Hi Everyone!
Decided to delete this story because I really didn't like it, but thank you so much for the help!
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
This feels like you weren't fully into it. Like Elinor and emmylou1995 said, it fell a little flat. You were trying to make us want more, but all that I felt was confusion. Develop your characters more, and it should make more sense. You want your reader to say, "Wow," not "Huh?"
This has potential, so don't give up. Keep writing. Remember, editing and rewriting are 90% of the writing process.
-youreit
Okay, Shishu95, I think Elinor is right. Its falls a little flat. Maybe, instead of using just the girls feelings and thoughts, you could incorporate them into a small prologue. It would create a more...intersteing and non-confusing prologue.
Dont get me wrong, the whole reason to have a prologue in the first place is to make the readers want answers.
Its a nice start, but add more into it. It could potentially be really good.
Hey Elinor
Thanks for the review! It helped
Well i was thinking of making it like an introduction, and then answering all the questions along the way you know?
Do you think that'll be too confusing..?
I was hoping I could make people want to read it more since there are so many unanswered questions, so as you read the book you understand all that happens to her and stuff.
Hey!
I'll say that it would be really hard to write an emotional and engaging story with compelling characters in six paragraphs, and I respect you for even attempting it. However, I'm sorry to say that it falls flat. It feels like a distant dream of sorts.
1. NITPICKS
Literally or figuratively? Neither seems to make much sense, so maybe you could expand upon this a little bit more.
Just think of a name, any name. Even if you don't use it in your final draft, it would cover it up and not make this so distracting.
I don't like the word commodity. It makes me think of something packaged up in a little box, bland and paralleled. Also, care and support are pretty much the same thing, so you can just use one word.
2. FINAL THOUGHTS
I think you were trying to shove too much into a short amount of story. A Cancer, a romance, and it showed. What do you want the story to focus on? It felt disjointed and distant. I didn't know anything about the characters and thus they seemed like cardboard cutouts to me. Give the girl a name. How did she get cancer? How long has she been in the hospital? Maybe you could describe a specific experience. What is the love interest like? What's his personality and name? It's got a unique premise and I can tell it will go somewhere if you work at it and make it longer.
PM me if you need anything!
-Elinor xo