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Vyheria - Prologue

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Prologue

“No one chose these two, huh?” The young man said, looking down at the two children before him. One was a red-haired, red-eyed girl, and just about asleep. Her hands glowed an orange-red, so hot they distorted the air around them. The other child was a blond-haired boy with piercing blue eyes. His body was covered in scratches and bleeding wounds, and while he appeared awake, his hollow eyes suggested just barely.

The woman leaning on the garden pillar beside the man nodded in disappointed agreement. “None of the other magicians wanted to deal with their baggage. His magic went out of control and killed his mother and cousin, and put his father in a coma. Her magic is... well, you know who her mother was.” She stared at the boy's cold, hollow eyes. “I would take him as my apprentice, but the queen can't show any form of favoritism.”

“Sylvetta... Is there not a rule that archmages can take on two apprentices..?” The man asked, turning to look his companion in the eyes.

Sylvetta hesitated, avoiding his gaze. “Technically, yes, you could, but Meru, you're a Terramancer. What could you do to train an Ignismancer and a Glacimancer?”

“I knew the girl's mother. We trained together for many years, and I remember what her mentor did. I even still have the gloves. And Glacimancy and Terramancy are similar enough for me to train him, and you can fill in the blanks for me. No rules prevent you from helping.”

“I don't know...”

“Sylvetta, listen to me,” Meru said, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her into forced eye-contact. “These two children could be unbelievably powerful, if we teach them the right way. An Ignisamplus and a Glacimancer with access to Absolute 0 at age six? They could change everything. Win the war. Save thousands. Would you rather these talented children spend their days living a modest life, she a blacksmith and he a fisherman, until they die a quiet death, never having used the gifts that the Goddess gave them—no, gave us?”

Sylvetta said nothing, instead leading Meru away from the palace courtyard in a few dozen regal strides to the noble cemetery. It was not large, but each grave contained one of the greatest heroes in Regia. Down the middle was a wide gravel pathway dividing the cemetery in half, and at the end were three tombstones. There was a stone shaped like a raindrop on the left, a stone with a leaf shape on the right, and in the center was a flame-shaped stone. Sylvetta traced her fingers down the side of the flame, and across the words engraved on the front.

“Yuana Exliore”

Ignismancer, Aged 27

Second Archmage

Few men or women would have

fought with the determination

she did, even in the face of

the wyvern queen herself.”

“What would Yuana have wanted? There was a reason she ordered this girl to be hidden in a farming town for six years. I don't believe she would have wanted her daughter to be caught up in this war.” Sylvetta spoke softly, blinking back a subtle glimmer in her eye.

Meru was silent for a long time. Finally, he opened his mouth, but forming words appeared difficult. “We left that day hoping to end the war. We wanted to come back to a kingdom of peace...Yuana hoped that her daughter would be able to grow up in a safe Vyheria, not one torn by a century-old war. But... But that can never happen, not as long as this war continues. I'm confident that Yuana would have wanted her daughter, and for that matter that gifted boy as well, to pick up where we left off, so that every other mother can be confident her children will grow up in a safe Vyheria.”

Sylvetta looked away, wiping a tear from her eye. Meru wrapped an arm over her shoulder, a sob escaping his throat. She seemed to be trapped in a recollection of painful memories, memories Meru recalled better than anyone. “Where did it go wrong?” She asked, looking at the two other graves. “How did we screw up that badly?”

“We couldn't possibly have known that Xanus was going to tell the wyverns our plan. It was his fault that they died, and no one else's.”

“The plan was ridiculous to begin with. Seven people taking out the entire wyvern army? What the hell were we thinking?” Sylvetta sighed, regathering herself.

“Who came up with the plan?”

“It was the prophecy, that if a party of seven with each elemental type were to attack Castelli on the full moon--”

“No,” Meru interrupted. “Who decided that we should fulfill the prophecy?”

Sylvetta stopped, rereading the gravestone in front of her. “Yuana did. It was Yuana's idea. She was more driven to end the war than any of us.” Everything began to fall into place. “And she would want her child to do what she could not... She would have the girl fight.”

Meru smiled as Sylvetta rushed back to the courtyard where the two children were still lying. The boy had fallen asleep, but in no way looked peaceful in the act. “Neither of them have names, do they?” Sylvetta asked.

“No. The boy... We can call him Navarre, Navarre Septiem. And the girl. She can't know who her mother was.”

“Exliana Yuore. She probably won't realize the similarity in her name, but it still keeps her connected to her mother. Now, I'm going to retrieve Yuana's gloves. You kept them in your storage shed, correct?” Sylvetta was already walking away as she asked.

Meru nodded. “Yes, you'll find them there. Bring me the keys too.” Sylvetta was gone, heading to the village district where Meru lived. Now alone, he looked down at the two sleeping children before him. Kneeling, he got a good look at Exliana. She looks just like Yuana, he noted in his head. Then he inspected Navarre. The boy had seen a lot at such a young age, and done a lot too. But he would do a lot more in the years to come.

He stood up again, looking to the bleeding sky. The horizon was pulling the sun under, consuming its light from the world, and yet the sun was still struggling to shine. Meru took a deep breath. Somewhere among the new generation of magicians lie the keys to the prophecy, someone among them will lead Vyheria to peace , Meru thought. Pray to the goddess that they emerge soon.

Comments & reviews · 3
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shusher
Review
shusher wrote a review · Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:05 pm

Main key points:
Description is an absolute must.
There's not a lot of anchoring plot points.


Okay, I mentioned this as a comment in the first chapter, using pronouns at the beginning of a chapter. I can understand, for the most part, why you use it here. It may be that's it just not my cup of tea, but I would ask others about this specifically.

-Recommendation: If you wish to continue without the names, you may want to use some description of the man and woman, such as a coat, shoes, maybe spectacles, glasses, cuffs, etc.

Refrain from using Ignis*** and glaci**** more than necessary.

These 2 main characters sound overpowered. This will make it hard to relate to them later on.

The names of sylvetta and Meru are pretty sweet, though.

That run-on sentence in Meru's first monologue is a good thing. I, at least, felt the anxiousness in his voice.

There's apparently a war. I recommend some narrating before this prologue to set that up. It seems less cliche if it isn't introduced by a character.

Meru really enjoys the cities name, 'vyhera'

"Everything fell into place. 'She would have her fight.'" You're already showing everything is falling into place, you don't need to say it.

After finishing the whole thing, the prologue is okay. It has a strong mystery behind a few things that don't seem to need to exist. For example, what's with the war? How did it start? Why did it start?

Then, there's some setting issues. What's vyheria? Where are they speaking right now? And what do these characters even look like?

Thanks for the review!

I shall most certainly come back to this review for future chapters and drafts, especially the first several comments. (Such as description. Oh, boy do I need to work on that.) And expect that future chapters will contain some answers to your matter questions.

Thanks again!
- Shey

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:58 pm

Hi, Sheyren! I thought I'd swing by and review your first LMS instalment, as I really would like to keep track of as many novels as possible. I'm going to start out with smaller comments about grammar, punctuation and prose, then I'll close the critique with some more in-depth overall thoughts. Let's go!

Small Comments

“No one chose these two, huh?” The young man said, looking down at the two children before him.


Like Biscuits, I think this is a great opening line, but I have a small nitpick. For the most part, you've got your dialogue punctuation down pat, but I noticed some consistent capitalisation errors. Even when dialogue closes with a question or exclamation mark, as it does here, the reporting clause shouldn't have a capital letter.

"The format is like this!" somebody shouted
"Does that make sense?" said another.


I know it's an odd rule, because in all other circumstances you would use a capital after such punctuation. I could delve into the syntactic reasons for the exception and waffle on about the dialogue being a sort of fronted object of the verb 'said' and all that jazz, but I'll spare you. Just remember: a dialogue tag should never have a capital letter (unless, of course, it begins with a proper noun).

His body was covered in scratches and bleeding wounds, and while he appeared awake, his hollow eyes suggested just barely.


Could you tighten up your expression here? 'His body was scratched and bleeding' might be a more succinct alternative to the bold. Also, I don't know if it's just me, but there's something awkward about the 'his hollow eyes suggested just barely' part. While I do catch the meaning, it sounds weird in my head, so maybe jiggle the line around and see if you can find a more natural way to express it.

“None of the other magicians wanted to deal with their baggage. His magic went out of control and killed his mother and cousin, and put his father in a coma. Her magic is... well, you know who her mother was.” She stared at the boy's cold, hollow eyes. “I would take him as my apprentice, but the queen can't show any form of favoritism.”


I'm going to have to disagree with Biscuits here, because I do feel like you're a bit heavy handed with the exposition in places. I felt addressed at this part, like you were trying too much to make sure I understood. Mostly, I think it comes from subtle things, such as your specifying that it's the magicians who didn't want to deal with the baggage, and having the speaker say outright that she's the queen. Moments like that pluck me out of the story because they detail things that both speakers would know, which means they're only saying them for my benefit, which means that I remember I'm reading and the immersion is lost.

How to fix it? Be more sparing with the details. The reader only needs enough to get by. If I was going to edit some of the more glaring exposition out of this, I might do something like this:

“None of them wanted to deal with the baggage. The boy lost control at some point - mother and cousin killed, father put in a coma. The girl's magic is... well, you know who her mother was.” She stared at the boy's cold, hollow eyes. “I would take him as my apprentice, but I can't show favouritism.”

This could probably be stripped back further, to be honest, but it gives you an idea. When writing dialogue, always ask yourself: what is shared knowledge among the speakers? Would they say what they're saying if a reader was not listening in? The trick of exposition in dialogue is to blend it in completely. If I feel like it's being said for my benefit, the illusion shatters.

“How did we screw up that badly?”

“We couldn't possibly have known that Xanus was going to tell the wyverns our plan.


Not to harp on about exposition, but this was a moment that stuck out to me as notably glaring. Sylvetta presumably knows that this Xanus betrayed them to the wyverns, so why would Meru summarise it to her? It would be like a family member asking me 'how was your day?' and me responding with 'I had a great time at the university studying English Language', even though they already know what my degree is. This is what I mean when I talk about you writing to the capacity of your readers' understanding rather than your characters'.

He stood up again, looking to the bleeding sky.


Nice image.

Overall Thoughts

1) The first and most crucial comment: this prologue kept me reading. Yes, there are issues to be ironed out, but it did hold my interest and did leave me wanting to know more about the boy and girl's fates. There's just enough mystery to their backstories - particularly the boy's - that I feel invested, but not so much that I'm left feeling lost and confused.

2) Perhaps the weakest element of this chapter, as alluded to in small comments, is how you handle exposition. I do feel like you're trying too hard to familiarise the reader with your terminology, throwing '-mancer' words around and referencing 'Absolute 0' rather pointedly. Tone it down a little. The reader doesn't need to grasp everything within the prologue; it's better if they don't, because it invites intrigue and prevents them from getting too confused. I definitely think you could stand to be a bit vaguer. What with the terminology, the war, the stuff about Yuana, the prophecy and the matter of the girl and boy themselves, there's rather a lot to take in. It's not so bad that I got lost, but I felt a bit harassed in the first few paragraphs. Just take your time with it.

3) Your writing style is reserved but effective. You're not overly descriptive, which I love, and I do appreciate that you communicate exposition through dialogue. Even though you've still got to fine-tune how you do it, it's so much better than reading a lumpy paragraph reeling off details about the setting and history. I think the dialogue-heavy nature of this prologue really helps to keep it interesting. Dialogue is action, after all.

4) I do have to echo Biscuits's concerns about originality. At the moment, I've not really seen anything in this prologue that sticks out to me as unique, and I'm seeing a lot of the usual fantasy tropes kicking about - dead parent, prophesy, goddess, super-gifted children, control of the elements, a war that had a serious setback, even the exotic names that everybody has. There's nothing wrong with using tropes, but you've got to make sure you mix it up a bit. Bring something new to the table.

I think that's all I've got to say for now. Sorry if I was harsh! I do think there's plenty of good in this, but I always tend to focus on the stuff that needs work. Once you've toned down the exposition - which I think will happen naturally as you settle into the story - you'll have solved one of my major gripes. But there's certainly enough of interest here to keep me engaged, so you've cracked the first step. I'll keep my eyes peeled for the next instalment.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thanks for the review!

I'll consider a lot of the suggestions for when I go back and write a second draft! Don't think I'm ignoring your suggestions, but since it's already published, I cant be too drastic with edits. And no worries, you weren't harsh at all. Every criticism is a useful one. ;)

Thanks again!
-Shey

You're welcome! Yeah, don't worry about changing stuff straight away - I agree, that's what second drafts are for. :)

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Okay, I'm allowed one more LMS review then I have to go do my own writing things that I am currently hiding from.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

“No one chose these two, huh?” The young man said, looking down at the two children before him.

My god that's a good first sentence. I start of thinking it's going to be about cars or food or something then the deadpan abruptness of the second half of the sentence. Best first sentence of all the LMS first chapters I've read so far.

“Technically, yes, you could, but Meru, you're a Terramancer. What could you do to train an Ignismancer and a Glacimancer?”

You know when people make fun of J K Rowling because of the pig latin she uses for her spells? You're maaaybe treading that line here. Maybe you have done detailed linguistic research, but them all ending in "mancer" looks a little bit like when she sticks "io" or "um" onto the ends of words and latin-sounding roots.

An Ignisamplus and a Glacimancer with access to Absolute 0 at age six?

Now see why couldn't you have called her that the first time? Course now I also have to nag you about the fact that you seem to have changed the term for fire-magic-user halfway through...

They could change everything. Win the war.

Very very very good way to introduce that element of world-building. Nothing sounds less like exposition than a man in a panicked frenzy.

and in the center was a flam-shaped stone.

Missed an e.

No. The boy... We can call him Navarre, Navarre Septiem

That seems awfully random to have been thought up on the spot. Is there some sort of significance there?

Overall:

Before I forget - how did the children get here? What happened? I think this is a thing we should either learn in the next chapter or have already learnt by now. Otherwise it feels a bit fake, like you needed this to be where the children were and it didn't really matter how they got here. Not accusing you of that, warning you of what it could look like.

Okay, bigger issue. I don't know if it's just because I have Harry Potter in mind after I made that reference, but small child with lots of power... dead parent who was part of fighting the enemy... children don't know where they came from... war going on... benevolent knowledgeable figure (Dumbledore, don't know if that one was clear) willing to take them on... You have written this with considerable skill, so I have faith in your abilities as a writer, just make absolutely sure you have your own spin on this classic storyline. Your own theme, something crucially interesting about the kids, just something that separates this from every other Chosen One scenario.

However, I enjoyed many many things about this chapter. The explanation of plot was masterful for most of the chapter, infused with emotion enough to sneak in the exposition. The characters are well-formed yet I still have plenty I want to know about them. I don't quite know them well enough yet to get emotional with them, but I can feel the emotion that they are experiencing, and get invested in it. Feel free to let me know when the next chapter is up ^.^

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

Thanks for the review!

As an honest-to-God hater of Harry Potter, your comparisons of this to it have made me more determined to make them as different as possible. XD I think they have similar starters, but SHOULD branch from each other differently. But I definitely will keep that in mind, now that it's been brought to my attention.

As for the Latin names and such, yeah, I really should come up with more unique titles for each one, but I created those names using Latin a long time ago and had trouble parting with them because of nostalgia. Still, I may need to just do it. Also, just to put it out there, an Ignisamplus is a more specific term to describe a type of Ignismancer, but I wouldn't have expected you to understand that, since it hasn't been explained yet. Hehe mysteries~

Since this is the prologue, a lot of things haven't been explained yet. Mostly, this chapter serves to invest people and get their curious minds back for the next chapter. So expect many of your questions to be answered next week. :)

I'm really glad you enjoyed the first chapter (well, prologue)! I'm usually nervous about uploading a new story, and this is my first time seriously attempting a novel, so it's relieving to start with positive reception. I'll gladly let you know when the next chapter is up. :D

Thanks again!
-Shey

You%u2019re welcome :)



I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights