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Vyheria - Chapter 6

by sheysse


The revelation that the complex they would be training in for the next two years was being concealed using some form of magic Exliana had not heard of was dwarfed by the presence of the queen herself within it. She smiled at the apprentices through her pale blonde hair, approaching them as they stared in shock at the strongest individual in Vyheria. Having received the letter from her was one thing, but seeing her in person—just a few feet away—was another thing entirely.

“Hello, students,” she said with the warm voice they had all heard before, from a distance as she gave speeches addressing citizens of the kingdom in the castle courtyard. “I’m sure you all know who I am.”

Naturally, they had. Exliana had lived her life looking up to this woman, the first archmage, and the queen of the kingdom. Presumably, so had most of the apprentices beside her. She was an idol for the younger generations, having led the raid on the wyvern kingdom that had crippled the queen of the wyvern for just over a decade. And among the current seven archmages, she had been the longest standing member.

“I’m sure my presence has taken you by surprise. It took the last few years of apprentices by surprise as well. However, you better get used to me.” Queen Syleen smiled. “You’ll be seeing a lot of me over the next two years. I visit this facility rather frequently, to check on the magicians of tomorrow. Speaking of this facility, you’re probably wondering what exactly it is. It is, my children, the-”

“-best kept secret on this side of Vyheria!” Emniu blurted out in excitement. He covered his mouth with his hand when he saw the impatient look on Queen Syleen’s face.

“This is the Frouri Dynamico,” she continued with an exasperated tone. “It will be the training ground for you and the apprentices who started this two year program last year, so you better get along. The gard-”

Queen Syleen was interrupted by a sharp noise in the folds of her white and cyan robe. It sounded like the sound two stones make when they slammed together She removed a cube-shaped stone from her pocket, a stone which Exliana thought looked extremely familiar. It appeared to be made of two smaller blocks, and upon opening it, she became captivated with whatever was inside. After staring for a moment, she sent Emniu a meaningful glance, and he nodded.

“Alyis, Cre’lo!” Emniu called, and from two doors on the building around the garden emerged two older apprentices, appearing surprised by their summoning. One was a girl with red hair and red eyes, and if that didn’t confirm her alignment, the red peaked hat on her head and the red cape on her back made it clear she was an Ignismancer. The other boy had neat brown hair and dark eyes, and the long brown glove on his left arm suggested he was a Terrmancer.

“While I would like to finish this tour myself, Emniu and I believe it would be better for you to be guided by your fellow peers. Thus, we have ranks one and two from the second years here to guide you instead.” Sylvetta gestured to the girl and then the boy. “This is Alyis, and this is Cre’lo. They will show you around for the day, and Emniu will return tomorrow to commence the first lesson.”

Before anyone had a chance even to register what she was saying, she and Emniu had stepped out of the barrier which sealed the Frouri Dynamico and walked away, back the way Emniu had led the apprentices. In a silent confusion, they turned to Alyis and Cre’Lo. Alyis was facing them, a beaming grin on her face, while Cre’Lo seemed occupied by the spot in the barrier where Queen Syleen and Emniu had gone through.

“Hello, newbies!” She exclaimed in excitement, her voice cheerful and upbeat. “As you were already told, my name’s Alyis, and this here’s Cre’Lo. As the first rank apprentice in the class a year ahead of you, I’m in charge when the professionals aren’t present, and he’s my deputy. If you got a problem, come to one of us, and we’ll deal with it.”

“We’re going to show you around the Frouri Dynamico, so, uh, follow us,” Cre’Lo said. His tone wasn’t disinterested per se, but rather he seemed almost tired when he talked.

Alyis took over being the tour guide again, and Cre’Lo didn’t seem to mind. “This is, as mentioned, the garden. You won’t do much here by way of lessons, but we have parties in it some Friday nights.” She walked over to the buildings surrounding the garden. “These are the dormitories. There’s sixteen rooms in total, eight on each side. Us Second Years take the left side, so you get to share one of the eight rooms on the right.”

“We have to share rooms?” One of the apprentices in the back of the group called out, clearly not thrilled by this. Exliana felt herself relate to this more than she had expected.

Alyis nodded. “Yip!”

“We didn’t get told who’s sharing a room with who,” Cre’Lo pointed out.

“Then we’ll have to decide for ourselves!” Alyis placed a contemplative finger on her chin. “That won’t make the queen mad, or at least it shouldn’t.”

