Lost Innocence

Hi! Have to congratulate you on getting the rhythm down, it's not an easy thing to do, even though I have to admit 4th stanza 4th verse was like tripping over a rock during a joyful adventure back to the past. It has a good impression that many (the older the better) can relate to, but the way you ended it made me deny the poem. It's bitter, that's fine, but it spells despair, negativity, and I couldn't agree with it, but that's because of a different view point. Aside that, a job well done on the rhythm, good luck and have fun writing more!

Hi there and Happy Review Day!! I am going to do something diffrent for your poem than how I normally review which is to state what I liked then what I didn't. I think there is so much for each I will cover it stanza by stanza. I hope it helps.

First Stanza: I liked how you started your rhymes. It sets the mood and tone for the rest of the poem. You did well with it. However, your diction was a bit odd to me. Your speech is very young sounding which if that is what you wanted then great, but if not you may want to fix that. In particular, the line "When I think I was like 10" shows that. Also the very last line is confusing. Are you saying you only told the truth or you always lied. The meaning is rather unclear in that line.

Second Stanza: This is my favorite stanza. I loved it so much because of its great continous flow and emotion. Great job, really nothing to critisize for this stanza.

Third Stanza: This one had more silly mistakes than anything. You wrote thay instead of they and forgot to capatilize an I. The line "People what thay seem, is not what they think" that didn't really make sense to me. Like the first stanza's last line. It seems like it is just missing a word somewhere. I did however love how you made me feel your heart break. I would have loved to have known what caused it.

Fourth Stanza: This is my second favorite stanza. Ther is just one thing I think you should fix. The line "I felt I was trapped, there was just no way!" was once again a line where I didn't feel you had writen it in the mature voice the rest of your poems possess.

Fifth Stanza: For such strong rhymes in this poem I think this stanza was rather weak when it came down to it. There are so many words to rhyme with it and the repeatition of the words find it doen't have a strong feeling behind it like repeatition should. It almost seems like it was lazy at that point. (I really don't mean that to offend you)

Sixth Stanza: It isn't really a stanza but a really good couplet. The two lines provide a strong ending to a great poem. It is full of emotion and one of the stongest parts of the poem.

Overall: This is a great poem with a lot of emotion. I really enjoyed it. It had a really nice flow and strong rhyme scheme and emotion. Great job and keep writing!

Hey there Speakerskat here to review for ya and team Dreamwave!

Wow your right this was pretty depressing but oh so lovely in it's own way. I really really liked the message it conveyed to your readers, how at firt life is just a bowl of sugar and everything is just hunky dorey and perfect and then what happens! Life comes to a harsh reality , very well described on your part. I would have liked to see a little glimmer of hope somewhere toward the end, like a mysterious inderict hint that keeps the readers guessing... but I guess that would defeat the whole depressing point so, I don't know it's just my personal opinion. I really like your dictation and how relatable it was.

Nicely done and keep it up!

~Speakerskat

I think the rhyming scheme actually kind of worked in this piece. I don't normally say that because rhyming usually seems forced and hackneyed, but I honestly didn't notice until my second read. Instead of sounding trite, the rhyming actually added a cadence to this poem that I think works very well. In one way, it's emphasizing the lost innocence of the speaker.

The structure also looks very nice, and I like in general how the poem looks and feels. In fact, the form you chose seems extremely familiar, but I can't put a name to it. At any rate, it works.

What's holding this poem back, though, is emotional depth. The third stanza is supposed to explain why the speaker is so fond of the post and why she feels that she has lost her innocence, but it's too vague and undefined to have any sort of emotional punch. It could be something as benign as being upset over an ex, or something else much sinister.

What I'd recommend is rewriting just the first two lines of the third stanza (the last two work pretty well). Don't say, "as I grew up," instead, get to the heart of why the speaker felt compelled to say this. She's not ruminating over nostalgia; she's mourning because something happened at a precise point in time. You don't need to say what that something was, but you should emphasize some sort of event that changed her.

Don't be afraid to get personal either. At the moment, I feel like I'm reading something where the speaker really wants to say something, but is hiding behind a bush from 100 yards away.

You've got something good here, and now all you need to do is cut straight to the reader's gut.

Oh..

This is sad...

Okay, firstly, remember to capitalize those i's!

thay is they....

I think everyone finds this one way or another...

And I think everyone goes through this phase at one point or another...

I like how you wrote it out, so we know what it really is like.

I would like to see more.

I like this....

Thanks,

Team Fire Flower,

pegasusgirl2

shiksha it is a nice stuff! grt! it is better than ur previous stuff! sorry for making the comparison. but really it is a nice stuff. ur stanzas are very well constructed. the rhyming scheme is perfect. u followed the "ababab.." pattern which is a good pattern to follow.
the poetry really have emotional content attached to it. awesome stuff!

keep writing like this dear!