a variety of characteristics at once, but visual appearance is high up on that list. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to make it seem like Rebecca's father is objectifying her mother, but to say that he saw beauty in her abilities first is sort of like saying, "people noticed my pen-spinning talents before they noticed what my face looked like," It is just kind of hard to imagine.

6) "As we rounded a corner, Mother and Father finished their humming harmony and the car was once again silent."
That is some corner. Ok so change the order around a bit so it does not sound like they stopped singing because of the corner and make it sound like their song came to an end at the same time they rounded the corner.

"Mother and Father finished their humming harmony just as we were rounding a corner and the car was once again silent." Something like that.

7) "reticence" If it is so uncommon that I have not heard of it, it is very likely your reader (you should always try to write for the lowest common denominator if you know what I mean) will have no idea what that means.

8) "Adrian's expression faded back to a distant scowl." His expression never changed from anything to go back to.

9)"We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many year ago, it began. We started to separate."

Combine the sentences.

"We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many years ago, we started to separate."

10) "I turned my eyes toward the window, allowing the sight of the rolling hills to comfort me. The trees were so tall that even the sun seemed to pale in comparison- an impossibility, perhaps, but there it was all the same."

The reader knows it is impossible. It's what makes the comparison make sense.

11) "The sky may have been nothing to look at for a foreigner, but those gray clouds were familiar, and thus relaxing." Cut out "and thus"

12) "My head snapped towards the sound I had become so accustomed to- and there he was, in all his glory." Just say it's Richard. I don't like having to do work while I'm reading. The reader may not remember Richard has brown hair, and even if the context clues don't tip them off, it still feels like name dropping when you finally do say his name. I'm not saying you have to go right out and say "Here's Richard!" but just let the reader know it's Richard you're talking about.

13) Ok, so the whole vision thing. "This was merely a vision my mind had concocted of subconscious thoughts." No. It's not. It is a vision that she is being dragged into. Saying that it is a product of her mind confuses the reader into thinking the whole scene is just a dream and holds no real meaning, even if it just for a short time. You don't want your important moment messed up by someone going "wait, is this a dream or a vision? Is this real? Is anything real? What is life?" (that last part was just me)

13) 2015? Ok, I had been operating under the assumption that either this world didn't have any real connection to this world, or that it was taking place in the present. If it is the latter you need to specify that at the beginning of the book.
If this world has no connection to our own, DO NOT USE THE BC/AD SYSTEM. I cannot stress this enough. BC/AD was all based on the life of Christ. Unless Jesus is a major figure in your world, you need to create your own timeline, or just mention time in its relation to the current time.
(ie "I am caught in a time loop, about twenty years from your current time.")

14) Time is a tricky thing to write, just a heads up.

Ok, that about does it for me for this chapter. I will probably do a follow up to this review after your mass edit, just to see if there are any other things that catch my eye.

Hey, if you get around to it (and if you can stomach it) can you just pop in a take a gander at some of my work, even if it is just the prologue. I'm having a hard time getting reviews, most likely to the content ratings. If you don't want to I really can't blame you. My stories are not for most people.

The Neighborhood Jack***,

Jimss




SilloriaD says...


I will say I've purposely left the time period the story takes place in completely ambiguous. It's SUPPOSED to make the reader think. I've already dropped plenty of hints about it, actually. No one has quite caught on yet, and I'm proud of that. If I write everything correctly, the time period should not be revealed until near the very end of the story. Rest assured that it is an intentional mystery.

I have a joke about Jesus planned for later on in the story, don't you worry. He most certainly exists here.

I feel like it wasn't that hard to realize, hey that's Richard. Especially when he's mentioned a few paragraphs down. Really, there's no other important male character it could be, except maybe her brother, but it's been established what Richard looks like and therefore I feel no need to specify. I appreciate the advice, however.

There's nothing wrong with a reader learning a new word once or twice while reading a new story.

I plan on using the edits you have suggested as far as some earlier sentences when I do my mass edit. Thanks for reviewing!

By the way, I am from the states. Indiana, actually. So, yes, I get the jokes. :-)



jimss23 says...


Ok, I understand about the time thing. Makes sense to me as that's the way I originally read it.
Jesus jokes are my favorite
You are right, I can recognize him, but I would say just add a little more detail so there is no other possibility.
:) You're right.
I hope you find these reviews useful. Let me know when the other chapters are up and I will be happy to review them.



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Fri Feb 10, 2017 1:50 am
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Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review! I haven't read the previous chapters so if I get anything wrong, let me know.

I think there are places in this chapter, even though it is already broken up into different paragraphs, can be broken up more into some more paragraphs. It'll help the reader be able to pick up from where they were at because when there are bigger paragraphs, some people have a harder time finding where they started or ended.
The way you brought out this chapter is making me wonder why they are going to Munich (and that also gives me a background behind the MC adventure/place in this novel). I'm guessing that they are all going on a family trip. As I was continuing reading this paragraph, I'm confused by who is this family. Like you mention somewhere in here that they have descended from great composers of Europe, who has mostly been skilled in magick. Now, I don't know if the composers in that time period actually knew about magick or possibly agree with what magick was. Basically, what I think the family is, are a bunch of magick users in present time who are possibly going to be using their skills in a cool music competition. I might be wrong so do correct!

As we rounded a corner, Mother and Father finished their humming harmony and the car was once again silent. The melodious sounds had managed to lighten the mood in the enclosed space, but it was not to last.


The second sentence in this first paragraph should go before the first one. I feels a bit out of order without doing so because you should say 'the melodious sounds had managed to lighten the mood in the enclosed space, but it was not to last. As we rounded the corner...,' you get the idea. It is always important to have events in some type of order so that the reader can imagine what is going to happen next. Writers tend to mistaken the order of events without even realizing but that's okay because people make mistakes and we learn from them.

We had been so close when we were younger, but after his ceremony so many year ago, it began.


What's the ceremony about? I think it'd be best if you hint at what it is (unless you mentioned it beforehand in the previous chapter) but! it doesn't hurt to mention it again because some readers (like myself :P) might not know what anything is.
I like your description of the two siblings. It almost reminds me of my own sibling relationship but stricter, I suppose. Kinda like that feeling that Adrian is the 'better' sibling or the 'favorite' out of the two.

The sky may have been nothing to look at for a foreigner, but those grey clouds were familiar, and thus relaxing.


Where it says 'and thus relaxing', you were either need thus or and but not both. Thus, in general, is used for the past and to indicate a conclusion. For example: both sides played well, thus no winner was declared. I at times misuse thus to because habit and habits are hard to break xP but in the near future, think before you write. Much like planning, your future self will be thanking you for your writing.

The pacing to where the MC wakes up in the car feels a bit rushed but in this case, that's a good thing because she suddenly inside another car.

This was merely a vision my mind had concocted of subconscious thoughts. Still, laying my eyes on him made me happy regardless. I noted that he spoke in the language of Americans, which I had been teaching him over time.


As I was continuing reading, it mentions here that is a vision. Then later on you mention how they could talk to her. For some reason, I thought she was a ghost and they didn't notice she was there. Like, in the movies how they would float up higher and see the MC's tragic backstory, type of thing. It's a little confusing as to how that is placed. Also, just say American instead of 'the language of the Americans' because that can be confusing with North and South America.

Overall, I'm excited to see what happens next in the following chapters. I might have to go back and read the first two chapters (including the prologue because I need a background of what is happening, in general). But, from this chapter, I'm getting the feeling that the narrator is going to have these random dizziness spells because of a girl trying to contact her. I'm also wondering who the girl is but you foreshadow it might be her? If you write the next chapter, tag me please.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




SilloriaD says...


Most of your questions are answered by the first chapter and the prologue. :-) Even if you don't review those, I think it would help you a lot if you went back and read those, then revisited this. I will definitely swap those two lines in a future mass edit I'm planning for after chapter three. I could revisit the subject of the ceremony here, but it would just be repetitive to those who have read from the beginning of the story.

I'm happy you enjoyed the description of the siblings, since this story is greatly theirs. Thank you so much for your time and your review!



SilloriaD says...


As for the mention of the vision, that's just what Rebecca assumed at first, as incorrect as she was.




Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander