Hiya, Sheyren! Back again. Just a heads up, but any minor grammatical corrections will be shown in blue from now on. It's just for the stuff that's too small to warrant commenting on.
Small Comments
She smiled at the apprentices through her pale blonde hair, approaching them as they staredin shockat the strongest individual in Vyheria.
Honestly, I think you're better off swapping the bold for just 'her'. Something about the sentence makes it feel like 'the strongest individual in Vyheria' doesn't refer to the Queen. There's a specific reason for that - it's to do with something called binding and noun phrases not being able to have antecedents and it's all very nerdy and very boring. I'll try and explain myself with a sentence like this:
She waited while they approached the woman with blonde hair.
Here, I find it incredibly difficult to imagine that 'she' and 'the woman with blonde hair' are the same person - my instinct is to imagine that another woman is watching people approach a blonde lady. The same sort of predicament is at work in your sentence. I can't see 'she' and 'the strongest individual in Vyheria' as referring to the same thing. I only mention this because it's not the first time I've seen you use sentences like this, and they really itch at me.
Side note: no need for 'in shock'. We already know they're all shocked.
“I’m sure you all know who I am.”
Naturally, they had.
You mean 'did'?
“-best kept secret on this side of Vyheria!” Emniu blurted outin excitement.
Avoid these kind of additions. They only state the obvious.
One was a girl with red hair and red eyes, and if that didn’t confirm her alignment, the red peaked hat on her head and the red cape on her back made it clear she was an Ignismancer. The other boy had neat brown hair and dark eyes, and the long brown glove on his left arm suggested he was a Terrmancer.
Okay, you totally need to have an Aquamancer or something who constantly dresses in red and people are like?? Why don't you style yourself to reflect your element?? And they're just like 'because I look banging in red. Next question'.
(Seriously though, if I was a Terramancer and they tried to stick me in brown clothes all the time, I wouldn't stand for it.)
“Hello, newbies!” she exclaimedin excitement, her voice cheerful and upbeat. “As you were already told, my name’s Alyis, and this here’s Cre’Lo.
Yes, we were already told, and not all that long ago. No need to say it again.
Us Second Years take the left side, so you get to share one of the eight rooms on the right.”
It feels odd to capitalise this. I've never seen 'second years' be capitalised in any other context in my life, like in regards to university students or anything.
“I’m Kandi. You… you’re the Ignisamplus, aren’t you?”
Is that different to an Ignismancer?
“Exliaaaaaaana!” the green haired girl looked at Exliana through adoring eyes—eyes Exliana knew were fake.
I know you probably mean fake as in insincere, but all I could think of here was glass eyes. Like literally fake eyes.
“You were the one that got my ribbonin the entrance competition, huh? Well, good for you,” Exliana snarled.
It's unnecessary and a bit unnatural to specify that it was in the entrance competition. The speakers all know what Exliana is referring to, and so does the reader.
“I can tell you’re humiliated, seeing the thing which symbolizes your total and utter defeat. Fifteenth? That’s gotta bug the hell outta ya-” she stopped, a hand tapping on her shoulder.
Yeah, this pushes Vala too far into OTT bully territory. I don't mind her being a bit exaggerated - it's pretty funny - but this dialogue really has no subtlety in it at all.
“Finally, I found you. Vala, I think it was?” He held out the ribbon. “I believe this is rightfully yours. I accidentally nabbed it from you, but I wanted to return it. After all, it only means something to you, since you’re of course the only one who placed seventh.”
Drag her, Januse. I knew this guy was a good egg.
“I figured she was gonna be a pain. You can tell what kind of person someone is just by beating them. Oh! Where are my manners. I’m Januse.” He stuck his hand out, expecting Exliana to shake it.
Nice to meet you, new favourite character.
“Yeah, why? He’s single, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Exliana said playfully, trying to get some conversation out of Kandi.
I like the dialogue, but it doesn't quite feel right coming from Exliana. She hasn't seemed like a particularly playful person so far. I always got the impression that she took things too seriously for her own good.
“Exliana, that joint-locking technique. I don’t know much about it, but only members of a certain clan can use it. That certain clan is dangerous. Very dangerous. If Navarre is one of them, then we are in a very bad situation.”
“Guys, relax,” Exliana started. “I grew up with Navarre, and I’m fine. I’m sure this clan isn’t the only one who can use that technique, because trust me when I say that Navarre is not dangerous. Well, unless you’re sparring with him.”
I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that Naverre does hail from this dangerous clan, even if he's a good guy himself. Which begs the question of why he's performing this specific locking technique in front of fourteen sets of prying eyes. I suppose he could not be aware of where the technique originated from, but the fact that he had to keep his mentor's identity secret makes me think that that isn't the case. Seems a bit reckless to me, especially for someone who seems so careful.
“You’re probably right.” Januse relaxed, returning to the carefree person Exliana had thought he always was.
She's only just met him, though? It seems a bit early for her to be making assumptions about how he typically acts.
Overall Thoughts
Okay, so I'm definitely in two minds about this chapter. There are things I really enjoyed and that you did well, but there's also stuff that blindsided me and left me thinking 'what?' Let's talk about the less good stuff first, with a view to getting it over with.
First, the end. Judging by Bisc's review, you've already altered this once, but it's still way, way too sudden for me. It felt like someone had smacked the fast-forward button - suddenly Exliana's hearing voices, thinking she's crazy, and then there's a wyvern? Like what? I didn't even realise she'd gone outside yet; I thought they were still in some kind of corridor near the dorms. Just try and build up to it a little bit more. I think it'd be better if there was a reprieve between Exliana hearing the voices and then her being snatched, so that we at least have time to absorb the strangeness of one thing before being catapulted towards the next.
In terms of character in this chapter, Exliana feels a tad inconsistent still. I feel like you've got some traits pinned down - her hot-headedness and her inferiority complex - but you haven't quite grasped how they manifest. She's actually pretty cool in that altercation with Vala, even though I wouldn't expect that from her. Exliana's the kind of person who I can imagine responding so furiously she never comes up with good comebacks - she doesn't seem clear-headed enough for wit. I could be wrong about her, but it's the vibe I'm getting, but none of her traits seem to quite have come together into a coherent personality yet. You're getting there, though.
Vala is somewhere between funny and cringey, so I think you need to balance that better. She's a bit too much of a transparent catty bully at the minute, rather like the female counterpart to Reyvo. The difficult with parodied characters is knowing where to draw the line and keep them fro becoming ridiculous. That's something Roald Dahl is uncannily good at, actually.
Another issue is setting. There's not nearly enough description in this chapter - for all I knew, the characters might have been wandering round in mist. Considering we're exploring such an important location, you can't really get away without describing it. It also helps with coherence, as well, and positioning the characters in the scene. See how I said that I didn't even know the characters had gone outside yet when the wyvern got Exliana? Description helps eliminate confusion like that, making the events of the story much more palatable. I know it's a bore sometimes, but it's gotta be done.
Last point, and this is kind of a hybrid between positive and negative. I was really interested to find out about Naverre's potential ties to this dangerous tribe, but (as Zoom said) I wish you'd let it develop longer rather than having Kandi spill her suspicions so soon. I don't think it's unrealistic that she'd keep it to herself, given that Exliana is close to Nav. She might not want Nav to know that she recognises the technique, especially if she suspects him of being dangerous, and she doesn't know Exliana well enough to count on her discretion. So it seems like it'd be more realistic and more suspenseful to draw that out for longer.
Now, let's addressed what I loved.
a) Januse.
b) The chance to see Exliana interacting with more people other than Nav.
c) Januse.
d) The subtle way you handled the Queen's sudden departure.
e) Januse.
In seriousness, there was a lot in this chapter that really engaged me. Both Kandi and Januse seem like defined characters who could grow to become really interesting, and the pair of them contrast nicely with Exliana and her temper. The Queen's role was pretty nicely executed, as well, and even though she comes across well, I'm automatically suspicious of her. Perhaps it's just because she's an authority figure and they're never to be trusted in stories. Or perhaps it's because Alyis said 'that won't make the queen mad' - the fact that she has to contemplate the possibility makes me a tad uneasy. Maybe the Queen isn't always as nice as she seems.
Either way, her departure was well handled. It was clearly unplanned, but you didn't make the strangeness of it too obvious. That's the way to go. Try to extend the same subtlety to the finale of this chapter, then you'll be in better stead. And please, spare some setting description for my parched self. I want to know what this complex looks like.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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