The rapid water was like giant sea monsters swallowing hard. The water grabbing my thin body, pulling it up and down as I tried to grasp as much air as possible. I was sure this was the end. Any time I came above the surface I would struggle to get my bearings but all I could see was more dark ravishing water and it drank me in. The water iced me to the bone as I fell beneath the surface, all my strength left somewhere far away. This had to be the end. I was almost happy it was.
@
The shore line lapped lightly against the black shoreline, and he watched from the balcony of the ancient estate. Everything was in its place, every piece of sand, every rock. Everything he knew growing up was where it should be. He looked around the balcony and at the old manor walls, not a single stone scratched or broken. The restoration went well over this summer.
His dark eyes then scanned the horizon, a ship lay near the end of the earth, watching it for a while he sipped a cup of black tea and relaxed in the early morning chill as he did every morning.
His normal routine was interrupted when something steadily caught his eye on the shore. Three young children leaning over a beached animal. He smiled at the children’s curiosity and he watched them for a while to feed his own curiosity and amusement. His eyes stayed in placed and his brow started to knit as he realized it wasn’t an animal; but a woman.
“My lord where are you going?!” An old woman bellowed after him as he ran down to stables.
The children had left by the time he arrived. The small limp body lay at the waters edge. A fragile looking young woman, most likely about 19, lay in the coarse black sand. Her dark brown hair was tangled around her arms, her clothing looking ripped and old. Daniel swiftly slid down his horse, Camry, and held the small body in his arms. Daniel ran his fingers over her wrists and felt for a pulse. She was still alive, but barely. He put his hand on her forehead, it was like an oven. This girl was sick, very sick.
Daniel held her close to his body, leaped up on Camry who trotted back to the estate. He looked down at the woman in his arms, she was beautiful. She had a beautifully defined chin, and large tender rosy lips. He felt them beckoning him in. But propriety flooded back in, so he just stared down at her woefully. He held the small women closer to him as he started to gallop. He wanted to save her, no matter what it took. He had to know who she was and what happened to her.
@
A cloud cushioned my body, the whole world was warm and sweaty. I kept my eyes closed and turned over. If this was heaven, I could wait ten minutes to finally see it. I tucked the thick blanket under my chin, and relaxed. I heard a door creak open, footsteps followed, and a door close lightly. I did not open my eyes, not yet; I didn’t want to know my fate. Not yet.
“The girl is doing well, and should wake up soon” A small tweaked voice scratch out, it sounded like it was painful just for this man to talk. I cringed lightly.
“I have experience in the medical field if you are aware doctor.” This voice was nothing like the other, deep and demanding, this voice was controlled and forceful, like a captain or drill Sargent.
“Let us focus on the task at hand. Have you found out anything about her from the townsfolk?” My mind shattered as a dream interrupted the world I didn’t even know yet.
“Do not dare talk to me like that again!” A man stood in front of me. He was tall, and strong with his stance. A pain seared through my face as I fell to the floor, holding my cheek.
An image ran through my mind. But that’s all that came to me, everything else felt blank. Whoever I thought of, he is the reason I am here, I know that much. Heaven, hell, or earth. I am here because of him. I can feel it in my bones.
“Nothing sir, some men and I have asked around but nothing about a missing woman” A cold rough hand touched my arm. My eyes finally jolted open; a huge pair of spectacles eyed me down. I jolted back falling to a soft carpeted floor. My breath became heavy and it felt musty making it hard to breath. I tried to grasp as much air possible but it never felt enough.
Arms wrapped around me, not the rough cracked ones though. These were soft and warm. My gaze caught the dark grey eyes that captured me. His eyes had a hint of green in them which confused me, yet intrigued me. Our eyes locked, my hand drew up to his face, but pulled back quickly when he broke the gaze and glared at the doctor.
“Are we sure she is not balmy on the crumpet?” The doctor uttered, the man held me tighter, pressing me against chest. His shirt was thin and I could feel his soft muscles. My bones shuttered.
“No” The man barked back at the doctor “She is probably running from something…Someone”
@
The first thing Daniel had noticed was her eyes. Big emerald green eyes. How could anything this beautiful be insane, she was probably just still dazed from everything. He set her back down on the small bed, and pulled the blanket up to her chest.
“Leave me with the girl.” Daniel said, the small fat doctor nodded and left the room slamming the door behind him. Daniel starred at the young women; she starred back just as evenly. She seemed dazed still, but he had to ask her some questions.
“What’s your name dear?” Daniel whispered, trying to make his voice as soft and caring as possible, something he was not used to. The women gave him a confused look, and stumbled out,
“I…I don’t remember” She whispered, Daniel smiled seating himself next to her on the bed. The covers were crimson as well as most of the room. He always found this room to be very comfortable and cozy.
“Do you remember anything about your past?”
“I remember being slapped by a man… with a strong voice like your own…” She quirked her head, “But he never spoke softly, not to anyone…” Daniel frowned thinking of himself.
“You seem to remember more about this man then yourself”
“I did not want to remember myself”
“Why?”
“I do not know, I just know I don’t want to remember.”
@
The beautiful man got up off the bed, looking at me sadly. He seemed excited when he had first started the questions, but now leaving with no answers or further knowledge on myself.
The man in my vision before look sad, like the beautiful man. He held my hands tightly. The man had light blond hair, and light skin with freckles on his nose.
“Violet…”
“Wait.” I said, the beautiful man stood at the doorway, holding it ajar. He looked back woefully “My name is Violet” The man grinned and came back over to the bedsitting on the edge.
“I am Daniel Decker, Duke of Dunmore” Then he got up and walked out, smiling. I rested my head back against the cushions and felt myself fall back into the abyss.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like your story but it does need to be read over. Also....I like the idea of changing the perspective but if you want both of the point of views than third person is a great thing to use. If not so, then have one chapter narrated by one character and the next chapter narrated by that next. Make the change of narrators into a pattern. Other than that, I enjoyed this first chapter. Keep writing.
I like your story idea and the changing points of view, but I suggest using first person for all of it or third person for all of it. It isn't super important but it makes the writing better. On a word document, try changing the font between people so we can tell they are different. Or put the person's name at the start of their section.
Barely is spelled with the L and E switched. Simple mistake.Now nitpicks:
Since you have two clauses on each side of the semi-colon, I'd suggest making it a period. Right now it's bordering on a run-on.
Two things about this. I figure the man is shouting so add an exclamation point or at least a period. And second, I don't know why you used "do not" instead of "don't" but the phrase flows better with a contraction. If you had a reason though, that's fine as is.
You seem to like to use either fragments or almost run-ons. There were a couple other spots where a period would have worked better than a semi-colon but it's not necessary. Here the period after earth should be a semi-colon.
Other than my nitpicks and the suggestion about point-of-view, I really liked the story. I hope you write more to it.
Hi there!
First off I want to let you know that I enjoyed reading this. It kept me guessing the whole time. My suggestions are in red in the spoiler.
Spoiler
This was a good story although it did have some grammer and spelling mistakes. If you read through it again and fix the errors, it'll be a great story. Keep writing!
Nitpicks
Nice similie though.Be careful not to contradict yourself. The first time you mention it, it's the MC's thought, the second time it's a fact. Which is it?
I don't understand the point in this part either...
I think you need to give this a good read through again, out loud if possible. That often helps me to hear and then be able to rectifty my mistakes.