Cre’Lo muttered something that sounded like “how annoying.”

“Hmm, okay, we’ll do the boys first. You, you’re with him. You...”

Exliana watched as Alyis went through boys, pairing them up and sending them to one of the dormitories. Navarre, she noted, had been paired up with Reyvo. That’ll be fun for both of them, she thought to herself. When Alyis finished the boys, she turned to the girls and began the same process. After a pair or so, she came to Exliana and paired her with a quiet Aquamancer.

“Alrighty, done! You can go check out your dormitories, and when you’re done, go through the main gate their to the training grounds. See ya there!” She spun around and practically bounced over to the training grounds past the garden, dragging Cre’Lo along beside her.

Exliana turned and opened the door to her dorm, inspecting it. On one side was a bunk bed, something she was all too familiar with. On the other side was a sofa, a small table, and a desk that would have to be shared. It didn’t seem like her roommate would be very demanding, however.

“What’s your name?” Exliana said, dropping herself onto the sofa. “I’m Exliana.”

The Aquamancer seemed uncomfortable talking like this, or, well, being in this situation, sharing a room with Exliana. “I’m Kandi. You… you’re the Ignisamplus, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am. Didn’t know that was a common fact in the class. Why?”

She looked away from Exliana, not that she had ever made eye contact in the first place. She’ll be an exciting roommate. “Well...” There was a knock on their door. “Ah, uh, it’s nothing.”

Interesting. Exliana expected Kandi to get the door, but she didn’t, choosing instead to look away from it. Hopping up, Exliana crossed to the door herself, pulling it open.

“Vala.” Exliana felt her fist tighten on its own.

“Exliaaaaaaana!” the green haired girl looked at Exliana through adoring eyes—eyes Exliana knew were fake. “It’s been too long, I’m offended, you haven’t said hello to me yet.”

“I hadn’t planned on it.”

“Well you better plan on it soon. Seeing as I’m your neighbor now!” She winked. “Anyhoooozies, I came to return something that’s yours. Here ya go.” From her back pocke, Vala removed a red ribbon and dangled it in front of Exliana’s face. That fist at Exliana’s side might have started swinging on its own, had it not been gently held back by Kandi, who was standing just outside the doorway’s visibility.

“You were the one that got my ribbon in the entrance competition, huh? Well, good for you,” Exliana snarled.

“I can tell you’re humiliated, seeing the thing which symbolizes your total and utter defeat. Fifteenth? That’s gotta bug the hell outta ya-” she stopped, a hand tapping on her shoulder. Popping up from behind her was a Fulgurmancer—the one Navarre had defeated. He was holding a green ribbon in his hand.

“Finally, I found you, Vala, I think it was?” He held out the ribbon. “I believe this is rightfully yours. I accidentally nabbed it from you, but I wanted to return it. After all, it only means something to you, since you’re of course the only one who placed seventh.”

Vala indignantly grabbed the ribbon and stormed her way back to her room, and the Fulgurmancer winked at Exliana. “I figured she was gonna be a pain. You can tell what kind of person someone is just by beating them. Oh! Where are my manners. I’m Januse.” He stuck his hand out, expecting Exliana to shake it.

“I’m Exliana,” she said, taken aback by the way Vala had left. She shook his hand, still wondering why he had been able to make her leave so easily.

“And you are?” Januse asked Kandi around the corner. She appeared surprised that he was aware of her presence, but Exliana figured it was a given, since two people were in every room.

“My name is Kandi.”

“Well then, Exliana, Kandi, I’m heading to the training grounds. I’ll see you later.” He began to walk towards the gateway, and Exliana began to follow him. She was stopped, however, by Kandi grabbing her arm.

“Exliana.” Kandi was looking at the ground. “You know Navarre, right?”

“Yeah, why? He’s single, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Exliana said playfully, trying to get some conversation out of Kandi. Januse, she noticed, had stopped as well, and was listening to the conversation unbeknownst to Kandi.

Kandi’s face flushed red for a moment, before returning to her regular pale color. “No, no. That’s not it. The joint-lock thing he did this morning. Who taught him it?”

“Navarre had a second mentor for part of our training, and he told me that he was forbidden from saying who it was. I assume they taught him it.”

Januse re-approached the pair, the expression on his face serious for the first time he was with Exliana. “Kandi, you know about them too?”

