E - Everyone

The best Day Ever

I remember that day like it was yesterday. The day I got the best horse in the world. Want to know the story?

Everything was perfect in my world, I was doing my favorit thing and I was doing it well. Diablo lowered his head as we cantered swiftly towards the jump, just as we reached the rail Diablo rocketed into the air obviously enjoying the exercise. I patted his dappled neck and slowed him down Sara, my best friend cheered "Nice one! You make it look so easy!" She said longingly, I laughed and trotted Diablo ever to her "It's all this big guy don't look at me!" Mrs. Juliard our riding instructor cleared her throat and gave us 'the look' clearly saying "Stop talking" I let Diablo stretch out and layed down the reins, he touched noses with Cinnamon Sara's bay mare, we watched the other students do their rounds and soon after the lesson was over. I walked Diablo to the large light barn and put him on the cross ties with Cinnamon, I un-did the girth and slid the saddle off his back laying it on the saddle rack with his bridle and bell boots. I began the slow task of washing his coat and brushing out any knots in his black mane. When he was compleatly clean I clipped on a lead line and walked him to the back paddock, and let him run around. I stood there watching him prance around like a colt then as if I was following orders I walked to the barn and strait to Espirit's stall. Espirit was our brood mare who was going to have a foal any day now, When I peeked over the edge of her stall I saw her laying in the sawdust, I dropped the lead line and ran for the emergency phone that was in the office. I dialed our vets number and it rang for a few moments before a desk clerk answered "Dr. Thomsons office how can I help you?" The lady said in a bored voice, "This is the Sunny Ridge Farms, we have a brood mare and I think she is about to drop the foal!" I said in as calm as I could the lady seemed to be talking to somebody in the back but returned and said quickly "Dr. Thomson is on his way." I slamed down the phone and ran to find Jack the stable owner, I found him talking to Mrs. Juliard about an up coming horse show, I stopped infront of them and said quickly "Espirit is having the foal!" Jack nodded and we headed back to the barn, Espirit was sweating heavily and you could see white around her eyes. Jack opened the door and stepped inside talking quietly to calm the mare. I left them and ran to find Sara she would never forgive me if she missed this, I found her in the paddock feeding Cinnamon carrots and loving on the horse I grabbed her arm and started back to the barn yelling, "Espirit is having her foal!" Sara stopped straining and ran with me slamming the fence door closed. When we got back to the stall Espirit was straining and Jack was stroking her neck calmingly just then the the vet came in with his bag of stuff. I watched with wrapped attention right until the end. That really sealed the deal about me being a vet, just seeing something come into the world was amazing. The foal had Espirits white coat, Jack made us leave when she had the foal he said Espirit should be alone with the foal so they could imprint properly. I had heard stories about horses who hadn't been imprinted with their dam's imediatly, my father had once told me that a stable hand found a new born foal and moved it and after three days the dam didn't take care of it and he had to bottle feed the foal. To this day that colt is the best horse in the world. He grew up to be an amazing jumper, making it in the Grand Prix and several other world wide shows. 

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

I thought this was brilliant, although I have to agree about the layout. I've mentioned this on another review I done earlier. It's just that it can make all the different with a reading deciding to read on or not.

I was hooked from the start but some people may have viewed and decided not to read on. It was a shame if people did though, because they really did miss out!

Thanks for sharing. :)

User avatar
Dutiful
Review
Dutiful wrote a review · Wed May 01, 2013 6:17 am

Hiya! This is a very beautiful experience, thank you for sharing it with us :)

I didnt find many mistakes, it was very beautifully written. I feel, you could have broken it down into smaller paragraphs.

I found a spelling error somewhere in the last lines.

I watched with wrapped attention till the end


Did you mean rapt attention?

Anyways, that was the only one I found :)

I let Diablo stretch out and layed down the reins, he touched noses with Cinnamon Sara's bay mare, we watched the other students do their rounds and soon after the lesson was over.


There were too many commas here I felt. It should have been more like,
I let Diablo stretch out and laid the reins as he touched noses with Cinnamon, Sara's bay mare. We watched the other students..


See, how easier it is for us to read?

Other than that, I didnt find any other problems.

Clearly, this is such a beautiful experience. You were so lucky to be a part of it :)
Thank you for sharing it with us(I already said that).

Good job.

Keep writing!
-Divz

User avatar
Cyb3rBlade
Review

:)
I really liked this sentence: "Everything was perfect in my world, I was doing my favorit thing and I was doing it well.", although I would have written it like this: "Everything was perfect in my world; I was doing my favorite thing, and doing it well." Note the semicolon, comma, and E. I will assume that you have ridden horses and such, and know the correct terminology. (I don't, although I do know that a canter is between a trot and a gallop.) You had some nice storytelling, but your mechanics are weak. Watch for missed commas and missed periods.
The writing sounds like it flowed out of someone's mouth without much preparation; details are given without commas, straining sentence flow. For the speed you tell the story at, if you mention details like carrots, it should be in parentheses. Alternatively, you could slow down and use a few more sentences.
Here's a section of your story with my editing, a particularly sloppy section:

Espirit was our brood mare who was going to have a foal any day now. When I peeked over the edge of her stall, I saw her laying in the sawdust. I dropped the lead line and ran for the emergency phone that was in the office. I dialed our vet's number and it rang for a few moments before a desk clerk answered.
"Dr. Thomsons office, how can I help you?" The lady said in a bored voice.
"This is the Sunny Ridge Farms, we have a brood mare and I think she is about to drop the foal!" I said in as calmly as I could.
The lady seemed to be talking to somebody in the back but returned and said quickly, "Dr. Thomson is on his way."
I slammed down the phone and ran to find Jack the stable owner.

There it is in a good a loose orthodox as I know how; It should give you a idea of what it should look like. Other people are far better at explaining comma usage, particularly in regard to quotation marks.
Always read over your work at least once to check for grammar and spelling errors, especially if you're not using a good word processor.
Keep up the good work.
:)

This was a ver touching story the only thing I was not impressed with was the fromatting you chose. It is just one continous sentance. I would love to see it in paragraphs instead of one large paragraph. It would be easier to read and help the story progress in a more productive framework. H

Hope this helps!

If you have time I would love to hear a response to some of my works!
work.php?id=96875
work.php?id=94193
work.php?id=85747



Paint me green and call me Shrek because I am swamped >.>
— Plume