“My mother used to tell stories about them,” Kandi said, merely adding to Exliana’s confusion.

“Who? What are you talking about?”

“Exliana, that joint-locking technique. I don’t know much about it, but only members of a certain clan can use it. That certain clan is dangerous. Very dangerous. If Navarre is one of them, then we are in a very bad situation.”

“Guys, relax,” Exliana started. “I grew up with Navarre, and I’m fine. I’m sure this clan isn’t the only one who can use that technique, because trust me when I say that Navarre is not dangerous. Well, unless you’re sparring with him.”

“You’re probably right.” Januse relaxed, returning to the carefree person Exliana had thought he always was. “No need to worry, his technique probably isn’t identical.” He began again to head to the training field through the garden, Exliana followed. Kandi said nothing, but was right behind them both.

“Those three. They’re the ones.” A raspy voice came crawling into her ears. Exliana looked around. No one had said anything. Januse and Kandi were walking forward, unaware of the voice.

Great, Exliana thought. I must be going crazy.

“The order is official. You have the go-ahead.”

Exliana shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the sounds. Kandi and Januse talking conspiracies must have gotten to her head. Looking forward to them, the rest was a blur. Something reached out of the air. There was only a moment between them being pulled away and Exliana being dragged into the air herself. It was unmistakable. Before losing consciousness, Exliana knew she was in the talons of a wyvern.


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Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:33 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Sheyren! Back again. Just a heads up, but any minor grammatical corrections will be shown in blue from now on. It's just for the stuff that's too small to warrant commenting on.

Small Comments

She smiled at the apprentices through her pale blonde hair, approaching them as they stared in shock at the strongest individual in Vyheria.


Honestly, I think you're better off swapping the bold for just 'her'. Something about the sentence makes it feel like 'the strongest individual in Vyheria' doesn't refer to the Queen. There's a specific reason for that - it's to do with something called binding and noun phrases not being able to have antecedents and it's all very nerdy and very boring. I'll try and explain myself with a sentence like this:

She waited while they approached the woman with blonde hair.

Here, I find it incredibly difficult to imagine that 'she' and 'the woman with blonde hair' are the same person - my instinct is to imagine that another woman is watching people approach a blonde lady. The same sort of predicament is at work in your sentence. I can't see 'she' and 'the strongest individual in Vyheria' as referring to the same thing. I only mention this because it's not the first time I've seen you use sentences like this, and they really itch at me.

Side note: no need for 'in shock'. We already know they're all shocked.

“I’m sure you all know who I am.”

Naturally, they had.


You mean 'did'?

“-best kept secret on this side of Vyheria!” Emniu blurted out in excitement.


Avoid these kind of additions. They only state the obvious.

One was a girl with red hair and red eyes, and if that didn’t confirm her alignment, the red peaked hat on her head and the red cape on her back made it clear she was an Ignismancer. The other boy had neat brown hair and dark eyes, and the long brown glove on his left arm suggested he was a Terrmancer.


Okay, you totally need to have an Aquamancer or something who constantly dresses in red and people are like?? Why don't you style yourself to reflect your element?? And they're just like 'because I look banging in red. Next question'.

(Seriously though, if I was a Terramancer and they tried to stick me in brown clothes all the time, I wouldn't stand for it.)

“Hello, newbies!” she exclaimed in excitement, her voice cheerful and upbeat. “As you were already told, my name’s Alyis, and this here’s Cre’Lo.


Yes, we were already told, and not all that long ago. No need to say it again. :P

Us Second Years take the left side, so you get to share one of the eight rooms on the right.”


It feels odd to capitalise this. I've never seen 'second years' be capitalised in any other context in my life, like in regards to university students or anything.

“I’m Kandi. You… you’re the Ignisamplus, aren’t you?”


Is that different to an Ignismancer?

“Exliaaaaaaana!” the green haired girl looked at Exliana through adoring eyes—eyes Exliana knew were fake.


I know you probably mean fake as in insincere, but all I could think of here was glass eyes. Like literally fake eyes.

“You were the one that got my ribbon in the entrance competition, huh? Well, good for you,” Exliana snarled.


It's unnecessary and a bit unnatural to specify that it was in the entrance competition. The speakers all know what Exliana is referring to, and so does the reader.

“I can tell you’re humiliated, seeing the thing which symbolizes your total and utter defeat. Fifteenth? That’s gotta bug the hell outta ya-” she stopped, a hand tapping on her shoulder.


Yeah, this pushes Vala too far into OTT bully territory. I don't mind her being a bit exaggerated - it's pretty funny - but this dialogue really has no subtlety in it at all.

“Finally, I found you. Vala, I think it was?” He held out the ribbon. “I believe this is rightfully yours. I accidentally nabbed it from you, but I wanted to return it. After all, it only means something to you, since you’re of course the only one who placed seventh.”


Drag her, Januse. I knew this guy was a good egg.

“I figured she was gonna be a pain. You can tell what kind of person someone is just by beating them. Oh! Where are my manners. I’m Januse.” He stuck his hand out, expecting Exliana to shake it.


Nice to meet you, new favourite character.

“Yeah, why? He’s single, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Exliana said playfully, trying to get some conversation out of Kandi.


I like the dialogue, but it doesn't quite feel right coming from Exliana. She hasn't seemed like a particularly playful person so far. I always got the impression that she took things too seriously for her own good.

“Exliana, that joint-locking technique. I don’t know much about it, but only members of a certain clan can use it. That certain clan is dangerous. Very dangerous. If Navarre is one of them, then we are in a very bad situation.”

“Guys, relax,” Exliana started. “I grew up with Navarre, and I’m fine. I’m sure this clan isn’t the only one who can use that technique, because trust me when I say that Navarre is not dangerous. Well, unless you’re sparring with him.”


I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that Naverre does hail from this dangerous clan, even if he's a good guy himself. Which begs the question of why he's performing this specific locking technique in front of fourteen sets of prying eyes. I suppose he could not be aware of where the technique originated from, but the fact that he had to keep his mentor's identity secret makes me think that that isn't the case. Seems a bit reckless to me, especially for someone who seems so careful.

“You’re probably right.” Januse relaxed, returning to the carefree person Exliana had thought he always was.


She's only just met him, though? It seems a bit early for her to be making assumptions about how he typically acts.

Overall Thoughts

Okay, so I'm definitely in two minds about this chapter. There are things I really enjoyed and that you did well, but there's also stuff that blindsided me and left me thinking 'what?' Let's talk about the less good stuff first, with a view to getting it over with.

First, the end. Judging by Bisc's review, you've already altered this once, but it's still way, way too sudden for me. It felt like someone had smacked the fast-forward button - suddenly Exliana's hearing voices, thinking she's crazy, and then there's a wyvern? Like what? I didn't even realise she'd gone outside yet; I thought they were still in some kind of corridor near the dorms. Just try and build up to it a little bit more. I think it'd be better if there was a reprieve between Exliana hearing the voices and then her being snatched, so that we at least have time to absorb the strangeness of one thing before being catapulted towards the next.

In terms of character in this chapter, Exliana feels a tad inconsistent still. I feel like you've got some traits pinned down - her hot-headedness and her inferiority complex - but you haven't quite grasped how they manifest. She's actually pretty cool in that altercation with Vala, even though I wouldn't expect that from her. Exliana's the kind of person who I can imagine responding so furiously she never comes up with good comebacks - she doesn't seem clear-headed enough for wit. I could be wrong about her, but it's the vibe I'm getting, but none of her traits seem to quite have come together into a coherent personality yet. You're getting there, though.

Vala is somewhere between funny and cringey, so I think you need to balance that better. She's a bit too much of a transparent catty bully at the minute, rather like the female counterpart to Reyvo. The difficult with parodied characters is knowing where to draw the line and keep them fro becoming ridiculous. That's something Roald Dahl is uncannily good at, actually.

Another issue is setting. There's not nearly enough description in this chapter - for all I knew, the characters might have been wandering round in mist. Considering we're exploring such an important location, you can't really get away without describing it. It also helps with coherence, as well, and positioning the characters in the scene. See how I said that I didn't even know the characters had gone outside yet when the wyvern got Exliana? Description helps eliminate confusion like that, making the events of the story much more palatable. I know it's a bore sometimes, but it's gotta be done.

Last point, and this is kind of a hybrid between positive and negative. I was really interested to find out about Naverre's potential ties to this dangerous tribe, but (as Zoom said) I wish you'd let it develop longer rather than having Kandi spill her suspicions so soon. I don't think it's unrealistic that she'd keep it to herself, given that Exliana is close to Nav. She might not want Nav to know that she recognises the technique, especially if she suspects him of being dangerous, and she doesn't know Exliana well enough to count on her discretion. So it seems like it'd be more realistic and more suspenseful to draw that out for longer.

Now, let's addressed what I loved.

a) Januse.
b) The chance to see Exliana interacting with more people other than Nav.
c) Januse.
d) The subtle way you handled the Queen's sudden departure.
e) Januse.

In seriousness, there was a lot in this chapter that really engaged me. Both Kandi and Januse seem like defined characters who could grow to become really interesting, and the pair of them contrast nicely with Exliana and her temper. The Queen's role was pretty nicely executed, as well, and even though she comes across well, I'm automatically suspicious of her. Perhaps it's just because she's an authority figure and they're never to be trusted in stories. Or perhaps it's because Alyis said 'that won't make the queen mad' - the fact that she has to contemplate the possibility makes me a tad uneasy. Maybe the Queen isn't always as nice as she seems.

Either way, her departure was well handled. It was clearly unplanned, but you didn't make the strangeness of it too obvious. That's the way to go. Try to extend the same subtlety to the finale of this chapter, then you'll be in better stead. And please, spare some setting description for my parched self. I want to know what this complex looks like.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




sheysse says...


Thanks for the review! I'll be keeping your comments in mind for future drafts and chapters. :)



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Tue Aug 28, 2018 7:52 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



“You’ll be seeing a lot of me over the next two years. I visit this facility rather frequently, to check on the magicians of tomorrow. Speaking of this facility, you’re probably wondering what exactly it is. It is, my children, the-”


Not a bad title for the book, actually. ^_^

“Hello, newbies!” She exclaimed in excitement, her voice cheerful and upbeat. “As you were already told, my name’s Alyis, and this here’s Cre’Lo. As the first rank apprentice in the class a year ahead of you, I’m in charge when the professionals aren’t present, and he’s my deputy. If you got a problem, come to one of us, and we’ll deal with it.”


This is a bit of an “as you know, Bob” trope. I suggest to look this up and be aware, because you do this quite a lot in your dialog. It’s basically just a way to force exposition when it really isn’t necessary.

Exliana watched as Alyis went through boys, pairing them up and sending them to one of the dormitories. Navarre, she noted, had been paired up with Reyvo.


And they didn’t protest this?! Considering Alyis is pairing them up at random, which seems to be an unconventional way of deciding - seems all the more strange that both boys accept this without complaint!

Exliana turned and opened the door to her dorm, inspecting it. On one side was a bunk bed, something she was all too familiar with. On the other side was a sofa, a small table, and a desk that would have to be shared. It didn’t seem like her roommate would be very demanding, however.


I’m confused, is each dorm a solitary building? The descriptions you’ve given of the complex have been quite generic however I can obviously tell that we’re going to be spending a lot of time here, so would like to be able to picture this more clearly!

“Yeah, I am. Didn’t know that was a common fact in the class. Why?”


There weren’t that many people fighting in the contest, it’s not that surprising that someone else saw her using her abilities.

That fist at Exliana’s side might have started swinging on its own, had it not been gently held back by Kandi, who was standing just outside the doorway’s visibility.


You just characterised Kandi as an extreme introvert. She couldn’t bring herself to open the door, so I doubt she’d now be preventing a fight.

“Finally, I found you, Vala, I think it was?” He held out the ribbon. “I believe this is rightfully yours. I accidentally nabbed it from you, but I wanted to return it. After all, it only means something to you, since you’re of course the only one who placed seventh.”

Vala indignantly grabbed the ribbon and stormed her way back to her room, and the Fulgurmancer winked at Exliana. “I figured she was gonna be a pain. You can tell what kind of person someone is just by beating them. Oh! Where are my manners. I’m Januse.” He stuck his hand out, expecting Exliana to shake it.


OMFG this entire exchange. And the quote I highlighted is literally the best line in the story so far, because it also perfectly illustrates the moment we the readers started to care about him, because of how he handled his own defeat. Omfg.

“Exliana, that joint-locking technique. I don’t know much about it, but only members of a certain clan can use it. That certain clan is dangerous. Very dangerous. If Navarre is one of them, then we are in a very bad situation.”


I really like this new subplot but I think you could have let this cook up a little slower. Think of all the tension you could have built using these two characters knowing something that Exliana doesn’t, and how that would have impacted their future interactions with Nav.

***

Overall comments:

Not bad. I liked that you got them settled in to their dorms etc quite quickly and that some form of plot began to emerge again. These type of scenes can often see the plot abandoned while the reader is subjected to a barrage of exposition, but in this case you got back to the story pretty quickly. I would argue that it was even a bit too quick. You definitely have some pace issues towards the end, when Exliana starts hearing that voice and the attack begins. It happened so fast that there wasn’t any time to feel any tension or excitement. I was still getting over the whole thing about Nav, so to have my attention immediately snatched away was kinda jarring.

Also I like Vala, she already seems like one of those “you love to hate” characters ^_^

-Zoom




sheysse says...


Thanks for the comments! I'll keep em in mind. Also, thanks for helping me decide on the book title. ;)



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Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:25 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shey, taken me a bit longer than usual this week but I'm here now.

Nit-picks:

That fist at Exliana’s side might have started swinging on its own, had it not been gently held back by Kandi

This seems a bit forward for someone who's so nervous.

[/quote]then we are in a very situation[/quote]
Think you missed a pretty crucial word here.

Overall:

The first thing I want to talk about is Exliana's attitude. I really was expecting her to be nervous - because she was worried people would think she hadn't really earned her place - or sad - because she knew herself she was only there because of Navarre, or she thinks she let herself down in the tournament. But wuth the way she's chuckling at Navarre having to stay with Reyvo, and being irritated by the shy person in a fairly humorous way makes me think she's quite confident and comfortable here, which I just don't understand.

All your plot stuff is done really well here. I like the way the queen disappears to go do something, because clearly it's something important but it's not like hand-wave-y because we definitely wouldn't know what the problem was. I like the way Navarre's technique is brought up and the way it makes Januse more serious. I think the "he's single" comment was funny, but again I'm confused as to why Exliana is confident enough to make it. Lastly the thing with the talons. Actually this could get its own paragraph.

I think the sentence could maybe be arranged better to get a better shock factor out of this. You know the idea, short sentences, maybe single sentence paragraphs. "the talons" also isn't overly helpful because it makes it feel like it's not a new introduction. I'm guessing the idea is to make it sound like they were already defeated, and install dread, also to signal that this is something very important in terms of the plot, but I think the way that it's just in the middle of a paragraph combines with that technique to just make it sound everyday, which presumably isn't the effect you were going for.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




sheysse says...


Thanks for the review! The thing with Exliana is that I'm trying not to compromise her character (sort of the stereotypical hot-headed fire user), but your comments on her arrogance seeming out of place are valid. I'm not doing particularly well with the balance yet. :/

Also, I really dislike the last paragraph as well. So I'm kind of experimenting with your suggestion. How does this sound?

Exliana shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the sounds. Kandi and Januse talking conspiracies must have gotten to her head. Looking forward to them, the rest was a blur. Something reached out of the air. There was only a moment between them being pulled away and Exliana being dragged into the air herself. It was unmistakable. Before losing consciousness, Exliana knew she was in the talons of a wyvern.



ExOmelas says...


that works, yeah



sheysse says...


Alrighty, thanks again!



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Mon Aug 20, 2018 8:44 pm
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RandomxStoryteller wrote a review...



Dear Sheyren,

WOW! Soo good! This has got to be one of the best stories I've ever seen. You put so much detail into this without cluttering the work which is really cool! I really love all the names that you assigned for the characters; like Exliana and Kandi. It's really unique and adds a wonderful touch to the story. I only have one suggestion:

(I don't know how to quote you so here it is)

"“Hello, newbies!” She exclaimed in excitement, her voice cheerful and upbeat. “As you were already told, my name’s Alyis, and this here’s Cre’Lo. As the first rank apprentice in the class a year ahead of you, I’m in charge when the professionals aren’t present, and he’s my deputy. If you got a problem, come to one of us, and we’ll deal with it.”

“We’re going to show you around the Frouri Dynamico, so, uh, follow us,” Cre’Lo said. His tone wasn’t disinterested per se, but rather he seemed almost tired when he talked."

It confused me a bit when you started world building really quickly and it might be better if you give a bit of backstory or explain what these new things are. This is an amazing story so keep writing!

-RandomxStoryteller




sheysse says...


Thanks for the review! I'll definitely keep your comments on mind. As for the worldbuilding comment... This is the sixth chapter of my novel, so it may be better understood when read as a whole story. I dunno. But of course, thanks again!




Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman